Chapter 21

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Fuck.

I stepped out onto Aria's porch, sucked in humid air that did nothing to cool my burning lungs, and stared at her street.

What the fuck am I doing?

I needed to get in my truck, drive away, and leave Aria to her life.

Just answer her question, dumb fuck.

My ringing phone saved me from further contemplation.

Kira.

Thank fuck.

"Hey," I answered.

"Hey," she started hesitantly. "Sorry to bother you but I thought you'd like to know, the cops ran the gun, nothing's popped yet."

"Good news."

"Yeah."

If she agreed with me then why did she sound like someone had kicked her puppy?

"What's up, KK, everything else okay?"

"Yeah…sure."

Yeah, no.

Kira never sounded uncertain and timid.

"Spill, Kid, what's wrong?"

"I like her," she whispered.

Oh fuck.

Shit. Fuck .

"Kira—"

"I'm sure Cash got up in your business earlier so you don't need me giving you my two cents. But I like her. I think she's cool, she's got her shit together, she's sweet and funny. But more than that I like seeing you with her. Whatever you feel you need to do, I got your back. I just hope whatever you feel you need to do doesn't lead you to living with more regret."

Her hope would be in vain.

I already regretted pulling away. But regret didn't mean I wasn't doing what was best for Aria.

"It's called sacrifice, not regret."

Kira sat on that for a moment before she called me on my shit.

"You can lie to yourself and call it whatever you want, Smith. But we both know what it really is and it's not sacrifice. At least not the way you mean it."

"Kira—"

"That's all I have to say about it," she declared.

I didn't get a chance to respond. Aria's front door flew open. She stepped out onto the porch with her face pale, her eyes wide, different clothes on that looked like she'd pulled on her leggings and sweatshirt in a hurry, barefoot, and her phone was in her hand.

"What's wrong?"

A thousand scenarios ran through my mind at warp speed; her dad, her house being broken into again, Billy thinking ‘fuck it' and burning it to the ground, bad news from a friend, etcetera.

Never in my wildest thoughts did I think I'd ever hear my Aria utter the vilest words she could ever say to me.

"Who's Valerie?"

" Oh fuck ," Kira whispered.

Everything stopped.

My world tilted on its axis and spun out of control.

I was going to kill someone.

Slowly, painfully, murder one of my closest friends.

"Who the fuck told you that name?" I asked as I hung up on Kira.

"Who is she?"

A car door slamming reminded me we were on her porch within earshot of her neighbors.

"Get your ass in the house."

Her pale face turned a shade of red that was nearing purple.

I didn't give a single fuck she was pissed. Her anger couldn't compare to the fury pumping through my veins.

"I don't?—"

"Seriously as fuck, woman, get in the house."

She whirled and stomped into the house. I followed, not bothering attempting to cool my temper.

I hadn't even made it over the threshold when Aria spun to face me.

"Is—"

"Do. Not. Say. That name. Again."

I slammed the door and beat back the urge to wrestle Aria's phone out of her hand to see who had called her. Thankfully, I had at least a smidgeon of control and stayed across the room.

"Who called you?"

"No one."

Bullshit . That name didn't magically pop into her head.

"Who told you?" I tried again.

"It doesn't matter."

"The fuck it doesn't!" I seethed. "You get I'm furious, right now's not the time to bullshit me."

"Tell me who she is and I'll explain?—"

"That woman doesn't exist for you. Now tell me who the fuck betrayed me."

If I hadn't been holding on by a thread that was so frayed it was getting ready to snap and drop me straight into the pits of hell I would've had a mind to the way Aria flinched. But I was too close to breaking. Too close to being dragged under. Too fucking close to the pain.

My past and present had collided.

The fuse had been lit.

The walls felt like they were closing in, the air in the room thick and heavy, everything was spiraling. My world was threatening to explode and I had no way to stop it.

Too much.

It was too fucking much.

"Who is she?"

"Aria—"

"Who is she, Smith?" She leaned forward and screamed.

What was left of my sanity snapped. The walls I'd build around my memories crumbled. The pain and anger and hatred and grief blended into a new toxin. A poison so lethal I couldn't contain it. I had to purge the contaminant before it killed me.

"My ex," I shouted back. "The woman I was supposed to marry. The woman I spent years trying to save, trying to fix, trying to love her enough so she'd choose me, choose us. But it wasn't enough, nothing I did was enough. In the end, she left. She chose abuse, dysfunction, and a life of terror over what I could give. What I gave her."

"Smith—"

I was too far gone to care Aria looked stricken.

Way past the point of caring about anything.

"You want it," I spat. "You can have it. All of it. She was a mess. Her father beat her, her mother, and her brother. And I mean beat them. Bruises all over her back, stomach, legs, always places that could be hidden. It wouldn't do for the good doctor's secret to come out. The rich and powerful and respected doctor who was really a monster. I worked my ass off and saved every fucking penny to get her out. I graduated high school, stayed, watched my mother drinking herself stupid every day, because I couldn't leave Rie. Not until she turned eighteen and could leave with me. Nine fucking months after I graduated I waited, worked two, sometimes three jobs to save money to get her out. Her eighteenth birthday, we packed my piece-of-shit car and were hitting the road even though she hadn't graduated. We had a plan. She'd get her GED while I was in basic."

I had to stop to breathe through the venom clogging my throat. Jesus fucking Christ, why didn't Valerie listen to me?

"Smith—"

"Oh, no, Aria. You wanted to know. Now you take it, and warning—it gets worse. She wanted to stop by her house on the way out of town. She forgot something. Swore her dad was at work, her mom was shopping, and her brother would be at school. We get there, I wait in the car, then I wait longer. Rie's taking too long so I go in and the doctor is beating the ever-loving fuck out of Rie. I jump in, get the motherfucker off my girl, take a beating, then get mine back. He's bloody and cowed and still makes his threat—Rie leaves and her mother will pay. My girl's so fucked-up, I had to carry her out to the car. We spend a week in a ratty-assed, shithole motel. And it takes me that entire week to convince her not to go back."

"What?" Aria whispered. "She wanted to go back?"

"Yep. She knew her father would make good on his threat. She knew her mother's abuse would get worse. We make a new plan. When I get out of basic, finish A-school, and get to my duty station, we'll get her mom to come live with us. Rie gets on a bus to go to Pensacola. I go to Great Lakes. Three months later, I join her in Pensacola. I'm so fucking happy to have my girl back. I missed the fuck out of her. I was worried the whole time I was away from her. And what does she do? The very next day, she starts in on how she should go home. Home to her piece-of-shit dad. This time it takes me the three weeks before I class up to convince her to stay. New plan. I'm going to BUD/s. When we get to San Diego, get her into an apartment, we're gonna talk to her mom. I spend the next twelve weeks while I'm in A-school keeping her calm."

"Smith, that's…"

"That's Rie. A fucking mess, worried about her mom, forgetting her dad used his fists on her repeatedly for as far back as she could remember. We get to Coronado, I get checked in, waiting to class up, and she starts in again. She's not studying for her GED, she's not letting me help her through her trauma, she's throwing up roadblocks, won't talk about it, won't get help, won't talk to someone. I'm frustrated, I'm stressed, and I'm fucking scared but fuck I love her, so I spend more time talking her down. I sit next to her when she calls her mom. That conversation ends badly and she's back to needing to go home. Since we're not married I can't live off base with her, but every break I have, I'm with her. I get through BUD/s by the skin of my teeth. And I mean that, I was one revolution from being washed out. My head was so fucked, if I hadn't had Cash there with me, I wouldn't have made it."

"She was home."

"I get my trident?—"

"Smith," Aria interrupted. "She was home."

"What?"

"Val…your ex, she was home."

"We were in San Diego," I impatiently reminded her, wanting to get the rest of this fucked-up tale over with.

"I don't care if the two of you were in Zimbabwe. She was with you. That's home. She was home, Smith, she just didn't know it."

Her words penetrated, every one of them felt like a stab to the chest.

"I was never home to her. Home was Detroit. Home was chaos, abuse, and violence. What I gave her wasn't enough to get her to see she was better off with me. I wasn't enough?—"

"Stop it!"

"Stop what? Telling you the truth? This is me." I threw my arms out wide. "This is who I am. The idiot kid who loved a girl he never should've loved then got her mother and her killed. There you have it, Aria. Your why."

Aria reared back and whispered, "Killed."

"Her mother had an accidental fall down the stairs. Rie wasn't so lucky. She took one too many blows to the head, spent two days in ICU before she died."

The two steps back said it all.

It was finally penetrating…just how much of a piece of shit I was.

Two women gone because of me.

"And you think that's your fault?"

Was she insane?

"Of course it's my fucking fault!"

Christ .

My head felt it was going to split in two.

I needed to get the fuck out of here.

Aria knew.

I gave her the ‘why' she wanted.

Now it was time to do what I did best and wash my hands of this fucked-up mess.

I would never be who Aria needed. Never be what she deserved.

Like father, like son.

When the going got rough, I didn't have it in me to stay.