Chapter 24

24

PATRICK

Thursday, 20 March

H aving Maddie here this week has been everything.

Last night, Erin and Niamh came over and hung out for a few hours after school. Saoirse needed my help with the girls while she covered a shift at O’Brien’s.

My nieces taught Maddie how to make the scones Mam showed them a few weeks ago, and there was so much giggling and squealing from the kitchen that my heart practically exploded in my chest. Then Mam stopped by to check out the finished product and not-subtly meet Maddie. They all laughed and talked and bonded. It was like she’s part of the family.

And that thought terrifies me.

Look at us right now.

She’s naked in my giant claw-footed tub, white bubbles all around her. Steam rises from the hot water, and I’m kneeling behind her on the bathroom floor, gently digging my fingers into her scalp to work the shampoo through dark strands of hair. Her feet peek out from the bubbles at the bottom of the tub, showing off the new three-heart tattoo she got on her left ankle after our fight on Friday night. I found it while kissing every centimeter of her body on Tuesday.

I’m washing a woman’s hair. And loving it.

I’m also begging the bubbles to shift so I can see more than the peak of her nipples.

“Sit up so I can rinse.” My voice cracks as I shift my legs to make room for the raging hard-on beneath my joggers. My shirt’s already off so it didn’t get soaked. There are so many feelings swirling inside me. Desire, affection, confusion. Love.

Christ, I love her.

“You’re spoiling me.” She leans forward, and I turn the handheld showerhead on and start rinsing the sides of her hair. “I don’t think someone’s washed my hair for me since I was a kid. Besides the hairdresser. And that’s not the same vibe.”

“It’s my pleasure, love.” I swallow hard and run my hands down her soft strands, letting my knuckles trail along her bare back. When the water’s clear, I turn it off and stand.

“All done?” She looks up at me and shifts her body, and now her breasts are fully above the water.

I nod.

“Are you going to join me in here before it gets cold?” Maddie holds her hand out.

“If you insist.” I practically leap out of my pants and splash into the water, making her laugh as I roll onto my back and pull her on top of me, kissing her lips, her neck, her collarbone.

It’s so easy to be with her in every way.

An hour later, we’re on the couch pretending to watch another movie. I’m braiding her damp hair as she sits between my legs. Her eyes are closed, and little happy whimpers keep coming out of her throat.

“I can’t believe you know how to French braid.”

I pull another section of hair into the thick plait, careful to smooth out the strand and link it securely around my finger so it lies flat.

“I learned so I could get the girls to school or soccer.” I pause. “Erin is very picky about her hair, so I watched about one hundred YouTube videos to learn to her satisfaction.”

“You’re an incredible uncle. And brother. And son.”

Normally, that’s one of my main goals in life. But this week, I’ve felt like I’m in some kind of alternate universe. Being with Maddie is all that’s mattered.

I’ve only gone to the brewery for a few hours a day even though there’s so much to get done. I can’t believe I delayed the Wellington Pubs meeting. It was a stupid decision. I was ready. I could’ve been gone on Tuesday just for the day. Saoirse or my parents would’ve happily checked on Maddie.

I could’ve requested a video call instead.

There were any number of solutions besides canceling the most important meeting of my post-soccer career.

And now Wellington’s not responding to my messages asking for new dates. I might’ve lost the biggest chance I had to change the future of Slea Head Brewery.

But I couldn’t bring myself to leave Maddie.

I cross another length of hair and carefully thread a new chunk in. Maddie opens her eyes and watches the movie, where the couple is screwing up their fake relationship by kissing for real in front of their friends at a party.

“You sure you don’t have a headache?” I finish the plait and secure it with one of Niamh’s stray hair ties.

She shakes her head. “Not for a few days now. You’ve taken good care of me.”

“Come here.” I gently tug her up to the couch. She complies and snuggles in next to me. The feel of her is heaven.

“This is nice.” She lays her legs across my lap and leans her head on my shoulder.

I’ve never met anyone like her. Maybe I’ve just never let myself fall into someone like this before. But somehow, this woman’s slipped through to me.

I’m hopelessly in love with her.

“It is.” I kiss the top of her head and rub her legs.

“I feel different with you than I have with any other man.”

I breathe out. So it’s not just me feeling this way. But the thought of her with another man is nauseating.

“I’m lucky that your ex fecked up enough that you are here with me now.”

“Blue was nothing.” Maddie huffs and shakes her head.

“Have you had a lot of boyfriends before him?”

She blinks up at me. “Kinda.”

“Tell me more.” I don’t know why I ask.

“You really want to know?”

No, I don’t, but I nod my head anyway. For a few seconds I don’t think she’s going to say anything more.

“I have a bad habit of dating people I work with.”

I raise my eyebrows and try to ignore the acceleration of my heartbeat. She and I are working together. It’s no big deal though. I’ve been engaged. Surely that’s more baggage than?—

“There were ten jobs. Ten boyfriends.”

“Ten?” My hands freeze on her thighs.

“Including Blue and the volunteer project.” Maddie stares at me intently. “A lot of them were no big deal. Everyone makes stupid mistakes in their love life in their twenties, right?”

I nod, doing my best to keep my expression clear.

“What about the other ones? Besides the ones who were no big deal? Were they serious?”

She shrugs and watches my hands, which I start moving again. “Maybe.”

I don’t push for more. I’m imagining her thinking about ten other men, and it’s not a good feeling. I’m imagining that I’m number eleven. I don’t like that either.

“I’m sick of my bad decisions with men ruining jobs for me.”

“How did they ruin jobs?”

She pulls her long plait over her shoulder, playing with the hair tie at the bottom, staring down at Niamh’s pink elastic. “When things inevitably go wrong with the guy, I quit.”

A cold feeling settles inside me. Every time something goes wrong with a boyfriend, she flees? That idea is terrifying.

“Do you want to hear about them? It might be good therapy for me.”

“I’m not sure I can handle that, love.” I’m morbidly curious, but my heart couldn’t stand to hear it.

Maddie lets out a short, humorless laugh. “I get it.”

She’s leaving anyway, but the idea that she might do it even if she didn’t have to preemptively hurts me.

Maddie stomped out of O’Brien’s the other night. Sure, I told her to go, but she fled. She came back, though. That’s something, right?

Loving this woman is dangerous.

“You’re sure you want to go back to work tomorrow?”

She nods and looks up at me, her eyes close to my own.

“Of course. I’m completely fine. I’ll take it easy, I promise.”

I’m too chicken to ask if she’s moving back to the flat, but I know she is. This was only while she recovered.

Besides, I didn’t invite her to stay.

She doesn’t actually live in Ireland.

She doesn’t live here, with me, in my cottage, in Dingle.

She’s not with me at all. Not really.

Maddie might be feeling better, but I’m far from recovered. I’m out of control. I love her. So why doesn’t it feel good? I feel like I’m drowning, I can’t get a full breath, my heart’s always racing, like that panic attack I had at the hospital after she got hurt.

Maddie’s breathing softly and her eyes are shut. I pull the fleece blanket over our legs and pause the movie.

Soon, she’ll leave me. No matter what spell we’re under right now, it’ll break, and she’ll realize who I really am.

Maybe I’m a good brother, uncle, son, but I’m no one’s boyfriend.

It’ll end, whether it’s because she gets on a plane or leaves me before then.

One way or another, I should prepare myself for it.