6. Iris

6

IRIS

Trevor slams me up against the door of my hotel room, his mouth on mine, tongue swooping into my mouth. Claiming me.

We tumble backward into the room, remaining upright thanks to my hold on the door handle. “Fuck.”

Trevor takes the moment to move his mouth to my neck, undoing my scarf while his mouth nips and sucks at the skin.

I wrap my hand around the back of his head, fingering his beautiful curls.

Fuck, I’ve missed this. I didn’t know how badly I still wanted him.

Actually, that’s a lie. Of course I knew. But I was going to ignore it in the name of our mutual disdain.

We never got an opportunity for breakup sex. Six months later is better than never.

“I want to fuck you.” Trevor tears his mouth from my neck and moves to the other side, kissing me again.

My entire body swoons with a sigh. “Fuck me, then.”

Trevor pulls me away from the door, letting it shut behind us.

He traps me in his embrace walking me back step by step into the hotel room.

“I don’t –” Kiss. “Have a –” Kiss. “Condom, though.”

“I’m back on the pill.” I stopped taking it a few months before the wedding, knowing that he’d soon want to work on having a baby. Then promptly got back on it when he shattered my heart.

“Can I–are you sure?”

I grab the front of his coat, undoing the buttons as quick as I can. “For fuck’s sake, Trevor, just do it, okay? It doesn’t have to be a whole thing, just–”

I push his coat off his arms. “Just fuck me.”

Once his arms are free from the coat, he grabs the sides of my face and shoves me back until I am pressed up against the dresser. The big screen television shakes, almost tipping over thanks to how rough we are being.

“Careful,” I hiss.

“I’ll pay for it. I don’t give a damn.”

“Fuck, why is that so sexy?”

After he yanks my coat down my arms, he throws it to the side, then lifts me onto the dresser. He pulls my sweater up, and I lift my arms to help him get it over my head.

My skin pricks with goosebumps until his hands wrap around my waist, his touch warm and clearly wanting.

I wrap my legs around his hips.

His groin rubs against mine, and I feel how hard he is.

My body remembers his curves and edges, how hard he can get.

I undo his pants with trembling fingers. “Get these off, pull these down.”

As soon as my hand has the clearance to do so, I slide it into his pants, get a handful of him over his briefs.

His head falls back. “ Fuck . Fuck, Iris.”

He grinds his cock into my hand without any hesitation.

“You make me so fucking…hm…” He grips the dresser and lifts my chin so our eyes meet. “You piss me the fuck off, you know that?”

“Feeling’s mutual.”

Trevor bares his teeth and then goes for my jeans.

My turn to be exposed.

He tugs them down and all the way off, both of us frustrated when the tight fabric gets caught on my shoes.

Dammit, we’re both so caught up in the moment we can’t even get the order of operations right.

Once my legs are freed, Trevor returns to me, grabbing me by the hips and pulling me down off the dresser. He spins me around so my ass is pressed against his package.

With an instructing grip, he positions both my hands on the dresser, dropping his mouth down by my ear and growling, “Be a good girl for once.”

“For you? Never.”

A growl travels up from his belly before he kisses me harshly, his teeth digging into my lower lip.

I moan despite myself.

Dammit . Now he knows what a hold he has over me.

Trevor retreats and next thing I know, his cock is free, resting on my ass cheeks.

His fingers hook into the gusset of my panties. “You’re wet.”

“Captain obvious.”

“You want me to fuck you or not?”

“Don’t act like you could walk away right now without fucking me, Trevor.”

“You talk an awfully big game for a girl who is bent over, waiting to take my cock.”

I glare at him over my shoulder. “Fuck me or fuck off .”

Sex with us was never such an argument. But there’s six months of distance between us, six months of pain, six months of hating in the name of loving.

Trevor’s nostrils flare, and the corners of his eyes tighten. “Fine.”

Without another word, Trevor presses the head of his cock inside.

I rise up onto my tiptoes with a gasp.

I’m tight. Tighter than I’ve been in a while thanks to my celibacy. But once I’ve overcome that initial stretch, the initial burn, my body aches with need.

He’s always felt so good inside me, since the very first time. And that was two weeks after we started seeing each other after meeting in that app.

Now, here we are again.

Trevor grabs my ass cheeks and uses them as leverage to push himself further and further with every thrust. His grunts sound almost pained.

I love the sound.

I move with him, moving my hips to match his whenever I can, letting my body bounce with the force of him.

It feels so good to be filled. Not just by anyone, but by him.

The man I was supposed to spend forever with.

Something breaks inside me. Despite the trembling intensity of the moment, my eyes prick with tears.

Just get through it, Iris . Just enjoy .

Except, that’s the problem. Trevor feels too good. He’s not just a man, not a stranger with a nice dick.

He’s Trevor.

My Trevor .

With each thrust, a whimper tears out from the back of my throat.

Trevor’s hands slide around to my belly and up my front, sliding under my bra so he can get handfuls of my breasts. He presses himself up against my back, his forehead pressed against the top of my spine. “Iris, oh my god, Iris, I– I–”

“Can we stop?” I don’t even realize I have said it until Trevor pauses.

“Did I hurt you?”

“No, it feels good, it feels so good. And that’s what hurts.”

Trevor kisses my spine. “I’ll stop. I’ll go.”

He slides out of me. I’ve never felt so empty.

“No!” I grab his hand and keep it pressed to my chest. “No, you can’t go. I just need…”

I can’t put what I need into words. So, I just do.

Lacing my fingers with Trevor’s, I stare into his eyes. Between us are all the memories, all the moments. And for a second, I forget about the past six months.

That second is long enough to change the entire tenor of this night.

It was supposed to be carnage, anger, and lust. Now my chest tightens with the love we shared, the hope of a life together, the safety .

I kiss him. Soft and short at first. Then deeper and deeper until I’m pressing my chest up against his, urging him backward. Step by step, he goes until he runs up against the bed.

“Sit,” I huff against his lips.

Trevor listens, guides himself down onto the bed.

I straddle his lap and press a forceful, trembling kiss to his lips.

His fingers dig into my hips, harsh enough to hurt, but right now, it’s the best feeling in the world.

He needs me. For a moment.

Forever.

I toss out that single, dangerous word by grabbing his cock and point it upward.

Trevor does not resist and allows me to drop down onto his hardness inch by inch.

The room is so still and silent except for the shaky breath we continue exchanging back and forth.

“Iris…” Trevor whispers.

“I’ve missed you.” It slips out. I know I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help it.

“I know. Me too. I– Why did you have to leave?”

I clench my center around him.

Trevor groans into my neck, but he does not forget his question. “Why did you have to leave me like that?”

It’s a question that doesn’t have a good answer. At least, not at the moment. Because he knows why I decided to do what I did now. This question is bigger than the logistics, the reality. It’s spiritual, his heart sobbing.

So, I kiss him. I ride him, slow at first, welcoming him deeper and deeper.

Trevor uses his hands to guide my hips back and forth on him.

As pleasure builds, I wrap my arms around his neck, bury my face in his hair, and just breathe.

I could apologize, but it’s too complicated to explain right now when we’re both in the throes of a building orgasm.

I’m sorry I hurt him, but not sorry for my decision. I’m sorry I left him, but not sorry for keeping myself close.

Trevor grabs me by the hair and tugs my face back, forcing me to look at him. “Don’t hide. Look at me.”

It’s both terrifying and exhilarating.

“Look at me,” he murmurs again.

His hand cups my chin.

There is desperation on his face, echoing the heat inside me.

His cock, penetrating deep and hard, nags at my deep pleasure spot, and our closeness means I’m rubbing my clit against his lower belly over and over.

His dark eyes say so much, even in the shadow of my hotel room. Agony.

I decide to imagine it’s the agony of wanting release even though I know it’s so much more than that.

I start moving my hips faster, a whimper accompanying each thrust.

“Oh my god.” Trevor’s throat bobs up and down.

I press my forehead to his. “Fuck me. Fuck me like nothing is different.”

Bracing one hand on the bed, he starts fucking me even deeper, hips lifting upward to drive himself all the way to his balls.

I’m so desperately filled, sounds pouring out of me probably loud enough for the neighbors to hear. “You feel so good, that feels so–”

If I’ve been in control since straddling his lap, Trevor steals that control in an instant, flipping me onto my back.

He stands at the end of the bed and drives into me, grunting with primality. His brow is folded, attention focused on the place we meet.

“You’re– you feel so good,” I whine.

Trevor places a hand on my lower belly, compacting the already tight space his cock takes up inside me.

My body bucks and jolts, chasing the growing high. “Oh my god, oh my god, oh fuck .”

“Come with me. Come with me, baby.”

It’s impossible to avoid the orgasm when he calls me baby . It’s a simple term of endearment, and yet it means so much.

It’s not my name, not something that puts me at a distance, but something that pulls me closer to him .

And I have wanted to be close to him again for six months, all hatred aside.

Trevor drives himself in again, mouth parting. “Oh shit .”

He’s lost. And so am I.

The orgasm crests over me, a torrent of electric pleasure.

I scream out, grabbing onto Trevor’s forearm, wishing he’d rolled up his sleeves so I could feel his strength skin to skin.

As my pussy pulsates around him, Trevor spills. His chin dips down to his chest, a choked sound coming out of the back of his throat.

My body illuminates with more euphoria when I realize this is the first time he’s come inside me.

Of course, the first time he releases inside me is the time when it doesn’t even matter anymore. It’s almost like a curse. A punishment.

Remember what you could have had? Remember what you were too selfish to stay for?

I have stayed before for people less than Trevor. I couldn’t betray myself like that again.

Trevor shakes as if he can’t control himself. “ Fuuuuuuck. ”

Fuck indeed. Not only was the pleasure immense, but so was the amount he released inside me. I am stuffed with his warmth, his seed.

To think that if I stayed, we’d be doing this to make a baby. To be more than we are.

Instead, this is a meaningless fuck.

Tears prick my eyes.

Don’t you cry. Don’t you dare.

Trevor slides out of me. “Iris…”

I press my lips together and close my eyes.

“Are you all right? Did I hurt you?”

“No. No, of course not,” I say, my voice strained and raw.

His hand lands against my cheek like a feather. “Can I hold you?”

Does he want to kill me?

“I…sorry, that’s probably not–”

“For a little bit,” I say, knowing it will be my downfall.

Trevor lays down beside me and wraps his arms around me.

Immediately, it’s home.

I’ve been away from home for too long. Seattle isn’t home. Chicago isn’t even home. Trevor is home, and he has been since our very first date. I didn’t believe people when they said, “When you know, you know,” and then I met Trevor.

But did I really know if it turned out like this?

I turn over to face him, swinging my leg over his hip and holding him close.

I can’t apologize with words but maybe this embrace will do it.

Trevor clutches me close. “Are you cold?”

“Just hold me. Just…” Tears fall. I make sure they don’t land against his skin so he doesn’t know I’m crying.

Except Trevor knows. He always knows.

He squeezes me tighter, if that’s possible. “Iris, don’t cry.”

“I’m not,” I say, though the tears are obvious in my voice. “I’m–”

Despite wanting to remain in his arms for comfort, I know that he can’t solve the hurt.

I tear away from him, sitting up on the edge of the bed, placing my hands over my face and letting the tears fall.

How did we get here? I mean, I know, I can trace the timeline, the literal events that caused us to crumble apart. “We were going to take vows.”

Trevor sits up, adjusting himself so he’s not exposed. “I know, Iris.”

“In sickness and in health and all that other bullshit.”

“I know.”

I eye him over my shoulder. I’m sick all over again. “And you couldn’t forgive me for taking a job.”

Trevor sucks in a breath. He rubs his hands against his thighs, anxiety palpable. “Perhaps I wasn’t ready, then.”

“You weren’t ready to marry me?”

He shakes his head. “No, I mean, just…maybe I wasn’t strong enough. Maybe I never deserved you.”

“Oh, fuck off with that sad sack bullshit, Trevor.” I swipe tears away from my face.

I can’t believe we’re having this conversation while he’s dripping out of me and I’m almost completely naked, but life really likes to fuck with you.

Trevor sits beside me, silent.

“You should go. If you don’t have anything to say.”

“It’s not that I…I just don’t know what to…” Trevor sighs. “Okay. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I even…”

“Don’t you dare say you regret what just happened, that will just make it worse.”

“I wasn’t–”

I can’t sit here and listen to him trying and failing to say anything of meaning.

Shotting up off the bed, I rush into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me.

The tiled floor sends a chill through me, but I don’t care. I wait until I hear him go.

Takes him a while. In fact, he comes up to the bathroom door at one point, probably debating whether to knock or not. He doesn’t.

And on the one hand, I’m grateful. On the other, I wish he’d find the words to say and put me out of my misery.

Eventually, the door of the room opens and shuts, the heavy sound like a gavel. A judgment.

We shouldn’t have done that.

Except my body is still electric from his touch. From the way he filled me.

I wrap my arms around myself, wishing they were his arms. Wishing either of us knew what to say.