30. Jonathan

" C an I ask you something?" they said, standing at the foot of the bed, a terrifying array in front of them. My shameful purchases were splayed out against the white sheets, all my kinks, as Mabel so eloquently described them, right there for me to see.

"They looked less scary on the website," I stuttered and shuffled from foot to foot, trying to cover my nakedness with the minuscule towel I had wrapped around me—the only clean one I could find. I say ‘clean'…I really needed to get on top of this laundry business because the towel did not smell good, and now Mabel was balancing a metal plug in their hand, watching me with a smile on their face.

"Jonny, darling. We don't have to use any of these. But what we will do is look at them. I'll talk you through what they do, and then you decide exactly what you're interested in. Any you're not keen on can go straight back in the box, back of the cupboard. No pressure here, none at all on my behalf. This is all for us to figure out."

"I know," I grumbled. "I'm just a little…embarrassed. I say things, and then it sinks in, and now suddenly I'm looking at all these…items, wondering what on earth I was thinking."

"You were turned on by the idea, but that doesn't mean you have to act on it. If you want to try anything, I'll be right here. If you prefer to play with them alone and get comfortable with how these things are used, then they go straight back in the box for another time. There are no rules here, Jonny."

I swallowed, staring at them. The tantalising drape of the towel around their waist. The flawless complexion of their pale skin. The way their hair fell around their face in soft waves. I wanted to touch it. Touch every inch of them. Plaster my body against theirs.

So that was what I did…and was surprised by how, suddenly, I was comfortable with all of this. How my terrifying fears of intimacy had become something I embraced instead. Because I could see it now. I had been terrified of what it all meant, what I had to admit. Who I would become if I truly accepted who I was.

I was a gay man, and I loved this human being standing right here in front of me. My head leaned against their shoulder, one hand on their chest, the other gently grasping at their hair. I loved how it felt against my fingers.

"What did you want to ask?" I murmured, my head already in that new half-state of bliss.

"I was going to ask…" The kissed my forehead. "Jonny, why don't you use hearing aids? Wouldn't they make your life easier?"

It was not the first time I'd been asked that. Nor was it one of my favourite of questions.

"Okay," I breathed, wrapping my arms around them, chest to chest. I'd lost the towel somewhere in the two steps I'd taken to get closer, which was fine. I didn't want anything between us. "Firstly, I'm not deaf, so…well. For some people, hearing aids are a lifesaver. They improve things, but they're miracle workers."

"Explain," they said softly. I loved that they did.

"I got fitted for the top-end, latest-technology, stream-everything-straight-into-your-brain kind of hearing aids, custom-made and fine-tuned to restore as much of my hearing as possible."

"And?" They released themselves and stepped back so they could look at me.

"I put them in and my world explodes. Everything becomes too loud and distorted. I walk across the room and I can hear everything. The carpet under my feet crunches like it's in my head. If I ride in a car, the blinkers feel like hammers to my bones. In a room full of people, I can hear the conversation behind me but can't hear what the person in front of me is saying. Restaurants become a nightmare. It's like living in a box where everything is twisted and loud. My world becomes disorientated because I can't figure out which direction sounds are coming from. These things are supposed to settle down if you use your aids all the time, but I can't. It stresses me out to the point that I can't breathe."

"Okay," they said softly, "I can understand that."

"They're good for some people, just not for me. I need a certain degree of quiet in my life."

"Don't we all?"

"The aids are good if I'm on the phone, but I still mishear things. Some voices are really difficult to understand. Too many people talking at once? I lose the thread in the conversation trying to figure out who's saying what and to whom. I'm not good in a large room, terrible in social situations."

"And perfect one-on-one. We all have to play to our strengths."

"Which is why I work up here in my glass tower, on my own."

Admitting it felt good, like I wasn't that terrible at life, though I was aware I sometimes was and it was nothing to do with my hearing.

"I like your glass tower. It's very calming up here, always peaceful and quiet. We can't even hear the traffic up here. It's an oasis in the middle of all the noise below."

"Exactly. Not that I can hear it anyway. The first thing I lost was birdsong. I haven't heard a bird sing since I was a teenager. They tried to incorporate that frequency into the hearing aids, but where would I go to hear birdsong? Get my driver to drive me out into the countryside somewhere and hope a seagull turns up to screech in my ear?"

"You're funny." They smiled. "I'm going to take you out to my mum and dad's, sit in the garden in bloody Newbury and listen to the crows. No seagulls there, but we do get songbirds in summer. Remind me. I'll find you some birds."

"Birds."

"Yup. Fancy a canary? We can get you a pet."

I grimaced. "God, no. I'm allergic to feathers, remember? But I'm not really a pets kind of person."

"Good. I'm not great with pets either. Too many rats and mice and cockroaches in that hotel next door—I think I'm scarred for life."

"My mother had a poodle once."

"Did she now?"

"Yes. She hated it. It hated her. She gave it to one of her cleaners to take home. It was one of those episodes never to be mentioned again."

They laughed, and I loved that I could make them do that, but then they became quiet again and lifted my face up, placing a small kiss on my lips.

"Do you ever wear…like…" I ran my finger down their chest, circled their nipple, distracted for a second by the sensation of the soft bumps against my fingertip.

"Bra?" They smiled. "Yes. I have quite a selection. Should I…?"

"Yes." I loved how we communicated, the things I didn't have to say out loud for them to know what I wanted.

"Okay," they said softly, brushing their hand across my stomach and sending a shiver through me.

I sat on the edge of the bed and picked up a heavy metal plug, the weight in my hand making me clench.

Did I want this? Honestly?

God, yes, I did. I swallowed down saliva that had pooled in my mouth at the anticipation of what I hoped was to come.

I picked up a larger one. Oh. Oh, yes. My groin tingled with the excitement in my growing member.

"We're going to start with the smallest one," they said, returning to the room. I hadn't even registered them leaving. "Lots of lube. I think…"

"Yes," I breathed out, suddenly unable to actually speak. I'd seen the lace trunks before. The bra… I had to swallow again, heat creeping up my cheeks. Mabel was right. I had kinks. Good God, did I have them.

"Please." The word escaped amongst my breaths as I shuffled back on the bed and lay down. They kneeled over me, and in that moment, my life became something completely different. My lower regions were on full alert; my legs spread without conscious effort, my hips lifting as they bent to deliver a hard, needy kiss.

I trailed my fingers along the bra straps, feeling, admiring the contrast of smooth, creamy skin and jet-black lace.

"I love you so much it's terrifying," I admitted.

"Oh, Jonny." They smiled so sweetly. "It's terrifying for me too, but also so very, very lovely."

"You're…my kink."

"Am I now?"

"All the lovely things you are. Mine." Did I even know what I was talking about? Not a clue! But looking at that incredible smile, I was glad I'd said it.

"Now," they said, and I felt the shift as they took charge, "you're going to lie back here and relax, let me look after you. If anything is too much, just say stop or raise your hand."

"I trust you," I said. How could I not when they were looking at me like that. So much love in those eyes. Green. They were green. How had I not known that? Or perhaps I had. They had brought so much colour to my life, it was hard to keep inventory.

"After all my years of struggling to sleep, now it feels like I'm just waking up."

Fingers stroked down my chest, soft, familiar yet different. A laced glove.

"Thought you'd appreciate them," they hummed, a small smile playing on their lips as I lifted their hand and kissed their palm. The roughness of the fabric was exquisite against my skin. "And I get the sleep metaphor," they continued. "Sometimes we have no idea what we need until it's right in front of us. Had you not taken that first step of bringing me home with you, running after me and forcing me to see what was right in front of me, I might have lost you. That thought is what scares me the most now. That I almost missed what was right here. You."

"I'm here," I whispered, too overcome to speak. Touches. Words. Feelings.

They felt them too. I knew because I could see what it was doing to them, could feel it in their kisses, soft then firm, then trailing down my chest, and that lacy glove, their hand wrapping around me. Oh…

Oh yes.

"I think we need to do more things like this and—"

"Yes."

"Yes to more things or yes to whatever I'm about to say?"

"Yes."

They laughed. "I think this is my kink. You letting me do all this to you."

"You can do whatever you want."

"Careful what you wish for."

"I wish for it all," I said, arching from the mattress and thrusting into their gloved hand. I had no idea who this Jonathan was or where he'd come from, but I liked him.

I didn't think much more after that because I simply didn't have to. Safe in Mabel's care, I let my body take over. My senses registered every little touch—how their lips felt against my skin, their tongue lapping over parts of me I hadn't known needed tasting. For the briefest second, shame flashed through my mind and my head shot up , but I was told in ono uncertain terms to lie back. Indeed, I was given little choice but to do so when, with a firm hold on my hips, they tugged me further down the bed and spread my legs.

Oh… fuck .

I never used that kind of crude language—the syllables felt vulgar in my mouth—but that was the only word that came to mind as something pushed against my opening, a soft tap, followed by something being smeared around down there. Rather than shout out, I focused on breathing, much as I would when having a panic attack.

"Good job," they praised me. "Try to relax. I'm not going to hurt you. Just let me touch you, and you'll find that some of those lovely nerve endings will reward your braveness."

I had a full erection, a desperately tense feeling down below. I think I made another noise, though I couldn't be sure. They were still talking, and it was all I could do to listen.

"I wish when I was younger that someone had taken the time with me like this. Shown me what my body could do with the right frame of mind. I didn't, and it ruined the whole experience for me for a while. It was only when I met new partners, ones with hardly any experience, that I figured out what I was good at."

"You're good at breaking people in. Taking their virginity," I said.

"You're no virgin, darling, but giving you a good experience is top of my list. However far we go, or if we go nowhere at all."

"Make me," I panted out. "Don't stop."

"I won't," they said softly, and then there was that finger again. At least, something pushed deep inside me, forcing my ring of muscles apart. I tensed up. A soft kiss on the inside of my leg and the pressure disappeared. Immediately, I wanted it back.

"Just do it," I hissed.

"Patience, darling. More lube."

Cool, hard steel against my skin, wetness, and the return of the pressure.

Oh, the pressure.

This time, I welcomed it, my insides clenching as my body shook and arched off the bed, heels digging into the mattress, another panted breath escaping me as whatever it was stopped pushing and probing my insides, though I could feel it was still in there. It was all I could think about.

"Good. You're being so good for me. So brave. Look at that. That plug fits like it was made for you. How does it feel?"

"Uhhhh…" How to answer when my mouth had no idea how to form words? The pressure on my insides. The sensations. The…weight. Oh God. What was I doing?

"I'm going to gently pull it out now. Fuck you with the tip."

A spasm of anticipation jolted my penis, a lick of liquid beading at the tip. I wanted to touch it, but I also wanted more. So much more.

So maybe the way they slowly pulled the plug out was slightly uncomfortable, but then they rocked it against the ring of muscle, and I was suddenly making noises I had no control over. I grabbed my erection. I couldn't help myself.

"Don't hold back," they said. "If you want to come in the middle of this, just come. That's the whole point."

I had no idea how they were still making sense, especially since they were as hard as I was. I could see the tip of their…cock, peeking out of the side of those lovely lacy trunks.

"You took that so well. Let's try the next one."

I let them, because I wanted to. Holding my knees up, my backside completely exposed, I stared up at them in admiration, their smile of contentment, the beautiful glow on their cheeks as they drizzled lube over my opening and smeared it over my skin, inside of me…pushing gently. Oh God. Their fingers…

"I need…" I said but couldn't continue. I had no idea what I needed.

"You're going to get it all, darling. If you can take the bigger plug?"

"I want you." I was done the plugs. I wanted that big, gorgeous cock inside me right now.

"I'm too big for you to just take like that. Patience. You'll get my cock if you're good. Now, breathe out and let this bad boy inside of you."

"So the plug is a boy." Such nonsense I was spouting.

"A bad boy. This one's a bit bigger. Just breathe. Let him seat himself."

Good God, he was big too, splitting my insides apart as Mabel gently pushed him…it inside of me. My leg started vibrating with some kind of nerve reaction.

"I've never…done anything like this," I huffed out, once again arching off the bed.

"You're made for it," they hummed. "Not everyone can take a plug like this. You're a natural."

I didn't feel like it, being impaled on a piece of metal. Yet I was still harder than I'd been in my life and had no control over my hips, which rocked rhythmically, pressing on the plug each time I touched down on the mattress.

Then a warm, wet mouth was around my cock and I cried out in sheer agony and ecstasy. The world was white, then dark and beautiful as I panted, trying not to jerk into all that lovely wet heat.

"Don't come," they murmured. "Not yet. I want you to have the bigger plug first."

I lay there still as could be, letting them do this to me. My skin shivered one moment and overheated the next. My hips ached from the unusual workout I was giving them, and my legs tingled from the lack of blood, even though Mabel made me stretch them between each plug.

Suddenly the thought of that huge black dildo was tempting. Something so big. Something to fill me to the brim. Make me whole. Stuffed. Plugged. Filled up.

I counted the synonyms in my head in an effort not to spill my load all into Mabel's hair, the light brush of it in my state of heightened sensitivity almost more than I could withstand.

Another plug, impossibly large… I roared like some wild beast as it was pushed inside me. The sensations mixed with a sudden fear, and the muscle spasms overwhelmed me to the point that I could no longer control my mouth, grunting and panting, my hands grasping for them even though I couldn't reach with my knees against my chest.

"Biggest one," they breathed out. "I can't believe you're taking it so well. So beautiful. Your arse is my new favourite thing, Jonny. How does it feel?"

Absurd question. Brain? Hello, are you in there?

I had no words, floating in a haze while my body was clearly functioning from some basic instinct. I had gone soft and shakily tried to rectify that.

"Don't worry about being hard. It's normal with anal play. Just relax. Adjust. Oh God, you should see yourself, Jonny. So beautiful."

"Fuck me," I said desperately.

For the longest moment, they held my gaze.

"Okay," they agreed finally. "Going to get a condom on."

"Nooo…just you. I want you—"

"I don't want to—"

"Bare. Naked. Just you."

"So bossy," they sassed.

Yes, I was. To have given over control and lain here, letting things happen, it had been the right thing to do because now I knew exactly what I wanted. What I needed.

Mabel rose on their knees and tugged down the lace trunks, their long, thick, pale, gorgeous cock breaking free. God, I needed that inside me, more than I had ever needed anything before.

They gently pulled at the plug, my body emitting a soft, sloppy pop as it finally released it, then emptiness, cold air. I didn't like it. I wanted to be full again.

"Do it," I demanded.

"Are you sure you want this?"

"I want this."

"If I come inside you, it will be messy."

"Do I look like I care?" I snarled out. I was desperate, and I didn't care if they knew it.

They grinned. "You're such a needy, bossy bottom."

"Agreed," I said, contrary to my previous assertion that I was a top. I was a very needy bottom indeed. I needed their cock, the biggest I'd ever seen, in my arse right now. I told Mabel that as well, as they held me up with their thighs and held me at an impossible angle, lining that big cock of theirs up with my opening.

I was watching. Of course I was. Then their tip pushed against me, and my head fell back into the pillows.

"It'll feel a little different from the plug, so I'm going to go slow, let you get used to the size."

"Push. Push hard," I urged them on.

They pushed. A little more.

"HARDER!" I shouted as they hesitated. I had no idea why when I'd been quite clear. I wanted the pressure, the pain, the fullness. I wanted them as far inside me as they could go. Impossibly far. All the way.

And there ended my control over every aspect of my being as insatiable need was overrun by intense pressure, pain—yes, it…bloody well hurt. This was a cock, after all, a big, fat, gorgeous cock, and I was shouting, my hands grasping at the sheets as I opened my eyes and met theirs.

"Just do it," I whispered. "Fuck me hard. Don't hold back. Make me feel you. All the way."

"You're beautiful," they whispered back.

"I need you to do this."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Then they gently pulled out and slammed back in.