Chapter 33

Agnes couldn't be more grateful for her brothers' company and the constant distraction they provided. Yet, every night was a time when she had to face her reality all alone. It was on one such night that she found herself unable to sleep yet again. Deciding to find a book to read in the library seemed a suitable diversion.

As she approached, light sifting into the hallway from underneath the door caught her attention, and she wondered if Harriet was up reading late, as usual. When she opened the door, however, she was surprised to find her husband instead.

Theodore was hunched diligently over his desk, utterly vested in whatever had him occupied. He looked up when he heard her entrance.

"I didn't realize you were in here. I thought it was Harriet," Agnes said as he gained his feet. "I have no wish to disturb you," she added, turning to leave the room and preserve the solitude he seemed to prefer.

"Wait!" he called out.

Agnes did not stop, continuing her exit without looking back, the weight of their strained interactions too heavy to pause for another potentially painful exchange.

"Please don't go, Agnes," he quickly caught up to her. She felt his hand, gentle but firm around her wrist, stopping her. "I'd like for you to join me." He utterly surprised her with this request.

Agnes swallowed. Why would he desire her company when she was nothing to him? Nevertheless, she wanted to stay. Even if she was nothing to her husband, she desired his company more than he would ever know.

"I never did get the chance to apologize to you, Agnes," he suddenly said. And she could have sworn that his voice held a nervous edge to it. "I shouldn't have said what I said to you. I am truly sorry."

"It's in the past, Theodore," she dismissed, trying to maintain a facade of indifference. "It doesn't matter."

"It does. Because I know I hurt my wife," he insisted, his expression earnest.

"I am not offended, Theodore," she lied, offering him a reassurance that all was well even though her heart felt otherwise.

Her gaze landed on a small wooden carriage on the desk just then. She recalled the unfinished one she saw the last time she was in his workroom. "Do you like it?" Theodore's gaze followed hers. "It's Loralei's. I've finally finished it," he explained.

"Why, you made her a new carriage?" Agnes was equal parts surprised and touched by his thoughtfulness.

"The one she owns now is rather old, don't you agree?" He ran a hand through his hair, looking somewhat sheepish.

"It's beautiful, Theodore. I'm sure she'll love it," Agnes said, her eyes reflecting genuine admiration. He smiled contentedly, pleased by her appreciation.

She took a seat by his workstation and watched him work, fascinated by the meticulous care he applied to each detail. "This is a new model I'm working on for some merchants," he suddenly began, his voice carrying a mix of pride and anticipation.

"They wish to lease two of my vessels for now, after which they'll hopefully have a ship built for them," he elaborated, his fingers deftly maneuvering over the model's intricate components.

"And you're already working on it? Such admirable diligence," Agnes remarked, impressed by his foresight and the zeal with which he approached his craft.

"Oh, you wouldn't find anyone more diligent," he winked, a playful smirk playing at the corners of his mouth.

"And such humility too," she chuckled, enjoying this lighter, more open side of him that he seldom showed.

"You married a very charming man, Agnes."

"How fortunate I must be!" She placed a hand on her chest in mock exaggeration. Theodore looked at Agnes and his lips parted as if he wanted to tell her something but changed his mind.

"What my sisters told you is true, Agnes. I am in debt," he suddenly said, his tone shifting as he became more serious. "The late Marquess had a grand time drinking and gambling away the Gillingham fortunes."

Agnes couldn't help but notice the raw emotion with which he spoke now. And despite her curiosity, she did not press further for answers. It was already a pleasantly surprising progress that he finally was telling her about himself.

"I am happy about the new contract," she said. Where they'd lost Asmont, there was still hope in other partners at least.

"Theodore?" she began again tentatively, her voice barely above a whisper. He looked up expectantly, his eyes meeting hers with an openness that was rare.

"I know we are not in the most conventional arrangement," she continued, her voice steady despite the ache that referring to their marriage as merely an ‘arrangement' brought her. But that was the reality of their union, and she had come to accept it. "But we are still friends before anything else. And I do not want us to lose that friendship," she finished, her eyes searching his for understanding.

"Neither do I, Agnes," he responded earnestly, his voice firm yet gentle. She felt herself release a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding, relieved by his affirmation.

"I know this is neither the marriage, nor life you dreamed for yourself, Agnes." He took both of her hands and drew her to her feet. "And I apologize for my inability to give you what you truly desire," he added, his gaze dropping slightly in an uncharacteristic display of… Vulnerability?

"What do I truly desire?" she asked, her curiosity getting the better of her before she could stop herself.

"Love," he replied after a moment of contemplative pause, his eyes meeting hers again with a profound solemnity. "I wish things were different, but I cannot..."

Agnes swallowed her hurt before asking, "Why?" Her voice was soft, yet demanded an answer. If anything, she wanted answers to the reason behind her pain at least. He did not respond to her question, unsurprisingly.

"I do intend to keep my end of our bargain," she said, her voice carrying a weight of resignation. For whatever it was worth. He nodded in acknowledgment, his expression unreadable. She slipped her hands from his and took a step back.

Recalling Frances's invitation just, she thought it a good moment to let him know about it. "We have been presented with an opportunity to travel to Town and be seen together after our marriage," she said, willing the tears that stung at her eyes to subside. She needed to remain strong. This was the life she had chosen, after all.

"What is that?" Theodore's gaze was back on the carriage.

"Frances will be hosting a ball in a week, and we are invited."

Theodore glanced up at her. "Then we shall attend." He smiled, but Agnes could not bring herself to.

She glanced blindly in the direction of the mantel clock just then before saying, "It is late. I should return to bed." She used the clock as an excuse to leave, feeling a sudden need to escape the heaviness of their conversation.

"Do you wish for me to walk with you?"

"No, thank you."

"Agnes!" he called as she headed toward the door.

She turned around. "Yes?"

"I…" He cleared his throat, and she felt disappointment envelope her. "Did you not come down here to find a book?"

"I have no need for it anymore. I am quite tired. Good night."

"Good night."

Instead of going back to bed as she had mentioned, Agnes found herself walking out into the gardens after donning a cloak. Amongst the moonlit flowers and cobbled walkways, she couldn't restrain her tears any longer.

In the quiet of the night, surrounded by the beauty of nature that seemed oblivious to her sorrow, the realization hit her hard. She had fallen for a man who would never love her.

How could you have allowed yourself to fall in love, Agnes? You knew his conditions, and you accepted them.What a miserable life this was. She wept, mourning the life and love she would never have.

"I have an announcement." Leslie walked before the fireplace in the drawing room, capturing the full attention of the gathered guests. The chatter and laughter in the room calmed as all their attention shifted onto the girl in front of them. "Harry and I have prepared a performance for you all,"

Agnes' brows rose, and she smiled. Harry nodded and joined Leslie, his violin in hand. "Did you know about this?" Harriet asked Agnes, her eyebrows raised in surprise, too.

Agnes shook her head. "I am as in the dark as you all are," she replied.

"Oh, I knew there was ample talent in this family!" Lady Leighton declared enthusiastically as Leslie and Harry prepared their violins. Agnes had invited the Countess over for tea, seeing it as the perfect opportunity to reciprocate the earlier dinner invitation and introduce her brothers to the delightful woman.

The room was filled with anticipation as the duo prepared to play what seemed like a promising duet. Leslie began, her bow gliding over the strings with a practiced ease that belied her modesty about her skills. Agnes found herself very much impressed by the young girl's playing; Leslie was too humble, she noted, observing the grace with which she handled the violin.

Soon after, Harry joined in. The little boy fumbled a bit with his first notes, his fingers slightly hesitant. But as he found his rhythm, the music swelled, filling the room with a harmonious blend that drew smiles and nods of appreciation from everyone present.

Leslie smiled encouragingly at Harry, and this seemed to dissolve his initial nerves. He returned her smile with a grateful one of his own and picked up his performance. Soon, their melodies flowed perfectly into each other, creating a harmonious blend that filled the room with beautiful music.

"Oh," Lady Leighton sighed deeply, her expression one of profound admiration. Agnes had never seen anyone so captivated by a performance.

There was something hauntingly familiar about the melody the children played, but Agnes found herself unable to place it precisely. Just then, they heard music from the pianoforte join the violins. It was the exact melody the children played, and the introduction was seamless, perfect even.

Agnes turned, expecting to see Harriet at the pianoforte, but the young lady in question was seated beside her. Instead, to her surprise, it was Theodore who was playing, his long fingers gliding gracefully across the keys. Her husband had been out on estate rounds, and they had all been so invested in the performance that no one seemed to have noticed his entrance.

The violin and pianoforte filled the air with the most enchanting tune. As Agnes watched her husband play, she suddenly realized the familiarity about Leslie's choice of melody. It reminded her a lot of the one Theodore had played once before. The two pieces were as different as they were alike. There was that magical melancholy about both compositions that somehow managed to tug at the heart and soothe it at the same time.

"Oh, I never saw such perfect harmony," Lady Leighton gushed as the music finally came to an end. "You lot are indeed the musical family!" She commended, her eyes shining with delight.

Leslie and Harry grinned at the praises the countess showered upon them, clearly pleased with the success of their surprise performance.

Theodore's gaze met Agnes's then, and he offered her a warm smile before turning his attention to his sister and Harry. "I found the old music sheets," Leslie said to her brother, her voice filled with a mix of pride and excitement.

"Did you, now?" Theodore asked, a hint of surprise and curiosity coloring his tone. There was a sudden curious change about his demeanor now, but Agnes couldn't quite decipher it as usual. "Well, you two played them beautifully," Theodore complimented, his voice genuine and encouraging.

"You played beautifully too, Brother," Leslie returned happily, her admiration for her brother evident in her eyes.

Agnes smiled at their exchange, feeling a brief moment of contentment at the family's harmony. But her good humor dissolved immediately when her gaze traveled to a sight which left her equal parts shocked and worried. Harriet was in tears.

When Agnes' gaze met hers, the girl quickly turned in a futile attempt to hide her emotions. No one else seemed to have noticed, however.

Before she could act, Harriet quickly gained her feet and slipped out of the room through the open French doors. Agnes's concern deepened and she wondered what could have brought on such a sudden show of distress.

Agnes had half a heart to follow her, but thought to give her some time, as she clearly would not welcome the curiosity at this time.

"Would you like to go rock fishing with me, Lady Leighton?" George suddenly asked the Countess, his voice breaking the murmur of soft conversations around them.

"Rock fishing?" the Countess echoed, her brow arching in a mix of perplexity and amusement.

"Yes, at the pond," George responded eagerly. He leaned forward, his hands animated as he explained, "We simply look for the fancy rocks in the water and collect them."

Before the Countess could reply, Harry chimed in with a teasing tone, "Since when do you care about fancy rocks, Georgie?"

"I do not care about fancy rocks," George replied, his cheeks turning a slight shade of red. "But I am collecting them with a lady. And Lady Leighton deserves fancy rocks," he added, his declaration earning a round of laughter from those gathered in the room.

"Why, such gallantry at such a young age!" Lady Leighton's laughter rang the loudest, her eyes twinkling with mirth as she looked down at George, who was trying his best to appear the gentleman despite his youthful blush.

Meanwhile, Theodore, sensing a need to divert some attention from young George's embarrassment, stepped forward with a gracious smile. "Perhaps, George you would like to hear about one of my journeys across the Continent, and I dare say, the spectacle of the Alps is quite beyond description."

A wave of interest swept through everyone in the room as Theodore painted a vivid picture. "Envision, if you will, towering peaks, so stately and imposing, yet crowned with the softest snow that sparkle under the sun."

"Papa said we would travel one day, but the day has not come," George said with a slight pout.

"And I shall be leaving for Eton soon," Philip sighed.

"Perhaps, Lord Gillingham, you should take them with you on your next voyage."

George's eyes sparkled at that. "Will you?"

Theodore palmed his nape, seeming uncertain. "I do not know when my next trip would be."

"Whenever it would be, make preparations for three guests," Harry said with a wide grin.

Agnes had to laugh at her brothers inviting themselves on a trip that Theodore had no plans to take. A moment later, her concern for Harriet resurfaced. She couldn't rest easy knowing the girl's state. Quietly excusing herself from the drawing room, she made her way to the salon where she found Harriet, alone and staring out the window.

"Are you all right, my dear?" Agnes asked gently, approaching her emotional sister.

"That was one of Mother's compositions that Leslie played," Harriet explained, her voice soft and wistful, as she turned to face Agnes, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

Agnes now understood why the music reminded her of the one Theodore had played once. And it explained why he seemed very familiar with this melody too and was able to join in as though practiced.

"She made it beautiful on the violin. And a duet too. Most impressive," Harriet commended, her eyes reflecting a glimmer of pride as she spoke of the performance.

"Your talents are all so impressive," Agnes said, her tone genuine, appreciating the musical gifts that seemed abundant in the family.

"We have mother to thank for them," Harriet sighed wistfully, her gaze drifting to the portrait of their mother that adorned the far wall of the room, a reminder of the grace and beauty that had once filled their lives.

Agnes's heart ached for their loss. She reached out, placing a comforting hand over Harriet's. "She would have been so proud today," she offered softly, hoping to provide some solace.

"I did not realize Leslie knew about the old music," Harriet carried on, her brow furrowed slightly in thought.

"I think she found the sheets recently," Agnes recalled Leslie's confession to Theodore in the drawing room, her voice lowering to a conspiratorial whisper.

"No wonder she's been overly secretive with her governess lately," Harriet chuckled.

"Perhaps she helped them practice," Agnes suggested, piecing together the little clues that pointed to the secretive preparations.

"I've always wanted to play Mother's compositions. But I never had the heart for it," Harriet began again, a little sheepishly, her fingers tracing the edge of her handkerchief. "Besides, Theodore wouldn't have countenanced me bringing up those memories. I must confess I was quite shocked earlier when he joined in the performance."

"We all were," Agnes agreed.

"He's been more tolerant of a lot lately," Harriet observed thoughtfully, her gaze lingering on the flickering flames in the fireplace as she pondered Theodore's recent changes. "Thank you, Agnes," she suddenly squeezed her hand in palpable gratitude, turning her attention back with a look that conveyed deep appreciation.

"Whatever for?" Agnes asked, her brow furrowed in mild surprise, puzzled by the sudden expression of thanks.

"More than you could ever know," Harriet smiled back, her smile wavering as fresh tears brimmed in her eyes, hinting at the depth of her emotions. "Theodore could not stand Mother being mentioned in his presence, but tonight he played her music."

Agnes recalled the other night he played, then left her abruptly when she asked questions. "He is still grieving, is he not?"

Harriet nodded. "Very much. I was five years old when she passed away, but Theo was sixteen. He loved her more than anything and spent every moment of his holiday with her. He was never the same after she died. He grew quieter, smiled less—unless he wanted to charm the ton. I understand that he did not share a lot with you, but bear with him."

"I understand his reluctance now, Harriet."

She suddenly wrapped her arms around Agnes. "We are very fortunate to have you."

"So am I, Harriet." Agnes meant every word. Leslie and Harriet were her sisters now, and nothing was changing that. She might never have Theodore, but she had them, at least.