Chapter 3

Tiffany

Iwake up with my heart feeling lighter. It's been forty-seven days since we landed here in the Afterlife. Forty-seven days of waking up every morning missing Steve.

Today I feel lighter, and I hate it. I don't want to think it means that I'm moving on. I don't want to think that it could mean that I'm finally starting the acceptance part of grief. I've at the very least started to put aside the guilt that I'm the reason we're all here because other than me, everyone else seems to be enjoying themselves.

Every day that we compete to become Queen of the Underworld, I learn more about the gods that run the realms. And every day, I realize that this is my life now, but I will get to see Steve again. Unless he moves on. I want him to do that. I want him to be happy and live a long life with music and children, but I'm bitter that it won't ever be with me.

"Excited about our group date?" Zara asks as she slathers jam on her toast.

I'm looking down at my empty plate, contemplating what I want. The lightness in my heart inspires me to reach for a food craving I've ignored because it hurt too much to think about.

An egg salad sandwich appears on my plate and I smile just a little. I've always enjoyed the sandwiches, but while on a road trip with Steve, we happened upon a small shop that sold them. I got excited, not because I loved them so much, but because they were so rare to stumble upon. I got one for myself, but Steve got me a second one as we were leaving so I could have one later. I wonder if he ever realized I knew he would go out of his way sometimes so we could stop somewhere that had them.

Eventually, my excitement at finding them was genuine. It was always a hunt when we stopped for food somewhere. Was this an actual stop for food or was it a hunt for an egg salad sandwich?

Zara squeezes my knee. "I don't know why you like those things."

"Because they remind me of Steve," I tell her and bite into it.

Zara is quiet for a moment. "I was always jealous of you two. And maybe it's bitchy and sort of rubbing it in your face, and I'm sorry for that, but you were so incredible together."

"We were." I can't help but feel the sadness of the reminder that Steve and I will always be a ‘were' and never an ‘are' again.

It's enough to completely drag my mood down as we get ready for our adventure to the gardens. Each girl was given a color for our rooms and mine is a sunshiny yellow. Seeing it every day made me murderous at first, the color had no right to be so bright and happy, but now I use the color like armor. If I dress in bright colors, no one will see how empty I am inside. The egg yolk yellow sundress I picked today has a full skirt and falls to just above my knees. It's reminiscent of a 1950s housewife, and I can at least fake happiness better.

Daphne is nearly shaking with excitement as we approach the entrance, but something distracts Essos because his head snaps in the direction of the front of the house. Ever since his brother Galen arrived, he's been on edge, but now he's about to jump out of his skin. He runs, rather impressively in a suit, toward the front of the house. I'm slowly following everyone, fine to stick to the back of the pack like usual.

When I see the familiar brown van barreling down the driveway, I want to fall to my knees because the weight of hope is unbearable. The van comes to an abrupt stop just before hitting Essos.

I can't think. I can't breathe.

The world has stopped spinning for me again because Steve steps out of the van, his guitar in his hand.

He looks perfect. His black hair is parted on the side so it sweeps over his forehead. I want nothing more than to be with him. It's like my most desperate desire conjured him and for a worrying moment, the idea that he's not real occurs to me. The house has been able to manifest anything we want down to my favorite hair moisturizer, so why not him, the one thing I have wished for every night when I went to bed?

If he's real, I need to be in his arms. I need to touch him and confirm it for myself. "Steve!" My voice sounds strangled as I start to run toward him, but the stupid God of the Dead stops me, catching me around my waist and tucking me into his side. Maybe I should heed the warning that even this god is concerned, but I can't find it in me to care.

He's here.

He's here.

He's here.

My knees feel weak, and Essos holds me tighter, like he senses that I'm going to hit the floor at any second.

"You can't be here," Essos warns him. If I can't go to him, Steve is going to come to me, and he proves that by taking a step forward. But like it's an awful dance. Essos takes another step back, pulling me with him. "You need to explain yourself before there are any joyful reunions. How did you get here?"

"I got a voicemail from Tiff saying that the accident she was in was just a flat tire, not an accident that killed everyone on board." Essos looks livid, his ears turning red as Steve continues. "So, I drove to the spot where she died. For days and days, I drove there, right up to the edge of the cliff. I blocked traffic and had the cops called on me a few times as I parked there, just staring at the horizon line. Today, as the sun started to set, I saw this weird light. The sky flashed, and I floored it and drove right at it, but my car didn't plunge off the side—there was a roadway. I thought I went blind, and the next thing I knew, I was barreling down this road and almost hit you." Steve lets out a big breath. "You need to let me see her." He sounds as desperate as I feel, and he makes another move toward me.

"You can see her from where you are. Everyone inside—now, please," Essos orders.

Since he's not going to let us touch, I soak in the sight of Steve. He looks awful. His hair is much too long and unkempt, he has bags for the bags under his eyes, and a faint stubble marks his jawline.

I feel slender arms wrap around me as Essos pulls away from me, but I don't look to witness the tradeoff. I want to take solace in my best friend, but I'm too on edge to even register the words Zara is muttering to me. I don't want to look away from Steve.

Essos gestures Steve forward and Steve moves, taking a few awkward steps, looking over his shoulder at me over and over again until he just tries walking backward, almost tripping over a small step up toward the house. Eventually we make it inside, but not even the grandeur of the home can make Steve take his gaze off me.

I hear the muffled sounds of voices, but they're drowned out as the mantra chants in my head: He's here, he's here, he's here.

The second Essos ushers Steve ahead of him down a flight of stairs, I let go of Zara and rush to follow as closely as I can. We've never been to this part of the mansion and I don't care. Steve is here.

Then it occurs to me that if he's here, he might be dead, and my knees go weak all over again. I want to be with him, but not at the cost of his life. He deserves a full life, and while I'm absolutely overjoyed to see him again, there is no way that him being here can be good. I stay hot on Steve and Essos's heels as I follow them down a long, winding stairwell.

I should be observing my surroundings and taking in what are probably awe-inspiring furnishings but I just don't care.

Steve is here.

In the Underworld.

For me.

The energy of the room is oppressive enough for it to be clear that this is where Essos conducts most of his business. A brief glance around gives me just enough detail. Walls that are endlessly black making it feel like the space is too vast, too open. It's unsettling to say the least. A glance at the ceiling reveals a chandelier with candles in place of lightbulbs. It's giving a gothic vibe with two thrones sitting on a slightly raised dais. It's a space befitting the King of the Underworld, and I'm hardly surprised.

Essos takes his seat on his throne, sparing a glance at the empty seat beside him. The thrones are large and solid and seem to have grown out of the same obsidian slab as the floor.

Essos gestures for Cat, Daphne, Zara, and I to stand behind him, off to the side behind the empty throne. I stand as far forward as Essos will allow, even if it keeps me separated from my friends. There's too much of a gap between me and Steve. I still don't know his fate, if he's dead or alive. I'm hoping it's the latter and if Essos has to send him back to the mortal realm, he will at least let me hug him one last time.

The door closes behind Sybil and Galen before they move to stand behind Steve. The three dogs sit themselves in front of the door, preventing anyone from leaving. I don't know what to make of the whole situation but I'm ready to start screaming. There's too much pressure, too much anxiety while we wait for Essos to decide what comes next.

Steve must be just as tired of waiting, because he makes the first move when he pulls his guitar out from behind him. I always teased him about it because he brought the instrument with him to school with every intention of learning how to play better with the hope of picking up chicks. Then he met me, and whenever the guitar made an appearance from his closet, I would ask when he planned to serenade me. He always laughed it off with promises of someday.

He's awful at playing but what he lacks in skill, he makes up for with a beautiful voice. His hands are shaking as he starts to sing a haunting song about us that causes goosebumps along my neck. It's the most amazing thing I've heard in my life. Each note fills my soul more and more to bursting with love for the man in front of me.

Steve's eyes are closed as he focuses on the music and the words, the words that make tears fall from my eyes as he sings about missing me and loving me and what he will do to love me for eternity. He sings about the future he wanted us to have and how he still dreams about what that future could look like when I accept his proposal.

Steve stops playing abruptly, dropping to one knee, and I can see that he also has tears on his face. I need to go to him to soothe the pain he's feeling, even if only temporarily before Essos returns him. I don't know what this is meant to be, a gift or a curse, to know what pain my absence is causing, but if I can soothe Steve's pain in any way, I will.

It's an unconscious thought to go to him, but Essos gets off his throne to step in my way before I can make it to the edge of the dais. I want to snarl as he places his hands on my shoulders. I know he has the ability to calm emotions, he used it the night he told us that we all died in the bus crash, so I'm grateful that he's choosing not to exercise that gift now.

Two sets of arms wrap around my waist, sandwiching me between long, black hair and a curly-haired blonde. Zara and Cat.

If they think I won't throw a punch to get to Steve, they're wrong.

Essos fixes his attention on Steve. "What exactly are you asking?" he demands.

Steve rises and walks toward Essos. "I thought that was obvious. I want her to marry me."

I start to struggle against Zara and Cat to get to him. "I love you, baby!" It's the first thing I've managed to say besides his name. I get free of Zara and Cat, and I have to give them credit, they make it look good, but they both loosen their holds on me the moment I tug on their grip.

I'm one, two, steps down the raised dais, running toward Steve when Essos grabs my wrist. I throw my full weight into tugging on my arm to get to the love of my life, digging my nails into the god's hand. He doesn't even flinch.

"ENOUGH," Essos booms, his gaze swinging from me to Steve and back again. After a deep, calming breath, Essos pushes on. "Yes, I understood that much. However, she is no longer part of the land of the living the way that you are. How do you plan to carry forward with this request?"

"I want you to give her back." Steve squares his shoulders and puffs out his chest. He looks like he's ready to fight Essos for me, as if a physical altercation will do the trick. His hands even tighten into fists and he raises them slightly so they're around his midsection. My boyfriend, the pacifist, is willing to throw down with the King of the Dead for me, and if I didn't already love him before that, this would certainly do the trick. In the back of the room, all three dogs start to growl. Essos gives me one last long look before holding his hand out for mine so he can tug me toward him on the main floor.

I take a flying leap off the bottom step right into Steve's arms and he staggers back as he holds me to him.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," he whispers over and over into my neck.

I'm dying to kiss him, but the intimacy of just being held by him when I thought I was never going to get this has a sob retching from my chest. This only causes him to hold me tighter and kiss my neck between each proclamation of love, which is a different kind of proclamation.

He is here.

He is real.

He is holding me.

"How?" I whisper, kissing his neck, tasting the salt of the ocean on him.

"I'm not going to question it, bumblebee. I'm going to hold you and kiss you and do what I have to in order to stay with you."

"You can't. I want you to live your life. I want you to have everything in the world."

"The only thing I want in this world is you. I want to be able to come home from my stuffy lawyer job to find you working on your newest design. I want to spend the next eighty years listening to you ask me when I'm going to serenade you. I want to buy you all the egg salad sandwiches I can get my hands on."

I open my mouth to speak, to tell him I'll do anything he wants, but Essos speaks first. I'm ready to fight with Essos to send Steve back, even if it means I'm stuck here waiting for an afterlife with him.

"Very well. Under one condition." Essos's voice is soft and quiet when he says this.

I step away from Steve, looking at the god, my mouth gaping in shock. My eyes are brimming with tears as every grateful word in my head gets stuck between my brain and my mouth.

Essos speaks directly to Steve. "You will leave, and she will follow you, but you cannot touch her or look upon her until you are back in the mortal world. If you do, I will reclaim her, and she will pass forward into her afterlife. There will be no second chance. Am I understood?"

I look at Steve, a silent question in my eyes. Is he sure this is what he wants?

What I find in my boyfriend's gaze is surety, steadiness. His eyes are bright with delight, and he actually punches the air in glee.

"Yes. Perfectly. There is no limit to how far I would go for her. Can I hold her until we get to the driveway?" Steve asks.

"No, you may only embrace now. After that, you will have to trust that I am upholding my end of the bargain," Essos says.

I jump into Steve's arms again, wrapping my legs around his waist as he hoists me up. Fear trickles in that this could be the last time I embrace him until he joins the Afterlife. I never want this hug to end because it could be the last goodbye we get.

Both of his hands grip my ass to hold me steady. Because that is what Steve has always been for me. My rock in the storm. My safe harbor.

Essos clears his throat and I know this is it.

"I love you," I tell him, cupping his face. I should kiss him now, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'll kiss him again when we're on the other side of this. "I believe in you," I tell him, knowing that it will bolster him as he steps into the unknown.

Sybil approaches and gives me a sad smile. They cup my cheek before grabbing on to Steve's arm and leading him out of the room.

Once they're gone, Essos leans forward in his seat and turns his attention to me. "You are under no obligation to go if you don't want to, but know that if you decide to go, you will not remember any of this and neither will Steve. It will be as if you were not on the bus at all. So, I have to ask, is it your decision to leave?"

"Yes," I blurt out. There is no hesitation. I don't want to forget the magic of this place or having all this extra time with Zara, but my heart just walked out the door and has to embark on the hardest journey of his life.

Steve has to trust that Essos is a good man, a good god, and true to his word.

Essos leans back in his chair and nods. "Then you shall follow him into the realm of the living. He will not be able to hear you or sense you—he will need to do this on trust alone. If he turns to look at you, then you will be sent to your afterlife." He pauses to let this sink in.

I look over at Zara, the guilt starting to hit me. I chose to stay for her. What kind of friend am I to up and leave her? It's like she's reading my mind because she nods at me, like she's giving me permission to do what I need to do in order to be happy. I break eye contact with her and turn to Essos, nodding.

"All right, then. Please be well, no matter where you wind up. You may take a moment to say your goodbyes."

Essos studies us all before walking out of the room and shutting the door behind him.

Zara steps toward me with no hesitation. Her hug is tight, almost as tight as Steve's was, but I know that while his was full of "I love you, I miss you," Zara's is telling me, "I love you, I'll miss you."

"I'm sorry," I whisper as I give her another squeeze.

"Shut up. I want this for you in the absolute best way. Coming here was a fever dream and getting to have more of you in the Afterlife was incredible, but your heart was always with Steve. This, you getting to be with him, is the best possible outcome. I want you to be happy. This is me telling you to be happy."

Zara pulls back and cups my face in her hands. Her thumbs brush over my cheeks, and I grip her wrists, hating that this is the last time I'll get to see my best friend. Steve is my soulmate in so many ways, but so is Zara. I would do anything for her. I did do anything for her.

"I hate this. I love this, but I hate this," I say as new tears start. I'll never have my best friend again. Maybe when I hit my afterlife, I'll find out I was wrong about Essos and Daphne and Zara will be queen and we'll get to spend time together again.

"I know, I do too, but you were always meant to be with him, and Steve did more than prove that not even death can keep you two apart."

"Are you sure you're going to be all right?" I sniffle.

"Are you kidding? I'm going to rock this competition and become queen just so I can come visit you. We're going to be fine."

I read into her words that both of us will be fine with this new path that's before us. Zara reluctantly releases me so I can say farewell to Cat and Daphne. I give them both grateful hugs because I don't know how long it will be before I see them again.

I trust Steve, but that doesn't mean I'm not terrified that he'll turn and try to see me. Considering that he drove off into a bright light, I'd say his impulse control could get us into trouble. This could be a new beginning for me, or an end.

I take Zara's hand for the last time and walk us back up the stairs. A rush of calm falls over me. There is uncertainty in this path, but it's the right one. This sort of clarity is something that people dream about, and to experience it is something else.

When we get back to the main level of the house, Essos pauses before opening the door. He looks at me with a mixture of trepidation and I think happiness as he questions me again. "You're sure?"

"This is the most sure I've ever been in my entire life." I give him a full smile through my tears.

He doesn't doubt me. Essos pulls open the door we came through for the first time forty-seven days ago. Outside on the driveway, standing in the bright sun, are Galen, Sybil, Steve, and the rest of the girls. I give cursory farewells to my other sorority sisters. Anxiety is starting to crawl under my skin, and I want to start this journey.

It's going to be hard and trying for us both. Steve has to have faith that Essos is a man of his word, and I need to trust that Steve won't look back.

With a wave of Essos's hand, the van disappears. Steve's eyes widen at the show of magic the rest of us have become accustomed to.

Essos gives Steve a final warning. "You are not to look behind you, ever."

Steve nods and holds out his hand to Essos. Essos eyes the hand for a moment before giving it a firm shake. Then Steve begins walking up the driveway and away from the house.

I wish he had taken one last look at me, but he didn't. His determination is leading him forward. Trust is all we have now.

From the corner of my eye, I see Zara start to shake with sobs, but Daphne is there, swooping in with a hug.

If I look at her full on, I may not leave, knowing she's hurting because of me.

As awful as it is, I keep my head straight and follow the path that Steve took.

The path that, I hope, leads to our future.