33. “I don’t know if I can do this, survive this time…”

Chapter 33

"I don't know if I can do this, survive this time…"

ZENYA

"Shattered" by Trading Yesterday

"Would Anyone Care?" by Citizen Soldier

"Creeping in My Soul" by Cryoshell

"Frozen" by Within Temptation

"Carry You" by Ruelle

"Fall For Me" by Sleep Token

"Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade

"A Reason to Fight" by Disturbed

"Whispers in the Dark" by Skillet

"The End is Where We Begin" by Thousand Foot Krutch

T oo much destruction. Too much death.

Infinite darkness mesmerizes me, luring me to forget all the horrors I've relived, ones that have haunted me forever. This relentless, unstoppable tide of pain and terror.

The darkness creeps closer, taking on the form of a silhouetted phantom. Tired. So very tired. Tired of beating myself against the mountain, knowing it will never move. Tired of feeling the scars beneath my tattoos. Tired of escaping into adrenaline rushes.

My body feels heavy as if the weight of my past is pulling me into the void, urging me to forget. My lungs burn, my breaths escaping in ghostly tatters. Dread suffocates me, wrapping icy claws around my heart.

Freak. Cursed. Devil's spawn. Worthless cum dump. Psycho's little bitch. Abomination.

The mere chip of the iceberg of names they called me, the resurrection of the things they did to me are enough to crush me.

"Come to me, child…"

The Abyss. The silhouette shifts. It's the Abyss. The very heart of the Abyss whispers to me, its voice a seductive murmur that promises an end to my suffering. I freeze, locked in a state of tantalizing paralysis.

"Come, and you will never again remember anything, neither good nor ill," it vows. "You will have no death, no life, no afterlife. Your energy will feed me, and I will resurrect you into a new form. Do not jump, little soul, if it is too much. All you need to do is fall…fall into me, fall for me."

Fall for me.

The temptation overwhelms me. My heart aches for the peace of nothingness, a release from my torment. I teeter on the brink, the void beckoning me with its promise of oblivion.

Let me fall for you. The voice cracks through the dark haze of my thoughts.

I turn to the new voice. It feels closer, brushing up against my heart…and soul. "What?"

Let me fall for you .

Nyxion manifests before me, his gaze unwavering and filled with a depth of emotion I have never seen. I will fall for you, Zenya. If you choose this, I will follow…and fall for you, fall with you. I will surrender myself to the Abyss and pray that it consumes our souls and fuses them for eternity so I will forever fall and follow. Because…I love you. For eternity.

"Oooh, yes, let me devour all those delicious nightmares, Phobetor, Epiales, and grandson of Nyx!" The Abyss responded, its voice dripping with hunger.

My heart thunders. My emotions tangle in a web of fear, confusion, and longing. Not quite defeat, though shreds of it cut through me like razor blades.

I gaze at Nyxion—his black eyes gleaming with need and passion, his wings a tattered and torn wreck, seeing his raw vulnerability, the unconditional devotion etched into his features. I gasp for breath, my lungs on the verge of collapsing—my body on the precipice of simply falling…

My mind storms with conflicting thoughts, warring between the Abyss's promise of peace and Nyxion's pledge of eternal love.

The God of Nightmares takes a deep breath, closes the distance between us, and takes my face in his hands, tipping his brow to mine.

When the fear manifests, Zenya, you must choose whether it's the moment to show it your teeth and claws…little killer. Or if you must give it something else. Face your past, confront your demons, and emerge stronger, he urges me, piercing my weak conviction. Let the pain in. And give it back tenfold.

My hands tremble, breaths shallow and rapid. I feel the Abyss pulling at me, its cold tendrils wrapping around my soul, hungering, thirsting for me.

But a new presence penetrates the darkness of my mind, a lifeline pulling me back from the brink. A shield bearing me, hauling me back more powerfully than Nyxion ever could.

It is your choice, Zenya, Eclipse tells me in the silent sanctuary of my mind, our mind. If the Void is what you desire, I understand. But know this:

If you fall now, you will not see the moment of our rising .

What rising? I spit out my aggravation. I blacked out and only woke up in the hospital. Some random hiker found me and brought me there. I healed and never looked back.

If there is one thing more powerful than your surrender, my Zenya, let it be your curiosity . And your love .

Love? I shiver.

She pulls me into the fog of that great blanket fort, and I see them—all of them. Oh, god! Entities I have not yet discovered, flickering shadows of strength and resilience, each with their own story, their own pain, their own light.

More and more emerge from the shadows, revealing a kaleidoscope of faces, emotions, and fragments of memories.

One stands tall and fierce, a warrior with scars and a battle-worn gaze. Another is a child, clutching a necklace of bones, eyes wide with fear and wonder. There's a calm presence, a healer with hands that glow softly, offering solace. There is Monroe and Linny and Ginny.

They surround me, these fragmented souls, bound to me, ones I have never known. Each is a piece of the puzzle, a facet of my shattered soul. They are my strength, my inner children, my angels, my demons, my heart, my humor, my aggressors, my guides. And one protective force who embodies a shield.

Eclipse's voice echoes softly, These are the parts of you that have fought to survive, the parts that hold the keys to your resilience. Meet them, learn from them, and rise, Zenya. Rise from the ashes of your past, and reclaim your power.

As I stand within the manifestations of my alters, something stirs within me. A flicker of hope, a spark of determination. I am not alone. I am a tapestry of strength, woven from the threads of my own survival.

"I don't know if I can do this, survive this time…" I whisper, my voice barely audible. Maybe it's better for me, for all of them if I?—

— You won't have to do it alone, Nyxion assures me, his skeletal hand closing around mine, and I gasp at the sensation of broken bones. He didn't heal them. Let me fall for you, Zenya. I will face this trial with you. I will face any trial for you. Let me fall for you…fall in love with you again and again.

I open my eyes, meeting his gaze.

The Abyss still whispers, but its voice is fainter now, drowned out by the strength of Nyxion's love and determination. And Eclipse's shield.

I step back from the edge, my grip on his hand tightening as I make my choice.

I choose us, I profess first to Eclipse and the others.

"I choose you ," I say to Nyxion, my voice and resolve growing stronger with each word. "You and Morpheus and Hecate…"—the two have finally arrived after I've surrender to Nyxion and the rebirth of our relationship.

I turn my fucking back on the Abyss.

And proclaim, "I choose to fight, to let the pain in, to bleed, and face my demons."

Nyxion's eyes shine with pride and relief. And I will be by your side. You may break my bones," —oh gods, with a violent yank, he rips out his rib cage. He tears it apart. Each bone snaps with an echoing crack, fracturing something deep inside me. He snaps the strings of his heart and offers the still-beating organ to me—, " and take my heart.

The Abyss roars in a screaming silence, but I no longer hear its call.

Horror and fascination overcome me at the fraying, torn strings of sinew and muscle around the beating organ.

Morpheus and Hecate don't move, suspended in the awe of this moment as I am.

My breath seizes, my emotions a storm of confusion from my conflicting feelings for him, anger from how he used me—but ultimately something deeper, something more tender. And atoning.

I hesitate before reaching out with trembling fingers to take his heart. The weight of it is both physical and symbolic, its warmth seeping into my skin, the blood trickling down my wrist in crimson rivulets.

I stare down at him, almost not fathoming how I hold his heart in my hands—feeling its rhythmic pulse, the life force of the one who has caused me so much pain—and yet so much vulnerability and awakening. I remember the night I pushed those bone needles from my skin—how freeing it was. Like I was shedding my vulnerabilities, surrendering, letting go. Like I shed all my mental blocks so I could do more than play with the darkness.

Instead, I showed it my teeth.

Then, I cracked the animalistic mask. Oh, god, how many times I'd felt like a fucking animal. No better than the monster who birthed me. I turn away and purse my lips, remembering the night I cracked the skull.

But Nyxion—oh, Nyxion!—he gave me the ability to face my darkest fears, expel them, and crack the faux mask I felt had sealed over my fucking face! Then, the night on the burial ground with the dead rising.

Every—goddamn—grave—my—father—forced—me—to—dig!

The many dozens of corpses I could never memorize—whom I let fade into the weight of each grave. How many times I wished I could be buried alive with them.

Nyxion knew my subconscious fears. As hard as I tried to fight him, fight them , he allowed me to find peace with them and overcome them. I grew bones and skin into countless trees, turning the macabre of those graves into something beautiful!

The Spirit Woods of skin and bones.

Maybe they are not visceral here when I dream-weaved them into being. But I'd like to think they can be turned upside down…and made real. Through Death and Destruction if need be.

Some would call Nyxion a monster.

But not all monsters are evil.

And perhaps the evil monsters may…redeem themselves.

So, I turn to stand before him in raw vulnerability, knowing the power I hold, the ability to crush his heart between my fingers. I could exact my revenge and reshape him entirely.

But as I gaze into that heart and find the vision of that first moment when I crashed into him, the moment I followed him, the time I cracked the mask, and fell for him—that time with the corpses…everything!—I know now it's not vengeance that I seek.

Strength does not come from breaking him but from healing, from forgiveness.

With tender determination, I step closer, my gaze not faltering. Taking a deep breath, I place his heart back into the cavity of his chest, feeling the warmth and life return to its rightful place. We form an eternal bond born of this moment.

My hands move with unconditional purpose, weaving new strings like delicate stitches, binding his heart until it's as strong as the nightmares he wove on my behalf. I mold a new rib cage, the bones forming a protective barrier once again, stronger and more resilient than ever.

As I work, hot tears stream down my face, each drop a testament to this emotional depth. I don't need to punish him to find my strength. I don't need his heart to fuel my power. It's inborn. And empowered through the most monstrous and horror of darkness.

Instead, I choose to heal, to mend the broken pieces, and to create something whole and beautiful.

Done. I step back, my hands covered in his blood—but my heart is lighter than ever.

Nyxion looks down at his restored chest, then back at me, his eyes filled with awe and gratitude for my power to heal and forgive.

I notice Death standing nearby, controlling the army of reavers, keeping them at bay.

I mark him. I stare down Death itself. And with a smile, I whisper into the dark stillness, "Let them come."

He lowers his hand.

ECLIPSE!

She rises, fronts, and dons her shields. Oh, gods! Through the thin veil and with the tingling of feeling in my limbs, I watch and feel as she weaves impenetrable and indomitable shields of such great power, the reavers shatter upon every last one!

She defends me, protects me.

And like a hail of arrows, Eclipse withstands their barrage. She is more than a shield. She is a fortress, her resolve…unbreakable. As each reaver falls, I feel the strength of my alters, the unity within me, bolstering my spirit.

Eclipse stands tall, her eyes burning with ferocity. The battlefield is silent, save for the heavy breaths of the defeated. She turns to me, a silent acknowledgment passing between us. I am not alone.

With a final, resolute look at Death, Eclipse steps back, allowing me to stand at the forefront. In my utter symptom of humanity, I face Death, feeling the power within me, the collective strength of my alters, and the unyielding support of those who stand by my side.

I am ready for whatever comes next, knowing that I have faced the Abyss and emerged stronger—fragmented—but more whole than ever.

Death gives a salute and vanishes into the darkness. I smile softly, admiring him, and appreciating how he held back the reavers. Ultimately, I sense he belongs to someone else beyond the Spirit Woods I created.

Now, it is time to return and journey back to the other dark woods that held me captive.

I grip the pouch of sand and the bone needle anchored at my side, and I don't stop until I've cut through the ropes binding my past self…

…and see her fall to her knees…