13. Claire

Excitement, seduction, and embarrassment overwhelm me as Julian lifts me off my knees to kiss him, while he gently tucks himself back into his pants. The silk negligee feels marvelous against my skin. The diamond choker sparkles in a way that makes my eyes twinkle in the light.

Pearl white tufted walls make the dressing room look like the inside of a genie"s lamp, but the expression on Julian"s face is not so magical. The redness from the pain of my mistake fades from his cheeks. He tips his head to the side, dragging his gaze from my mouth down to the hem of the fabric, rubbing the material between his fingertips.

"I want you in black," Julian says, his tone low and alluring. He still wants me, thankfully. His desire for me grows daily. Now that I"m taking an interest in his company, taking on more responsibility, the connection between us delves deeper than lust.

Surely, I"m more than the na?ve little girl he"s been taking care of these past few years. He"s going to see me as a woman who can handle being in a relationship with him. The way he reacts when I tell him to get on his knees is subtle. Although, a joke at first, I wonder what he"ll let me do to him.

We step out of the dressing room after I change back into my clothes. The woman who owns the boutique looks like she could be a model or ballerina, but the sternness in her gaze tells me she knows more about the men in this city than their wives.

"Thank you, Miss Bresnik. Everything here is so beautiful." I smile and marvel at her, wondering about the life she lives and the moments she sees, the exchanges between lovers and spouses.

"Please, come back any time," Miss Bresnik says with a hint of a smile.

Julian motions to Edward who steps away from the guards to escort me to the car. He opens the rear door for me and holds it open, standing in front of the open door.

"You can close it," I tell him. "It"s fine."

Edward"s gaze shifts from me to the SUV"s interior. The level of contemplation on his face shows just how much he believes me.

"I think I will leave this open so we all can have a peaceful night." Edward"s reply is final and I know there"s no convincing him to shut the door.

Still, I want him to trust me as much as Bonnie does. "I haven"t had an episode in months."

Edward furrows his brows before raising one and pulls out his phone. He huffs as he scrolls for a moment before flipping the phone around to show me cowering in the garage as Devon starts the landscaping truck. I groan.

"That"s different. The stupid thing backfired. It sounded like…" I stop, unable to say the word. "It doesn"t matter. You"re right here and you should trust that I"m not going to freak out in the back seat of the car. I"m fine, Edward."

He steps away from the door and closes it slowly, but not completely. I"ll take it.

When Julian finally steps out of the boutique, he"s carrying a few different boxes which Edward takes from him to put in the trunk. When Julian slides into the seat beside me, I shut my door completely before Edward has a chance to do it.

Edward grimaces, glancing at me through the rearview mirror for my passive aggressive ways of provoking him into letting go of my trauma. I appreciate him more than he knows, but sometimes, he needs to loosen up.

The drive is mostly quiet with Julian staring out of the window and Edward focused on the road. My mind wanders to what"s in the other boxes Julian walked out of the store with.

"What"s inside the boxes?" I ask him, curiosity getting the better of me.

"Patience, Claire." Julian"s reply does everything except encourage patience. However, his hand reaches over to pat me on the knee, bringing up memories from the other day. His light taps graduate into slow rubs of his thumb while his mind is obviously elsewhere.

Back at the manor, Julian whispers to me. "After you put away your gifts, meet me in the kitchen."

He gets out of the car, grabs the boxes from Edward and heads into the house. Edward circles around to the door, opening it for me.

"Claire." Edward shoves his hands in his pockets. "Listen, I know you and Julian are …"

I"m mortified. How much does Edward know? Of course, he knows me and Julian are intimate. He"s his Head of Security and best friend. We just left a boutique specializing in lingerie and jewelry where I had Julian"s cock in my mouth. No one saw us, but I"m certain Edward"s smart enough to put two and two together. My face heats with embarrassment.

"I don"t want you to be uncomfortable," I blurt out.

"No, it"s nothing like that. I was just going to tell you that I"m willing to work with you. The truck backfiring and the way your entire body goes rigid in the back seat when you sit by yourself can hinder you in ways you least expect. I"m not a professional by any means, but I can show you some things that worked for me and Julian."

"And Julian?"

Edward turns away as if he"s said too much. "Yeah. If you really want this, be patient with him. Whatever it is you two are doing together, work with him. You"ve met Charleston and Bianca?"

I nod.

He sighs, and says, "And if things get too intense, call me, Claire."

"I will," I assure him as he retreats into the house.

Three blush pink boxes sit on my bed when I get to my room. The biggest box is about two feet long, a foot and a half wide, and six inches deep. Shoes.

Not just shoes, five-inch stiletto, thigh high boots. Black leather thigh high boots that are my size and I"m sure Nina"s to thank for the accurate measurements. The other boxes are smaller, only an inch or two deep, with one holding the lingerie I tried on in the boutique. The other is a black latex number that looks more like a harness than lingerie.

I have no idea where Nina keeps this stuff in the boutique, but it makes me wonder how Julian knows that she sells it. I shake the flashes of Julian"s past from my head. Of course he"s not a virgin. He has a history. Even if he hasn"t been able to fully go down that path, he"s taking a chance by gifting this stuff to me.

I put everything away, wondering when we"ll be able to try them out. After a quick shower and throwing on a simple tank and shorts set, I head to the kitchen where Julian"s standing in a pair of loose-fitting pajama pants. Shirtless, with a triangular pattern of chest hair that makes him look far less clean-cut than the suits he wears to the office every day.

He places a glass onto the large wooden table in the center of the room. It"s not for dining, but for meal prep, especially when there are large gatherings held here. The bottle beside the glass lets me know it"s Scotch.

"I took you to Nina"s tonight?—"

"I know to buy your forgiveness. Apology accepted, but forgiveness is pending." I tease, uneasy with the seriousness of his gaze.

The slow sip of the honey-colored liquid mixes with the hardness of his green eyes. My silence is as loud of an apology as I can muster, giving him the space to talk to me.

"Claire, I meant what I said when I told you that you belong to me. The other side of that is me belonging to you. I don"t want to go into this relationship with you, and not have you understand the kind of man I am."

He waits for me to say something sarcastic or a joke to ease the tension, but I"m listening intently. From Edward"s words to me in the garage, to this moment in the kitchen, there"s more to Julian as a lover than simply fucking me like he"s angry that another guy finds me attractive.

"I"ve told you some things about my childhood. What I haven"t told you is how I"ve coped with those battles. Do you know what a dungeon is, Claire?"

I keep my eyes fixed on him as I speak. "There are dungeons like the ones you find in Medieval castles, and then there are sex dungeons where people like to beat each other up or something like that. Is that what your darker side is about, Julian? You"re into BDSM?"

"Have you ever been to one, or seen one?" he asks.

"Is this some sort of a test? I"ve never sucked dick before and look what happened. You think at some point since my eighteenth birthday I"ve managed to sneak out and find my way into some sort of sex dungeon?" I ask him.

"You wouldn"t have to sneak out to see one, Claire."

My heart races as my eyes dart around the room. We"re in the kitchen. I know every room in the manor. I don"t recall any of them having whips and chains.

"Where is it?" I ask him.

"There"s a butler"s room and pantry I"ve converted into a playroom of sorts, but I don"t want to take you down there until we set some ground rules."

"Rules like what? Safe words," I toss the words out like I know it all because I've heard a few things.

"We"re nowhere near that yet," he replies in a tone that"s too close to his business voice. "I want you to meet someone. She can explain things a lot better than me, and she can guide you, well, us."

"You mean like a sex therapist? I know I scraped you with my teeth, and I"m sorry about that. I can do better, but I don"t want some random woman you fucked trying to teach me how to fuck you."

He shakes his head, biting his lower lip and downing the rest of his drink. "That"s one hell of an assumption, Claire. Malia"s a doctor. She has a PhD in Psychology and a bunch of other fields. Have we had sex? Yes. Is she going to teach you what I like? No."

"Then what"s the fucking point?" I ask angrily. I hate how jealous I feel about this woman I"ve never met.

"The point is for you to be comfortable telling me no."

My heart flutters, thumping harder and harder against my chest. "What do you mean?"

He pours himself another drink. "You"re so young, Claire. Being with a man like me is hard enough, but at your age? Most women bend over backwards to do anything I ask them to. Anything. My looks persuade some to appease my sexual needs. My money guarantees it from others, but from the woman I want to be with, I need her immune. I need you to be able to say no. Not a safe word, a hard no, and mean it, Claire."

"What would I say no to?"

"Some days I like to be the man that claimed your virginity. Other days, I don"t mind getting on my knees and have you inflict some pain. But I have triggers that make it easy for me to slip inside my head and forget that we trust each other. Malia"s like a guide through the fucked-up parts of me. She"ll help you develop a map to help you out of my fucked-up parts." He pauses, staring into my eyes.

"Can"t you do that for me? Can we take our time and just learn along the way?" I ask him, still uncomfortable with the idea of another woman involved in our sex life.

He sighs and downs another drink. "I don"t want to hide that side of myself from you, Claire. But you said something to me before, so did Edward, that made me want to talk to you about this."

"What did Edward say?"

"He told me to be honest so I don"t hurt you. That"s the short version, anyway."

I decide to tell him what Edward told me. "Edward told me to be patient with you. I mean just you. He didn"t say anything about being a patient."

He snorts. "Funny."

"What did I say?"

"You said I"ve never been on the other side of me. Sexually, no, I haven"t. That"s why I want us to have a meeting, a couple of sessions, so you can see when to tell me no, when to pull me back, when to pull me out of the dark. I"ve spent the better half of the last decade trying to master my moods, my triggers."

"You still need work," I tell him, remembering how he snapped inside his office.

"Which is exactly why we"re having this conversation. I can"t bring you along this ride without giving you the emergency escape hatch. If you don"t want to, I get it. I"ll never bring it up again. We can keep things normal, until you"re ready to explore more."

"What if I"m never ready to explore more, Julian?" I ask him.

"That"s why you need to be able to tell me no. We should get to know each other better if we"re going to pursue a relationship. I don"t want you to feel that because we have different preferences, that it means I"m going to scratch my itch somewhere else. I have self-control, but I also know women."

"Oh?"

"Yes. I don"t know everything, but I know enough because I"ve lived this life of mine. You"ll say you"re okay with going dark with me when you"re really not because you"re eager to please me, to show me you"re not like the others. When things get too dark, and you don"t have the escape hatch, I"ll scare the fuck out of you and we go back to normal vanilla sex. You"ll get paranoid I"m cheating on you, and then you"ll use whatever I did to scare you as a way to justify ending the relationship."

"Can I think about it?" I ask him.

His face softens as he comes around the table to stand in front of me, taking my face into his hands, he kisses me gently. "Of course, Claire. You can turn all of it down. We don"t have to be in an intimate relationship. I"ll always protect you, be there for you, but if you truly don"t want to go down this road, I"ll let you go."

The pain of those words ricochets across my chest. "I don"t want that. I want you, Julian."

"How about we start off with just sleeping together?"

"Just sleep?" I inch away to look into his eyes.

"Yes, just sleep. I"ll keep my hands to myself. I promise."