2. River

2

RIVER

S ix months later

I run my hand through my hair for the hundredth time, my feet wearing a path in my backyard as I circle. Fuck .

My chest aches, and I jam a knuckle against it, stopping beside a white Rhododendron bush. It smells sickly sweet and spicy without Bella's scent attached to it. Her vibrant green eyes flash in my head, her freckled nose scrunching as she smiles. God, I love her smile.

Another wrench twists in my chest. I love her. And the realization couldn't come at a worse time. My team is about to deploy overseas on a mission that I can't exactly tell her about. I can't even tell her dad about it, but I can hint enough for him to understand.

I start pacing again. My hand is in my hair, and I squeeze the strands. The small pain relieves so many others right now. How did I get myself into this position? I'm in love with my best friend's daughter like some pervert. It doesn't matter that she's in her twenties, that we're not that different in age. There isn’t a decade between us or anything.

But I can't change what's happening, how she's wrapped herself around my heart to fill in all the cracks, made me feel less broken.

How do I tell her that I have to leave her? That I might not come back? That she wouldn't hear from me for so, so long. Can I ask that of her? Is it fair? I should let her go, but I don't think I can. I don't think I'm that selfless.

I drop down onto my back porch, head sinking into my hands before I survey my small backyard. The grass is a saturated green that rivals Bella's eyes. It'll only last for a few weeks before summer begins to take its toll. The flowering bushes were put in by the previous tenant, a sweet middle-aged widow who went to live with her daughter.

Shaking my head, I stand again. Pacing these circles isn't serving me well. I take a deep breath and march to my Subaru Outback. It's time to rip the Band-Aid off and face what's happening. I need to talk to Bella.

I drive out to her family's cabin. It's small and remote and gives us the extended privacy we often need when we're together.

Her car is already parked out front, and the door is open before I'm fully out of my car. Bella hops off the porch, her shoulder-length red hair bright under the sunshine. She's the epitome of an old Celtic faerie, and I can almost see her wings.

I meet her halfway, scooping her up in my arms, pressing her against me, and stealing her mouth with the kiss I crave. She holds onto me, wrapping her legs around my waist. Hands twisted in my collar, she kisses me back.

I'm lost to it. To her.

When her mouth drops to my neck, I regain the barest sliver of good sense and carry her inside. I navigate to our bed, throwing back the sheets and crawling in to press her under me. Our mouths collide again as her hands yank my shirt up my back.

"Take your shirt off," she mumbles against my mouth, and I reach back to yank it off for her. Bella's hands glide over my skin, circling the bullet wound scar on my right flank. She's always sure to show it love, a caress or a kiss, to remind me that I don't have to hide anything from her.

And I won't. Not anymore.

My intent changes, slows, and I worship every inch of her skin as I bare it. She squirms, but she takes it. The moment I have her nude, she lunges for me like a predator, tearing my pants off my hips until I'm bare. Our bodies slide together perfectly.

Now that I'm inside her, her she slows down, and she blinks up at me, all innocence and seduction. It's as if she can read my mind and pull my secrets from the very depths of me. I don't merely want to say the words—that I love her. I want to show her. So that's what I do.

Pleasure builds slowly as we stare into each other's eyes, exchange soft kisses, and caress each other. But when her nails find my back, I know I can't string this along much more.

My forehead dropping to hers, I shift the angle of my hips to hit her G-spot, tapping it until tears fall from the corners of her eyes. Her breath hitches, and all of her muscles clench. God, being inside her is the best feeling in the world. When she comes, she drags me over the edge with her.

The world disappears in that moment, and the universe exists only in the gold flecks in her eyes. I brace my body over hers and drink her in for as long as I can before I roll us both to the side. Tucking her against my chest, I still can't force my heart to cooperate. It won't settle. Not with the thoughts swirling in my head.

"Love," I whisper, my voice softer than I've heard it in a long, long time. I clear my throat. "Bella?"

Her head tips back, and she peers up at me, love clear and sparkling in her eyes. God, I'm a sucker for her. The profession of love is on my tongue, but I bite it back. A headache stirs between my brows as I pivot in my thoughts.

Bella sits up, her hand on my chest, worry creasing her forehead. "What is it?"

I tug her back down to me and say, "I'm being deployed."

"When?" She tucks herself in closer, and I close my eyes to soak it in.

"In a few days."

Her soft breaths fill the thick silence in the room. Her fingers draw circles in my chest hair. "For how long?"

"I don't know. Until we're done." Normal deployments range from six months to a year. Mine, however, lasts until the mission is done. That's part of being in a special unit. We don't just respond to attacks. We decimate the chain of command. It's dangerous but effective, and my team and I are good at it.

My fingers tangle themselves in her red hair, and I drop kisses on the top of her head. I brace myself, then say what I need to say. "You shouldn't wait for me."

Bella pops out of my arms in an instant. "What do you mean? Of course, I'll wait for you. It's not a big deal. It's your job." I can see when the realization hits her. "You're serious."

"You deserve something better than waiting around on some guy…"

"You're not just some guy," she interjects, hands balled into fists like she's ready to knock some sense into me.

I continue, "You deserve something with someone who can stay and help you make a family, build a home, a future. You deserve someone better than me."

She's off the bed before the words are free of my mouth, yanking on her shirt. Everything inside me screams to sit up, to launch myself out of this bed and close her in my arms. Not to let her go.

But this is better for her than anything I can give her. It wouldn't be fair of me to ask her to wait. She can't understand that yet.

Every decent piece of me breaks as she pulls on her shorts and stomps into her sneakers, and I finally sit up to get a better view of her. If this is the last time I see her, I want every detail of it committed to memory. But when she reaches the door, all of the walls I'd begun erecting to prepare myself for this crumble, and I follow.

"Bella," I call after her.

Dressed only in the sheets, I stop in the doorway. She's halfway to her car, anger and hurt evident in her every step, her red hair swinging, shoulders bunched, hands clenched into fists. I call her name again when she reaches the door, but she doesn't give me the time of day.

"I love you," I say, the confession falling from me before I can stop myself. Bella goes rigid, turning to look at me with her nostrils flaring and those green eyes ready to slice me in two. "I'm doing this because I love you."

Silence hangs between us for two long seconds. "If you really loved me, you'd come back. You'd choose me. Over and over again, you'd choose me. But you're not. You're being a coward. And I never pegged you as one. Guess I was wrong about you."

Time speeds back up, her car door slams, her engine roars, and she throws gravel, mud, and grass as she reverses quickly. My heart is torn out, dragged along every inch of rough road as she speeds away like she can't get away from me fast enough.

This has to be the right decision.

I take my time cleaning up the cabin, putting everything back in place. My movements are slow and methodical. The world hums with the absence of Bella. With what I just did. My second thoughts swim around me, but I can't take it back. It was the right thing to do. For her.

Always for her.

Over the next few days, I wait to hear from her, but there's no word. Not even when I text to ask her if she's okay, when I call after complete radio silence. I didn't expect her to cut me out completely. I can't take it anymore.

I have to see her one more time before I leave.

The drive to her house triple knots my stomach. This wait is worse than dropping from a helicopter into enemy territory. I park at the end of her long driveway and walk the rest of the way to her door, enjoying the towering trees, the scents of home, before I'll be without it all for who knows how long.

After I knock on the front door, I stuff my hands in my pockets to keep from lunging forward to touch her the moment she opens the door. But when it swings open, it's her father standing there instead.

I put on a fake smile.

"Oh, hey, River. What are you doing here? Aren't you shipping off today? Come on in." He waves me inside, and I barely make it across the threshold before I stop. "You want a drink?"

I shake my head. "No. But thanks."

He stops halfway to the kitchen and turns to really look at me. His graying hair gives him an air of authority—not that the colonel needs more authority. The big man takes up more space as his hands land on his hips. "What brings you here, River?"

Inhaling deeply, I brace myself. "Is Bella home?"

It's awkward to ask. Not that he doesn't know about Bella's and my relationship, but he's my friend, my superior, and the two sides of myself war with each other for dominance.

"I'm afraid she's not. I thought she would have told you." He strides closer again, putting his big paw on my shoulder and getting a good look at me this time. "She left town two days ago. Came home in a rush, packed a few bags, and high-tailed it out of here before I could ask her too many questions. I thought the two of you might be holing up at the cabin until you left."

Every word drives a stake further into my heart. "You don't know where she went?"

He shakes his head. "No, but I know she's safe. Texts me three times a day."

So her phone isn't dead. She's not without service. She's not hurt. She's just ignoring me .

My eyes close against the blow of that realization. The world shifts, breaks, morphs into something I can barely recognize. A world without Bella.

I told her not to wait. I told her to find a life without me. And she listened.

What a fucking idiot I am.

The colonel's hand tightens on my shoulder, and then I'm moving. He's steering me toward the couch in the living room. When I'm sitting on the plush leather cushion, he disappears and reappears with an old-fashioned glass in his hand and two fingers of Johnny Walker in the bottom.

"Drink up," he says, and I follow his order, draining the two ounces of liquor in one gulp. The burn flares and dies in my cold chest.

Bella is gone. She might not come back. I've lost her completely.

I wipe a hand down my face and let my head flop back against the cushion as the buzz hits me. I've lost the one thing—the one person—who means everything to me.

Her dad sits with me, sipping his own drink in silent comradery.

After a while, I jerk out of my stupor and stand. He stands with me and walks me to the door, shaking my hand.

"Stay safe out there. You hear me?"

I nod and trudge down the drive to my car. It takes no time to return home, grab my gear, and head to the base. I don't have a choice but to leave town, but it doesn't mean I have to go without one final Hail Mary.

I open the small string of texts I've sent Bella and type out a final one, even if it means nothing to her.

I'll wait for you.

Even if she never forgives me.