8. Allie

Allie

When Winston stepped out of the bathroom, my breathing felt funny.

There was no way I could pretend, or worse, lie. Not about how I felt around him or how much I’d missed him. Missed moments like the ones we were sharing now. Simple and easy. Me on the couch, him stepping out of the shower. Little moments that were no big deal to others, but for me? I’d hoped to have a lifetime of them. Could it still happen?

The reminder and hurt hit me like a tidal wave. I tried to avoid looking in his direction, but I was weak. No matter how hard I tried, my gaze kept bouncing over to him, taking in every detail I could. It was like my heart and body had been starving for him.

His hair was longer and slightly shaggier. I wondered if he hadn’t bothered to cut it since we had broken up. Which surprised me. Winston Nash was all about order, schedules, and appointments. He had a standing date with his barber, who he had on speed dial at his office. He stood by the fire while he towel-dried his hair. For a moment, with his back turned to me, I could watch him without worrying about being caught staring.

His broad shoulders made my hands ache to touch him. I knew personally the muscles that lay beneath the soft flannel of his plaid shirt. His narrow waist, thick thighs, and cute butt beneath a pair of well-worn dark gray joggers and white crew socks. Even with the time we had spent together, I doubted I’d seen him this way. So casual and slightly disheveled. I liked it.

He turned, his eyes intense with a soft half smile. “Warm enough?” he asked, breaking the silence between us. Before I answered, his brows bunched. “I could look for more blankets,” he offered, and those dang walls I’d built didn’t feel as strong as I thought they would be.

“I’m good,” I answered politely. I hadn’t forgotten how sweet he could be, how attentive. That was probably why it had felt like such a one-eighty when he started to act cold and distant. “Would you like to sit?” I offered, scooting down the couch and pulling the sheets over.

For a moment, he didn’t move. We just stared at one another. His body taut and gaze almost smoldering. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking about. Finally, he took the seat next to me. For a beat, we just stared at the fire, listening to the wood snap and crackle.

“This place is nice,” he stated. I smiled, my eyes focused on the orange flames. He was terrible at small talk. Especially when he was nervous. I opened then shut my mouth, not sure of what to say either. Seemed like I was bad at it, too.

“I thought so,” I mumbled quietly, not turning to look at him. Part of me still couldn’t believe he was here with me.

That’s when it hit me.

What he had done today.

Winston was a busy man. He was successful because he was diligent about his work. Even on his days off, he wasn’t off. He was always booked weeks in advance. Looking at his schedule was overwhelming. But today, he found out I’d come here, dropped everything and followed me. Just like that. That didn’t feel like the actions of a man who didn’t care. Did it?

“When did you book the cabin?” I swallowed.

“About a week before you got all…” I squished my nose and made a face before turning to face him. “We should probably talk.” I couldn’t believe how calm I sounded.

“We should.” He nodded, agreeing easily. Win’s gaze never wavered from mine. I opened my mouth, and my stomach growled with the loudest, most obnoxiously embarrassing sound ever.

“Oh my god.” I shut my eyes. “I’m sorry! I made a snack when I went to take a bath, but all I really had was wine,” I blurted out, realizing I’d just reminded both of us of what else I had done in the bath.

“The bath, huh?” His voice darkened, and my eyes popped open. Silence fell between us for a moment. The cabin had started to warm up thanks to the roaring fire Winston had started for us, but something else was crackling in the air. Sexual tension simmered just slightly below the boiling point. He cleared his throat, and for some reason, that scratchy deep sound made my nipples harden even more, almost painfully. “How about I make us something to eat really fast, and I’ll come back, and we can talk?”

“I can—“ He put a hand out and shook his head.

“Please,” he said softly. I had a feeling that little please was going to get me in trouble.

“Okay,” I whispered. Win leaned in, almost like he was going to kiss me. I gasped but waited on what felt like pins and needles.

Instead, his lips touched my forehead. That’s when I realized that like a dummy, I was showing my hand all willy-nilly. My eyes had shut, and my lips parted. Like I was ready and willing for a kiss that never comes. I opened my eyes, surprised to see him not only still on the couch but closer now.

“I see the disappointment in your eyes, baby girl. We have a lot to talk about, and before I kiss you, there are things you need to know, things we need to get out.”

“Okay,” I softly agreed.

“I want you to know it’s not that I don’t want to feel those perfect lips on mine.”

“Okay,” I breathed. My heart picked up speed as if it started to work right for the first time since I’d broken it off. My lips actually tingled with anticipation.

“Okay.” His forehead pressed against mine, and I got lost in his beautiful gaze. “We good?”

“So far,” I mumbled sassily, and instead of concern, I saw his gaze almost sparkle.

“I can work with that.” He winked and got up from the couch.

“Take the candle.” I wasn’t sure what he thought he could do in the kitchen, but he was creative, and a really great cook.

Not thirty minutes later, he stepped out with a tray with two bowls and two plates on it. He set it down on the coffee table in front of the couch and sat down next to me. “Soup and grilled cheeses.”

“My favorite,” I whispered. It was the best comfort meal, in my opinion.

“I remember.” He remembered. Damn it. Staying mad was going to be a lot harder than I could have imagined. We both scooted to the edge of the couch and ate in silence. Each of us stealing little peeks at the other, the air between us thickening.

Turning almost electric.

“That was delicious,” I complimented.

“It was nothing fancy.” He shrugged, and without thinking about it, my hand moved and covered his. The heat of his hand made me clench my grip on his. While I couldn’t get myself to look at him, I couldn’t tear my eyes from my hand on his. The contrast of our skin color illuminated against the candlelight.

“It was perfect.” I tore my gaze from our hands, and our eyes connected. “You always make the best meals.” I wasn’t sure if it was the glowing fire, but he looked like he blushed.

“We need to talk,” he reminded me. My smile fell, Dread tightened in my belly. My thoughts raced with all the possibilities that could have been the reason for the way he had changed so much so quickly.

“Right,” I whispered. “Okay, umm…” I pulled my hand off his and wiped it on my thighs. I sat back on the couch, bending my legs to sit crisscross. Winston turned and focused his attention on me.

When he opened his mouth, I scooted further back, until the armrest of the couch touched my back. “You running from me, princess?” My lips parted, and I shut them before scowling lightly.

“Alaska,” I muttered, but we both knew there was no fight left in me. He extended his hand and took hold of mine, threading our fingers together, and I let him. I didn’t even try to fight it. “Come here, Allie.” I licked my lips.

“Go where? I’m right here,” I muttered. One of his brows rose.

“Here.” He tugged, but I didn’t go to him. Not immediately, at least.

“But I’m fine right here—" Not that he listened. He pulled me over, settling me on his lap, my legs straddling his thighs.

“Wow,” I gasped and chewed on my bottom lip, “Win, I don’t know if this is the best idea.” It felt good. Too good. Being that close to Winston made my head all fuzzy and a little lust drunk. Especially after having been without him for so long.

“Shh,” he soothed. “Please? Give me a moment?” he asked gently before he pressed his forehead against mine.

I did as he asked, and while we sat in silence for a moment, I stupidly soaked in his heat, every little thing I felt. The way his body felt like it surrounded me. As much as I shouldn’t, it felt like I had the best seat in the cabin. I loved sitting on his lap.

Win was so big and strong. It always felt like no matter what, being that close, nothing bad could ever happen to me. To us.

“I missed you,” he rumbled, breaking the silence. His mouth was so close to mine, I felt every exhale. “Missed this. Missed you so damn much, beautiful.” His breath tickled my skin before his lips moved to the line of my neck. Instead of pulling back, I tilted my head like an idiot, giving him access to my flesh.

“Winston,” I breathed. His lips brushed against my pulse point.

“I’m sorry. I’m really fucking sorry,” he apologized. The rumbly tortured tone of his voice made my skin break out into gooseflesh.

“I was so damn stupid. I was—“ The pause in his voice had me pulling back resting my hands on his shoulders. I licked my lips, loving the taste of him on them, before I frowned.

“Was there someone else?” The question tumbled out before I could stop it. I’d asked that the night I’d broken it off with him. He’d denied it, but I wasn’t sure what else could have made him change so much.

“No!” My shoulders relaxed. Maybe it was stupid to believe him so easily, but there was something about the way he answered, the way he looked at me, I couldn’t not believe him. I trusted him. I just hoped I wouldn’t regret it.

“Was it me?” I asked, because if we were going to talk, I needed my questions answered.

“Yes. No. Not the way you think. Shit, I’m making a mess of this.”

“Talk to me. Please, Win. I want to understand,” I pleaded.

“Daddy,” he corrected, and I swallowed hard. I wasn’t sure I was ready to call him that again. Not after how much it’d hurt to let him in, to trust him with everything I was, then have him hurt me like he had.

“Winston––“

“I love you.” Those three little words sounded good. I’d known he had felt that way even if we hadn’t said it out loud. But three sweet words can’t fix everything.

“Win—"

“I do,” he rasped. “I should have told you that before.” His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “Allie, I love you like I never thought was possible. I mean, shit, baby, I had already come to terms with the fact I would probably be a bachelor for the rest of my days. I was okay with that.” He swallowed hard. “Then you came into my life…” His lips tipped up. “And I fell so damn hard, so damn fast. I saw you, and I just… I knew you were it for me. Hell, we clicked on every level possible. In and out of the bedroom. I didn’t know which way was up.” I blinked, slowly processing what he had just said.

“I fell hard, and the things I wanted—" His voice cracked before a moment of silence fell between us.

“You wanted what?”

“Everything,” he rasped. “I wanted everything with you.” I blinked and watched him for a beat. Everything? He made that sound like it was a bad thing.

“I don’t understand.”

“You have goals, princess,” his voice rasped. “You’re working at a great firm and––“ Winston cleared his throat, his brows bunched together, and suddenly, I saw it. This heavy weight on his shoulders. One I recognized from when he started to change. “All I could think about was stealing your birth control and coming deep inside you.”

“What?” I gasped. His smoldering gaze connected with mine. Out of all the things I had come up with about why he had changed, that hadn’t crossed my mind. Not even a little bit.

“You heard me, princess.” His hands grazed up my arms, up my neck and into my hair before cupping my face, tilting it up to force me to look at him more closely. “I wanted to toss your pills down the goddamn toilet and flush each one down.”

“That’s not good for the environment,” I mumbled like an idiot.

“I wanted to rip the condom off every time I fucked you doggy style. Lie to you that I was still wearing it before I creamed you so fucking full it dripped out of your sweet little hole only for me to push it back in.” The image was so real in my head, I started to squirm on his lap.

“Winston.” I shivered.

“I wanted forever with you and everything that fucking brought. Babies. Carpools. Stupid trips to Target where I bitched about scented candles you thought we needed. And fucking growing old together, older in my case.” My lips twitched a little before I looked at him seriously.

“You wanted to have a baby with me?” He nodded slowly.

“All the ones you would wanna give me,” he confirmed, and I chewed on my bottom lip.

“Why was that a bad thing?” I asked, still not fully processing what he’d confessed.

“I wanted to do that, but not at the cost of your dreams. You wanted to get more time in at Hutchkins, then start your own firm. We hadn’t talked about it, and I couldn’t bring it up because I knew the moment I said it out loud, not much would stop me from doing just that any way possible. I wanted you so tied to me, we were tangled up for life. So fucking stuck to you, you wouldn’t be able to get rid of me. Ever.”

“You wanted to knock me up?” I repeated, still not believing what I was hearing.

“Yes,” he shamelessly admitted. I swallowed. “Every time we were together, all I could think about was knocking you up. Filling your pretty tummy with my babies.”

“Winston—"

“Seeing you round and swollen.” He bit down on his lip. “I wanted to make sure every motherfucker out there knew you were taken. It’s fucking archaic how badly I want to get you pregnant and barefoot. All so anyone who laid eyes on you would know that you’re mine. That daddy got between your legs and fucking planted his kid in you. And don’t get me wrong, princess, I know I sound like a fucking psycho.”

“That wasn’t what I was going to say,” I interrupted.

“But I felt like it. I felt like a damn psycho. You have any idea how badly I wanted to knock you up and keep you forever?”

“Wanted to? Past tense?” The vulnerability in my voice was crystal clear.

Everything he was saying should have freaked me out.

Should have made him a walking, breathing red flag. I mean, he had just admitted to thinking about tossing my pills away! That he has wanted to lie about wearing a condom.

But I wasn’t freaking out or worried.

I knew, deep down in my soul, Winston would never do anything to hurt me. I trusted him, and hearing all this only made me realize just how right I had been to have the faith I’d had in him. In us.

“No, baby. No way.” He shook his head. “I still want to keep you forever. But then? When everything was happening, all I could think about was that as your daddy, I want your dreams to come true and—“ I lifted a hand from his shoulder and covered his full lips.

“Stop,” I quietly demanded, and by the stern expression on his handsome face, he didn’t like that. I dropped my hand.

“Don’t you get it?” I asked. Lines formed over his brows. “You were it. You are it,” I admitted. Now that I knew what was going on in his head, I sort of understood him. It made the wall, whatever was left of it, protecting my heart start to chip away quicker, in bigger chunks.

“You’re it for me, Winston. I wanted the same things,” I admitted. My eyes dropped to his beautiful neck. His body froze beneath mine. He was so stiff I worried he wasn’t even breathing.

“I was late,” I admitted quietly, sharing something I hadn’t even told Piper. “Before… before I booked this trip, I was a day late for my period. And for that day, I wondered… what… it might be like… to be pregnant expecting your baby.”

“Allie––“

“And when my period came… I was sad.” I made a face and shrugged before my eyes rose to meet his. “And then I thought about you and me and how I could really see a future together. A real one. I didn’t need a ring or legal promises. I could just see you and me. Always. And in the past, I’d never felt that way about anyone. Not that I was involved with anyone as seriously as I was with you. Not even close. But if that had happened, if I’d been a day late with anyone else? I would have freaked out. HUGE! Like, Piper would have been running around the city buying every test possible for me. That kind of freakout. But you’re not just anyone, Winston, not to me.” His hands tangled deeper in my hair, his grip tightening before he pulled me in closer.

“I’m so damn sorry,” he rasped. “Really fucking sorry. Every day, staying away, leaving you be like you asked…. was impossible. It’s why I sat outside your office and house. It hurt too much to be away from you. I’d pick up my phone and...” His voice drifted off to nothing, and my body relaxed further into his. I knew exactly how that felt.

“I missed you, too,” I shared. His thumb stroked my cheek.

“Would you…” His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “Do you think you could give this stupid old man another chance?”

“I don’t see an old man,” I whispered.

“I’m forty, pretty girl. You got any idea what that means?”

“That you’re aging like fine wine?” I winked, but he shook his head.

“I’m a middle-aged man, Allie. You deserve someone your age. Someone you can grow old with and––“ I pressed my fingers over his lips again, and even though he nipped at them, he let me speak.

“I. Want. You.” I enunciated each word. “In case that wasn’t clear enough, I will give you another chance. I want to grow older with you.”

“Baby.” The relief reflected in his gaze made everything inside of me turn all warm and gooey.

“We can do anything we want. Kids, no kids, new businesses, adventures? Anything is possible. It’s not one or the other, Win.”

“I know that,” he groaned. “But… kids could make it more complicated. Make things take longer to accomplish?—”

“And that’s okay.” I smiled softly. “As long as we talk and share and are on the same page with each other. I want those things. I mean, anything could set a complication to any plans. That’s life, right? I could get hit by a car––“

“Jesus, don’t say that!”

“But it’s true. Anything can happen. Life isn’t always in our control. But as long as we talk things out and are on the same page about what we want and how we feel… who cares? Do you think you can do that? That you can––”

“Yes,” He cut me off, leaning his forehead against mine, still nodding. “Yes. I can. I promise, baby girl. I promise I’ll make this last month up to you.”

“You don’t have to—” My hand rose to cup his handsome face. I smiled at the scruff against my palm. It was longer than anything I’d felt on him before. I kinda liked it. A lot.

“I do,” he cut in, and I relaxed even more in his arms. “This last month was hell. Not having you to hold.” His hands fell from my face and wrapped around my waist, then stroked the small of my back. “To kiss. To love.” My lips twitched. Win was usually so stoic, and for the most part, it was in his eyes and actions that let you know how he felt. But there were moments when Winston Nash could be a seriously sweet smooth-talker.

“I love you, Alaska Villanueva. I haven’t said it to you before because I was always stupidly waiting for the perfect moment.”

“Baby—“

“But there is no such thing.” He shrugged. “When things happen, when the moment moves us, that’s the perfect moment. Okay?”

“Okay.” I laughed, softly playing with his hair. “I missed you holding me, too.” His hold on me tightened. “I missed kissing you, too.”

“Tell me I can, please. I won’t do anything you don’t want, princess, I mean Alas?— “

“You had it right first,” I cut in with a soft smile on my lips. “I’m your princess.” I willingly gave him so much more of myself. “I’m your princess, and you’re my daddy,” I admitted. Because if we were going to do this, if we were really going to try and give this thing a second chance? I needed to be in it completely. Just like I had a feeling he would be.

“Fuck yeah, I am,” he growled. I started to giggle, but the sounds were muffled when his lips crashed against mine. Sealing the promise of a future so bright and beautiful, my eyes prickled with unshed tears.