Chapter 39

CHAPTER 39

THOMAS

S he really looked so beautiful sitting there on her little blanket. Surrounded by a bottle of wine and small picnic with her canvas on her lap, her fair skin and dark hair contrasting with the muted colors of the cemetery in winter, she really looked like she should be the subject of a painting, not the actual artist.

She shifted to get up, and I stood in front of her, close enough to stop her from moving, so she stayed on her knees in front of me. Fuck, I loved her in that position, looking up at me with her big, innocent-looking green eyes.

I put my hand under her chin, tilting her head up so she met my eyes, and pressed my thumb to her lips. She immediately parted her lips for me, so my thumb was pressing between her teeth.

“You have been a very bad girl, angel. Running off like that.” I clicked my tongue as if I were disappointed. “What am I going to do with you?”

I took my thumb out of her mouth and ran it over her bottom lip, giving her permission to speak. Her eyes widened for a moment, then softened. She liked it when I took control. I just had to make her admit it.

“I had to—I had to get away from New York, from the expectations everyone—and you—had for me. I had to leave for my sanity.” The words rushed from her, and I knew she meant every single word.

“And why did you have to get away from me, little angel?”

“Because there’s no future with you,” she said with a sad shrug of her shoulders, her eyes casting down to the ground.

My little angel, all alone in the ruins of a church sitting surrounded by the gravestones of people so far gone no one remembered them, and she looked so woeful because she missed me. A warmth spread through my chest. She missed me.

“Are you sure about that?” I asked.

The way her eyes looked up at me, I would swear a brief flash of hope danced across them until it was dashed by whatever thought she had.

“Yes, I’m sure. You’re a priest. There can be no future there for us. At least, not one I want.”

I nodded for a second, taking in her words. “And what is it you want, little angel?”

She pressed her lips together for a moment, as if she was trying to figure out how to put her feelings into words. For this, I’d give her time. She needed me to be patient right now, and that was exactly what I was going to give her. Patience and grace.

“It’s more about what I don’t want,” she finally said, and I tilted her chin back up so she met my eyes. “I don’t want to be your dirty little secret, or your shame. I don’t want to hide my relationship, and I want to know what it’s like to actually have a real boyfriend. Someone I can do normal couple-things with, and not have to hide it.”

“Anything we would have to hide because?—”

“Because you are a priest,” she said, exasperated. Hitting the ground next to her.

“Is that so?” I asked as I took off my cashmere coat and wrapped it around her shoulders. She looked me up and down, and my God, I loved the way her eyes got that hungry look in them when she looked at me.

“So?” she said. “Just because priests can occasionally wear normal clothes doesn’t mean?—”

“Oh, ye of little faith,” I said, bending down to look her in the eye. “I left the priesthood,” I said, moving my hand from her chin to her nape to keep her staring at me.

“Excommunication isn’t the same thing as leaving.”

“Careful, angel, I came here to have a conversation with you. That doesn’t mean I won’t take you over my knee and spank that perfect ass of yours.” I moved to sit down next to her and pull her into my lap. She tried to fight me for a second, but then melted into my embrace.

“It’s still not the same,” she said, her voice almost a whisper.

“You’re right, it’s not. But I was not excommunicated.”

“But Amelia said you went back to Rome.” She rested her head on my shoulder, and I took a second to feel so relieved to have her back in my arms.

“I did,” I said. “The charges against me were all dropped, and I was welcomed back in Rome with open arms. It was always my plan to go back after I got my revenge. I considered staying in New York, for you mostly, but when you didn’t respond to my messages and I found out you left again, I was going to leave you alone. I was going to return to my life in Rome, back to my very sinful lifestyle. But it wasn’t the same.”

“Not the same how?” I thought for a moment I heard a bit of want in her voice, but I couldn’t be sure.

“You, little angel,” I said with a grin. “You had managed to get under my skin. Suddenly I wasn’t satisfied with that life. I wanted something more, something beyond my own selfish pleasures. I want you.”

“No, you don’t. You don’t know me, not really. You want this idea of me that you have in your head. That good girl who let you fuck her in the confessional and… who obeyed without question and?—”

“No, angel, I want you. I don’t know if I’m ever going to feel love the way other people do. The one thing that I am certain of, though, is if such a thing were possible, the only person on the Earth that could ever make me feel love, the only person who could ever pull off that miracle, is you.”

She said nothing but looked away. When I turned her head toward me, I could see the tears gathering in her eyes.

“All I’m asking for is a chance. You say I don’t know you. Prove it. Let me get to know you. Get to know me, the real me, not the collar and the taboo. Give me a chance.”

“You can’t have me,” she said, pushing herself away from my chest, still on my lap but facing me. I already missed the warmth of her body. “Although it’s nice that we wouldn’t be committing a cardinal sin, it still changes nothing. You can’t have me.”

“Why not?” I asked, putting my hands flat on the blanket behind me and leaning back, trying to give her some space, trying to make her feel like I wasn’t hovering over her.

“Because we don’t know each other. Not really. We’ve never even had a normal date. I don’t think you’re capable of just being a normal boyfriend, and that’s what I need right now. I need normal. Most girls get the space to figure out who they are when they’re teenagers, but I never did. I never figured out what I wanted, and I need the space to do that.”

“You want a normal boyfriend?”

“Yes,” she said firmly. “I want dates, not obligations. Not society events. I want to date where I can actually get to know the man I’m with, and I don’t have to worry about hiding from anyone. I want something that can grow into something real, not something that started off… with me as a pawn in someone else’s plot.”

“Okay,” I said with a shrug, as I reached up and brushed a lock of hair out of her face. “Let me try.”

“You want to try?”

“I want you,” I corrected. “If you tell me you need normal, then I will give you normal. I’m not asking you to marry me. Nothing beyond one date to prove myself. I’m not asking for you to leave school or anything like that. I’m only asking you to give me a chance. Can you do that for me, angel?” I picked up her hand from her lap and kissed the inside of her palm. “Please, angel, let me show you what I’m like without my baggage holding me back.”

She looked uncertain.

Her eyes darted around the cemetery, then back to her painting, then to my face. Over and over, while she tried to figure out what she was going to do.

“Only one date,” she said finally, and a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I had a chance to show her she needed me.

“One date. But I get to plan it?”

She nodded. “But I want it to be a first date. A good one. I want us to talk, and I don’t want you to assume that?—”

“I will plan the date, I will keep it PG-rated, and it’ll be somewhere that we can talk and get to know each other. Is that what you want? To see what I would be like as a normal boyfriend?”

She nodded.

That was all I needed. I asked for a chance, and that was exactly what she gave me. One chance.