Chapter 32

" W e'll pick you up around one tomorrow, okay?" Addie said as we stopped in front of my hotel.

"Perfect," I said tightly. I accepted the hug she offered me, careful not to touch her too much. "Get home safe."

She nodded, her eyes softening as she stepped away from me. "I'm sorry this trip didn't go as planned, but I am happy you came."

There was so much unsaid between us. So many apologies. So much anger. I hated to think that she might be okay with sending me five thousand miles away like this and hoped she might say something—anything—else. When she didn't, I inclined my chin and nodded. Maybe this was the first step in Addie's ultimate goodbye—send me home angry so I stopped calling. Perhaps it would be easier for her if I stopped calling long before she had to.

Not if I had any say in it.

"Yeah," I breathed. "It was good to see you."

Addie slipped her hand into Holland's, signaling our goodbye was over. "Get some rest."

Forcing a smile and a wave, I backed into the building. I noticed them lingering outside, watching as I made my way to the elevator, and internally groaned. I stepped into the elevator and went to my floor, trudging to my room.

I waited long enough to be sure Addie and Holland had left before I went back downstairs, lingering in the lobby and peering outside to ensure no overprotective vampires were waiting. When I was positive they were gone, I slipped out and started my walk.

It was midnight, so the café was closed. I crossed the street, walking faster as my heart raced in anticipation. Step by step, I made my way to my death.

I slipped inside Simon's apartment building, glancing behind me to check I hadn't been followed. The stairs creaked lightly beneath my feet. I wasn't surprised to find Simon's door open when I reached his floor. He leaned in the door frame, one eyebrow raised as I stepped out of the stairwell.

Unlike the last time I'd come here at midnight, Simon was fully dressed in black jeans and a black button-up shirt. His hair was perfectly styled, not a strand out of place. He was as stunning as ever. I couldn't help but wonder if he'd been waiting for me.

"Hello, Lucinda," he said.

I crossed the hallway to stand in front of him. My quivering breath gave away my terror, but I inclined my chin anyway. "I'm ready now."

He nodded once and motioned me inside.

I stepped in, knowing I wouldn't come back out alive.

"How will you do it?" I asked Simon after my third glass of wine.

He sat across from me on the couch, swirling blood around in his glass. "I'm not going to tell you."

I winced. "Will it hurt?"

"Probably, for a moment."

I gulped down the last bit of my wine, reaching for the bottle on the table. He made no move to stop me as I emptied the last of the bottle into my glass, filling it to the brim.

"How long will I be dead?" I asked.

He shrugged. "It depends. Sometimes it's a few hours, though it could be days."

"Days," I echoed. "My sister is supposed to pick me up at one tomorrow."

"That seems unlikely."

"I don't want her to worry," I insisted.

"Fine. If you are not awake by then, I will go to your hotel and find her."

"Thank you."

I took another sip of wine, only to realize my hand shook so bad I could hardly hold the glass and the wine inside sloshed dangerously close to the edge. I set it on the table, rubbing my hands on my thighs. I hated how Simon watched me with narrowed eyes, like he was waiting for something.

I wasn't going to change my mind.

"You should take a shower," he said with a deep breath.

"What? Why?" I tensed.

"To relax."

I slumped in relief. He led me to the bathroom, turning on the water for me and leaving a robe on the counter. I resisted the urge to grab him by the collar of his shirt and kiss him. I was furious with him for leaving me the night before, but I didn't let my anger show. I needed him to do this, and I didn't want my feelings or my ego getting in the way.

The hot water turned my skin red as I sat on the shower floor and let it pour over me, tilting my head up to the water stream. I held my breath until I couldn't anymore, shaking the water off my face.

I was going to die tonight.

I stayed in the shower until it ran cold, but I didn't feel any calmer than I had before. I stood and wrapped a towel around me. Instead of drying off, I stared at my reflection in the mirror.

Apparently, I stood there for so long that Simon became concerned. He knocked on the bathroom door. When I didn't answer, he stepped inside. I barely looked at him as he helped me dry off, dragging the towel over my body and wringing out my hair.

"Are you sure you want this?" he asked quietly.

"Yes."

He helped me into the robe, placing his hand on my back and guiding me to the living room.

Where my wine glass had been a while earlier, there was a highball glass full of blood. I stared at it as Simon guided me over to my spot on the couch. He sat next to me and moved the glass closer, though he didn't lift it.

"You need to finish this," he said.

I nodded once. I was feeling the effects of the wine, my head swimming and my heart beating a little too fast.

Simon sighed. "Tell me why you want this."

"I'm going to spend eternity with my sister," I said robotically, staring at the red liquid in the glass meant for me. "I'm going to become a vampire so I'll never be alone again."

"Lucinda," he started.

I set my jaw. "I want this."

He inclined his chin. "I believe you. But we are going to talk through this again, so you fully understand what you're getting into."

I slumped against the couch cushions. "Okay."

"You understand that, to become a vampire, you will have to die?" He began.

I nodded.

"Use your words." Simon's voice sharpened.

"Yes, I understand," I said.

"You will have to consume human blood every day to survive. You understand you will end up killing a human one day? Can you live with taking a life?"

"I'll have to."

"You're actively choosing a life with your sister over a life with your parents? You're willing to say goodbye to them?"

"Yes." My voice cracked. I loved my parents so much; they'd given me everything growing up and been there for me when I thought I would drown in my sorrows. Even though it shattered my heart to know I would have to leave them, I knew in my soul that Addie was the right choice. I would walk through heaven and hell for my sister.

Simon was quiet for a long time before asking his next question. "Are you willing to give up being a mother for this?"

A lump formed in my throat, and I wrapped my arms around my torso. Losing my baby was one of the most painful things that had ever happened to me, and I was ready to be a mother to a child that never lived. I'd never wanted motherhood otherwise, and I had no desire to ever try again . As much as it hurt, I'd come to terms with knowing that life wasn't for me.

I didn't need a husband, child, and white picket fence to live my life.

I could find the same joy in other places. Family in the people I chose to spend eternity with. A home wherever they were.

A partner in the pretty green eyes staring back at me.

I shook that last thought away and sucked in a breath. "Yes, I am."

It was like those words severed the last ties between me and the life I was leaving behind. A weight lifted off my chest, and I drew in the first deep breath I'd taken in weeks.

"And you are ready to die tonight?" Simon asked.

"Yes."

Simon sat back in his chair, taking a long drink from his glass. "As you wish, my darling."

I reached for the glass on the table. It was warm in my hand. I wasn't sure what I expected, but the thought of warm liquid made my stomach churn.

"I have the most ridiculous request," I said, holding the glass out to him.

"What is it?"

"I need ice, or this to be cold. I can't drink it like this," I blurted.

A smile pulled at Simon's lips, but he nodded and took the glass. I watched him walk to the kitchen and open the freezer door, pulling out a few ice cubes from silicone trays and dropping them into the blood.

When he returned, it seemed like the amount of blood had doubled in volume. I gulped nervously, but took the glass from him, which had cooled slightly. I swirled it around a few more times, waiting for the ice to permeate the warmth of his blood.

"For the record," I said as I lifted the glass, meeting his gaze. "I would like to keep seeing you after I'm dead."

Before he could respond, I brought it to my lips.