Chapter 13

It’s Friday night, and after I finish my last appointment, I drive back to the clinic to repack my medical bag just in case there is an emergency call in the middle of the night. The lights are off, so I flick them on and move to the sink to wash my hands and arms with antibacterial soap. My employees are already gone for the day.

Some days, I do routine check-ups; others, I’m elbow-deep in places. The problem with horses is it’s impossible to do ultrasounds from the outside. It’s one hundred percent an inside job.

After I restock my supplies, I return them to my truck. It’s fading to dark, and soon the sun will fully set. In the distance, the BB sits on a hill, and the lights glow yellow. Remi’s car is on the side of the BB, and I wonder what she’s doing.

I drive home with her on my mind. As soon as I walk into our condo, the notebook awaits me on the counter. When I see it, nothing else matters.

My Valentine,

Happy Friday!

Can you believe my birthday is tomorrow? I can’t.

Twenty-eight.

It feels like a weird age, somewhere between still too young and old enough to know better.

Don’t worry; I’m not having a meltdown about it.

Age doesn’t matter to me. Growing old is better than the alternative.

When I get off work in the morning, I’m crawling into bed with you, so wait for me.

I want to be wrapped in your arms and held until I fall asleep, then wake with you next to me.

Sitting here, I think about how we’ve lived together for nearly a month and haven’t seen one another even once. Isn’t that strange?

Somehow, I’ve felt closer to you in the past twenty-seven days than ever before. Am I alone in that?

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I believe in that statement now.

You asked me how many people I dated after you.

I don’t know—a lot. If you want to know how many people I’ve had sex with, the answer is three, including you.

I’m sure you don’t want to read about my past relationships, but I think it’s crucial for you to know.

There was a man named Noah.

He was ten years older than me, and we used each other for sex.

We were broken people who needed someone to fill the void. He’d divorced the love of his life, and I’d lost you. It was physical only. We ended it when he found a woman he wanted to date seriously.

Soon after, I met Landon. He was your age.

We’d dated for two years and lived together for a year.

I moved to Alpine, and we rented a house in town while I worked online for the tech company. I believed I’d healed and had finally moved on from you.

Time was supposed to heal those wounds.

It didn’t work out, though. Obviously.

If you’re wondering what happened, we broke up because of you.

That probably comes as a shock, but that breakup made me realize I had a lot of shit to work through for you.

It was my wake-up call, and confirmed I was still in love with you.

After that relationship ended, I moved back in with my parents into my old bedroom until Grace asked me to be her roommate.

I’d committed to my single-girl era, telling myself I’d have you or no one. I needed to be in a better place mentally before I started another relationship.

Every stressor in my life was removed, including my toxic job. Kinsley encouraged it, but I was grateful and felt free. Then I moved in with Grace, and I think she understood how fucked up I was.

For months, I was worried I’d never find love again.

But when you came home, I knew I’d never lost it.

I stop readingand sit back in my chair, sitting in her words for a few minutes. This breaks my fucking heart. Nothing about this makes me happy.

I’m sure you’re curious how you had anything to do with my breakup, considering I pretended you didn’t exist.

It’s funny how a person’s subconscious doesn’t forget things.

We’d drank a lot at a bar down the street and stumbled home.

When we were having sex, I called him Cash.

He’d known about us, about you. It wasn’t the first time it’d happened either.

The following day, he broke up with me.

We broke our lease and went our separate ways, and though I apologized a thousand times, he said he couldn’t be second place in my life.

He was a good man and treated me right, but I knew I wouldn’t be happy with him because he’d never be you.

“Rem,”I whisper, shaking my head and exhaling.

I was upset for months and kept it to myself.

Even now, no one knows why we broke up because neither of us could admit what happened.

I never got over you, and I was so mad at myself.

Landon saw the writing on the wall, and he was right. I hurt him, and I’ll always regret that.

Did I mention you’re the only man who’s ever made me come?

Anytime I was with someone else, I imagined it was you.

I had wished it were you, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when I whispered your name.

Honestly, I’d have broken up with me for that, too. I deserved it because it was a slap in the face.

There hasn’t been a day since you kissed me on my birthday that I haven’t thought about you.

Tomorrow will be seven years since we first kissed.

There were days when I wished I could erase every memory of us because I knew no one would ever compare.

You broke me, and you are the only one who can glue me back together. And come September 1st, if you want to end this, my feelings won’t change.

You ruined me, Cash.

You’re the only person who can satisfy me emotionally and physically. And now that you know that, what will you do?

I’m risking my heart, but somehow, you’re still risking more. It scares me. I want you to be happy and have it all. It’s what I wish for.

So, what’s your confession? The secret you’ve been hiding from me?

Less than twenty-four hours to go!

I’m not counting down to my birthday but to seeing you. Can’t wait.

—Still Your Valentine

(I always will be)

I closethe notebook and stare at the wall, speechless, until my vision blurs.