11. Zara

11

ZARA

Dimitri’s mouth crashes against mine, and I moan as I taste myself on his tongue. He’s still hovering above me, but I need to feel him close. To feel the warmth of his body, to feel the safety of his arms around me as I cross a line I never thought I would cross again.

He pulls away for a moment, his dark eyes searching my face.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

A feral smile tugs at Dimitri’s lips as he moves his hips and gently nudges the tip of his cock against my entrance.

“You’re so ready for me,” he grunts, looking down at where our bodies are about to be joined.

I bite my lip as he slowly pushes himself inside me, wincing slightly as my pussy stretches around his thickness.

“Is this okay?” he murmurs as he sinks another inch inside me.

I nod, but he’s not buying it.

“Zara, I need you to say the words out loud, otherwise I won’t go any further. ”

“I-it’s okay, I’m…good. It’s just… You’re so big .”

“I know, sladkaya . We can take it slow.” He dips down to press a kiss to my jaw. “Let me know if it becomes too much.”

“Please, Dimitri.” I move my hands up to cup his face. “I need you.”

He lowers his head to press the softest kiss to my lips, and my body starts to relax at his touch.

“I’m right here.” He slowly thrusts his cock inside me all the way.

I gasp at the slight pain as he stretches me, but then it turns to the sweetest pleasure as he begins to slowly move inside me.

“You’re taking me so well, sladkaya .” He slowly pulls out and thrusts back inside me.

I have to screw my eyes shut to stop myself from bursting into tears as his sweet words ring in my ears.

I don’t want Dimitri to know how truly broken I am and feel guilty for triggering past memories.

I promised myself I would leave them in the past and focus on making new memories, so with each thrust I remind myself that it’s Dimitri. That Dimitri is the one making me feel nothing but pleasure. That he cares not just about my body, but about me .

I sink my fingers into the hard muscle of his back, burying my face in his neck as he slowly thrusts inside me.

I’ve never felt so full, and when he pulls out, I whimper at the emptiness.

I need more. I need him .

“ Zara ,” he groans as he sinks back inside me.

The sound of my name spilling from his lips has me tightening my legs around his waist, pulling him closer.

“Feel so good,” I moan as I dig my heels into his back .

“You want more?”

“Yes,” I gasp, though it turns into a cry of pleasure as Dimitri pulls out and thrusts into me so hard I see stars.

“Fuck,” he groans.

He bows his head and takes my right nipple into his mouth, sucking hard as he continues to pound into me, his cock brushing the sensitive inner walls of my pussy.

I can barely think straight as Dimitri pumps his hips harder, faster as he continues to work my nipple with his tongue.

My body is alight with pleasure, and my eyes sting with tears as I can feel my orgasm start to build once more.

“I-I’m close.” I grind my hips to match each of his thrusts.

“Christ, Zara, I can feel you clenching around my cock.” He buries his face between my breasts.

“ Dimitri .”

“Fuck, I’m going to come.” Dimitri lifts his head to gaze down at me.

The sight of his eyes, so heavy with arousal, almost sends me over the edge.

Dimitri Koslov is about to come undone, and I can’t fucking wait.

“Oh, god,” I moan, arching my back so that my nipples brush against his chest.

“That’s it, sladkaya , come with me.”

“ Yes !” I cry out, my eyes rolling as he increases his pace, slamming into me so hard my orgasm hits me out of nowhere.

I cling to Dimitri as my pussy starts to pulse around his cock, sending him crashing over the edge with me.

“Zara,” he chokes out, his body shuddering as his cock spills inside me .

My thighs clench around his waist as he continues to slowly pump his length inside me until we’re both completely spent.

I fall back against the pillows, and Dimitri collapses on top of me, kissing me softly as we both try to catch our breath.

“Fuck, that was amazing.” He rests his forehead against mine.

His cheeks are flushed and strands of dark hair cling to his forehead.

I reach up to brush them away, and he leans into my touch, his eyes fluttering closed as he tries to calm his breathing.

I can barely think straight as I come down from the high.

“It really was…” I sigh, pressing a soft kiss to his jaw.

I make no move to unlock my legs from around his waist, enjoying the feeling of him filling me too much.

“I want to stay buried inside you,” Dimitri murmurs against my lips. “But as much as I want to go for round two, we also need to sleep.” He chuckles before taking my lower lip between his teeth.

“Okay…”

“Don’t pout.” He laughs. “It’s been a long day, and you need to get some sleep, sladkaya .”

I roll my eyes, but nod. It has been a very long day, and tomorrow will be even longer as I’m due to move into his penthouse.

“You’ll thank me in the morning.” He presses one last kiss to my lips.

A soft gasp escapes me as he slowly slides his cock free before lifting his body off of me and rolling over.

I instantly miss his warmth against me, but then his arms are sliding under me, and he’s pulling me back against his hard chest.

“Sweet dreams, Zara,” he whispers into the darkness as his warm hands move to rest on my stomach.

My eyes flutter closed, suddenly heavy. I silently pray that Dimitri might actually have managed to keep my nightmares at bay, at least for tonight while he holds me close.

I snuggle into his arms, breathing in his musky smell as I try to focus on the sound of his breathing.

But I should know better than that.

For in the silence, it all comes flooding back.

No matter where I am, the moment the night comes, and I close my eyes, he ’s there plaguing my dreams.

Sweat breaks out over my skin and my breathing turns ragged as my heart rate spikes.

I shrug out of Dimitri’s arms and turn to lie on my back, resting one hand on my heart and the other on my stomach to try and ground myself.

I am safe.

Memories flash behind my eyes, and my breath catches.

I am safe.

I repeat the mantra over and over in my head, trying my best to calm my breathing so as not to wake Dimitri. The last thing I need is for him to wake up and catch me in the beginning of a spiral.

I don’t need to burden him with the reality of my trauma, to show him how truly damaged I am.

So, I continue to silently speak my mantra, hoping that I’ll eventually grow so tired that I’ll fall into a dreamless sleep.

But sleep never comes.

I don’t know how long I lie awake, staring at the ceiling.

It doesn’t take long for the sound of Dimitri’s breath to grow heavier with sleep, but I find little comfort knowing he’s beside me.

If anything, it makes my thoughts spiral even more.

I knew this would happen. I knew having sex would trigger the memories, but I did it anyway.

I had hoped that finally being intimate with someone I knew and trusted would help, but as the darkness starts to tug at my thoughts, it’s clear how wrong I was.

I curse my younger self for getting caught up in a situation that has left me fearing any sort of intimacy with a man. Perhaps if I hadn’t been so trusting, so naive , I wouldn’t have gotten myself into this mess.

Life can change in an instant, but not for the better.

That day broke something in me, and I thought I had managed to put myself back together. To patch over the wounds left behind until I could resemble someone close to who I was before. But it turns out I’m not as strong as I thought.

Those wounds turned to scars that cover every inch of my skin, leaving me unrecognizable.

My hands clutch at my throat as I stare up at the ceiling.

I can’t breathe.

I’m not safe.

My lungs are burning as I open my mouth to try and take a breath, but it’s no use.

There’s no air.

I’m going to die?—

I throw back the covers and climb out of bed, rushing through to the bathroom to empty my stomach into the toilet.

Tears stream down my face as my stomach heaves, my naked body shivering as I kneel on the cold tiles.

“You’re safe,” I whisper out loud as I press a trembling hand to my heart. “Your body is just responding to the memory. You’re safe. You’re safe. You’re safe.”

I was taught to rationalize my body’s response out loud to try and snap myself back into the present. To remind myself that this is a fear response, nothing more.

But if the spiral is too far gone, no amount of positive self-talk is going to bring me back.

My heart continues to hammer in my chest as the memories continue to flood my mind. My stomach churns, but there’s nothing left to bring up, so I’m left dry heaving over the toilet.

I need to get out of here. Dimitri can’t see me like this.

Climbing to my feet, I stagger over to the sink and turn on the faucet to splash some cold water on my face before sneaking back into the bedroom.

Glancing at the bed, I exhale at the sight of Dimitri’s sleeping body. The last thing I need is for him to have heard me throwing up.

I hate leaving him like this, but I have no choice.

Grabbing my overnight bag, I quickly pull on a pair of leggings and a T-shirt and slide my feet into my sneakers.

I glance around and cringe as I notice the dark outline of my wedding dress lying in a heap on the floor.

Last night with Dimitri feels like a fever dream, and I had to wake up eventually.

I hurry to the desk and scribble Dimitri a note on the hotel stationary.

He doesn’t deserve to wake up alone without some kind of explanation, but before I can face him, I need to snap myself out of the spiral that is starting to drag me back under.

The only way I can do that is alone and in the safety of my apartment where I can sit in the darkness until it starts to clear.

He doesn’t need to see me like this. He deserves better. He deserves someone who isn’t broken. So, I let him know that I’ll meet him at his penthouse tomorrow evening once I’ve gotten my shit together.

Throwing my bag over my shoulder, I slip out of the door without a backward glance.