19. Nina

19

NINA

How the hell am I meant to tell Anton the truth about who I am? Should I write him a letter? Leave it in a voicemail? Blurt it out in the middle of sex to soften the blow?

My mind is racing, and I feel so nauseous that I have to sit down in the shower and put my head between my knees to try and stop myself from throwing up.

The thought of losing Anton is unbearable. My heart feels like it’s being ripped out of my chest, and I silently sob as I picture the look on his face when he finds out who I am. Who I’ve been this entire time.

He deserves so much better than me.

I sit on the floor of the shower until the water runs cold. Even then I don’t get up straight away.

The cold water helps to clear my head a little, so I continue to sit under the waterfall shower until my skin turns purple with cold. Only then do I emerge, wrapping a fluffy towel around my shivering body, and go in search of some pajamas.

Dressed in a pair of flannel pajama pants and an oversized jumper, I head downstairs toward the kitchen to get something to eat.

I’m hoping that Anton has decided to go and work in his office so I can avoid him for a while longer, but I find the kitchen door closed and Anton’s voice filtering through.

It seems I never learn as I lean against the door listening.

I place a hand over my mouth to muffle my cry of surprise as Alexei says someone is accusing Lev of killing Alexei’s parents.

There’s no way Lev could have done this.

But then again, how well do I really know Lev?

Growing up, my father always made sure that I was never around Lev long enough to form a proper bond with him.

I barely knew him, and what I did know vanished after his accident.

He defied my father’s orders and paid the price and will likely be paying it for the rest of his life.

He experiences blackouts where he remembers nothing.

My father used my safety as an excuse not to let me see him, but I never bought it. He didn’t want me to learn that he was the one who did this to Lev, but I’m not stupid. I saw the fear in Lev’s eyes whenever he looked at my father.

You don’t forget seeing fear like that.

I always wished it had been different with Lev. I used to believe that we would be able to have a proper sibling bond. I cared about him in a way I never cared for Maxim, and when my father kept him away, I always vowed that I would fight for him.

He was my brother after all.

When I was fifteen, I reached out to Lev, and we reconnected, mostly over our hatred toward our father. But it was a connection that we both craved. We were the only true family each other had, and I was grateful to be there during his bad days.

I even managed to convince him to get professional help and for a short time, I thought things would finally work out. That one day, Lev and I would be able to cut ourselves off from our father and start again, somewhere far away from this life.

But then, without warning, Lev cut me out of his life, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. That was years ago, and I always wondered what happened to him. I still do.

Could it be possible that Lev killed Anton’s aunt and uncle during one of these blackouts?

The thought makes me sick to my stomach.

I think I’ve had enough of listening in on people’s conversations for one day.

I turn my back on the kitchen door and head back upstairs to my room to wait for Anton to finish his call.

Perching on the edge of my bed, I reach for my phone, where it’s charging on my bedside table, and scroll through the pictures of my father’s contacts until I come to Lev’s name.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve thought about calling him over the years, but the number I’ve had for him hasn’t been in use since the day he cut me out. I always wondered if he thought it would be too difficult to escape our father if I was with him. It was a way to make it hurt less, to believe that he was better off without me.

There’s only one way to find out.

I transfer the number into my contacts and dial it before I can talk myself out of it. I hold my breath as it rings, and rings, and rings.

“Answer me, Lev,” I whisper, as if somehow he can hear that it’s me through the phone. “Please.”

Eventually, the call rings out, and the dial tone echoes in my ear. I let out a breath as I shut off my phone as tears prick my eyes.

When did everything become so complicated?

“Nina? I’ve made dinner!” Anton calls up the stairs.

I jump to my feet and wipe at my eyes, trying to erase any sign of tears. I don’t want to risk Anton asking questions.

If it weren’t for the fact that I’m absolutely starving, I would have hidden out in my room until morning.

“Nina?”

“Coming!” I plaster a smile on my face.

As I make my way down the stairs once more and cross the foyer toward the kitchen, I catch a waft of something, and my mouth instantly fills with saliva as I breathe in the delicious smell.

The door to the kitchen is open, and I notice that the lights have been dimmed and soft piano music filters through the speakers.

I find Anton carrying two plates of food over to the table which has been laid with a crisp white tablecloth, candles, and a fresh bouquet of pink roses.

“Anton,” I gasp as I take in the sight of the romantic dinner he’s put together. “Did you do all this?”

“I thought you might need cheering up.” Anton sets down the food before crossing over to me.

He looks as if he’s going to wrap his arms around me but hesitates. “My mother always used to make me chicken parmesan when I was feeling down, so I thought I’d make it for you.”

“It smells wonderful.” I eye the plates of food, one of my favorites. “Thank you.”

The smile on my lips is genuine as I look up at Anton, his skin cast in a soft orange glow from the candlelight.

He takes that as his cue to close the distance between us, and I let him wrap me in his strong arms, pulling me against his chest.

I know I shouldn’t. It’s selfish of me to seek comfort from him, but when I breathe in his earthy scent, my mind empties of everything except him . The feeling of his warm hands on my waist, the sound of his heart beating in his chest, like a lullaby that could send me into a dreamless sleep.

I don’t want to let him go.

“I’m here for you, Nina, I hope you know that,” Anton whispers as he strokes my hair.

I screw my eyes shut as I fight a sob.

“Now, let’s eat before the food gets cold.”

“Should I change?” My cheeks burn as I glance down at my very casual attire.

“You look perfect,” he murmurs before pressing a kiss to my forehead.

Anton pulls my chair out for me, and I take a seat at the table, eagerly reaching for my fork to tuck into the food.

Silence falls between us, though I’m desperate for some conversation, if only to distract me from my spiraling thoughts.

“How was your?—”

“How old were you?—”

We both blurt out questions at the same time, and Anton chuckles, waving his hand at me to continue, but I shake my head.

“You go.” I take a bite of food to stop myself from speaking further.

“How old were you again when you started dancing?” Anton rests his forearms on the table.

He’s rolled his sleeves up to his elbows, and I eye the few tattoos he has covering his skin.

I’m desperate to ask him about all of them. I have no doubt that each and every one has a deep meaning behind it.

“Umm, I was three.” I push the spaghetti around the plate.

I feel Anton’s eyes on me, but I keep my attention focused on my plate.

“I just can’t get over how amazing it is that you’ve stuck at something so long. It really is impressive, Nina.”

“Thank you.”

“Where are you hoping to end up? Do you want to travel or join a particular company?”

“The American Ballet Company is the goal. It’s the best school in the country, and it’s right here in New York.”

“So, you want to stay in New York?”

“I think so… It’s starting to feel like home.” I meet Anton’s eyes across the table, and the smile he gives me is breathtaking.

The dimple appears in his cheek, and his eyes crinkle at the edges, which adds a certain softness to his otherwise sharp features.

“I’m glad to hear that. Now, I just have one more question.”

“Okay…”

“How hard is it really to balance on those pointy shoes?”

“They’re called pointe shoes.” I chuckle. “And it’s pretty easy once you know what you’re doing.”

“Do you have a pair handy?”

“Uh, yeah, I think so. Why?”

“Could you get them for me?”

I have no idea what Anton is up to, but I’m grateful for the distraction he’s providing. So, I quickly head out of the kitchen in search of my bag. I find it abandoned by the front door, and I root around in it for the pair of pointe shoes that are already quite battered and scuffed after using them all week.

Back in the kitchen, I hand them over to Anton who, to my surprise, starts trying to squeeze his large feet into them.

“What are you doing?”

He haphazardly ties the ribbons around his ankles.

“I want to try.” He grins, getting to his feet. “I want to show you how flexible I can be.”

“There are other ways to show me.” I chuckle as I sit back down and watch him bend his knees.

His trousers hug his muscular thighs as he squats before trying to rise up on his tiptoes with his arms over his head, but he quickly loses balance.

“Fuck, this is hard.” He tries and fails again.

I can barely contain my laughter as I watch him attempt to plié. “You’re very graceful.”

“How do you wear these things? They’re so uncomfortable.”

“That’s because they’re five sizes too small!”

Anton tries to arabesque and topples into me, and I burst out laughing as I try to catch him.

“Please stop, you’ll hurt yourself.” I laugh as I push him away.

“Are you not turned on by my dancing?” He feigns a look of innocence.

“Not in the slightest.”

“Maybe I need to try harder…” He reaches for the buttons on his shirt, and I squeal as he shrugs out of it and tosses it aside before trying to plié again.

“You’re ridiculous.”

He starts prancing around the kitchen.

“Perhaps, but it’s making you smile, and that’s what matters.” He looks at me over his shoulder.

My cheeks warm as I eye the rippling muscles of his back, my fingertips itching to explore them.

When I hear the buckle of his belt, I squeal and cover my eyes. “Are you giving me a strip tease?”

“Do you want a strip tease?” Anton’s voice sounds rough with need.

“Oh, my god.” I peek through my fingers to see him in nothing but his boxers and my damn pointe shoes. “Anton!”

“I think it’s working.” Anton smirks as he catches my eyes drifting to the prominent bulge in his pants.

“You couldn’t be more wrong.” I laugh, but the sound is forced, and my mouth is suddenly bone dry.

“Nina…”

I keep my hands over my eyes as Anton kicks off my shoes and stalks toward me, my pulse quickening with every step he takes.

His warm hands wrap around my wrists to move my hands away from my face, and I let him pull me to my feet.

“I like having you here.” He brushes my bangs out of my eyes. “Not that I wish for your safety to be compromised, but I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you.”

“Me too,” I whisper, my heart simultaneously swelling and cracking at the same time as I gaze into his rich brown eyes. “Anton…”

His lips brush against mine, and my thoughts vanish.

His tongue licks along my bottom lip, and a shiver courses through my entire body.

My lips part on instinct, and Anton slides his tongue against mine.

I lose all sense of control.

My arms are around his neck, and he’s lifting me off the ground in an instant, the dinner instantly forgotten.

We barely come up for air as he carries me upstairs to his room where he sits down on the edge of the bed, and I straddle his lap.

“I can’t seem to get enough of you.” He kisses along my jaw.

“I-I need you.” I grind against his erection.

My fingernails claw at his shoulders as I desperately try to ease some of the ache building between my thighs.

“I’m right here, lapochka .” He bites down on my neck.

I cry out at the sharp pain, but then his tongue gently licks at the hurt.

“Stand up for me, Nina, so I can get you out of these clothes.”

Anton peels off my clothes piece by piece, kissing along every bare inch of skin he uncovers until I’m so wet and aching for him that I’m practically sobbing with need.

As he finally pulls down my panties, his face inches from my pussy, I sink my fingers into his hair, and he takes that as his cue to lean forward and lick along my center, tasting just how ready for him I am.

“Christ, Nina,” he hisses before sinking his tongue inside me.

My legs almost buckle, and I grip his shoulders to steady myself as he continues to fuck me with his tongue.

His stubble feels incredible against my pussy, and I grind against his face, so desperate for more.

“Fuck, that it’s,” he grunts.

“Anton…”

He runs his tongue along my pussy before wrapping his lips around my clit and sucking on the sensitive bud.

His fingers quickly replace his tongue and before I can catch my breath, my orgasm hits, and I’m screaming with pleasure.

“Do you know how hard it is for me not to come in my fucking boxers when you make those noises?” He climbs to his feet and wraps me in his arms. “It’s like you’re trying to kill me.”

My body is limp with pleasure as Anton lifts me in his arms and sets me down on the bed before removing his boxers.

When he settles himself between my thighs, I push against him so that he rolls onto his back, and I climb on top of him.

“Like this?” His fingers dig into my hips.

I nod as I reach for his cock and line him up with my entrance, sliding his slick tip back and forth through my folds.

“Easy, Nina. Take it slowly, lapochka .”

I lower myself onto his thick cock.

My body shudders as I sink down on him all the way.

I brace my hands on his chest as I take a breath, trying to adjust to the size of him.

“So fucking tight,” Anton groans. “I think you’re made for me, Nina.”

“Yes,” I pant as I rock my hips. “I’m yours.”

Anton’s eyes darken, and he lifts me off his cock.

“That’s it, lapochka , ride my cock,” he growls as he pulls me back down, filling me once more.

“Anton.” I slowly lift myself off again.

He grips me by the hips and slams me back down as he thrusts upwards, the tip of his cock hitting me so deep that my eyes roll back.

His muscles flex beneath my fingertips as we increase our pace, both of us panting and moaning as our release builds.

I’m so wet from my previous release that the sound of Anton sliding in and out of me has my cheeks heating, but it only seems to add to Anton’s enjoyment.

The look on his face is feral as he watches me ride him, his hands moving, from my hips to my breasts to my neck.

Everywhere he touches me leaves a burning heat, and I’m slick with sweat as my pussy clenches around his cock.

When he finally brushes his thumb against my clit, I lose all control.

“Yes! Oh god, don’t stop,” I moan.

“So beautiful,” Anton mutters as he applies more pressure.

I screw my eyes shut, barely able to breathe as my entire body tightens. “That’s it, Nina. Come for me, zayka .”

It’s all the encouragement I need.

For a split second, my breath catches, and then my release hits, and I collapse on top of Anton as my pussy pulses around his cock.

He grunts as he wraps his arms around me and continues to fuck me through my release before emptying himself inside me.

After Anton cleans us both up, he climbs back into bed and pulls me against his chest, his breathing soon turning heavy with sleep.

I had hoped that the two orgasms would be enough to knock me out almost instantly but instead, it does the exact opposite.

The lingering ache between my thighs from Anton only serves as a reminder of the deep-rooted guilt that is taking up permanent residence in my chest.