Chapter 20
I walked up to Addie's apartment building with my arms crossed over my chest. Guilt from leaving her at dinner yesterday gnawed at me more than leaving her at the park.
I needed to stop storming off.
I typed in the code to get into the building, resisting the urge to hold my breath as I climbed the stairs. When I reached the top, every part of me wanted to tuck my tail between my legs and run. I was horrible at apologizing. Two things stopped me. Simon's voice echoed in my head, reminding me I had to spend time with my sister to get what I wanted from him.
And Addie leaned in the open doorway of her apartment, waiting for me.
Her eyes were sad as she stepped back to invite me inside. I pursed my lips to slip past her, looking around the small studio. Holland sat on the red couch near the large window; a highball glass of what could only be blood rested on the coffee table next to him. I stiffened when I realized there were two glasses, the second on the other end of the table across from a pile of blankets where Addie must have been sitting.
Holland watched me with almost predatory precision as I turned to Addie, like he was worried any wrong move would hurt her.
I sucked in a breath. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking, except that maybe I wasn't."
Addie glanced at Holland before she spoke. He nodded and stood off the couch, slipping past me to grab his keys hanging by the door. A moment later, he was gone. Addie led the way across the room, placing herself in her nest of blankets. I sat where Holland had been.
"I'm fucking up this trip," I muttered.
"Do you want to talk about what's going on with you?" Addie asked. She lifted the highball glass in front of her and her hand shook.
"Are you okay?" I ignored her question, realizing how pale she appeared.
"It's been a rough day," Addie said. "Vampire stuff."
"You can tell me," I coaxed. "I promise all of my hysterics are gone. I feel guilty about not being here for you when you needed me. Let me be here now."
Addie's eyes roamed my face for a moment before she nodded. "Holland and I went for a walk this morning. If it were up to me, I'd never leave the apartment—too many noises, too many people, too much—but he's trying so hard to help me, so I'm trying too. We were in a small park with maybe a dozen other people going about their lives. One of them was a little girl. She tripped and scraped her knee." My sister buried her face in her hands.
I watched and waited for her to continue, doing my best to breathe through the pain I felt for my sister.
"I wanted to kill a little girl. More than I wanted anything else." Black veins rippled across Addie's face. "What kind of monster does that?"
"Did you?" I held my breath.
She shook her head. "Thankfully, Holland is much stronger than I am and he kept me next to him until we left the park. I've been here ever since."
Unease buried itself deep in my core. In a few days, I would feel like that too. I didn't have anyone to help me like Addie had Holland. I would have to figure it all out on my own. I shifted in my seat, grabbing a couch pillow and hugging it to my chest to hide my discomfort.
"I'm sorry," I said.
Addie shrugged and pulled a blanket tighter over her lap. "I knew I would become a vampire someday the moment I decided to stay in Paris with Holland. It was inevitable, you know? I love someone who will live forever, so it only makes sense that I would need to live forever too. Oh." Her brow furrowed. "That's what you were saying, isn't it?"
I sighed. "I don't want to talk about it right now, Addie, but yes. I have every intention of spending eternity with my sister."
She frowned. "You always do get what you want, I suppose."
A smile snuck its way onto my face. "I do."
Addie took another sip of her blood, shivering at the taste. Black veins rippled over her eyes, only to disappear a moment later. She took a deep breath. "You want to get some fresh air?"
I didn't bother telling her I'd been outside and on my feet all day, and that I was pretty sure my legs would be jelly if I stood again. "Sure, fresh air sounds good."
Twenty minutes later, we walked along the edge of the Seine and I tried not to notice that the river smelled and was a sickly shade of brown. Dead people and rotting rivers—how was this the City of Love?
I wandered to the edge of the river, peering over the stone edge into the depths with a grimace. When I stood again and looked at Addie, she watched me nervously.
"What?" I asked.
Confused, she tilted her head. "Aren't you afraid of water?'
I paused. "Why would I be?"
Addie seemed genuinely shocked, her mouth hanging open before she clamped it shut. She swallowed thickly. "I've been terrified of water since that time we went Salt River tubing and almost drowned."
I remembered falling off our tubes in the rapids, and I remembered Addie's gurgling screams as I struggled to keep my head above the water. We were pulled out of the water by a couple of strangers, and I vomited on the shore. Someone had to perform CPR on Addie to get the water out of her lungs, but we'd both been awake in the ambulance ride to the hospital—holding hands and oxygen masks.
I hadn't realized Addie had never gone back in the water. I went back to the river the next year with my friends.
"I guess it didn't affect me so deeply," I said carefully. "That makes me sound like an asshole."
Addie laughed once and shook her head. "It's interesting how it was different for both of us." She eyed the Seine behind me with distrust, clearing her throat and taking a few steps away.
"So," I said, changing the subject. "Tell me about your life here."
"Haven't I spent this whole trip talking about myself?" Addie said with a nervous laugh.
"You've been gone for a year, Addie, and you're unrecognizable," I reminded her gently. "I want to know what you've been up to."
"Other than dying?"
I laughed. "Yes, other than dying."
Addie sucked in a breath and smiled. She started quietly, watching me like she was afraid I'd freak out at any moment. The longer she talked, the more animated she became—laughing and throwing her hands in the air. My heart soared to hear her stories of Versailles and the Louvre. She told me about her trips to Italy with Holland and Spain with Willa and Sophie with a cheerfulness I wasn't sure I'd ever seen my sister have before.
She relayed a fantastical story about being chased by pickpockets in London, then followed it with the night she spent in Belgium eating chocolate and waffles until she dropped.
"You're happy here," I breathed as understanding sank into me. My sister had found her place in the world.
Addie paused and nodded. "I am."
I rested my chin on my palm. "So, tell me about Holland. All the dirty details, you've hardly given me anything."
Addie lit up like a firework show at the mention of her boyfriend.
Holland returned a few hours later when Addie and I sat in the window seat with glasses of white wine. Addie had perked up considerably since he'd left, and I watched his eyes soften when he approached her and kissed her cheek. She leaned into his touch; I'd never seen her willingly accept physical contact from anyone before.
"You seem better," he murmured.
"I'm okay." Addie patted his arm in reassurance.
Holland glanced up at me. "Hungry?"
I raised an eyebrow.
Addie laughed. "Holland's an incredible cook. Have you eaten today?"
"I had a cheeseburger for lunch," I said.
Holland pursed his lips, thinking. "Do you like spaghetti bolognese?"
I gave him a thumbs up. He flitted off to the kitchen, pulling miscellaneous ingredients from the fridge. I called after him in thanks.
"So, now we're going to talk about you," Addie said.
I groaned dramatically. "My life isn't as interesting as yours."
"I want to talk about what happened with Jackson."
I flinched, staring out at the early evening haze over the surrounding neighborhood. A warm breeze drifted into the apartment, barely a reprieve from the warm summer sun.
"He was great," I breathed. "I thought he might be the one, you know? I thought I would have everything: a great guy, the perfect baby, a house with a white picket fence."
"In this economy?"
I laughed once. "Okay, maybe not the house." My smile fell. "Then, I miscarried, and everything I thought I knew about Jackson shattered. He accused me of killing our baby, and maybe he was right. He demanded we try again as soon as I could have sex again, and when I told him no, he hit me."
Addie gripped my hand, pulling me back to reality before I sank too far into my dreadful memories. "Okay, first of all, your miscarriage was not your fault."
I shrugged dismissively.
"Absolutely not," Addie pressed, squeezing my hand so hard it hurt. "Why would you think that?"
"It's not like I took very good care of myself," I said. "I worked a lot. I didn't always eat on a schedule, and I've always been shit at drinking enough water."
"That's all bullshit, Indy. That is not the reason you miscarried. None of that was your fault. The cells weren't viable; you know that as well as I do," Addie said. "I know that doesn't ease the ache of your loss, but you have to understand that it was not your fault."
I stared at her, unable to stop a tear from escaping. Addie wiped it away, red tears forming on the edges of her eyes. I watched one escape and trail down her cheek.
"And while I'm at it," Addie continued, her voice cracking. "The way Jackson treated you was not your fault either. You deserve the whole damn world, someone who makes your heart soar."
"I don't know if that exists," I admitted. "I've dated a lot of shitty men."
"Try a vampire," Addie laughed.
"Ah, yes, that's exactly what I need," I teased.
Addie leaned forward and scrunched her nose. "They're incredible in bed."
"Adalyn," Holland scolded from across the room.
We burst into laughter.
I couldn't help it when my mind drifted to Simon and how it felt to have his eyes on me. It felt like I was the sun and he was the solar system.