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10. Diem

Freshly showered and with my blood pressure at a safer level, I drove home. Two hours sweating it out in the gym had made my muscles trembly, especially since it was my second visit of the day, but it had also taken me down a notch.

Dr. Peterson had been inside my head the entire time, coaching me through the episode with my father. I was craving a smoke and a hard fuck, and I knew the second I got home, I would crack a beer—despite the hypocrisy of the idea—and drown whatever remained of my troubles. Having an alcoholic father had not turned me off the drink. It should have, and I wanted nothing more than to eliminate all the nasty habits I’d developed as coping mechanisms, but the strain was too much.

I was my father through and through. No amount of therapy had changed me. It was an ugly fact I had to live with for the rest of my life.

Maybe I would log into Spark and find a willing body to alleviate the rest of my stress.

Except, when I exited the stairwell on the third floor of the building, I found Tallus leaning against the wall beside my office door. I stalled, joints growing sticky with shock, nerve endings still snapping and popping from my workout.

But was it shock? Tallus’s appearance was not surprising. The man had an itch for detective work. He’d wanted to talk earlier, and I’d shut him down. I should have known it wouldn’t be easy to shake him after enlisting his help. What had he said on the phone earlier? Something about information? My head had been too scrambled to take it in. It looked like there was no avoiding him now.

This was a bad scene. Episodes with Dad left me in pure fight mode. They turned my blood to lava and left me wanting to hit, scream, or fuck.

Three things I didn’t want to do with Tallus. Although, the latter was a matter of debate.

Burying those urges, I ducked my chin and trudged down the hall, staring at the shit-brown carpet as I thumbed my keys. The jitters were back. My blood pressure was rising. The craving for a smoke grew more intense, and I couldn’t remember why I’d bothered quitting in the first place. I was crippled by the old man and should roll over and admit defeat. What was the point? The last thing I wanted was a stupid piece of gum. They didn’t calm me down. They did shit all for my upset system.

No. I needed a beer, a smoke, and…

Spark. I needed Spark, not Tallus.

“What are you doing here?” I snapped as I fumbled the key into the lock. I knew my tone was unfriendly, but I couldn’t help it.

“I wanted to share what I found.”

“Could have waited.”

“Sure, I considered coming back tomorrow night, but as I was on my way home from my mother’s, I figured I’d see if you were around. I haven’t been waiting long. You all right, Guns?”

I grunted a nonresponse and entered the office. Moving through the dark interior, I aimed for the door to my homestead. I keyed in and found the light switch, bathing the room in a harsh white light. After the day I’d had, it pierced needles across my skin. I wanted to dim it but had no way to do so. Had Tallus not been following on my heels, I’d have left it off, found a beer, and sat in the glow of the TV with my eyes closed to decompress. The less stimulation, the better.

But no. Tallus had shown up. Model-gorgeous Tallus. Tallus, who was always one step too far into my business. Tallus, whose allure was far more appealing than some stranger’s on Spark.

Of course he decided to poke his nose where it didn’t belong. It was what he did. This wasn’t about the case. It wasn’t an exchange of information like he claimed. He’d overheard a catastrophe on the phone and was curious. He was nosing into my personal business.

I tossed my gym bag in the corner with the rest of my dirty clothes, making a mental note to head to the laundromat the following day, then aimed for the fridge.

“Beer?” I mumbled.

“Sure.”

I uncapped a pair and handed him one, taking a stance in the middle of the room, not inviting him to sit down while hoping he would get to the point and leave so I could browse my app in peace. So I could find a nameless, unimportant—hopefully too drunk to make demands—guy to bring me down the final few pegs so I could sleep. Either that or I was quitting quitting.

Again.

Tallus didn’t look like he was going anywhere soon. His attention was on Baby’s aquarium. She wasn’t in her hollowed-out log and was stretched long across the front of the glass. It was almost feeding time. She was far more active in the days leading up to her big rat dinner.

Surprisingly, Tallus approached Baby’s aquarium and squatted to be at eye level. In the past, he’d shown nothing but repulsion toward my pet. “Will she get much bigger?” he asked.

“Some.”

“How much is some?”

“Female red-tailed boas can grow up to seven feet long.”

Tallus’s brows rose. They were nicely groomed and expressive in ways that intrigued me. “That’s insane. Where will you put her? The tank isn’t big enough.”

“I’ll get her a new one.”

He stood, shaking his head. “I still don’t understand what you have against cats.”

“I don’t have anything against cats.”

Tallus studied me, gaze raking up and down my body like a physical touch. I shifted uncomfortably. “What?”

“Rough night?” Sympathy radiated from his hazel eyes.

I grunted, unsure how to respond, unwilling to get into it. Tallus was not one to beat around the bush, and I was not one for heart-to-hearts.

We were at an impasse.

“I didn’t figure you’d want to chat about it.” Tallus sipped his beer, his throat bobbing. “But… maybe I can cheer you up.” My mind slipped into the gutter before he added, “Have you had a chance to look at those newspapers?”

“Newspapers?”

He chuckled. “The ones Beth sent to Olivia.”

“Oh. No.”

“Can we sit?” Tallus motioned to the couch.

I mumbled something resembling agreement but hesitated. The couch was a love seat, and it was not long enough for us to share, considering my personal space issues. For whatever reason, they had grown astronomically in Tallus’s presence. I feared I would slip up if I didn’t keep a solid distance between us. I would make suggestions I didn’t want to make. I would invite activities that would mess up a working friendship—is that what we have? I had no clue. All I knew was the urge to see him naked again was taking over my ability to think.

But we sat, and I did my best not to come across as Frankenstein’s monster. Tallus shifted to face me, folding an ankle under his ass so his knee came to rest on my side of the cushion. He wore fashionable black trousers and a deep purple dress shirt. If he’d worn a tie earlier, he must have removed it. The shirt collar was unbuttoned, sleeves rolled to nearly his elbows.

I clung to my beer but didn’t drink. It was hard to know where to look, so I focused on where his knee invaded my side of the love seat, counting inches.

Tallus removed a paper from the front pocket of his shirt and unfolded it. “Take a look at this. I did some comparing of the two newspapers today, seeking commonalities. There were four overlapping topics of relevance. I mean, there were tons of others, but considering our situation, I felt they were dismissible. What do you think?”

I took the paper and scanned it. Abuse on prostitutes in the downtown area, a politician making a fool of himself—shocking—a York University professor selling drugs and sleeping with students, and a drag queen story time at a local bookstore.

Tallus had made notes on each, but I couldn’t see how any of it connected with the case. I peered questioningly over the top of the paper.

“I know, I know. They seem like random everyday news events. Nothing special. But we know there’s an elusive bastard involved, right? He’s the question mark. His email implied… more or something else. So I asked myself. Who is our elusive bastard, and how does he tie in?”

“Maybe he doesn’t.”

“Or maybe he does. You just have to get creative. He expressed concern about keeping Noah quiet. He knew something of relevance. What if Noah was somehow tangled up in the assaults on these prostitutes? I mean, if Faye thinks he’s a cheater, why not turn him into an abusive cheater? Why not consider he was involved with them? Beat them. Raped them. Who knows? It could explain why the police showed up. They suspected him. It could explain his sudden fear. What if he was arming himself to defend against an angry pimp? There’s your elusive bastard.”

Tallus’s delivery was full of energy. He radiated with it, and it made him even more attractive. I drank my beer and stared at the glow emanating from his eyes.

His theory was convoluted, but I didn’t have the wherewithal to stop his momentum. He was on a roll, and once he was sure I was following his breadcrumbs, he continued.

“Next, we have the politician. They’re always fun and full of dirty secrets. Okay, so, I don’t know how his story would fit, but…” Tallus paused, raking his teeth over his bottom lip as though building the suspense. “He and Noah are the same age, and… they went to the same public school. Don’t be shocked. I did research. It probably doesn’t mean anything. I mean, who stays friends with someone from grade school? And I have no proof they even knew each other back then, but it’s not something I could dismiss. Even tiny clues are clues, right? Okay, I know, don’t say it. I’m grasping at straws. Let’s move on.”

I was barely paying attention, more intrigued with the intensity with which Tallus spoke. More consumed by his mouth and hands. The spicy scent of his cologne fueled my desires. In a moment of weakness, I found myself wanting to touch him, but I didn’t know how.

I drank deeply from my beer instead.

“I’m not sure about the York professor either. I know that Noah went to York, and this guy taught there at the time. It’s a loose connection, and I don’t know if Noah would have taken any of his classes. But the drag story time event made me curious. I could spin tales with that one.”

Tallus rubbed his hands together and paused with an anticipatory look gleaming from his hazel eyes. I realized he was waiting for a response, so I grunted, unsure what to say.

It must have been all he was looking for.

“What if… Hear me out. What if Noah had a secret?”

“We all have secrets.”

“Sure, but what if his secret was that he dressed in drag, and his wife didn’t know? What if he had a gay lover? What if someone at these protests threatened to expose him?”

Again, Tallus paused, seemingly waiting for a response. None of it made sense. He was a thirsty man in the desert racing toward mirages. Spinning tales, as he said. None of it fit, but I didn’t want to burst his bubble. His excitement was intoxicating, and so long as he was talking, I could watch. I could soak up his presence.

I made a noncommittal noise and rose to find more beer.

“You don’t believe any of it, do you?” Tallus asked as I pondered the line of bottles in the fridge. “Beth pointed out something from both those newspapers. I spent all day going over them. I’m telling you, one of those pieces is relevant.”

I grabbed a half-empty bottle of bourbon from the freezer instead, taking a few swigs before turning to face Tallus. By planting my ass against the counter, I didn’t have to rejoin him on the couch.

“I can look into them. I still have to check out Beth, so maybe I’ll learn something more from her.”

“That’s it?”

I shrugged. “She’s the one who seems guilty of the affair or at least somewhat entangled with Noah.”

“When will you start that?”

I shrugged again, sipping the liquor. I had a feeling the newspaper articles would send me on a goose chase with a predictable ending. Tallus was inventing a far more dramatic outcome. The truth was simple. Noah was a cheating husband.

The end.

Be it with Beth, or Olivia, or both, it didn’t matter.

Maybe the drag idea wasn’t as far-fetched as I originally thought. If Noah was leading a secret gay life, he might have tangoed with the wrong person. Hell, if that was the case, maybe the wrong person was Mr. Politician, whose career might get worse if people found out he was involved with a man.

Now I was twisting shit up like Tallus. Great.

Could it explain the sheer volume of home protection Noah had acquired before he killed himself? Clearly, the man had felt his life was in danger. But by whom? And in the same breath, he took the coward’s way out. Why? Fear of prison? Fear of exposure? Exposure of what? An affair? It hardly sounded right. Who cared if he was caught cheating? So what if Faye divorced him? It wasn’t the end of the world. Olivia’s husband wasn’t exactly a threat. He was a stay-at-home Dad. A softy from what I’d gathered. I doubted he could kill a spider, let alone a man who’d cheated with his wife. I hadn’t looked into Beth’s husband. A gay lover? An anti-drag protester? A politician’s thug?

Okay, I could see a politician posing a threat. Those fuckers thought they were gods and would protect their reputation at all costs.

I drank more bourbon as new ideas tumbled around my head. Spinning tales. Good grief. I forgot Tallus was even there until he removed the bottle from my hand and helped himself to a sip before putting it on the counter out of reach. A warmth seeped through my veins. I’d swigged far more than I realized and was on my way to a decent buzz.

“Your brain is whirring so loud I can hear it. What are you thinking, Guns?”

I was thinking I’d had enough for one day. I was thinking Dad had tipped me over the edge, and my stress level, although better, was still way too high. I was thinking about how Tallus had looked naked with my cock halfway down his throat. I was thinking it wouldn’t be so bad to end up there again. Fuck rules. Fuck Spark.

Tallus caught me staring at his mouth, and he grinned deviously. “Tsk, tsk.” He reached out and swiped a thumb across my bottom lip. I reacted with a jolt but couldn’t move away since I had the counter at my back.

“Relax. I’m cleaning up your bourbon dribbles. You’re almost drooling. I’ll take it as a compliment.”

I licked my lips in response, my neck burning with heat. It climbed to my cheeks, and I wanted to push Tallus out of the way, but I couldn’t move.

Tallus dragged his fingers down my chest before letting his arm fall to his side. “I thought we weren’t going there again. You made it perfectly clear last time, remember? But let’s be honest. It was a mess. Do we really want to make things awkward?”

No. The answer was no. “You should go.” It was the safest solution.

Tallus chuckled. “Afraid you can’t control yourself?”

I knew I couldn’t.

Tallus had no idea how those five words encompassed my entire life. He had no idea how I fought day and night to be sure I was in control. It was exhausting.

He touched my arm and traced the contours of my tattoos. The delicate motion of his fingers was like a branding iron, making the permanent marks all the more permanent.

His voice was hushed when he asked, “What do these symbols mean? What does it say?”

I couldn’t think straight. I could barely sort out how to breathe. “You should go,” I said again.

He squeezed my arm. “Sure. If that’s what you want.”

It wasn’t what I wanted, but it was the only answer.

A hint of disappointment surfaced in Tallus’s hazel eyes. He couldn’t possibly be upset I’d turned him down. Was he? No, it was the case. I was dismissing him again, and he wanted to be part of it so badly. He’d spent a whole day examining those newspapers, bringing me his findings. And I was kicking him out.

“When do you get off tomorrow?” I asked.

“Five thirty.”

“I’ll pick you up. We’ve got work to do.”

The intensity of Tallus’s smile hit like a punch in the gut, knocking the wind out of me. It spread through my veins and made my skin feel too tight. I couldn’t look at him, but I sensed his happiness at being included, and for some fucked-up stupid reason, making Tallus happy made me feel like I’d done something right. It was a tiny win for a guy who had spent a lifetime doing everything wrong.

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