Chapter Seventeen

Robbie used to change Adam into his nightclothes and tuck him into his bed after warming it with a warming pan. She used to sing to him every night, almost always the song about the wee boy as small as a thistle. He’d not asked that of her since returning from Harrow. He prepared himself for bed, tucked himself in, and laid down to sleep without music or hugs or the slew of questions he used to ask.

Mothers must experience this as well: their children growing up, and being left trying to determine what their changing role is.

Robbie pulled the door closed as she stepped out into the corridor. Howard was waiting there. She’d not even needed to ask him to.

He took her hand and kissed it, very much the way a gallant gentleman would with the hand of a fine lady.

“Do you have to rush out, or can you jaw with me a spell?” Robbie asked.

“I’ve all the time in the world for you.” He often said tender things like that. She loved that about him.

They wandered a bit down the corridor, farther from the room where Adam would soon be asleep.

“A few days ago,” Robbie said, “Lady Jonquil wrote to the Duchess of Kielder asking that Adam visit them during every term break he is able to do so. The castle is a lonely place for him. Here, at Brier Hill, he is more than merely welcomed; he’s...” She searched about for the right word.

“Family,” Howard supplied. “I’ve seen that myself.”

“A response from the duchess arrived today.”

They stopped walking, and Howard, without hesitation, set his arms around her.

“She did agree that Adam could come visit Lord and Lady Jonquil,” Robbie said.

“Why does that not sound like the good news it ought to be?”

Every inch of her felt heavy and tired. “She pushed back at the idea of him coming here on every term break or even on most of them. She insists he needs to spend time at Falstone Castle so he doesn’t grow distant from it and the responsibilities he has there. She says the people there and those he will oversee when he is of age need to know him and be known to him.”

Howard’s expression was hesitant, as was his tone when he spoke. “I don’t think Her Grace is entirely wrong on that score.”

Robbie nodded. “I know. But it breaks my heart that Adam is, once again, being sacrificed for the sake of the title he inherited far too young.”

Howard kissed her temple, softly and tenderly.

“The duchess also said she would be looking to hire a governess,” Robbie said.

“Oh, dearest.” No matter that this wasn’t a surprise, Howard seemed to realize that the inarguable proof of her time at Falstone Castle coming to a close had dealt her a blow.

“Lady Jonquil will write back and offer to help with the search. She hopes that, in light of the duchess’s indifferent approach to Adam and the running of the castle, the duchess might allow Lady Jonquil to choose a governess. Then she can find someone who’ll understand Adam and be kind to him, someone who’ll bring him to Brier Hill as often as his mother will allow.”

“That doesn’t address your situation though,” Howard said. “Even the kindest of governesses will not be you . That will be difficult for you and your little duke.”

“I’ll be so far away from him.”

“Not if you accept Lord and Lady Jonquil’s offer to be a nursemaid for their coming arrival,” Howard said. “You’d be a day’s journey from Falstone Forest. You’d be here whenever he was permitted to visit. You’d still see him.”

She looked up into those beloved eyes, her heart breaking anew. “But I wouldn’t see you. You can’t stay here.”

He brushed his thumb over her cheek. “I do have to go where I find work. That requires me to travel.”

“I know.” She lowered her gaze, her heart too heavy for meeting his eyes any longer.

“How long do you suspect Adam will need you to be nearby while the ground beneath him solidifies?”

She hadn’t thought of it in quite that way. Over time, Adam would grow more independent. He would be used to living at Harrow and traveling back at term breaks. He would adjust to his new governess. While he would never stop mourning the death of his father, that loss would, with time, be less new and less fresh.

“I’m nae certain how long he’ll need,” she said. “He might prove more adaptable than he seems now. He might, on the other hand, need a year or two.”

Howard kissed her lightly on the lips. “I have told you before that I am patient. I’m in earnest, Robbie. If we need to wait two years while your precious Adam gains his footing and while your heart is reassured of his well-being, then I can wait. To be with you, I can wait as long as is required.”

She wrapped her arms around him. “I wish we didn’t have to.”

“So do I, Robbie. So do I.”

***

Adam stood in the doorway of his bedchamber, a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings twisting him about. He understood most of what Nurse Robbie and Mr. Simpkin were saying, but he couldn’t entirely make sense of it. He needed help sorting it all.

Careful to be very quiet, he slipped down the corridor in the opposite direction of Nurse Robbie and directly to Lady Jonquil’s bedchamber. He wasn’t certain she would be in there. Eight-year-old boys, after all, went to bed much earlier than grown-up ladies.

Relief wrapped around his heart when he saw her sitting on her bed and reading a book. He tiptoed closer, unsure how to begin. He knew she wouldn’t be upset to see him—she never was—but she might not approve of him eavesdropping on Nurse Robbie’s conversation.

“Lady Jonquil?” He didn’t like when the words he said came out small. He was already too little for everything he was supposed to do—be a duke, look after the castle, go to school— sounding too little only meant people would laugh at him more.

She looked over at him. Lady Jonquil always smiled when she saw him. He liked that. “Adam. I thought you would be in bed already.”

“I was,” he admitted. “But I heard something that confused me. And worried me. And I needed to... I wanted to ask you about it.”

She patted the bed beside her. “Climb up, sweeting, and tell me what you heard.”

He didn’t hesitate. His long nightshirt gave him a bit of trouble, but he managed to position himself right next to her.

Lady Jonquil set her book aside and turned so she was facing him. “What was it you heard?”

“Nurse Robbie said to Mr. Simpkin that she won’t be my nurse anymore.”

“With you not living at the castle all the time any longer and you being eight years old now, with no younger children there for her to look after, she would have nothing to do.”

He didn’t like that explanation. “She said my mother said I’m to have a governess.”

Lady Jonquil nodded. “That is usually what happens next.”

“Why could not Nurse Robbie be my governess? It is ridiculous that she shouldn’t be. One ought not do things that are ridiculous.”

“Nurse Robbie is a nursemaid. It is what she is trained to do. Being a governess is not the same.”

“She said you are going to ask my mother if you can select a governess for me.”

Lady Jonquil brushed one of his hairs away from his eye. “I want to make certain whoever is chosen is wonderful to you.”

It seemed he was to have a governess whether he liked it or not. “And did you really ask Nurse Robbie if she would be a nursemaid for your little baby that will be at Brier Hill this year?”

“I did.”

“And did my mother really say I could come visit you here sometimes?”

“She did.”

He rubbed quickly at his eyes, trying to stop the burning he felt there. “And if Nurse Robbie was here, then I would see her when I visited.”

“Yes, you would.”

“But she wouldn’t get to see Mr. Simpkin?”

“He has to travel about to build his gardens. He couldn’t stay here with her.”

Adam dropped his gaze to his hands clasped on his lap. “She said she would be very sad when they weren’t together.”

“She loves him, Adam. Being away from a loved one makes a person sad.”

He blinked a few times. “Do you think my mother is sad? I’m away from her.”

“I think she is very sad.” Lady Jonquil’s arm wrapped around him, and she pulled him up beside her. “Your mother loves you, though she doesn’t quite seem to know how to show you.”

“She makes me go away to the boardinghouse, and she won’t come live at the castle, and she says I can’t live here with you, and she is making Nurse Robbie go away.” His throat hurt with the tears he held back. “All those things make me hurt in my heart. A person oughtn’t to make someone she loves hurt in his heart.”

“You’re right. And I wish I could make all of that hurt go away.”

He tucked his head against her, too nervous to look at her as he asked the question weighing heavily on his mind. “Do you love me?”

“I do, so very much. You are family to me, Adam. You always will be.”

That was some comfort, though his heart still hurt. “I wish, sometimes, that you were my mother.”

“Well, I can be an honorary mother to you. Lord Jonquil’s mother is like a mother to me.”

“Do you have to call her Lady Lampton?” That didn’t seem like a name for a mother.

“I call her Mother Jonquil,” she said. “And she calls me Julia.”

A surge of excitement pulled his head up. “I could call you Mother Julia.”

She squeezed his shoulders. “Oh, I would love that.”

He smiled almost without trying. “I would love that too.”

“And when I write you letters, I will address them to My Brave Adam because you are the bravest boy I have ever met.”

He didn’t feel very brave. Nurse Robbie wasn’t going to be his nursemaid any longer, and that frightened him. She had always been at the castle. She had always looked after him. When he hadn’t felt loved or welcome or wanted, she had promised him he was. When she wasn’t there, he wasn’t certain he would ever feel safe again. Especially if he wasn’t to live at Brier Hill with Mother Julia and Lord Jonquil.

“I cannot call Lord Jonquil Lord Jonquil if you are Mother Julia.” Would that mean she wouldn’t let him? “What should I call him?”

“The next time you are with him, ask. I am certain the two of you will sort out something you both like.”

That was true. Lord Jonquil was very clever, and he had said Adam was as well. With that difficulty sorted, Adam’s mind turned back once more to the question he grappled with most.

“If Nurse Robbie works here, I would get to see her?”

“Yes. Every time you visited.”

“And if she married Mr. Simpkin and traveled with him to build his gardens, I wouldn’t see her very often?”

“Likely not.”

Again, the tears he tried to hold back pushed to the surface. “But if she couldn’t be with Mr. Simpkin, she would be sad.”

In a quiet and soft voice, one that told him Mother Julia understood what he was realizing and knew that it made him ache inside, she said, “I think she would hurt in her heart.”

A person oughtn’t to make someone he loves hurt in her heart.

“May I stay here while I think about this?” he asked.

Mother Julia pulled the blanket from the foot of her bed. “Lie on the pillow, sweeting. You can lie here and rest. Sleep all night long if you need to. I’ll be here to watch over you.”

He shifted so he could lay his head on the pillow. She set the blanket over him and tucked him in, as Nurse Robbie used to do before he went to school and became too old for that.

Nurse Robbie needed to go with Mr. Simpkin. He knew she did. But thinking of her going away made him want to cry. Dukes weren’t supposed to cry.

Mother Julia brushed her hand over his hair, tenderly stroking it. She hummed a song, though he didn’t know what it was. He felt safe with her. That seldom happened.

So he let himself do something he almost never did.

He cried.