Chapter 16

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

That Saturday, Caroline decided to take a rare day off to go out Christmas shopping with Audrey. She and Audrey piled into Audrey’s black Outback and drove to Burlington, Audrey armed with an exceptionally specific list for her two children. Caroline was glad not to drive—she didn’t do it all that often, and it was a blustery, stormy day, with snow forecasted to blow in over the weekend. She half wondered if Rhett might use the bad weather as an excuse to cancel. Surely by now, he’d started to rethink asking her out on a date. She still wasn’t sure why he had at all. She found it hard to believe that he had a genuine interest in her, beyond just friendly conversation.

But a tiny part of her had begun to hope that maybe there was something to this after all. That maybe his interest was genuine, and she was going to get a little of the romance that she’d told herself for so long was past happening for her.

Even if it didn’t go anywhere, and was just the one date, it would still be something new. Something exciting. She didn’t have to have high hopes for it, she told herself, she could just enjoy it for what it was.

She had her own shopping list, and so far, she’d been relatively successful in finding what she wanted. She’d spent a lot of time lately in the kitchen at the inn, and had noticed Rhonda’s favorite baking dishes were starting to get a little worn. She’d found a beautiful set—a ceramic loaf pan, Dutch oven and baking dish with a pretty blue and mint floral pattern—and gotten those for her. Her father, Donovan, needed new fishing waders. Nora was the hardest to buy for. “She doesn’t really like anything practical,” Caroline murmured as she and Audrey walked down an aisle, looking for some of the items on Kara’s and Bennett’s lists.

“Gifts don’t always have to be practical,” Audrey pointed out. “I know you like for them to be, but honestly, I think most people don’t like getting presents that are something they need . They prefer things they want, or can’t justify buying for themselves.” She frowned, looking over a row of books. “If you think your sister is difficult, just try getting teenagers what they want for Christmas.”

“What about this?” Caroline picked up a book with a pirate ship on the front. “Boys like pirates, right?”

Audrey snorted. “Bennett hasn’t picked up a book that wasn’t required reading for school since he got his learner’s permit. Even before that, he wasn’t all too keen on reading. He’s better at science and math.”

“An ant farm?” Caroline shrugged. “I remember having one of those when I was a kid and getting a kick out of it. Or a lava lamp?”

Audrey laughed at that. “He’s sixteen, Caro. I don’t think either of those suggestions are going to cut it.”

Caroline leafed through a new thriller that she’d heard good things about. She’d almost finished her current book, and the idea of curling up in bed in front of her fireplace with her candy-cane tea and a fast-paced book sounded enticing. The novelty of the new fireplace hadn’t worn off yet, and she was looking forward to a relaxing evening, once they got back from Burlington. She put it in her basket, and saw Audrey’s grin. “What?”

“Nothing. Just, it’s nice to see you doing things for yourself. Buying a new book.”

“Oh, come on.” Caroline shook her head. “I’ve always treated myself sometimes. You act like I’ve been in a nunnery with nothing but a catechism and gruel for twenty years.”

Audrey rolled her eyes. “I’m just saying, it’s nice to see you not dithering over whether or not to buy yourself a book for twenty minutes. You’ve loosened up a little, and I’m glad.”

Caroline started to say something, but just as she opened her mouth, her phone buzzed in her pocket. She reached for it, worried that it might be Rhonda texting her something about the inn. Another smoke detector going off, or some other mishap. She knew she was supposed to be ‘off’ for the day, but she couldn’t ever seem to entirely detach herself from what might be going on there.

Instead, her heart leapt a little in her chest when she saw Rhett’s name on the screen.

RHETT: How do you feel about a wintery excursion for our date? With dinner included?

She bit her lip, intrigued. Normally she’d be inclined to interrogate him a little, and find out exactly what he was up to. But something about their conversations made her feel lighter, more youthful. Like she could let loose a little, and not need to have so much control over the situation.

He made her feel as if the hope of fun and romance could still be possible.

CAROLINE: That sounds great.

RHETT: Tomorrow night? I can pick you up about five-thirty, if that works for you.

CAROLINE: I’ll be ready to go

“Who are you texting?” Audrey had put a young adult romance novel in her basket, and turned back to Caroline. “Please tell me you’re not dealing with work stuff on our shopping day.” She craned her neck, catching sight of the screen before Caroline could put her phone back into her pocket. “Ooh, why are you texting Rhett?”

Caroline was tempted to try to divert the conversation in a different direction. But she hesitated. What was the harm in telling Audrey, really? It was better than trying to make up an excuse, which Audrey would probably see through anyway.

“I’m going on a date with Rhett,” she admitted.

Audrey let out a high-pitched squeal that made Caroline’s face instantly heat. “You’re going on a date with the handsome firefighter? I’m so excited for you.”

“It’s really not that big of a deal,” Caroline insisted. “It’s just dinner. He asked me out for coffee, but I turned him down, so I think now that I finally agreed he’s trying to get the best date he can out of it.”

“You turned him down? ” Audrey exclaimed, her indignation so obvious that Caroline saw a few people at the end of the aisle turn and look curiously at them. She was sure she was tomato-red by this point.

“Shh,” she hissed. “Yes. I didn’t think he was serious. But I guess he was. Serious enough to bring it up again anyway. So I said yes the second time. And now we’re getting dinner tomorrow night.”

“We have to find you something cute to wear. We’ll go to Nordstrom after this,” Audrey said firmly. “Let’s go check out, and get some lunch, and then we’ll pick out the perfect outfit for your date .”

“That’s really not necessary,” Caroline protested. “Really. I can wear something I already have.”

“Mom jeans and a fisherman sweater? Or a flannel?” Audrey shook her head. “Absolutely not. Come on, let’s go.”

Caroline knew from Audrey’s stubborn tone that she wasn’t going to be easily talked out of it. And a small part of her—a very small part, she told herself equally stubbornly—thought it would be nice to go and pick out something special for herself. It had been a long time since she’d been out on a date. Years. Even if it just turned out to be the one night, she thought she should make an occasion out of it for herself.

“All right,” she conceded. “We’ll go shopping for something for me to wear.”

Audrey’s glee was palpable. “When was the last time you did that?” she asked, and Caroline narrowed her eyes at her friend as they walked to the checkout line.

“You know the answer to that. I usually just shop online. I know my sizes in what I like to wear, and it’s easy.”

“Shopping on the L.L. Bean website isn’t shopping,” Audrey declared. “But honestly, I don’t get to do it for myself as often anymore either. It’s usually for the kids, these days. I swear they grow out of clothes so fast, even as teenagers.”

It made sense to Caroline, then. Audrey was excited to help her pick out something for her date, but she was also excited just to get to do some shopping for adult things with her best friend, rather than just the items she usually needed to pick out for her kids.

“Let’s go to that Irish place we passed for lunch,” Caroline suggested. “And then we’ll do Nordstrom’s.”

Lunch was relaxing, exactly what she needed, she had to admit. Business at the inn had been nonstop, and she hadn’t had much time to herself, even in the evenings. Most nights lately, she’d just fallen straight into bed and barely been able to keep her eyes open to read more than a couple of pages, let alone enjoy her fireplace and tea. But as they settled into a corner table at the small brick pub, a fireplace crackling a few feet away and drinks in front of them—dark beer for Caroline and a glass of wine for Audrey—she felt some of the stress begin to slip away. She reached for a piece of sourdough bread with Irish butter, looking at the menu full of hearty comfort food as flakes of snow started to spill down from the gray sky outside, and she let out a long breath, her shoulders sinking downwards.

She felt much better. The feeling in her stomach every time she thought about the date tomorrow night felt like anticipation, rather than anxiety. She was looking forward to whatever it was that Rhett had planned.

Over shepherd’s pie for them both, they chatted about Nora’s upcoming party and Kara’s winter dance recital and what Caroline had planned for the spring garden at the inn, and she found herself smiling. She was even looking forward to going shopping, after this. Maybe there was something to not working all of the time.

The rest of the afternoon was spent at Nordstrom’s, picking out the perfect thing for her to wear on her date with Rhett. And as she watched it be wrapped up in thin silvery tissue paper and slid into a matte black shopping bag, she felt another flutter of excitement.

Audrey drove them back to Evergreen Hollow just as the snow started to come down harder, dropping Caroline off at the inn. She waved goodbye as she drove away, and Caroline waved back, hesitating at the gate to the inn.

She knew she should probably head up and see if Rhonda needed any help with dinner, but a part of her wasn’t ready to go back inside yet. The snowfall wasn’t too bad so far, just big, thick, fluffy flakes that made her want to go for a walk. She enjoyed the crisp cold, even when it was on this side of frigid, and she wanted to enjoy it for a little longer.

On a whim, she decided to walk to the tree. She doubted she would see an answer to her last entry, but she wanted to check and see. Maybe there would be something after all.

She walked all the way out there, hands shoved in her pockets, enjoying the feeling of the snowflakes on her face and hair, the cold wind whipping past her. She sank down onto the bench, pulling the journal out, and felt a flush of excitement as she saw that someone had, indeed, answered her last entry.

It felt a little unreal, to think that someone was actually taking the time to do this. The same person, she thought, based on the tone and content of the entries. She sat there as the snow fell and read what had been written last, feeling her heart swell as she read each word.

She didn’t know who the person was that was answering her, but her heart felt connected to them. She felt as if they understood her in a way that most people didn’t, and their vulnerability made her in turn want to do the same. She felt like she could be vulnerable, without being looked down on or worrying about how they might see her.

Reaching into her pocket, she took out her pen, and started to write a reply.

I want to be hopeful. I have a new reason to think that maybe I should be, but it’s so scary to hope when things haven’t worked out that way in the past. It feels like I’m setting myself up for disappointment, and I can’t help but wonder why I would do that when my life is fine the way it is right now. Not perfect, but fine. I’m happy. I have a job I enjoy, a family I love and a good, stable, fulfilling life.

Maybe it’s asking too much to want anything else. And most of the time I feel sure that’s true, and that I should just be satisfied with the way things are now. But then, this time of year rolls around, and ? —

I can’t help but think of what this time of year would be like for me with a family of my own. A husband, kids. Christmas has always meant so much to me. It’s a time for happiness, for everyone gathering together, for people taking time out of their normally busy lives to slow down and enjoy special moments with the people they love. And I love all of the holiday. Even though it’s the craziest time of year for me, I love the snow and the lights and the food and the carols, and I used to imagine myself sharing it with a husband who would taste-test my cooking and help me wrap presents for the kids. I used to picture them running around in the snow, making new traditions, and keeping up old ones.

I feel like it’s probably too late for all of that now. But I have the tiniest bit of hope, and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.

She closed the journal, tucked it back into the small space, and stood up. It was starting to get dark, and she knew she should head home. But as always, she felt a new lightness in her chest, a sense of being even more at ease by virtue of having unburdened herself to her secret pen pal.

In a few days, she’d come back and check for a response. And between that and her date the next night, she suddenly felt as if she had more to be excited about than she had in a very long time.