2. Iris

2

IRIS

My heart hasn’t stopped beating like a hummingbird since I left for the airport this morning.

It feels good to be back in Chicago, even if it’s frigid. But knowing that today I’m going to see Trevor for the first time in six months, speak to him hopefully for the first time in six months, has been driving me crazy.

I almost didn’t come. But Oliver and Rowan begged me to and, well, I can’t say no to them.

Red, Rowan’s online tag and the name I call her, is my best friend in the world. And the fact I’m the godmother to her daughter definitely connects us even deeper.

I try and facetime with baby Rose once a week. We can talk for hours, her babbling in half words and half sounds, me totally in love with her.

She is my ultimate weakness. I wasn’t going to say no to seeing Rose.

And I don’t like going home for the holidays, even if only to see my brother. Besides, the Hawthorns do Christmas like no other. A whole week of events leading up to the big day.

I didn’t need to ask if Trevor would be coming to all the Christmas festivities. I knew he would be. And even though I want nothing to do with him, there’s a small part of me that wants to see him again. Just to know what it feels like to be in the same room.

Will I feel as angry as I did walking out of our apartment with my bag packed? Or will I wonder why I ever left?

Only way to know is to do it.

So here I am, dismounting my rented Harley in front of the Hawthorn mansion.

“Violet!” Red calls out, Rose on her hip.

Violet is my gamer handle. A little confusing for those who know me IRL and online, but I never thought the girl I played Call of Duty years ago in my brother’s basement would be my best friend.

I rush up the steps to embrace Red and my goddaughter. “I’m so happy to see you!”

Rose burbles a bunch of words, grabbing at my hair. “Blue!”

“Blue! Yes, do you like it?!” I kiss the baby on the top of her head, soft hair tickling my nose.

Red doesn’t let me out of her embrace. “How do you travel on a motorcycle ?”

I am not proud, but I rented the motorcycle at the airport because I knew it would piss Trevor off. He was always freaked out by my riding them, so I backed off. It was nice to have someone worrying about me.

Now, though, he doesn’t worry, so I don’t have to care. “In the saddle bag, of course!”

Red rolls her eyes. “Oh, of course!”

Oliver steps in. “Hey, Iris!”

“Hey, big guy!” I hug my friend’s husband.

I’m then passed from person to person, all the Hawthorns welcoming me as if I was here just last weekend for family dinner.

When I started dating Trevor, I was integrated into the Hawthorn fold. Dinners, birthdays, parties, vacations. My social life became being part of a family that loved me. Me . And all that I am, not what they want me to be.

God, I’ve missed them.

By the time I make it to the final hug, Ash, who is looking grayer than the last time I saw him around the temples, I’m surprised there’s no Trevor.

“Love the hair, kiddo,” Ash says. “What do you think, Ives?”

Ivy pinches her lips, hands on hips, looking up at me. “I like it. I want blue hair.”

Ash and I both laugh.

I give the top of her head a ruffle. “Maybe when you’re older.”

“You arrived just in time. Dinner’s ready,” Ash says. “I made your favorite potatoes.”

“You didn’t .”

Ash grins. “It’s not every day our favorite person from Seattle comes to visit.”

I hold my smile in place, though his words cut through me. I’ve only been living in Seattle for six months.

Am I from there now? I still feel like I’m from Chicago.

Everyone starts flooding past me toward the dining room, the aromas of Ash’s cooking permeating the air.

I turn, searching the faces. Surely, I didn’t hug my ex-fiancé without even noticing.

My eyes find Red’s. She rushes up to me.

“Um…is Trevor here?”

Oliver passes just as I ask.

Red and him aren’t subtle. I notice every time they exchange a worried glance.

Oliver holds his arms to their daughter. “I’ll take Rose. You two take your time.”

Red hands off the baby to Oliver.

He walks off, the last of the Hawthorns to enter the dining room.

“Okay, Red, what’s going on?” I cross my arms over my chest.

“Nothing, I just want to prepare you for… He’s not happy you’re here.”

I chuckle. “Of course, he isn’t. I told you he wouldn’t be.”

“Yes, yes, but–” She waves her hand in the air, suggesting we need to be quieter. “I don’t know how he’s going to handle actually seeing you, and I just want to tell you how much we want you here. And how much he wants you here too.”

I freeze. “He said that?”

“Not explicitly.”

I shake my head. “Not implicitly either, I’d imagine.”

Red gives me a pointed look.

“What?! Otherwise, he would’ve come to say hi, right?”

“He’s just giving you space. You know, this has been hard on all of us.”

I snort. “Am I supposed to feel bad about that?”

“That’s not my point, I’m just saying that we all want this to be a happy holiday. For everyone . Including you and Trevor. I know this year has been hard on both of you.”

It didn’t start out that way. Not by a longshot.

Rowan takes my hand away from my chest and squeezes it. “Just be you. That’s all. You know we all love you .”

Not all…

I keep that thought to myself so as not to burden my friend with any more of my concerns. There’s no need. It’s all the same anxieties.

She and Oliver wouldn’t have begged me to come if they didn’t want me here. I’m going to have to rely on that when it becomes difficult to be around Trevor.

“Can we go eat? I’m starving. And I can smell Ash’s potatoes.”

Red grins. “Come on.”

Hand in hand, we walk into the dining room. Everyone is already seated.

My eyes immediately lock on Trevor.

He’s in his normal seat. And my normal seat used to be right next to him. Tonight, though, Oliver’s sitting at his side with Rose in a high chair between them.

Trevor’s eyes shoot up for only a brief moment, his brown eyes seeing through me. He looks away quickly.

I look away too. I can’t linger on how good he looks. It makes it all feel worse inside.

Good looks can’t make up for how much he hurt me. I know I caused the breakup by accepting the job without including him in the decision-making process, but he’s the one who cut it all off, even though we were supposed to get married.

“Here, sit with me.” Red tugs me to two empty chairs at the complete diagonal of the long table.

The Hawthorns had to get this one especially made so that every member of the family could fit around it. Including me.

We take a seat, and dinner unfolds around us.

I keep quiet, only speaking when spoken too, indulging in Ash’s good cooking.

However, its deliciousness is lost on me when I am reminded of all I’ve been missing. Not just Trevor, but all of this. Family .

In Seattle, all I have is a career. Sure, it’s as a lead game designer at Gallant, the foremost gaming company in the country. That’s why I couldn’t give up the opportunity. And I like my coworkers. Some of them I could call friends.

But I don’t have a family .

I forgot how nice it feels to watch all the parents dealing with their kids. Hearing about how they grew in the last week.

Now I’m playing catch up for six months. The twins, Trip and Danny, both had growth spurts and started pre-school. Piper carries herself with so much poise, leading by example whenever someone starts to throw a tantrum.

Everyone seems more in love than ever, too.

I’ve always heard babies make relationships harder and if that’s true, you’d never know from the way the Hawthorn couples look at each other.

I used to be one of those. Not a Hawthorn by name, but a couple at the table with stars in her eyes for the man she loved.

I can’t help but steal glances at the spot next to Trevor where Oliver sits.

How many times we sat there together, holding hands under the table, whispering to each other, feeling the future unwinding for us without question.

By now, Trevor and I were supposed to have been married for three months. Babies were to follow. Sooner than later.

Now, we’re both single again and can’t even look at each other.

I hate it.

But I hate him more because he’s the one who chose for it to end. Not me. Never would have been me.

When dinner is done, Dara enlists me and June to help clean up.

We collect dishes, me pointedly avoiding cleaning up at Trevor’s end of the table, and carry them into the kitchen.

“Thank you,” June says to Dara once the door is closed behind us. “Ronnie will not leave me alone.”

Dara smiles. “The clingy stage, huh?”

I wish I could answer something when it came to parenting in a knowing way. I’m just a godparent. A surrogate aunt.

“Yes! I’m so touched out.” June places the dishes in the sink, turning on the hot water. She turns to me and holds out her hands. “Anyway, no mom talk right now. We’re so happy to have you back, Iris.”

I blush, giving her my stack of dirty dishes and cutlery. “Aw, you’re sweet to say that.”

Dara nods. “She means it.”

“Well, I’ve missed you all too.” More than I know how to say… “Now, how can I help?”

Dara waves me off. “June’s got the dishes, I’ve got dessert.” She quickly plugs some buttons on the coffee machine, and it starts to brew. “You sit and tell us about the new job.”

Yes. The job. That’s a good way to get me out of my head.

“Well, we just released our latest title. Sales have been good, especially for the holidays.” A first person shooter with online co-op. Nothing reinventing the wheel. But the money is good and once I get my foot in the door, I get to start pitching my own projects. More video games for the female gaze. More for the girl gamers. More variety.

I just have to be patient.

“And you like Seattle?” June squeezes soap into the sink, the bottle making a loud sucking sound.

“I like it.” Which is true. “I miss Chicago, but Seattle’s nice. The access to nature is pretty incredible.”

Dara smiles. “Yes, the mountains! And the ocean. We’ll have to all visit you some time.”

“Oooh! Family vacay.”

I smile. “I’d like that. I can show you my new city. Although I don’t think you could all cram into my apartment.”

The girls laugh.

Soon, the coffee pot is full. Amid arranging some ripe strawberries on the pretty white cake she’s made, Dara asks, “Iris, could you go around with the coffee pot while I –”

“On it.” Just what I need, a task to busy myself.

She smiles before pushing some blonde strands out of her face with the back of her hand. “Thank you.”

I grab the pot, my heart throbbing in my chest as I reenter the dining room.

I’m going to have to go past Trevor, ask him if he wants coffee and–

Scratch that. Trevor’s not at the table anymore. Everyone is where I left them, except him.

I pretend like I haven’t noticed, like I don’t care, working my way around the table. I save Oliver for last so I can be covert about my curiosity.

“Coffee?” I reach out to pour the bean juice before he can answer.

Oliver eyes me, his hand on his chin. “Please.”

Despite the chatter of the Hawthorns, the only thing I can hear is the coffee hitting the mug. “Does…Does Trevor want coffee?”

Oliver shifts, glancing through the door into the living room. “Probably.” He grabs Trevor’s mug and holds it out for me. “You could bring it to him?”

“I’m not here to serve, Oliver,” I say with a bite in my voice, however, I pour coffee into the mug.

Oliver rolls his eyes. “I know that. Just…a suggestion.”

Watching the brown liquid fill Trevor’s mug, I make a decision.

Might as well face it head on. Once we get the first interaction out of the way, the rest should be easy, right?

“Fine.” I exchange the coffee pot for Trevor’s mug. “I’ll take it to him just this once.”

Oliver’s eyes soften. “Thanks, Iris.”

“Yeah,” I mutter as I head into the living room.

The Hawthorn Christmas tree is a sight to be seen. So miraculous they should sell tickets for people to come gawk at it. They’d make a killing.

It must be at least ten feet tall. Maybe more. All I really know is six footish Trevor is totally dwarfed by the thing as he stands beside it. Taking it in.

What the hell is he doing? Admiring the ornaments? Counting the light bulbs?

I stand there just long enough to be a creep if I don’t say anything.

Come on, Iris. You got this .

It’s easy to be a badass when playing a video game, but in real life, it’s a different beast.

I clear my throat.

Trevor’s attention immediately snaps to me. His eyes widen and then settle again into a look of…indifference.

Fuck, I hate that look.

I take a few steps toward him. “Coffee?”

Trevor’s quiet for a few moments, watching the steam rise off the mug. “Um. Sure.”

I hand over the coffee. “Careful, it’s hot.”

Our fingers brush, and I’m annoyed at how my body reacts. A betrayal to the fact that Trevor isn’t safe.

“Thank you,” Trevor murmurs, his voice low in his chest. It’s a private sounding voice, not his usual, chipper tenor.

I hate how that makes me feel too.

I turn to look at the tree too and settle my eyes on a sheeny green bulb that reflects both of our faces in a distorted fashion. “Happy holidays.”

“Yep.”

“So, I’d say it’s good to see you, but –”

“Yeah.”

I resist glancing at him.

It’s clear he doesn’t want to have this conversation. And hell, I don’t either, but it has to happen. “Look, we have to…at least be civil.”

“I think ignoring each other is probably the most civil thing we can do, don’t you think?” He sips the coffee.

Ouch .

“I think ignoring each other will make it awkward for everybody else. We can at least afford to say hello to one another.”

Trevor deigns to look at me, which is what I’ve wanted. Just a little acknowledgment. But now I can’t push myself to look back at him. Fucking hell.

“Iris–”

“Trevor.”

He huffs out an annoyed breath. “At the risk of being impolite–”

“That’s not a risk, you’ve already been plenty impolite tonight. Couldn’t even say hello when I arrived.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was supposed to roll out the red carpet for you.”

I glare at him. “All you had to do was say hello.”

Trevor turns toward me, now completely ignoring the Christmas tree. “Iris, I don’t know how to make it clearer. I don’t want you here.”

It’s not a shock, but the fact he’s saying it out loud is a slap to the face.

I knew this was a bad idea. I told Red and Oliver. But no, they pushed and pushed, said it would be good. For all of us.

Unless Trevor stops being so stubborn, though, I don’t know how we’re going to make it through this Christmas season. “Well, tough luck.”

“Apparently.”

“Look, I’m trying. ” I touch my chest.

“Try less.”

I press my lips together, a growl forming at the back of my throat. “So, what? Try and ignore you? How fun and not awkward is that for everyone else?”

Trevor sips his coffee, looking away.

“Hey, come on.” I grab his arm, forcing his attention back in my direction.

And boy, does it work. He looks down at my hand like I’m infecting him with something.

Good. Stay mad.

I release him. “We haven’t spoken in six months.”

“And whose fault is that?”

I furrow my brow. “Yours!”

Trevor holds up a finger and waggles it. “No, no, don’t you dare turn this on me.”

“You are the one who cut me off!”

“You’re the one who took a job without consulting me!”

“ Oh , so sorry, I didn’t consult King Trevor.”

His nostrils flare. At least he’s not apathetic. I prefer some emotion to none at all.

“I was your partner, Iris. Your fiancé . And you took a job without even bringing it up to me, without even discussing what it would mean for us to–”

“You said you’d support me in anything I wanted to do. You said –”

“You betrayed me!”

The temperature in the room has risen, my neck blotchy with heat. And I wouldn’t be surprised if some people closest to the door are hearing the commotion Trevor and I are creating.

“I’m not doing this.” I bring down the volume.

I start to turn, to end this conversation. It’s clear we’re not getting anywhere with this.

But Trevor’s not done. Not by a long shot.

He grabs my arm and pulls me back toward him. “ Iris ?—”

“Ouch! You’re hurting me!” I cry out, shrugging his hand off.

He lifts his hand, his face softening. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I–” Trevor stops suddenly, his eyes falling to the ground between us.

And for a second, I see the old Trevor. My Trevor. The man I was supposed to marry.

I know I betrayed him. He’s not wrong to feel that way. But I thought he could forgive me eventually. I thought we could get through it.

I was wrong. I get that now. I didn’t think I’d lose him forever, though.

I learned the hard way.

Isn’t that enough? Does he have to keep punishing me?

“Iris.” Just my name as a complete sentence. And my name on his lips hits me like it used to. A sweet caress of a whisper. A promise, a hope, a future.

Fuck.

Why does he still have to be so pretty? Perfect lips, tousled curls, chiseled features.

I’ve tried too hard to forget the way he made me feel in the good times.

And now here we are.

I lick my lips. “It’s just a week. We can do this for a week. For Rose at least, right?”

Trevor nods. “For Rose.”

I force myself to smile. “Okay. Good. We agree on that, at least.”

He nods again, says nothing more.

I decide to walk away, end the conversation here. The last time a conversation ended between us, it wasn’t my decision.

Trevor, though, tries to get in one last word. “You look good.”

I don’t turn around. “So do you.”

Then I leave.