19. Caplan

I have no memory of deciding to walk home. I just let my feet do their thing. Hollis used to say I was like a character in a video game, with infinite lives, popping back up at the same spot after they die. Good as new, ready for the next round, invincible. No matter how drunk I get, I always find my way home.

I realize, as I turn the corner, that I probably only ever made it home all those times because of Hollis. I also realize I'm on my street.

"Cap?"

It's Quinn, standing under the streetlight in front of Mina's house. For some reason, I think he'll come to me, but he doesn't. He puts his hands in his pockets and waits.

"Hey," he says when I reach him.

"Hey."

"Is Hollis okay?"

"We broke up."

"Oh." He peers at me. "You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Well, you look like shit."

"That's funny. Cause I feel great."

"You guys will be back on in no time," he says.

"Yeah. I don't know."

"Prom, latest. I bet you twenty bucks."

"Big spender."

"I bet you… If you guys don't dance at prom, I'll go reverse commando under my grad robe."

"Pants? No briefs?"

"Briefs, no pants."

We shake on it.

"So, what was that about?" he asks.

"Breaking up?"

"Kissing Mina like that, in front of everyone."

"I don't even know."

"Really?"

His hands are still in his pockets and his voice is casual, but he's looking at me carefully. "Cause, you know, I cleared this whole thing with you in the first place cause I had a feeling you might—you know."

"Might what?"

Quinn sighs.

My heart is beating very quickly, and I don't even know why.

"Cause if it's like that, just tell me now. Tell me now and I'll back off."

It pops, like the flash of an old photo in my mind: Mina in the kitchen, crying out with one arm up, incandescent with joy, talking loose threads, deep breaths, and Quinn.

"You don't think, maybe—you don't like her, right?" he asks.

"Right."

"Right you do, or right you don't?"

"I don't," I say.

"Why'd you kiss her, then?"

I shrug. I wish he'd just take the answer and leave me alone. "I dunno. Why do we do anything?"

"The fuck does that mean, Cap?"

"See, right, I was being an asshole. Maybe I got jealous for a second. I'm not proud of it. But yeah, that's all. I don't see her that way. Not for real. I—yeah. Never could."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah. I'm sure."

He nods at me.

"I'm sorry I did it."

"Shit happens," he says. "I kissed Ruby at the Halloween dance in sixth grade."

"When I was dating her?"

"Well, you'd broken up that day."

"I never knew that."

"I missed her mouth," he says. "Too much gas on the landing. But the point is I tried."

He claps me on the back and then heads off down the street, doing a little bell jump at the corner, and I can't help it, I have to laugh.

That night, I have strange dreams. I'm on a road trip, on a bus like the one I used to ride to soccer camp. It shrinks and grows as people get on and off. I have the sense that we're touring the country, and people leave one by one, state by state. None of the passengers are people I know, but I still feel bad each time someone goes. I wonder if I'm going to ride the bus to the end of the line. Maybe there is no last stop, and I'll ride forever. Then I hear voices, low and calm. I can't hear what they are saying, but I know it's my mom and Mina. I stand up to look for them, but I cannot find them anywhere on the bus. I look for them under seats and through a maze of legs and luggage. I realize while I search that I can only walk forward, to the front, not back.

I wake up sweaty and uneasy, with a dry mouth. The events of the night come back to me, and I roll onto my side in case I'm going to throw up. It passes. I push Hollis from my mind and focus on kissing Mina, since that situation is the only one that can maybe be helped. I should text her. Actually, I should walk to her door and apologize. I sit up, and the room tilts alarmingly. I can see the edge of my phone in the corner under the heap of my sweatshirt. Getting to it seems impossible. Then I realize that Mina actually is nearby, downstairs, with my mom. They talk quietly. My mom laughs. I try to understand them. My mom says—I found it in his pocket. It almost went through the wash. I love Chrysanthemum, too. Mina says thank you.

When I wake up again, the light is different, and my phone is vibrating from the floor. I stare at it and contemplate going back to sleep.

My mom opens my door.

"Hey, trouble."

"Don't do it," I say. She flips the lights on. "MMMMMgrh."

"You'll have to get up to turn them off again." She comes and sits on the edge of my bed.

"So what did Mina tell you?"

"Nothing," she says. "She just told me not to wake you up, but to let you know that she's on her way to see her grandparents, and she won't be allowed to check her phone at brunch on pain of death."

She hands me a glass of water and two Advil. I take them.

"You should open a window in here. It smells like despair."

"Can you?"

"Get up, hon. You'll feel better. Greet the morning. Afternoon." She pauses in my doorway. "Mina also said to tell you everything is okay. And not to worry."

"Hm."

"Do you want to fill me in?"

"Will you turn the lights back off?"

She does.

"Hollis broke up with me. Among other things. Yeah."

She sighs. She comes back over and pushes my hair off my forehead. Then she cracks the window. "I'm headed to the hospital. I have a double shift. Can you figure out dinner with Ollie? I'll be home for breakfast."

"Yeah."

"Take a shower. Take a walk."

"No promises. Thanks, though." I take another sip of water.

"Do I want to know if you made curfew?"

"I'm sorry."

"That's okay. One down."

"How do you know I owe anyone else an apology?"

She holds both her hands up. Then she leaves, shutting my door gently.

When I finally get up, there is another single Advil on the counter next to the shower waiting for me.