Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Shiloh

C onfusion and fear were the two emotions battling for power inside of my head. Fear because we might actually freeze to death out here, and confusion because what the hell was going on with Gary? Had I missed something? Was he possibly having a brain bleed? Because the way he was looking at me right now, the things he was hinting at, could they even be possible? He didn’t want me like I’ve always wanted him. He was straight. But straight guys don’t stare at other guys lips like Gary was staring at mine. I cleared my throat and lowered my hand to my lap.

“Your eyebrow seems like it’s scabbing up okay.”

“Oh.” He sighed and turned his gaze toward the windshield.

I watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat, the tightness in my chest growing sharp with each breath. We were trapped. We might have to walk, God knew how far, to find help. We might not make it until the morning. Hell, we might not make it a couple of hours if the car ran out of gas. These were all valid concerns. Concerns that should be at the forefront of my thoughts, but all I could think about was him. Him and his blue eyes knocking down every one of the walls I’d built over the last two years. Those honest and piercing blue eyes looking at me in the way I’d dreamt about for so long.

You’re important to me.

Was I having some post-survival imaginative dissociation? Where my brain was making up shit to stave off a panic attack, to stop me from freaking out about the actual situation. Was that even a thing?

“Do you think when two people experience a traumatic event… their brains create a false narrative, like connect somehow in a shared delusion to keep them calm?”

He stared at me.

“False narrative?”

“Yeah, I don’t know. It’s just a theory. Like our brains tell us things. Maybe things we never thought about before… Things we wish were real…just in the moment, to keep us occupied with hopeful shit, when in reality we know it can’t happen.”

“What can’t happen?” he asked, his eyes falling to my mouth again.

Heat gathered low in my stomach as he licked his lips.

“This,” I whispered, unwilling and too afraid to say what I actually wanted to say.

This.

You.

Kissing you.

Having you.

Finally.

“We’re going to make it out of this,” he said as he reached across the console to tuck a few strands of my hair behind my ears. “I promise.”

His hand settled on my neck, and I closed my eyes. Was it possible I was already dead, lying somewhere in the snow, and all of this was just the last vestiges of my synapses firing. Was he comforting me, or did he want to kiss me? I couldn’t be the one to make the first move. I couldn’t open my eyes and deprive myself of this thin thread of hope .

Oh God…

Just Kiss me.

“Are you sure?” he whispered, and I could feel the ghost of his breath tickling my lips.

My eyes opened and he was right there.

“Goddammit… Did I say that out loud?”

“Shi…” His mouth curved into a funny little smile, something I’d never seen before as he framed my face in his hands. “I want to kiss you so fucking bad.”

The console dug into my hip as I tried to inch closer. “You do?”

He nodded and licked his lips again, and it took all of my strength not to hop in his lap.

“Can I?”

“Don’t tease me right now,” I begged, my throat aching with suppressed need and all the hope I’d gathered over two long years. “I don’t think… I know I couldn’t survive this if you’re fucking with me.”

“I’m not fucking with you,” he breathed. “You have no idea…”

“I think I might have an inkling.”

“Oh yeah?” he murmured and pressed his mouth to mine.

The kiss was slow at first, unsure as I twisted in my seat to get closer. It built, like the years of want, stealing the oxygen from the small space between us as his hand gripped the back of my neck and parted my lips with his tongue. A low groan escaped his chest, and I buried my fingers in his hair, dragging my body even more over the console. We broke apart breathless, and he slid his seat as far back as it would go. I didn’t hesitate, taking the invitation, and crawled onto his lap, the car horn blaring as my back hit the steering wheel and our mouths collided again. The burn of his five o-clock shadow spread over my chin and jaw, and yes , this was everything, this was us, how we should have been. It was too fast, too overwhelming. He was a rising river, and I was a dam about to break. We had too many things we needed to say, too many fears. He was too important to me to lose over a heated, last man on earth scenario. I had to know if this was as real for him as it was for me .

“Gary…”

“Hmm…” His hands found the curve of my ass as he lifted his hips, grinding the growing bulge beneath his sweats against my own hardening cock.

He swore as I gasped. “Oh God.”

“Fuck, Shi… I…” He lifted his hips again, rutting against me, his mouth open with a moan, and I pressed my palms to his chest, fighting the lust burning through my veins.

I had him. And it was perfect. The world was a white blanket, and we were hidden underneath it, and I could take what I wanted and deal with the consequences later. But this was Gary.

This was the man I’d fallen in love with, and he needed to know.

“Shi…” His lips were swollen, his eyes lit with a blue flame, all of his vulnerability on display, and it gave me the courage to say what I’d been dying to say since I figured out I was gone for my best friend.

I traced his jaw with the pad of my thumb as I took a few deep breaths. “Gary… I… I don’t know how to do this.”

“I think we’re doing it okay.” He smirked, and of course, I laughed.

He always made me laugh.

“I mean… I’m going to say something and it’s probably going to freak you out, but don’t, okay, because this can be just this. If that’s what you need. Even if it hurts. I know you’re not into guys and I know?—”

“Shi. I’m obviously into at least one guy… This is?—”

“I get it. You don’t have to explain. This is like a life and death thing for you, right? But I have to say?—”

“Jesus, Shi, this isn’t?—”

I covered his mouth with my hand, my courage waning as he stared at me with growing confusion.

What if he started to freak out? What if we made it out of this mess and he regretted this entire night.

I let out a long-shuddered breath. I had to tell him the truth. Even if it meant I lost my best friend. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me.

“I fell in love with you when I shouldn’t have. Knowing this could never happen. And maybe I’m out there, buried in snow, half frozen to death in the wilderness, and this is all something my brain has conjured up to help me fade into the inevitable end, but I fucking love you, Gary, so much sometimes I can’t breathe, and God, that’ so sappy and gross but it’s true.” Relief, like nothing I’d ever felt flooded through me as he smiled. I leaned my forehead against him with a giant exhale. “I need you to say something.”

“Sappy and gross… that’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.” I could hear the smile in his voice and leaned back to see his eyes. They were crystal clear and honest as he wiped away the moisture that had fallen unbidden down my cheeks. “Have you always been such a crybaby?”

“I seriously hate you.” I moved, trying to get back into my own seat when he grabbed my hips, holding me in place.

I’d never realized how big Gary’s hands were until they were pressed against my skin.

“This… kissing you… isn’t some stress-induced reaction to my near-death experience. Shi… I was confused for a very long time, but you… I want you. I have for awhile.”

“You have?”

“I think I fell for you the day I walked into that fucking bookstore.” He shook his head, lost in memory. “You were so quiet, hiding behind that ratty ass copy of Eragon . I thought you were so cute. You’re always so damn cute, and I didn’t want to admit to myself, what I think, I’ve known for most of my life… but you... you made me want to admit it. You made me want to be honest with myself.” More stupid tears spilled over my lashes as I blinked. He kissed me once on the corner of my mouth and then again on my nose. “For real… have you always cried this much.”

“Fuck off,” I hiccupped a laugh as I rubbed my cheeks. “I’m stuck in a ditch and the guy I’m stupid in love with is actually in love with me too, and we wasted two whole years, and now we’re most likely going to die by exposure to the elements.”

“I have some blankets in the trunk. We could get cozy in the back seat,” he said with a suggestive raise of his brows.

“Get cozy… You seem to have transitioned into your queerness without a hitch.”

The humor left his eyes as he drew me in for another deep kiss. “I’m sure about you, Shi. Always have been. It just took me a second to trust myself.”

“Or a life-altering event?”

“It’s easier to see how much you love someone when you’re threatened with the chance of losing them.” He lifted my chin, his gaze finding mine. “I hate that it took two deer trying to murder us to figure that out. I’ve wasted enough time. I love you, and if we make it out of this, I’m going to spend every day showing you how much.”

“You can start now,” I said, and trailed my fingers over his jaw and the slope of his neck, letting my mouth hover over his.

“Mmm… how?”

“Admit it… elves are better than dwarves.”