Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17

AINSLEY

Cole’s words both surprise and thrill me. It still blows my mind that someone like Cole Garrison is interested in me. I consider myself pretty ordinary, sometimes even boring. I don’t get out all that much, but so what if I’m not a raging party goer, or prefer books more than I prefer people. Living in the shadows feels pretty normal to me, and I’m only just now realizing it.

Maybe we’re both a little giddy from the eggnog, but I have been humming and pining for him these past few hours, and it’s felt like a lifetime.

“You know, that’s like music to my ears hearing you say you wanna be more,” he says. “I was hoping like heck you’d say that, but I thought I’d have a snowball in Hell’s chance.”

“Snowballs? Really?” I try not to laugh.

He shrugs and it’s adorable. “Seemed fitting.”

My smile softens. “Are you sure, though?”

“I’m very sure.”

“My friends are working it out, by the way. Parker claims I’ve tamed the wild beast.”

He sputters a laugh. “Tamed the wild beast? Is that what they think of me?”

“I know, right.” I shake my head and can’t help the little laugh in my throat.

“I don’t know how wild your friends really think I am. But I’m a pussycat once you get to know me.”

I can’t hold in my laughter. “You’re a cat guy, not an actual pussy cat.”

“Maybe I can be both.”

“I’m sure Fudge would beg to differ.” My phone buzzes from my bag as we sit facing each other. I reach to grab it as Cole rubs his hands together from the cold while the heater kicks in.

“I could be really crude about pussies if I wasn’t such a gentleman.”

“Cole!” I whack him on the arm, but it’s all in jest. It’s truly magical having this much fun with him, even when we’re not rolling around getting hot and heavy. I like this side of us, too. My smile drops though when I glance down to my phone and see my dad is trying to call me. I quickly reject the call and drop it back into my bag like it’s a poisonous snake that will bite me.

“You know, I should really do the honorable thing and take you out on a proper date, Miss Parsons?—”

Shit . I wish I hadn’t picked up my damned phone! I’m sure the expression on my face, even in the dim light of the cab, tells him something’s wrong. I can’t help it when tears spring to my eyes.

“Ains?” He reaches over, his muscular body shifting as he turns. He cups my chin with his hand, his thumb caressing my cheek. “What’s wrong, baby?”

“Nothing.” I shake my head. Hoping that will be enough; I don’t want to put a damper on our evening by dredging up my past .

“It wasn’t Drake, was it? Jesus, if it was?—”

“No.” I quickly touch his arm before he gets worked up about my ex. I can see how he might think it was Drake, he’s probably forgotten the fact I blocked the guy. “It’s just my dad,” I sigh, not meaning it to. It screams woah is me and I don’t want him to pity me.

I’ve also told him nothing about this so far. It’s too awkward and embarrassing. And we haven’t exactly had the chance to delve into my screwed up relationship with my sperm donor Dad.

“You mentioned you didn’t get along. Do you want to talk about it?”

I shrug. “He’s not exactly ‘Dad of the year’, and he barely ever calls me.”

That leads me to wonder what he wants. Maybe it’s some lame attempt at a Christmas family reunion, where I’m made to feel unwelcome or unwanted again. I already know I’ll be spending it here with Mom. She loves me and doesn’t spend her life resenting me and treating me like a nuisance. Hopefully Cole will want to hang out over Christmas. It may have always been a hard time for me, but I don’t intend on bringing anyone else down with my misery.

“I’m sorry. I hate to see that look on your face.”

I take another breath, knowing I may have implied I didn’t want to talk about it, but also realizing that if Cole and I want to start something between us, then we have to be open and honest with one another. It’s hard for me to let people in, not just from my upbringing, but Drake didn’t exactly leave me with a sense of faith in men when he cheated.

I know Cole is different. I feel like I’m safe letting h im in and confiding the things I keep buried. Him knowing these things about me doesn’t send me into a tailspin like it normally would. I never told Drake a damn thing, not that he cared enough to listen.

“You can tell me,” he says softly. “Nothing you ever say could be bad, Ains.”

“Well, you might not mean that if you knew my dad.”

“I do mean it,” he keeps on. “No matter what.”

A ragged breath escapes me. Maybe if I say it fast, it’ll be like it never happened.

“My dad and I don’t exactly see eye to eye,” I start. “In fact, we never have. He’s been in and out of my life over the years. He has another family.”

“Oh. And he lives out of town?”

“Yeah, in Jackson.”

There’s a sharp edge of silence between us in the stark darkness of the cab. Just the moonlight casting a subtle glow across Cole’s face. He looks like an angel. A soft and sexy angel sent here just for me.

“I’m the product of an affair,” I blurt. “So, yeah.” I fold my hands into my lap, feeling tears prick at my eyes. This is all unraveling because my dad tried to call me. If only I hadn’t looked at my phone until I got home.

“An affair?” The shock in his voice is unmistakable.

My cheeks heat at my confession, and it’s not because I’m embarrassed for my mom, or even our situation. It just feels like a lifetime of being unwanted and unloved by him. Why did he tell so many lies? “Yeah. My mom didn’t know he was married. He already had a wife and kids, but clearly he wanted a mistress on the side, and I’m a product of that.”

“Fuck, Ains. I’m so sorry.”

“My mom was in love with him,” I say on a shaky breath , one that feels so different from my usual one. “Maybe he was different then, I don’t know. Things changed when she got pregnant with me and he confessed that he already had a family. Mom was so shocked and hurt, I’m not really sure if she ever got over it. He only acknowledged me when he could no longer deny it through a paternity test.”

“That’s terrible. What an asshole.”

“I know. My poor mom. She was so heartbroken, and the years that followed were really difficult. He could no longer deny it to his own family. I guess that’s why my dad always singled me out, my siblings hate us and at times I wonder if he does, too.”

“He couldn’t hate you, baby. It’s not possible, nobody could.”

I bite back tears, my words getting caught in my throat, and it comes out in a sob. I had no idea I was going to be confessing this tonight.

I feel his arm reach out and snake around my waist, pulling me toward him. “I’m so sorry, Ains. I really am.”

“You don’t need to be,” I say. “It’s stupid. I’m being stupid.” I still let him pull me into an embrace, and I can’t help but wrap my arms around his colossal body. He’s so firm, and warm, and all things magical. But he’s here. He’s real.

He pulls back for a moment and tilts my chin again in that way he does so often. “Don’t ever say that. Nothing you say is stupid. You have a right to be upset and feel the way you feel.”

“You’re being very sweet,” I say, feeling foolish that tears have escaped me; they run silently down my cheeks. He pulls me back in and I rest my chin on his shoulder. It feels so comfortable and so natural being enveloped in his arms. “You don’t need to be this nice.”

“I want to know all the things about you, the good and the bad. Not that anything could be bad, but this thing that happened to you and your mom is not your fault.”

I sniff as I swiftly wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. “Thank you, Cole. You’re an incredibly decent man.”

“I mean it. For him to do that and then make you feel like an inconvenience? It’s inexcusable.”

“Try telling him that. He just has this way of getting away with everything. I don’t know why he even invites me to have Christmas with him sometimes. He never wants me there. As a kid, he never really acknowledged me, nor did he make Christmases very enjoyable the couple of times I saw him. He made me open my presents in the car that was parked in the lot a few doors from his house, away from everyone else. He didn’t want his other kids to get upset.”

I see his Adam’s apple bob at my confession. “Fuck, Ains.”

I pull back to look at him and see that his intense eyes are fierce and not moving from mine. I can see and feel from the heat radiating off him that he doesn’t like me being upset, or the people or person who may have caused it. Is it bad that his reaction, and him cursing like that, actually makes me feel better somehow? Is it terrible that it sparks something within me that makes me feel like I matter, and that I’m important? The fact he’s being so damned protective over me lights me up brighter than the town Christmas tree, standing boldly in front of the Town Hall.

How can I feel this ignited from telling him something so shameful and awful?

But this is the kind of guy Cole is. He always has that ability to make me feel better.

It couldn’t come at a more welcome time. “He’s not a good guy,” I finally say. “He’s probably calling in a half assed attempt to see what my Christmas plans are.”

“You can say no to him, you know.” Cole tilts his head and rubs his hand over my shoulders. “You know that, right?”

“It’s always hard saying no to my dad. He kinda has that ability to make me feel obligated, despite everything I know about him.”

“Then make a change right now,” he says. “Put a stop to it if it makes you feel this bad, it clearly stresses you out. Say no to Christmas with him if that’s not what you want to do.”

I blink up at him and swallow hard. Say no to my dad? I mean, I could, I guess.

But do I have the courage to do that? I know I’m an adult and all, but he makes me feel like I’m still that little girl all over again, opening her presents in the car and keeping them there until I went home later.

“Do you want to see him this Christmas?” he asks, even though we both already know the answer.

I shake my head vehemently. “I hate it. I feel stupid for putting myself through it to please a man who clearly doesn’t care if I exist or not. I’ve avoided it some years, but I go out of obligation because my dad is getting older and all that stuff.”

“So you go out of guilt? You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” he says softly, calmly. And God, I want to believe him so badly. I know it deep down. I’ve just never stood up to him.

I feel his lips press into my forehead in a soft kiss. The wash of relief that comes over me that my secret is out of the bag, and he’s okay with it, makes my shoulders relax, as well as my nerves. Again, it shows me what a man Cole really is. This is how men should be . Not a coward hiding like my father, and making my mom and I feel worthless. “I’ll tell him no if that’s what his call was about,” I whisper. “It’s high time I took control.”

“I think that’s a good idea.” He pauses, and after a moment, he continues. “You know, you could write it all down in a letter.”

I look up at him again. “A letter?”

“Yeah, I saw something on one of those talk shows and it said you can help release pent-up emotions and get stuff off your chest by writing a letter to the person. You jot down everything you want to say, leaving nothing out. You don’t even have to send it, or say it out loud, in fact, in the show they burned the letter. It’s more for you than it is for the other person.”

My heart thrums at his words. I could do that. Maybe I do have pent-up emotions that I haven’t released. I know I have things I need to get out, but don’t necessarily feel the need to tell them to my dad. He’ll never change. Cole could be onto something. “That doesn’t sound like a bad idea,” I sniff.

His head dips a little further, and he kisses my nose. I lift my face upward so our lips meet and he kisses me soft and slow, as though I’m going to break.

“You don’t have to be careful with me. I won’t shatter into a million pieces,” I say between kisses.

He traces along my jawline, pressing into my neck where I feel his warm breath and soft lips circle over my tender flesh. “I know you won’t shatter,” he whispers, the words softly caressing my skin as he speaks. “You’re strong, Ainsley, to get through what you have in the past. I love savoring every kiss with you. I want to savor every inch of you, if you’ll let me. ”

My mouth drops open as he nuzzles into my neck. My body is alight with the heat of his words and his careful but sexy movements. Every touch sends a shiver down my spine. I never knew a man could be like this. That you could tell him all your secrets and he could make it better with a soft touch and a few words. I could burn the letter. I like the idea.

Somehow, he’s put everything into perspective while we’ve been sitting here in his truck.

I lean in to appreciate him further. His scent fills my nostrils; every pulsing heartbeat is yearning for him. Every nerve ending inside me wants him, and my body is humming to whatever tune he’s playing.

“I’ll let you,” I whisper. “I’ll let you do whatever you want.”

He pulls back to kiss me again on the lips. It’s still soft and slow, but his grip on my waist tells me he’s fighting the urge to not take things further right here and now. “Music to my ears,” he says with a dark, rumbly chuckle that doesn’t just soften the edges of my heart and my very being. It actually melts them.