Chapter 30

Chapter

Thirty

"We need never be ashamed of our tears."

― Charles Dickens

Caia

I opened my eyes to the faint glow of lights caressing my skin and felt the warmth of Alexsei's breath against the back of my neck. His arm was snug around my waist, his body pressed intimately close to mine. Not even an inch of air separated us, and I knew his arms wouldn't let me break free, even if I wanted to.

After the disastrous end to our evening, Alexsei drove us home, and we both stayed silent, lost in our thoughts. I took a long shower, spending a good twenty minutes having a mental breakdown, questioning why, out of all the men in Moscow, I had to run into Slavoy Sadiek—the man who had destroyed me and taken so much from me.

Eventually, I dried off and climbed into bed, wearing a simple gray babydoll, and fell asleep almost instantly. Alexsei must've joined me in my room in the middle of the night.

As I remembered his shocked expression and the anger in his dark blue eyes from the night before, a part of me wondered if he really didn't know everything. But uncertainty lingered. Maybe he was just playing me, trying to humiliate me even more.

His breathing changed, followed by a low groan, as he pulled me tighter than I thought possible and nuzzled his nose into my hair, releasing a heavy sigh. Bracing myself for his questions, remarks, or judgments, I closed my eyes. But to my surprise, nothing came.

Instead, he dropped a kiss on the crook of my neck. "Slept well?" he asked, his voice still groggy from sleep, deep and velvety.

I whispered back, "Yes. You?"

Another kiss landed softly on my neck. "Always when I sleep next to you."

Warmth blossomed in my chest, but I quickly pushed it aside, choosing to stay silent. Honestly, after last night, I expected to be haunted by nightmares and have a restless sleep. But with Alexsei's arms wrapped around me, I felt almost …safe, and I hated that feeling. It bothered me that the man who had upended my life was now the one giving me comfort.

"Turn around, Caia," he murmured, kissing my shoulder.

As I debated whether to comply or just get up and leave the room, I grew tired of constantly running away. With a determined sigh, I chose to turn around and face him, causing the bed to shift slightly as I moved .

His eyes still held a hint of sleepiness, but they remained captivatingly deep and piercingly blue. He gently stroked my cheek, holding my gaze captive. "Tell me everything."

I shook my head slowly, closing my eyes and biting down on my lower lip to hold back tears. "I can't?—"

He pulled me closer, his chin resting above my head. "I just want to help, baby."

I've never confided in anyone about Sadiek, except Valeria. It's a weight I've carried for so long that it's become a dull ache, like an event from my past that hangs over me. I've kept my head down, hoping it would fade away into nothingness.

Of course, my useless father knows about it; he's the one who set it all up. But even he, I doubt, knows the full extent of it.

There were days, especially after that night, when the pain was unbearable. It was raw, relentless, and ever-present. Just getting out of bed, taking a shower, or even eating felt impossible. I tried to distract myself by diving into work and uni stuff, basically overloading myself. It gave me some temporary relief, but sometimes his voice, face, or touch would flood my thoughts, leaving me suffocated. When that happened, I'd jump into a freezing cold shower to snap out of it and focus on something else.

"You can't help me, Alexsei."

The past is the past. Nothing can change it now.

He sighed heavily, the vein in his neck pulsing faster under my cheek. "I've known Sadiek for a long time, Caia. I know the man's greatest weaknesses and secrets. Don't think for a fucking minute that I'm not going to make him pay for what he did to you."

I pulled away, seeking some space, and sank onto the edge of the bed, my back turned to him. "Why bother with him?" I scoffed, my throat tight. "It's not like you care about me and my feelings. If you did, you'd never have forced me into marrying you in the first place."

Silence lingered for a few moments, with only our breathing filling the space between us. I knew Alexsei was probably just playing games with me. But discovering that his now-wife was a …whore must have rattled him. In this world, it seems women are only two things—either whores or dead.

I've been forced into the former, but inside, I felt like the latter.

"I need to know everything, Caia. And I want to hear it from you, not from that bastard's mouth."

I turned slightly to face him, my gaze cold. "And why should I tell you anything? What difference does it make to you?"

"Because I need to make it right."

I shook my head in disbelief, incredulous at his words. "Make it right? How can you possibly make anything right now?"

"I can and I will. Because I am your husband now."

I stayed silent for a moment, feeling the weight of his words sinking in. Then, with a trembling breath, I pursed my lips and turned my head to the side, avoiding his eyes again. Tears welled up and streamed down my face, silent witnesses to the pain I couldn't put into words.

The room suddenly felt smaller, the air thicker with tension. How could he claim to be my husband when his actions spoke of nothing but betrayal and manipulation?

Feeling too worn out to keep up the fight, I took a deep breath, gathering whatever courage still lingered in my tired heart. "Fine," I whispered, my voice barely audible. "I'll tell you everything."

And I did .

I recalled the night I was sixteen, the first time my father brought a man to my bedroom.

Volodymyr Babikiv , an engineer with a ruthless addiction to gambling and drugs. I described how my father bid him goodbye and closed the door behind him. How he grabbed my face forcefully and kissed me, despite my resistance. How he groped me, leaving me feeling violated and powerless. How he got his penis out and started to masturbate before ejaculating on my bed sheets before leaving me alone, tears streaming down my face as I tried to make sense of the pain and betrayal my father has caused me once again.

I recounted the memory of my eighteenth birthday, when my father insisted, I accompany him to a casino in downtown Moscow. There, he introduced me to Klark Polanski , the CEO and COO of Zhit , a company involved in vitamins and wellness supplements.

The man kissed my hand and pulled me onto his lap, his touch lingering on my thigh, inching higher with each stroke. He won every round, accumulating 110k by the end of the night. His advances became bolder, his hand moving between my legs, his lips trailing along my neck, leaving marks without hesitation despite my resistance.

Around the table, other men similarly indulged in the company of women, their arms draped possessively around their shoulders or waist, while some were smoking, and all were drinking or doing drugs on the table.

All night I fought back my tears, the rising bill felt like a lump in my throat.

All I wanted to do that night was to cut myself open or shoot myself; I never expected to celebrate my eighteenth birthday in that way.

When I finally got home, relieved that Polanski had been arrested by security for cheating, and witnessing the chaos as they beat him up, I slipped away and called a taxi.

Upon arrival, I found my father passed out on the sofa, cocaine scattered across the living room table, and money bills strewn everywhere. I headed straight to the kitchen, opening the fridge to retrieve the small pavlova cake I had bought for myself earlier. With a heavy heart, I lit a single candle and blew it out, but not before making one wish.

"What did you wish for, moya solnyshka ?" Alexsei asked softly.

Our eyes meet.

I breathed out, "For freedom."

Freedom has been my only desire, from the very moment of my birth till now.

"I was nineteen when my father first introduced me to Sadiek ," I continued.

"So, about two years ago?"

I nodded, rising from the edge of the bed and making my way to the window, drawn by the wintry scene outside. From this vantage point in the apartment, I could see Gorky Central Park blanketed in snow, the trees laden with its weight.

"My father asked me to join him for dinner with the Mayor of Moscow and some feds. He said their spouses and kids would be there, so I had to show up."

Internally, I couldn't help but scoff at the memory. Perhaps if I had declined, that fateful night might never have unfolded as it did.

"We pulled up to this big, isolated house outside the city. Just one car was parked out front, which struck me as odd. I expected more people. But when we stepped inside, it was just Sadiek there, his creepy smile spreading as he kissed my cheeks. He had the nerve to say I was beautiful, hinting that my looks were the reason for my father's wealth," I said with a bitter laugh, hugging myself to ward off the chill creeping down my spine.

I heard Alexsei rise from his seat, his footsteps drawing nearer as his arms enveloped my waist. I tensed for a moment, then relaxed as his lips brushed against the back of my head.

"What happened next?" he asked gently.

I gulped, closing my eyes and letting myself breath slowly in and out, in and out not wanting to panic or have the memories cloud my mind making it impossible to let the word out.

"We had steak and roasted potatoes with red wine for dinner. But with every bite of the steak, I kept tasting something weird that I couldn't quite pin down. Then, out of nowhere, my dad—" I stopped, my heart pounding so fast I thought it might explode.

The feeling was so overwhelming I thought I might either throw up or pass out any second. Alexsei's arms loosened their grip, but his hands began to glide over my arms gently, making me tingle all over.

His lips brushed against my ear, "You're safe, Caia. I've got you. Breathe."

I nodded, feeling a bit calmer as I tried to pull myself together.

After a few moments, I took a deep breath and went on, "My father suddenly got up, saying there was an emergency in the city. He mentioned a valued client had been found dead in his apartment, and my dad was owed a lot of money. That was all he said before rushing out, leaving me stuck miles from home with a stranger who, despite looking friendly, made me feel… uneasy."

I stayed silent for a moment, knowing I couldn't avoid the inevitable. Gathering my courage, I knew I had to finish and tell him everything.

"I felt awful, so I asked him for a ride home. But he insisted I lie down for a bit first, saying he'd take me back later." I took a deep breath, rubbing the back of my neck to ease the tension. "I felt like I might pass out any second, so I collapsed on his sofa while he went to get me some water. And then… I either fell asleep or blacked out. I'm not sure…"

I looked up to meet his eyes, reading his thoughts without any effort. It felt like I could see right into his soul, and I knew he got exactly what I was about to say.

"I blinked my eyes open, feeling disoriented and feverish, as if a heavy weight pressed down on me. My dress was hiked up to my stomach, and my underwear was nowhere to be found, with Sadiek…" I shook my head, fighting against the flood of images rushing back into my mind, and inhaled deeply again.

Come on, Caia. You can do it.

I continued, "I tried to fight back, to scream, to push him out , but I had no strength. I couldn't even move a finger, and my voice was gone. All I could do was cry, and cry, and cry until I passed out again. But not before I h-heard him s-say..., ‘ I'm gonna fuck you so fucking hard, Caia. Your papa is the best for letting me have your pussy.'"

That was it. All my darkest secrets were laid bare before him.

He knew my deepest vulnerabilities, the parts of me I'd rather hide away in shame.

Maybe he was even questioning whether marrying me was a mistake, wondering if he'd thrown his time away.

As my thoughts spiraled and the silence grew heavy, Alexsei wiped away a tear that escaped from my eye with a tenderness that felt almost out of place. He lifted my chin with a gentle touch and pressed a soft kiss to my forehead. I was caught off guard, letting out a shaky breath as more tears streamed down my face .

"Oh, moya solnyshka …" Alexsei said softly, his voice barely above a whisper.

I sighed as he pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around me in a tight hug. I finally let go, allowing myself to cry in his arms. My arms tightened around him, and my tears soaked his bare chest, but I didn't care. In that moment, all I needed was to feel less... alone.