Chapter 33

DARCY

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"Order up for table twelve," Jeff calls from the kitchen.

"Got it." Table twelve isn't in my section, but anything to keep moving, stay busy. I grab the food, balance the plates with my arm, and walk across the room.

"Who had the shrimp platter?" I ask as I approach the table, looking at the plates in my hand.

"Hey, Darce." I'm startled by the voice and almost drop the food.

"Of course," I say as I place the plate in front of Cole. "Mom always gets the flounder, and that leaves the scallops for you, Ash. Can I get you guys anything else?"

I can't believe they're here. It's been six weeks since I've seen Cole. I've texted with Ashleigh once since Vail, and I wonder what she shared with him. I've gone to Sunday brunch a few times. What do they want from me? I'm doing my best, going to class, working more hours than usual, but I need to save money for life after graduation. I'm just busy.

"Can we talk?" Cole asks.

"Sorry, I'm working. Enjoy your dinner." My voice is flat, no emotion.

I turn to walk away, and Ashleigh's hand reaches out to grab mine. "Please," she says.

I look around the restaurant. It's a Tuesday night in February, and it's not busy. I don't really have a good excuse.

"Give me a minute, and I'll take my break. Go ahead and eat up while it's warm." I give Ashleigh's hand a little squeeze and step away.

I tell Jeff I'm taking my break, pour myself a large sweet tea, and grab a plate of hushpuppies. I'm not hungry, but I'm thinking ahead. It's hard to talk with a mouth full of food.

I take the empty chair at their table and put on the fake smile I've perfected. Or at least I think I have. Sammie says it's scary, but I'm working on it.

"I didn't know ya'll were going to be in town." I look at Ashleigh, pleading with my eyes. Please tell me it's okay. From the look on her face, it's not. I sigh.

"On our way to Florida for spring training," Cole says, his voice sounding timid. That's a tone my normally cocky, fun-loving brother doesn't use often, if ever.

"Yeah, I guess it's that time, isn't it? Congratulations on getting invited." Under other circumstances, I'd be elated for him. Of course I'm happy for him. It's just hard because our relationship is in this uncomfortable, unfamiliar place. Strangely, he doesn't look all that happy either.

"Thanks," he mumbles. I barely hear him. Why are we making small talk? Awkward small talk at that. This isn't us. I mean, the first words he says to me in weeks are about baseball. Honestly, it tracks. He probably thinks it's a safe topic. Unfortunately, it's not.

I eat my hushpuppy, practically putting the entire thing in my mouth. I look around the table when I feel three sets of eyes watching me.

"What?" I ask with a mouthful of food.

"How are you?" Ashleigh asks. Her face is full of concern. Not much better than the last time she saw me. But she knows. She's been there. What do I say? Heartbroken. Gutted. Lost. No. I won't admit that. Not to my family.

"Good," I choke out. I take a big gulp of tea to wash down the lump in my throat. "Working. School. A few consultations. You know, busy." I shrug like it's just another Tuesday. Which it is. Just making it through another day. My new normal.

"Yeah, I know," Ashleigh says. Her look damn near breaks me. It's what isn't being said that guts me. "Been there. Senior year, right?" She knows exactly what I'm talking about.

"Yeah, senior year." I want to ask about Matt. Has Cole talked to him? Are they still friends? Can I fix this mess? How is he? I can't seem to muster the words. I'm not sure I can handle the truth. Living in the what if and maybe world is safer for me at the moment.

"Are you working too much?" Mom asks.

"No, it's good. I'm saving some money so I can, I don't know, try doing my thing on my own after graduation." That's what they all want me to do, so I tell them what they want to hear. But really? I'm not sure I have it in me. The only place I feel comfortable is The Wreck, which is one reason I'm working so many days. It keeps me busy. No one asks about how I'm doing. They let me be. Until now.

"You know I can help you, right?" Ashleigh says. I assume she's talking about after graduation, but I'm not sure if her words have a double meaning. Doesn't matter.

"I know. I'm just not ready yet. But when I am, you'll be my first call." Because my first call won't answer anymore, so I quit trying.

Cole remains quiet, pushing food around on his plate but not eating. I glance his way, but just that small look brings a swirl of emotions. Anger. Love. Hurt. Frustration. Guilt. Embarrassment. Shame. Heartbreak. Mostly shame. I destroyed a brotherhood.

That constant pain I've had in my chest roars back full force. I thought I had it somewhat contained, but seeing him like this brings it to the surface. I'm a monster. Just weeks ago, Cole's happiness was visible, oozing from every pore. Now, he can barely look at me. His typical smile, gone. I hurt him too. I'm a danger to those around me.

This is too much. Apparently, running away is the solution, so I go with it. I mean, it must be working for Matt. He's been radio silent for weeks.

"I need to get back to work." I push my chair back and start to stand.

Faster than a line drive, Cole is out of his chair. His arms wrap around me, pulling me into his chest. His chin rests on my shoulder. He whispers, "I'm so sorry. So fucking sorry. I love you." His hug is so tight I can barely breathe.

I feel tears well in my eyes and will them not to fall. "I know. Me too." I try to pull away, but he's holding on to me for dear life.

"We going to be okay?" He says it so quietly, I wonder if he really said it at all. "Tell me you forgive me."

"Of course," I mumble. With those words, his grip on me loosens. Without turning around or looking at them, I say, "I've gotta go. Enjoy your dinner." I'm not sure why he's asking forgiveness. I'm the one who broke his friendship.

I go to the kitchen and tell Jeff I need to leave, that I'm not feeling well. He hugs me and tells me to get some rest. Jeff's such a great boss and friend. I've no doubt he witnessed the intervention. He quit asking me if I was okay a few weeks ago, because he knew when to give up on me. I guess that's why I like him so much. He's a lot like me. He knows when to move on.

That's what I'm trying to do. Move on. It's time to give up on fantasies and dreams. The best I can hope for is being okay. It's time to focus on my life without Matt, my future and myself. Starting now.