Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

Jane

" I need your help."

Paige looked at me with raised brows. "What is it?"

I paced the narrow width of my room. "It's a really big favor, and I know we don't know each other very well but—"

"We know each other very well, Jane," Paige cut in. "Will you just stop pacing and tell me what you need?"

I stopped. I turned, looked at her and pulled in a deep breath. "I need you to help me get out of here."

She blinked. "Out of where?"

"I'm putting the Thrail in danger," I said. "I'm afraid of the damage I'll do if I stay any longer."

"Jane, what are you talking about?" Paige said, clearly confused. "You haven't done anything."

"Yes, I have." I hated to talk about this with her, but she had to see why I was asking for help. "The mining accident? That was me. I didn't know it—I don't remember it." I held out my hands. "Somebody takes control of the implants in my body and makes me do things. I have no control over it, and lately I've been having a lot of lost time. More and more, I'm losing control of myself. I'm afraid of what I'm capable of when I lose who I am completely."

Paige sank into a chair, jaw slack as she gazed up at me. "You never mentioned this before."

"I was afraid of what you would think. What anyone would think." I threw up my hands. "I didn't even want to admit it to myself."

"What does the warlord think?"

"He wants to help me," I replied. "He thinks the control can be broken, but no one, not even Urix, knows how."

"I mean, what does the warlord think about you leaving the Thrail?" She cocked one eyebrow. "He doesn't know, does he?"

"No," I said. "But if I stay, I'll be his downfall. The Elders despise me and think I'm influencing him. He and I…" What was the point in hiding this from her? I just admitted that I caused a huge accident in the mine. I might as well admit to having slept with the warlord. "He and I are involved. I care about him. My staying here puts not only everyone, but his ability to rule, in danger." I looked at her in desperation. "Will you help me? You said your mate works on freighters. I was hoping you could sneak me on one." I swallowed hard, knowing I was really testing the boundaries of a friendship that I couldn't even remember.

Her brow furrowed. "It doesn't sound like much of a plan. Even if I could get you onto a freighter, what would you do?"

I closed my eyes and sank onto the edge of the bed. "It doesn't matter. I just need to be away from here. From whoever is controlling my implants. I need to get control of myself again. Then I can figure out what to do next."

Paige did not appear to like my "plan" and I had to admit it wasn't terribly buttoned up. Running away wasn't typically anyone's ideal course of action, but for two nights I'd laid in bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking of nothing but how to solve this problem. Between bouts of lost time, in which I returned to myself with dirty feet, ripped and disheveled clothing, and knowing I had been someplace other than this room. Between shaking in fear and dread, expecting news to come through my door of a horrible deed I'd committed while under another's control. It had become unendurable.

I didn't know how I got out of this room. I hated the nagging worry— what did I do? So far, I had not heard of any major catastrophes happening in the Thrail. But Siku was doing something . Her activities were getting more frequent.

"Who else knows about you and the warlord?" Paige asked.

"Not many," I replied. "Urix. And Siroc may have told his first guard, but I don't know for sure. We speak infrequently these days."

"For good reason." Paige chewed on her lower lip. "There was a lot of talk when the two of you were seen out in public. And it would've been fine if not for the Elders' seer, Elnok, spreading rumors about you." She wrinkled her nose. "There's something about that guy I don't like."

I wasn't going to go into the suspicions I had on Elnok. "I don't like him either."

"You know if you try to leave, the warlord will come after you, right? He's not going to just, you know, let you go."

"Then I'll have to make sure he doesn't find me. Maybe I can go in a disguise."

Paige snorted. "Disguised as what? It's not like there are costume horns lying around for you to dress up in. You can't hide the fact that you are a woman."

"No, but I could hide the fact that I'm me . Women do things around here aside from sitting around making babies, right? There are some who have positions and jobs. I've seen them. They wear uniforms."

"That's true…" She tilted her head and regarded me with a serious look. "Jane, I need you to think really carefully about this. If—and that's a big if —I can help you get off the planet, you could wind up in more trouble than you are in now."

"I'm not worried about trouble for me. I'm worried about the harm I could be doing to everyone else, including Siroc." I looked down at my hands. "I love him. I wish… Well, it doesn't matter. So will you help me?"

She pursed her lips and sighed. "Let me think on it and I'll let you know soon."

"Thank you," I said with a rush of relief. She didn't say no. I clung to that.

She stood up. "I haven't said yes, yet, and even if I did, how would I get you past the guards standing outside your door? I'm not a magician."

"I'll take care of the guards," I said with a wince, knowing that the guards would not enjoy my way of getting past them. "All I ask is for you to help me find a way to get off Mitra."

"I'll see what I can do." She moved to the door and then stopped abruptly, turning back to me. "Oh. I saw this in the unclaimed delivery compartment, in the communication hub. It's addressed to you." She pulled a small datascreen from her pocket and held it out to me. "I don't know when it arrived, but I found it yesterday and thought I'd bring it to you. It must be a message from back home."

I took it with numb fingers and placed it face down on the bed beside me. "Thank you. Maybe it will give me an idea of who I was."

She smiled. "I hope so. Although, if I recall, you never looked forward to getting datascreen messages from home. You'd always turn white as a sheet and take them back to your room to read in private." She raised her eyebrows. "Families can be tough sometimes." She patted me on the shoulder and left.

I sat there, shifting my gaze between the closed door and the screen beside me. Something about it made me afraid to look. Something deep warned that nothing good would be on that device. It was like an echo from a past that was hidden from me, but from which I couldn't escape. I hung on to the positive that came from her visit—Paige agreed to try to help me. That was a win for today.

With shaking fingers, I picked up the datascreen and turned it on.