26. Lev

26

LEV

I always knew that Elle would find out the truth eventually. But I didn’t expect it to hurt so damn much when her beautiful green eyes turned cold as she looked at me.

I’m no stranger to physical pain, but watching her finally see me for the monster that I am is a pain like no other. I would happily endure the wrath of Igor for the rest of my life if it meant Elle would never look at me like that again.

I know I was never worthy of her kindness or affection, but for the past few weeks, I got lost in the fantasy of it all, of her and the life we could have had if things were different.

When she didn’t run at the sight of my scars, or when she learned that I was likely responsible for the death of Andre Koslov and his wife, it made me believe that it was possible for someone to finally love me.

I felt that nothing I could say or do would frighten her.

It made me believe that perhaps when she finally found out the truth behind the fire, she would be able to look past it and forgive me.

But Elle’s love for her family is fierce and unwavering, and to think she would betray that in favor of loving me…

I was a fool for ever considering it.

I should have given myself over to the Koslovs the moment Mikhail told her the truth. After all, I can’t deny what I did. I might have saved Elle from the fire that night, but I’m the reason her brother and parents are dead.

Igor told me of his plan to kill Marco Conti Senior as well as his wife and children, and I did nothing to stop him. It doesn’t matter that I was terrified of him.

My own cowardice cost Elle the lives of the people she loved most in the world, and now she’s being forced to carry my child as a constantreminder of my weakness. My lies and betrayal.

I deserve to suffer for what I’ve done. Though no amount of pain the Koslovs will ultimately inflict on me will ever be enough to make up for the pain I’ve put Elle through.

But until that time comes, I need to try and get her to understand that I’m not the only person she should fear.

Mikhail might think that I’m the one who’s coming to finish the job that Igor started all those years ago, but he couldn’t be more wrong.

Igor has been bidding his time ever since the kidnapping, and he will make a move against her.

I just have to pray that I can get her to see reason before it’s too late for her, and for my child.

Elle is still out cold, after managing to knock herself out against the side of the car, so when I pull up outside the cabin, I have no choice but to carry her in my arms like I did all those weeks ago. Thankfully, she hasn’t cut herself, but a large bruise is already starting to form on her temple, and I have no doubt that she’ll have a killer headache when she wakes up.

I can only hope that I have some painkillers stashed somewhere in the cabin.

I look down at her peaceful face, and my chest cracks open. I wish things could have been different, that in another life we could have gotten our happily ever after.

When Elle finally comes to as I’m walking into the main living space, she blinks up at me. Her eyes are a little unfocused, and it’s likely she might have a mild concussion. But I can’t risk taking her to a hospital just yet.

“We’re back at the cabin.” I set her down on her feet in the middle of the small living area, keeping my hands on her waist in case she’s a little unsteady. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

“You killed my family,” Elle whispers, a deep crease forming between her dark eyebrows. “You’ve already hurt me more than you could possibly know.”

She’s slipping further and further away with each word she speaks.

But I can’t let her go until she’s safe once and for all.

“Elle, I need you to listen to me.” I automatically go to cup her face, to offer her some comfort like I have done so many times before, but she bats my hand away.

“Get off me!” She shoves at my chest.

Her cheeks are stained pink as her anger flares, and she manages to use enough force against me that I stumble backwards.

“Elle—”

“Take me home, now ! I swear to god, Lev, you’re going to pay for what you’ve done.” She shoves at my chest again, and my hands wrap around her wrists to hold her in place .

I’ve never seen Elle so wild, and I can’t deny that a little part of me is impressed she’s putting up such a fight.

“I need you to listen to me, Elle.”

“Fuck you.” She pulls against my hold.

“Igor is the one who started the fire that night.” I don’t let go of her wrists. “He told me we were going to your house so he could talk to your father, and that I had to come along.”

“I don’t want to hear this.” Her voice cracks and tears start streaming down her cheeks.

“I know, I’m so sorry, but you need to know.”

She shakes her head, her lower lip wobbling as she stares at the ground, but she stops fighting against my hold, so I take that as my sign to continue.

“He told me to wait outside while he went to talk to your father, and that’s when I saw you up at the window. I think I frightened you because you jumped out of sight. But then I caught you peeking again, and it made me smile.”

Elle’s face crumbles, and I fight the urge to wipe away the tears that are streaming down her cheeks.

“And then…” My throat tightens, and I have to take a second to gather myself. “Igor was inside, and there was a lot of yelling. Then, dozens of his men were dousing the place with gasoline and the next thing I knew, the entire house was up in flames.”

“Lev, please,” Elle sobs.

Her entire body is trembling, and I risk turning her wrists over so I can gently stroke my thumbs across the delicate skin.

“I’m so sorry, Elle.”

“Did you know what he was planning?”

“He never told me specifically, but I wasn’t ignorant to Igor’s reputation. I knew he would be planning on doing more than just talking with your father. At the time, I couldn’t understand why Igor had brought me along instead of my brother Maxim. He was older and more experienced. But whatever his reasoning, I’m glad he brought me because otherwise, that fire would have claimed you too.”

Elle’s shoulders shake with silent sobs as I speak.

“I heard you screaming through your open window, and I—” This time, my voice cracks, and my throat tightens as her phantom screams haunt me.

The memory flashes through my mind so clearly, as if it was yesterday.

“I yelled at Igor to get you out, but he only laughed. When he realized that I was going in after you, he threatened to kill me, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t just leave you to die. So, I ran into the house and found you passed out in your room.”

“I still wake up thinking I’m trapped in that room,” Elle whispers. “I can still hear my father shouting. I can still smell the smoke. Sometimes, I wish that I had died in that fire too because that way I would be with them now and not living with the pain of losing them.”

“I’m so sorry, Elle.”

“You don’t get to be sorry.” She yanks her hands out of my grip, stepping away from me. “You could have stopped him, you could have?—”

She clutches a hand over her mouth to muffle her sobs.

“I know.”

“Do you?”

I hang my head, not knowing what else to say. I’ve told her everything, and it’s up to her now what she decides to do.

“It doesn’t matter that you saved my life,” she whispers, a cold hatred in her eyes as she turns to look at me. “That doesn’t change the fact that you let my family die. You knew Igor was sentencing my family to death, and you did nothing ! My parents, my baby brother are all dead because of you .”

I almost fall to my knees at the look of agony on her face.

This can’t be the end.

Because without Elle, my life is not worth living.

“How could you do this to me? Save me only to leave me alone?” She steps toward me with wild eyes. “You’re no better than Igor.”

“I am nothing like Igor. I risked my life to save you that night. He beat me within an inch of my fucking life because I chose to disobey him and go into the fire because I heard your screams.”

“I’d take a beating over the death of my family any day!”

“Fuck, that’s not what I meant.” I run my hand over my face. “This is coming out all wrong.”

A dull ache is building in my temples, and I press my palms to the side of my head as I try to breathe through the pain.

“Igor is a cruel, sadistic man…” I grunt as the pain flares behind my eyes, “...who only cares about himself.”

“I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.”

“You’re not listening !” I throw my hands in the air. “You said so yourself that he threatened the life of his own grandchild! I would never fucking do that, Elle. He’s the real monster here?—”

“You don’t get to do that.” She shakes her head at me. “You don’t get to dismiss your own crimes because your father’s are worse.”

“He is not my father. ”

“He raised you. He clothed you and fed you. He is your father in every way that counts.”

Each word out of her mouth is like a knife to the heart. But I can’t deny the fact that she’s right.

I might have Koslov blood running in my veins, but I was raised as an Ivanov.

“I would give my life for yours if I had to, Elle. Can’t you see how much you mean to me? I…I love you, goddammit!”

The words spill from my lips before I can stop myself.

Elle blinks. Her lips part, and for the briefest moment, I wonder if she’s about to tell me she loves me too…

But then it’s gone, and the coldness returns.

“All I see is your guilt, Lev. You’re trying to make yourself feel better by attempting to convince me that you were only protecting me. But you’re not protecting me, Lev. You’re hurting me.”

“No.” I shake my head as the pain flares. “No, that’s not true, Elle.”

“It is true.”

I stagger backwards as I’m hit with a blinding pain so bad that I almost vomit right there and then.

“Lev?”

Elle’s voice sounds far away, as if I’m trapped underwater.

I screw my eyes shut, trying to take a breath, but I’m already too far gone. I’m going to black out, and Elle will take that as her opportunity to run.

As I slip into the darkness, all I can do is hope is that the Koslovs get to her before Igor does.

And that one day, when all of this is over, she can find it in her heart to forgive me.