18. Diem

Icould have followed him. I could have gazed upon his nakedness again. He’d invited me to, and I wanted it. Desperately. I’d dreamed about Tallus more times than I could count, but even in my dreams, I couldn’t figure out how to touch him. Even in my dreams, my perpetual awkwardness persisted. The feelings of inferiority.

The shower ran and I clenched my fists, cursing myself. Hating myself. Hearing my father call me a useless waste of space and knowing he was right. I was a fuckup like always. The sting in my jaw from his most recent attack was enough of a reminder. Not all days were good days to visit Nana. Not all my skills of avoidance worked. Dad was unpredictable, and his aim was better in the morning before he started drinking.

I cleared the garbage from the coffee table.

I paced Tallus’s living room.

More than once, I stared down the hall at the bathroom door, urging myself to knock, to go inside, to strip naked and put my hands on him like I’d been wanting to do since the day he’d fallen off the counter into my arms months ago.

I could envision his nakedness. I could almost see the water sluicing over his perfect body. Was he touching himself? Had I left him wanting and frustrated? It was all I would ever do. I wasn’t made for people like Tallus.

I wasn’t made for anyone.

The shower cut off, and relief flooded my system. The decision had been made for me, and I didn’t have to argue with myself anymore.

Except…

Tallus emerged from the bathroom with a simple white towel wrapped low on his hips, hair wet, and with droplets of water beading along his shoulders and chest. He glanced at where I stood, feet planted at the end of the hallway, and smirked. Sultry and mischievous. It said, you want me, and you know it.

“Been standing there the whole time?”

I didn’t answer.

“Couldn’t do it, huh? Even with an invitation.”

I clenched my jaw, wishing I could speak.

“If you follow me into the bedroom, I’ll suck your dick. No strings attached. I won’t even get my shirt in a knot over the whole iceman thing you have going on.” Then he licked his lips salaciously.

I didn’t move.

Couldn’t.Iceman. The insult barely registered. I knew how I came across. I knew who I was.

Tallus dropped the towel right there on the floor in the hallway and sashayed away with his bare ass on full display to his bedroom. He didn’t close the door, leaving it open and inviting.

I stepped forward, stalled, backed up, and with a growl of frustration, aimed for his bedroom. It wasn’t supposed to happen once, never mind twice. Fucking around with Tallus was a slippery slope, and I was sliding to my doom if I let it happen three times.

But there was no stopping it.

Skin on fire, stomach muscles coiled so tight they hurt, I rounded the corner and found Tallus sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning back on his arms, legs spread enticingly, naked and waiting. His cock was hard. His lower lip was caught between his teeth. The only thing he had on was his dark-framed glasses, and fuck me…

I couldn’t breathe.

“That took less time than I expected.”

He pushed himself upright and got to his feet. The man wore nakedness with a confidence I envied, but why shouldn’t he? He was stunning. A work of art. Centerfold material. Tallus closed our distance, and it took a Herculean effort not to move away when he encroached on my bubble. I pressed my fists to my sides, clenched so tight I was losing circulation. My blood roared in my ears.

Tallus gripped the front of my T-shirt and hauled me the rest of the way into the room—I stumbled when my locked knees didn’t cooperate—and closed the door, pushing me back against it. I was twice his size, easily fifty or sixty pounds heavier. He should not have been able to manipulate me, but I was incapable of resisting.

I didn’t like it. I wanted Tallus to mean nothing. I wanted to find the ability to reject him. I didn’t want him to be in the forefront of my thoughts every night or starring naked in my dreams. I didn’t want to feel weak anymore.

Tallus remained in my personal space. His presence stole the oxygen from the room. I made like a statue, holding the only air I’d managed to steal in my lungs as he pressed a hand to my groin, massaging the swell of my erection through my jeans.

“You’re not going to touch me, are you?”

No, but I wanted to so badly it hurt.

The pressure below increased, and a noise escaped my throat at the building pleasure. A strangled grunt turned moan I couldn’t contain.

“That’s it. You don’t hate me touching you now, do you?”

I shook my head.

“Do you want my mouth on you?”

I couldn’t nod fast enough.

He chuckled. “Words, D.”

“Yes,” I rasped. Tallus had an aversion to my muteness, and I didn’t want to piss him off.

Gaze never leaving my face, Tallus undid my pants and sank a hand inside, stroking me through my underwear. The hot caress was mind-blowing, and my insides turned to liquid. Twice, his attention fell to the cut on my jaw.

Don’t ask,I thought. Please don’t ask. Please don’t ruin this.

He didn’t.

The hand on my cock journeyed up and down, stroking rhythmically. Purposefully. On occasion, he slipped it lower to cup my balls through my underwear, making me grunt, making my stomach muscles tighten. I slammed my head back against the door by accident, overwhelmed and shaking with need.

Tallus’s other hand snuck up my shirt, brushing along my abdomen, moving through my chest hair as it too explored in a way that plagued the reasoning center of my brain. I didn’t know what to do with these sensations. I didn’t know how to respond, so I closed my eyes.

Trapped against the door, uncomfortable with his touch, I somehow yearned for more. I didn’t know where to put myself. My hands remained stuck to my sides even when I told them to move. Even when I knew he wanted me to join in. To touch him back.

The hand on my chest traveled lower again. He pushed my pants and underwear over my ass, letting them fall to the floor, freeing my aching cock. Would he see the scars behind the tattoos on my thighs? Would he get that look in his eyes? Would he ask questions I couldn’t answer?

I pinched my eyes shut tighter.

Hands cupped my ass.

Fingers raked over my quads.

A warm, wet mouth engulfed me.

The worries vanished.

I dared to look. I dared to watch.

Tallus’s hazel eyes peered up as he hollowed his cheeks and took me as deep as he could. His glasses were gone. I didn’t see him take them off. It didn’t matter. Dark lashes framed his eyes, and they were beautiful. Sexy. Sinful. They spoke to me without saying a word.

He used one hand to stroke me since there was no way he could take me to the root. His throat and fingers grasping in tandem felt good. Incredible. I couldn’t stop staring. Tallus’s eyes watered as he worked me with fervor, going deeper than was possible, choking, then coming up. He didn’t stop. He never gave up.

More than once, he broke free for air but would keep a steady pace with his hand, twisting at the top, sending jolts of pleasure cascading over my skin.

Swollen lips. Red from abuse. Wet with saliva. It was too much. I wanted to close my eyes again but couldn’t look away.

I worked at unclenching a fist. I told myself to touch him, and it was okay. But the stress made my erection flag, and Tallus, astute as always, noticed. He didn’t ask. He took my unclenched hand and twined our fingers.

“It’s okay. Just enjoy it.”

I nodded and closed my eyes again, clinging to his hand, unable to let go. My body trembled from the inside out, and I was slipping toward the finish line faster than I wanted. This was the second time I’d done this with Tallus sober, and it was an experience unlike all the rest.

I was close. My orgasm crept up on me, crawling through my veins, blistering sweat along my skin. Tallus’s mouth vanished, and before I could figure out what was happening, he got to his feet and pressed his naked upper half against me. He left enough of a gap between our lower bodies so he could keep stroking. The saliva he’d left behind was plenty enough to help the glide.

Glued to the door, with Tallus’s shower-fresh scent surrounding me, I was trapped. He kept hold of my hand as he worked my cock. Like he knew. Like he sensed the imminent flight tickling the center of my chest.

I didn’t run.

It was too good to escape, no matter how loud my head screamed.

Tallus’s mouth… his lips… they grazed along my jaw, inching closer to my mangled earlobe. If I’d been in my right mind, I would have pulled away from shame, but he had me locked in a trance, cusping the edge of delirium, shaking, and stuck against the door.

His hot breath ghosted my skin. When his tongue joined the party, when he sucked the lobe into his mouth, I came without warning, my whole body jolting and tensing, even though not a single word left my throat.

I squeezed Tallus’s hand without mercy as I rode the wave, fearing letting go. When the intensity faded, I opened my eyes, out of breath, panting, and dizzy. Tallus was right there, body pressed fully against mine, mouth riding the edge of my jaw again, only that time, it was traveling the other way. To my mouth. He kissed the new mark left behind by my father and inched closer to his intended destination.

But I couldn’t.

I knew what he wanted.

Turning away, unable to explain, shame engulfed me. He didn’t protest. Maybe he knew. Maybe he understood. Tallus rested his head on my chest instead. With the door at my back and Tallus glued to my front, I was trapped, but for a change, I didn’t want freedom.

His damp hair brushed my chin, and I shifted to inhale him properly. His scent infiltrated my nostrils, and despite the roar inside my head, I carefully, cautiously rested my hands on his bare hips and held him against me, breathing him in.

For three or four painfully long minutes, we didn’t move. It was the most connected I’d been with anyone in over a decade, and although my head raced and my lungs felt like they were on fire, although I had to fight the urge to break free, I held my ground.

I held him.