17. Nico

17

NICO

“ W hat?” I rubbed at my ears, hoping they were just clogged and I’d heard Cyrus wrong. “Sorry, could you say that again?”

“I’m falling in love with you,” he repeated, more finality in his voice this time.

For me to say that he loved me was one thing, but for Cyrus to profess his love was a whole other thing and it was not something that I wanted to hear.

“Oh, well, Cyrus, I’m, um…I’m flattered. Really, that’s such a sweet thing to say. Don’t you think it’s a little early to declare something like that, though? I mean, we’ve only known each other for a week. We can joke about being soulmates all we want, but it’s probably best not to take it seriously.”

“Even if it’s the truth? I can’t hide my feelings, Nico.”

“No, I guess not. Well, uh, thank you.” I stammered through a painful struggle to come up with words – any words – to tell him. “I – I don’t know what to say.”

Cyrus didn’t respond. He was waiting for me to profess my love back, but I couldn’t do that, not even after the level of intimacy we’d reached minutes before. Maybe there was something wrong with me, but it didn’t matter: Cyrus expected an answer right and I couldn’t give him the one he wanted.

“Hey, is that the time?” I craned my neck to look over at my phone on the nightstand. “I should get going. I need to be up early tomorrow for work and I didn’t sleep super well so I might take a nap when I get home, plus I need to clean the house a little and I’m sure I’ve got some texts to respond to by now, since I haven’t checked my phone in over a day –“

“Nico!” Cyrus held a hand up before pressing the fingers of that same hand against my lips. “Stop rambling. I understand what you’re trying to say, and there’s no need to be afraid to say it. You don’t feel the same way, but that’s all right.”

“It is? You’re okay with that?”

Cyrus smiled a little too cheerfully. “I have to be, don’t I? And you’re right, I think it would be best if you leave now. I’ll be spending the afternoon washing bedding and tidying up the clutter we left around, and there’s nothing particularly fun or sexy about that.”

“No, there’s not.” I chuckled nervously. “I’ll see you again soon. Tomorrow after work, maybe?”

Cyrus was silent for so long, I thought he might have fallen asleep. When I looked over at him, though, his eyes were wide open and he glanced back at me. His answer was disappointing:

“Let’s wait until next weekend. I need some time to think things through, I suspect you’re going to need a chance to let your muscles recuperate.”

He had a point. My jaw ached, my fingers were stiff, and my head felt full of stuffing and twice its usual size from a lack of sleep.

“Okay, I’ll see you in a week, then.” I got up, scooping my pile of clothes off the floor.

I really wished I had something a little fresher to put on, but these would do until I got home. I made a mental note to pack a small bag of things next week, as Cyrus’ deodorant and toothbrushes worked fine, but were a little overpowering for a mere human like me.

I said one last goodbye at the front door and headed out, the late morning sun nearly blinding me as I walked to my car. Someone had left a note on the windshield asking me to please move it and I made another mental note to find somewhere better to part next time.

It was lonely not having Cyrus around, and even lonelier when I imagined getting to the weekend only for him to call me and tell me he’d changed his mind. He wasn’t the kind of man to renege on promises just like that, but after that painful conversation in bed, I wouldn’t exactly blame him. A week was both an eternity and a split-second of time for us to think things through – for Cyrus to think things through, anyway. I already knew what I wanted, and I knew that I wasn’t going to get it.

I still didn’t want to stop seeing him, not when we were finally starting to understand each other. But it felt wrong to stick around and get what I wanted when I refused to give him the only thing that he desired. I could lie and tell him I loved him after all, but he would sniff a lie like that out immediately and there would be no walking back a false declaration of love. Not with Cyrus, anyway.

I just wasn’t a true-love kind of guy and I couldn’t pretend that I was. I learned that after the only man I ever really loved broke up with me, and I’d made peace with it. Not everyone was capable of spending the rest of their days with one person or one monster and if Cyrus expected me to change, that was on him, because I was honest about what I was looking for from the very beginning.

I got back to my apartment and fell into bed, forgetting about everything else except sleep. Sweet, precious, necessary sleep. My troubles with Cyrus could wait another day or two or three, and even if I never saw him again, I couldn’t muster up the strength to care about that anymore right now.