Chapter Nineteen

"I need to speak with you, Liam." Penelope had been trying to have a private conversation with her brother all afternoon, but he had proven impossible to pull aside. She wanted to talk to him about her decision to remain in Yorkshire before he heard about it from the others.

It had been only that morning that he had told her of their impending departure. So much had happened. So much had changed.

Liam stepped into her guest chamber, she having come upon him in the corridor, and motioned for her to say what she wanted to say.

"I have given thought to your plans to return to Ireland in two days' time," she said, "and I'm choosing to remain in England." Liam blinked a few times, his mouth turning downward. She pressed onward. "Fairfield is in England, and 'tis well past time I began establishing myself in this country."

"There are arrangements that must be made before you can live and travel in a country without your brother's presence to lend propriety to the situation."

"I have taken that into consideration," she said. "I am to act as Mrs. Barrington's lady's companion."

Liam looked undeniably confused. "How is being a lady's companion in another household meant to aid you in establishing yourself at Fairfield?"

His was a point well made, though she didn't mean to let it deter her. "As you said, there are arrangements that must be made. While I am deciding how I mean to set up my household at Fairfield, I will have a pleasant and proper situation without having to make the return journey to Ireland."

"Ireland is your home," he objected.

"Fairfield was always meant to be my home. I can't finish my preparations for living there from so far away."

He didn't appear the least convinced. "We have managed it thus far."

"Receiving quarterly reports on the property is not at all the same as preparing it to become a home and a functioning estate." She didn't mention her plans to make it a profitable horse property. The one time she'd hinted at that intended venture had resulted in a somewhat heated argument between them. Now was not the time to revisit the topic.

"This is an inexcusably impulsive decision." He moved as if to leave the room.

"We have always known I would make this move from Ireland to England," Penelope said, blocking his departure. "Until Mr. Greenberry's change of plans, I assumed the move would be made as part of the life adjustment of getting married. The order of things is simply being changed now."

"Simply?" He repeated the word. "A single lady cannot simply uproot and relocate at will without repercussions."

"Thus, my decision to begin the relocation to England with a temporary tenure as a lady's companion. There is nothing objectionable about that. I'll not be frowned on nor seen as bucking the conventions. And you have said yourself that this group of ladies and gentlemen are of the highest standing in Society. This arrangement will not be detrimental to my acceptance in England. It would actually elevate my standing."

But Liam shook his head all the more fervently. "You should not have imposed this arrangement on them. We aren't—"

"It was not my idea, and I didn't suggest it. The ladies do not wish for me to have to leave, and the gentlemen are pleased that I won't have to depart. I didn't impose myself on anyone."

He blinked a few times. "They want you to stay?"

Why should that surprise him so much? She wasn't in demand in Dublin society, but neither was she an outcast. "We've become friends."

His mouth twisted a little. "The gentlemen all went to Hamblestead today."

"I know."

"I wasn't included." A flash of embarrassment pulled at his expression. "I am never included in any of their excursions or even conversations outside of the evening entertainment."

"They have been friends their whole lives," Penelope said. "That is a brotherhood one doesn't join very easily."

Liam shook his head. "I wasn't expecting that. I had thought I'd made some progress toward being someone they at least acknowledged. Obviously, I was wrong."

She knew how it felt to be rejected. Her heart ached for him.

"We haven't been here very long. If you were to change your mind about leaving the day after tomorrow, you might make more headway."

Annoyance pushed much of the embarrassment out of his eyes. "You are already being invited to make your home with the Barringtons. But with more time and effort, I might have some hope of not being forgotten the moment I am out of sight?"

"That isn't what I was saying."

"It is." His mouth tightened. His entire demeanor dripped with irritation. "And it is always what you are thinking."

She couldn't even begin to make sense of that.

"If I tried a little harder, my estate could be more profitable again. If I had put in more effort, I could have found my footing in London. If I just put in the effort, I could find any number of gentlemen who would accept what you demanded in a potential husband." It wasn't mere annoyance in his eyes now; he was angry again. "If I made the journey to Yorkshire, the marriage arrangement I worked so hard on wouldn't come to naught. And now, if I will only endeavor to be patient, these exalted people who have already embraced you might minutely accept me."

Penelope couldn't manage a response. She'd not anticipated this at all.

"I have my own estate, acceptance in Dublin society, an English education, a sufficient income." He shook his head with tense movements. "But you continually manage to make me look and feel like a failure."

"I have never thought of you that way."

He looked away. "You treat me that way. You have for far too long, and I am not going to bear the brunt of your judgment any longer."

This difference of views was different from anything they'd experienced before. A chill crept down her spine, crawling over her skin like the icy fingers of an unexpected frost.

"It sounds to me like it is for the best that you are leaving," she said. "You'll not have to endure your interpretation of my opinions. Perhaps in time, you will realize that you are wrong about that."

He didn't appear to entertain even the slightest doubt in his judgment of her. If anything, his expression hardened all the more. "I know what it is you want in a husband and a future, and I have always known how slim the chances were of you finding it. But your stubborn refusal to accept that will see you only more deeply disappointed in the end, no matter the fine friends you have made."

"I choose to believe that I will find someone who will accept what I'm hoping for."

"The law is an odd thing, Penelope." He stepped around her and to her door. "You have your estate. Your trustees can see to the legal aspects of running it, sign contracts for you, that sort of thing. But they cannot sign marriage contracts on your behalf." He stepped into the corridor, then tossed back at her, "Only I can do that."

"What are you saying?" She followed him out.

"Marrying without a specific contract means the law applies with its defaults. Without a marriage contract that specifically bars your future husband from ownership of Fairfield, it will be his, legally and entirely. And without me to sign on your behalf, there can be no marriage contract preventing that."

"When the time comes—"

He stiffened his posture and squared his shoulders. "Penelope, you cannot simply say, ‘Go away, Liam, I don't need you' until the day having me around would suddenly be terribly convenient for you, then twitch your finger and expect me to do your bidding."

"You, as you pointed out this morning, are the head of our family now. You cannot simply refuse the responsibilities that come with that."

"Family is more than a collection of people for you to use for your own benefit." Liam quite suddenly sounded very tired. "I keep waiting for you to realize that, but I'm beginning to think you never will."

Use for your own benefit. That was not what was happening between them. He had threatened to not sign a marriage contract should the need arise. He was turning his back on his family member, not the other way around. Yet he was attacking her.

He walked away from her. "Have the Barringtons decide what they mean to do about a lady's maid for you since Gracie is technically in my employ and, I suspect, would like to return to Ireland."

To her dismay, Penelope realized she'd not even thought of the impact of her decision on her abigail.

"I wish you luck, Penelope," he said as the distance between them grew. "Do what you feel you must. I intend to do the same."

Use for your own benefit.

Until the day having me around would suddenly be terribly convenient for you.

Do what you feel you must.

Penelope swallowed down the lump in her throat, pushing back with it a surge of unexpected emotion. She'd spent so much effort attempting to convince herself that she wasn't cruel or dishonest. Maybe her greatest shortcoming was selfishness.

?

Penelope had arrived for the evening meal that night more than a little nervous. She didn't know how Liam would behave or what he might say to her. But he had requested a tray in his room, sending the excuse that he wished to direct his valet in packing his belongings. Though no one in the group said as much, Penelope felt certain they all realized that not only did Liam's valet not need help doing his job, but he also didn't need to begin packing two nights before departure. No one was looking at her with disapproval, so Liam likely hadn't shared with any of them his evaluation of her character.

But he had told her, and that was enough. The passage of hours hadn't lessened the impact of his accusations.

Family is more than a collection of people for you to use for your own benefit. I keep waiting for you to realize that, but I'm beginning to think you never will.

When she'd ridden out on Midnight that morning, it had seemed a perfectly ordinary day. It had proven, instead, exhausting in every way. She'd had to change every plan she had. Moments of worry had mingled with heart-warming friendship. Niles had held her hand more than once, and he seemed to have warmed to her. Liam had torn her to pieces.

She sat in the drawing room among the other guests at Pledwick Manor in a state of self-reflective crisis after supper that night. Again. People for you to use for your own benefit. Were Liam's words of accusation true here as well? Mr. Layton was making room for her in his home because she had imposed upon him. His friends had all arrived to support Niles after he had desperately fled from a match with her that he didn't truly want. Violet was taking Penelope on as a lady's companion despite having no need of one.

People for you to use for your own benefit.

She hadn't intended to be thoughtless. She hadn't even realized she had been, which only seemed to strengthen Liam's argument.

"You are very quiet this evening, Penelope." At some point, Nicolette had sat beside her.

"My brother was not best pleased with my plans to remain," Penelope said. "We had an argument, I'm afraid."

"That is a difficult thing." Nicolette spoke as one who knew. "I managed to part with my brother on relatively good terms, but that was in question for quite some time. Mon Henri , sadly, is not so fortunate. He and his brother do not speak, and their sister is caught in the middle of it all."

"That must be very hard on Mr. Fortier."

Nicolette nodded. " Oui. It is."

Nothing in Penelope's interactions with the Frenchman indicated he was anything but selfless and considerate. Clearly, being at odds with one's family didn't always indicate a person was selfish. But it did sometimes.

Violet moved to sit with them, smiling as she so often did. "Kester and I have decided that we ought to visit Lucas and Julia and their two little boys once they have returned to Brier Hill. Then you will be able to meet his family."

"I would not wish to cause you further inconvenience," Penelope insisted. "I am certain I have already disrupted your plans."

Violet brushed aside that concern. "We live nearer to Julia and Lucas than any of the other Gents, and we visit each other quite often."

At least in this, Penelope wasn't being selfish. But there was no avoiding the new difficulty she needed to acknowledge. "My lady's maid will likely be returning to Ireland. If she does, that will leave me without an abigail. I can send word to my solicitors to authorize the expense of hiring a new maid, but that will take time."

"I am certain Digby has someone on his staff who could fill that role for the remainder of your time here if need be. And we could make the journey back home by way of Newcastle. You would more easily find a lady's maid there than in our tiny corner of the kingdom."

Again, she would be inconveniencing people. Would she have even given that a thought before Liam's lecture? She certainly hoped she would have, but she couldn't be certain.

Her gaze wandered to where Niles sat, a bit apart from the others, his expression pensive. His mind was heavy as well. The letter he had received from his grandfather had dampened his spirits as he'd read it. The impact hadn't seemed to lessen over the hours since.

He had said he would be returning to Cornwall. In that moment, she'd thought of how much she hoped he didn't make that return trip too soon. She wanted more time with him. And she'd not even given a moment's consideration to how selfish that was. If he needed to return home to his family to make amends and heal relationships there, he ought to do so, and she ought to support that because it was what was best for him.

Twitch your finger and expect me to do your bidding. 'Twas another of Liam's descriptions of her behavior that was hitting too close to home. She had made arrangements to stay in England, in part so she could get everything in place to begin her time at Fairfield but also because she hadn't yet given up on the possibility that she and Niles could make a match of things after all.

Her heart had grown tender toward him, and she didn't think he entirely disliked her. She'd made certain she could remain on the assumption that he would stay as well.

So many of the things she had assumed and depended on were crumbling all around her. She needed a surer foundation but hadn't the first idea anymore how to create one.