Chapter 4

D espite the restraining order against Jackson taking effect the next day, I stayed at my parents' house for another two weeks. The idea of being alone created a deep, black hole in my chest. I worried I would suffocate and no one would ever find what was left of me.

Mom helped me move some things from my apartment back to her house. I didn't tell her or Dad I was staying for a while, but somehow they understood. When I came out of my room each morning, long after they'd both gone to work, there was coffee in the pot waiting for me and there were always more frozen waffles in the freezer. When I returned to work, Dad packed my lunches and left them in the fridge for me. If I was home for dinner, we all sat at the table; Mom and Dad talked about their days, and sometimes I mustered the energy to participate.

The physical pain subsided. The bleeding stopped. The doctor confirmed my body had successfully rid itself of all the dead tissue.

My baby was gone.

Even though I improved physically, I couldn't stop thinking about how different things would have been if I was…better. Better at taking care of myself. Better at accepting help. Better at knowing my limits.

If I was better, maybe I would still have a baby.

I would have been nine weeks pregnant. My baby would be growing a skeleton, and its face would be forming—little eyelids and a nose.

There was never a baby, I reminded myself as I pulled into my parking spot at work. It was a cluster of tissue that was never viable.

I leaned back in my seat, tapping my fingers on the steering wheel. The sun was high in the sky, despite it being nearly eight in the evening—the joys of June in Arizona. I didn't particularly enjoy working the night shift, but I needed the extra money after the days I took off. I clipped my ID badge to my shirt pocket and gathered my things before clamoring out of my car.

"Oh, no," my work friend, Cassandra, said when I approached the nurse's station to clock in. She looked bewildered to see me.

"What?" I huffed, trying not to take offense to her greeting.

"The supervisors must have fucked up," she said, wide-eyed. "They scheduled Jackson to work tonight too."

If blood could run cold, mine did. I hadn't seen or talked to my ex-boyfriend since the night at my apartment. Dad helped me get the restraining order and the hospital promised to keep us on different schedules. When I accepted another nurse's shift for tonight, I didn't even think to check whether Jackson was working.

"I'll request to be on a different floor," I said tiredly, trying not to let Cassandra see my panic.

Truthfully, the sting of his hand on my cheek was still as clear as day. His cruel accusations and demands kept me awake at night. I certainly wasn't strong enough to see him while I worked. I had patients to take care of, whose needs and emotions were far more important than mine, and twelve hours ahead of me before I could relax again.

Cassandra watched as I made my way to our supervisor's office, knocking and waiting to be called in. When I heard Michelle's voice inside, I opened the door and offered her a tired smile before stepping inside and closing it behind me. Michelle was an older woman in her late fifties or early sixties, with gray hair and kind green eyes.

"Lucinda, just the girl I wanted to see," she said, though her voice lacked its usual enthusiasm.

"Yeah," I started. "I'm sorry to bother you, but Cass told me Jackson's scheduled to work tonight, and I know it's a pain, but can you please assign us to different floors?"

"About that." Michelle laced her fingers together and placed her hands on her desk. "The hospital board has some concerns about two nurses working together when one of them has a restraining order against the other."

I raised an eyebrow. "I have no intention of lifting the order, if that's what you're insinuating."

Michelle shook her head. "Of course not, sweetie, but the hospital has more important things to worry about than your relationship problems."

"Relationship problems?" I echoed. "All due respect, but Jackson assaulted me; that's not nothing."

Michelle sighed. "Whatever the story is, they've decided we can't keep both of you on staff."

I blinked and straightened as realization sank deep into my stomach. "So, you're firing me."

"We think it would be best if you took a leave of absence until this whole thing blows over," Michelle corrected, as if that made the news easier to swallow.

"Don't bother with the ‘leave of absence' crap," I said, gritting my teeth. "I'll pack up my things now."

"We're short-staffed. Can you stay until the end of your shift?"

I choked down a laugh. "No, I can't."

Without another word, I turned on my heel and left, letting the door slam shut behind me. Cassandra still stood at the desk, eyeing me as I stormed up to her.

"I got fired," I said. "Apparently, this is how women these days get treated when men assault them."

Fury ignited in Cassandra's eyes. "I'll quit right now. Say the word."

I waved my hand. Despite my devastation, her indignation brought the smallest of smiles to my face. "Don't put yourself in financial ruin for little old me."

"Nonsense, I got a job at the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale. I was out of here anyway," Cassandra said. I watched in shock as she practically kicked down Michelle's door and stormed inside. Through the blinds on the window, I watched Cassandra toss her hands in the air. I only caught pieces of what she was saying—something about protecting fragile men's egos and a hospital that couldn't protect women was worth nothing.

Moments later, she stomped to my side and linked her arm through mine. "Let's go."

I could do nothing but follow.

There it was again. The feeling of wanting to run. Needing to run.

I lost my boyfriend. I lost my baby. I lost my job.

I had nothing.

Everything I loved was gone, collapsed and exploded into a cosmic supernova.

I sat on my bed at my parents' house, staring at the wall. My tears were dried and crusted on my cheeks, and my throat felt raw from sobbing into my pillow. It was past midnight, and both my parents were asleep—they were already in their room for the night when I stumbled back through the front door after nine o'clock. I didn't want to wake them to tell them I lost my job; I would tell them tomorrow when they got home from work.

I could find another job, I reminded myself. Cassandra had already promised to make some calls at the new hospital she got a job at, but it was even more competitive than the one we worked at before. I wasn't holding my breath. If there wasn't another hospital in Arizona, I could go to California, New Mexico, or Colorado. There was a time I thought about being a travel nurse; I supposed I could revisit the idea.

I could go anywhere.

I could run away.

My breath caught at the thought.

A year ago, my sister ran away because she lost everything. As it turned out, that was precisely what she needed, and she found everything she had ever wanted.

Even though I supported her and her decisions, a part of me had always seen her move as an overreaction. I'd never understood what Paris could offer her that Phoenix couldn't. Her family was here. Her life was here.

I'd found myself in her shoes, though. I'd lost everything that meant anything to me, and suddenly felt trapped by the four walls of the life I was once so fucking proud of.

I had no desire to move to a foreign country and fall in love with the first man I saw, but I could use a week or two away from everything. I needed to rest and to gain some perspective. Then, I would come home better than ever, with a plan for the future, and all this would be behind me.

I sucked in a breath and pulled out my phone, texting Addie.

Can I come visit?