14. Diem

He was beautiful. Every damn part of him. His long legs. His taut abdomen. His smooth chest and lean frame. The color of his hair carried a rusty tint of autumn. Earning the sultry twist of his smile was like shaking hands with the devil himself. Tallus’s bedroom eyes, hazel and alluring, looked at me in a way no one had ever looked at me before.

And I couldn’t figure out why.

He wanted things I didn’t know how to give. Affection and intimacy were not in my repertoire. Nothing on earth made me feel more awkward. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to give them, but I didn’t know how.

Glued to the counter, crippled with anxiety, Tallus’s words played over and over inside my head. “Don’t make me regret this.” But I would. I already was. Anonymous men couldn’t share their disappointments because I ensured I was gone when the sex was over, and we never saw each other again.

Tallus wasn’t anonymous, and no amount of shaking him off had worked to shed him from my life. He was always there, if not in the flesh, then inside my head. A perfect image. A man beyond reach.

A dream I could never have.

Or was he? He was asking me to reach out right now and take him, but I couldn’t move.

Tallus was charismatic, confident, and charming beyond belief. Everything I wasn’t. Why me? How had I fallen down this rabbit hole? How did I get out?

Did I want to?

I couldn’t take my eyes off him, yet all I wanted to do was look away from shame and embarrassment. I couldn’t compete with his beauty or energy. I couldn’t compare. He was crisp and new, and I was worn and ruined.

“Diem.” My name on his lips was like a prayer, asking, begging, drawing me in.

Tallus held out a hand, beckoning me closer. An invitation.

“Pay me some attention,”he’d said.

I could do that, but would it be enough?

It took effort to release the counter, and when I did, I didn’t reach for his extended hand. I couldn’t. Three steps brought me closer—it was like walking with two left feet. One more took me into his personal space. My skin came alive. My brain told me to stop. My dad’s voice reminded me I would never be enough. I was useless.

An embarrassment.

A waste of time and space.

Tallus was a head shorter. I peered down into his beautiful face for a long minute, absorbing his features, memorizing every gentle curve and angle of his cheekbones and jaw before dropping to my knees.

“Oh shit,” he breathed.

Eye to eye with his flat stomach, his erection bumped my chin. I glanced up, ensuring it was okay to proceed. A man like me required permission always. I was too threatening, too daunting, too fearsome to assume.

You’re good for nothing. You ruin everything you touch. What the fuck is wrong with you?

The past had its fingers around my throat, squeezing, suffocating.

I waited, ready to back down at the faintest hint of negativity.

“Holy fuck, D.” Tallus’s pupils swelled, swallowing the hazel. “Please. Fuck yes.” He took himself in hand and guided his length to my mouth.

Most men I picked up on Spark did this kind of thing to me. I rarely returned the favor. It rarely crossed my mind. Once things with those men were good and started, they let me use them any way I wanted, which was always fast, furious, and impersonal.

I didn’t kiss. I didn’t touch. I didn’t talk.

When it was over, we parted ways. But I wasn’t inexperienced at blow jobs either. I’d given a few. The only man I’d ever tried to date had enjoyed them. The bigger issue was not knowing what to do with my hands.

I flicked my tongue over Tallus’s head, circling once before taking him down my throat. He groaned as I lavished attention with the flat of my tongue and sucked hard as I pulled off again. I repeated the action, adding spice and using my throat muscles here and there until Tallus’s breathing turned raspy.

“Holy… fuck…” he panted. “Yes… Oh shit… That’s…” He groaned instead of finishing the sentence. When I peeked, he’d thrown his head back, the long line of his neck showing a prominent Adam’s apple.

When he glanced down, I quickly avoided eye contact, refocusing on the task.

Tallus placed a hand on my head, delicately at first, likely afraid I would react. It made me stumble, but I relaxed the second he moved his fingers over my scalp. Like in the Jeep earlier, it settled something inside me. It unknotted the ball of worry in my chest. It was calming. Soothing. I never wanted him to stop.

“Fuck, D… Yes… Oh shit… Like that… God, that’s good… Holy fuck…”

I kept my hands on my thighs, clasping my pants in tight fists. Tallus guided himself in and out of my mouth, and I let him set the pace until it must not have been enough.

“Touch me, D,” he whined. “Please. You have to. I’m going crazy.”

The words threw off my rhythm. I sucked him deeper, raked my teeth gently along his length as I came up. Some guys liked that. Pain and pleasure. Some hated it.

Tallus shuddered, and his fingers dug into my scalp, drawing me closer. “Shiiit. Fuck me… Holy… Diem…”

I did it again, and he thrust encouragingly faster and harder.

“Christ… D, fucking touch me already.”

I was failing. I needed to get my shit together. I tried to release the hold on my thighs but only managed to let go for a second, still unsure where I should put my hands. Touch him how? Where?

Tallus released my head, and his fingers traveled over my shoulder and down my arm an inch or so. “Give me your hand.”

You’re a moron. A no-good fucking moron.

Regret consumed me.

You’re a failure.

“D,” he whined. “Your hand. Please.”

I couldn’t think and suck cock at the same time. Everything was falling apart. I pulled off and peered up, expecting anger or frustration. I saw neither.

Beyond Tallus’s flushed cheeks and ragged breathing was patience. Understanding, but that couldn’t be right. “Hand, Guns. Give me your hand. Trust me.”

I gave him my hand. He waved for the other. I gave him it too.

He placed them on his thighs, securing his own hands on top so I couldn’t pull away. His skin was hot to the touch. Invigorating.

“Get to work. Let me enjoy your mouth a little longer, then you can fuck me however you want.”

My cock ached and swelled at the suggestion.

It was a heady rush to feel his bare skin under my palms. I stared at his length, licked my lips, absorbed his lingering flavor on my tongue, and resumed.

Tallus let me get started before moving my hands to his ass, and fuck my life, it was a perky and firm ass. Hard and soft. Perfect. I’d been inside it once before but never felt it like this. His glute muscles tensed as his pleasure grew. Requiring guidance was embarrassing but caressing him was exhilarating. I lost myself in giving him pleasure and more than once firmed my grip and drew him closer until I was choking on his cock, eyes watering.

“That’s it… Yeah.”

Tallus moved his hands back to my head, which meant he wasn’t holding me in place anymore. I could let go. The instinct was fierce, but I didn’t. I continued sucking and squeezing his ass until his knees trembled so much, I worried he was going to collapse.

When he warned me off, I stopped.

“I’m gonna fucking come if you keep it up.” He stepped back, and I sat on my heels, staring up at him, a servant on my knees, waiting for instructions. “Get a condom.”

As I stumbled to my feet, Tallus moved to the love seat. My head was scrambled. I’d never felt so inept with sex, but Tallus had expectations. Tallus had taken control to ensure I met those expectations, and all I could think was, I’m failing, I’m failing, I’m failing. I’m not going to satisfy him. He’ll hate me even more when he realizes I can’t be fixed.

I found a condom.

Tallus kneeled on the couch, bracing his hands against the back cushion as he peered over his shoulder, ass on display. “Do not make this impersonal, Guns.”

Right. But what did that mean?

I undid my belt and pants. Should I take them off? Get naked? I didn’t want anyone to see the damage under my clothes. What was already visible to the world was enough to cause people to whisper behind my back.

I kept my pants on.

Condom.

Plenty of lube.

Don’t make it impersonal,I reminded myself.

Fuck.

I coated a few fingers with extra lube and coached myself into slowing down.

I needed a drink. Several. I was too sober for this. I never fucked sober.

I was too alert.

Too aware.

Too liable to overthink.

Tallus groaned when I worked him open. First, one finger, then two. Unsure what to do with the other hand, I placed it tentatively on his hip, keeping him motionless. It felt awkward, but he’d said to touch him, so I did.

When he cursed the size of my fingers, I slowed down. When he begged me to get to it, I listened.

It was surreal how many times I’d fantasized about Tallus. I couldn’t understand him. The man could have anyone he wanted. Why was he inviting me to do this with him again? Me.

Because I didn’t want him angry, I kept my hands on his waist. The heat of his skin was intoxicating, almost as good as the feel of his ass around me as I sank into his body.

Tallus groaned at the intrusion.

I closed my eyes and let the sensations take me away. I was someone else. In another dimension. On another planet. Negative energy didn’t exist. I was free from the binds that strangled my life. I floated. I soared. I wanted to stay in this place of disconnect.

In no time, the pleasure mounted. The noises spilling from Tallus’s mouth infiltrated my thoughts, drawing me back to the present. Those beautiful, throaty sounds fueled me. Tiny grunts, long moans, and several curses. He whimpered and writhed. He clutched the couch cushion in tight fists.

When he rested his face on the back of the couch, his flush cheeks were on full display, lips parted and glistening. When he opened his eyes and caught me watching, I looked away. Ashamed.

I moved faster, taking cues from his mumbled words and how he drove himself backward, meeting my thrusts. When he asked for more, I gave him more, even when I worried I’d hurt him.

It took effort to stay present. It was overwhelming, and I wanted to drift away on a cloud of sensations alone. But seeing Tallus like this, undone, exposed, raw, and open, was mesmerizing. I wanted to please him. I didn’t want him to have regrets.

Without much warning, Tallus cried out, ass clamping around me as his orgasm hit. It was sudden and unexpected, and I worried I hadn’t been paying enough attention to know it was coming. It didn’t take me long to find my own. It was a heady feeling that melted away the stress I’d carried all day. I rode the wave of pleasure, closing my eyes as I clung to the edge of the atmosphere, trying hard not to vanish.

When I pulled out, Tallus collapsed to his side, groaning. “Fuck me. That’s a lethal weapon you’re packing, Guns. I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.” His glasses were askew, and the look in his eyes showed haziness. He scanned me up and down and chuckled. “One of these days, I’ll get your clothes off.”

I peered down at my barely exposed body. Unsure how to respond, I escaped to the bathroom to dispose of the condom and find a wet cloth because there was spunk on the couch. I tucked myself away, took a few deep breaths, and returned to the other room. I found Tallus sprawled lengthwise, legs draped over the arm, nakedness on full display. He had no shame. But why should he?

He accepted the cloth, wiped his hand and the mess, and tossed it aside before resuming his scan of my person. I wasn’t sure what to say or how to act.

He huffed with an edge of humor. “You’re a work in progress. It was a modicum better. Bravo. Still a touch chilly, but you’re getting there.”

I wasn’t sure what to say. It wasn’t exactly a compliment.

“Give me a few minutes, and I’ll take off.”

I grunted, shifted my weight, and went to find the beer I’d started earlier. It was warm, but I didn’t care. Maybe Tallus expected an invitation to spend the night, but I couldn’t make it. I never spent the night with guys. Sharing a bed was unfathomable. I wouldn’t know how to relax and sleep.

I found another beer when the first was gone, drinking it at the counter. When Tallus got up and dressed, he approached, keeping a few feet of distance. He stood unmoving as though waiting for something. I stared at the floor between us, unsure what to say or how to act.

When he was silent too long, I dared to look up. I dared to meet his eyes.

He smiled. It was soft and full of sympathy. “That was hard for you, wasn’t it?”

I didn’t respond. My skin felt too tight.

He moved closer and rested a hand on my jaw. I froze, unsure what was happening. He bussed my cheek and backed away. “Good night, D. Don’t be a stranger. I still want to help with the case. You have my number.”

I watched him go without saying a word. The damp impression of his lips on my cheek remained long after he was gone. I couldn’t remember the last time anyone had kissed me.