Chapter 22

22

PATRICK

I ’m antsy as hell right now.

The smell of bacon, scrambled eggs, and fresh cinnamon rolls—I’ve perfected the art of making them from scratch for my nieces—wafts through my cottage, and the girls giggle at the table as they lick icing-covered fingers. This is usually one of my favorite parts of having them stay over: making an extravagant breakfast before Saoirse picks them up.

But this morning, all I can think about is Sean quitting.

It’s even pushed out some of the dread around Maddie ignoring me after I was such an arsehole on Friday.

What am I gonna do about Slea Head? I’m only one person. I can’t be head brewer as well as run strategy and planning and administration for the brewery, plus keep an eye on things at the pub. I need to hire more people.

It won’t be easy to find someone as experienced as Sean. He knows everything about brewing and has been at Dad’s side at Slea Head for decades.

If it hadn’t been Cormac’s screwup that was the catalyst for Sean quitting, I’d consider giving the kid more responsibilities. But I can’t do that without risking even more going wrong. Not yet.

I’m gonna have to step up and step in, even though I already have so much on my plate, including the Wellington Pubs meeting this Tuesday. So much rides on that meeting. If it goes well, it could change everything for Slea Head. I can think about replacing Sean after I get through that day.

Saoirse shows up half an hour later.

“What’s wrong?” The girls run to the car, but my sister’s eyes are locked on me, her forehead crinkled. “You have a particularly unhappy expression on your face. Even worse than yesterday.”

“Sean quit.”

“No.” Saoirse gasps and glances over her shoulder at her daughters, who are settled in the backseat of the car. “Why? What are you going to do?”

I shake my head. “He hates me, hates change, hates everything. You know, the expected reasons.” Will I be a grumpy old man like that some day? Christ, I hope not. “I’ll need to cover his role at the brewery until I can find a replacement.”

“Pat, you already have, like, five jobs.”

“Not sure what else to do.”

“Hey.” Saoirse reaches out to touch my arm. “I can cover shifts at O’Brien’s if you need me to help.”

“You also work too much already.” The last thing I want to do is put more on my sister.

Saoirse shrugs. “Yeah. I do. But I’m getting fed up with the hotel. Maybe I’ll finally accept one of your job offers.”

“Anytime, Saoirse.”

“Have you made up with Maddie yet?”

“Feck.” I drag a hand roughly down my face. “No. She didn’t respond to my texts.”

“Well, she was working yesterday afternoon. Seemed disappointed when I told her you wouldn’t be coming by. I made sure to tell her you had my kids.”

I look up to the sky for help but find only thick gray clouds.

“Things have been shite at the pub. There’s been problems. Inventory issues. People quitting.” I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. They are implied words of blame, and my sister recognizes that right away.

Saoirse presses her lips into a thin line.

“And is that her fault?”

“No.” I sigh. “It’s mine.”

“You can’t expect her to take over O’Brien’s completely yet also call her a temporary manager. Go talk to her.”

“I don’t have time.”

She gives me a withering glare. “It’s your life to ruin.”

“I’m not ruining my life.” I squeeze my eyes shut. “Just because I’m spending so much time with her... just because I can’t stop thinking of her no matter what I’m doing... just because I’m dying over here with her mad at me... all of that doesn’t mean anything.”

I open my eyes to Saoirse’s shocked expression. Oops. Didn’t mean to say all that out loud.

“Jaysus, Patrick,” she huffs. “You have it even worse than I thought.”

“I do not. Pretend I didn’t say any of those things.”

“But you did.”

“Mam!” Erin yells from the backseat of the car. “Can we go?”

“One sec!” she calls to her daughters.

“I don’t have time to make Maddie even more of a part of my life. I can’t do it, Saoirse.” I follow Saoirse to her car, and she slides into the driver’s seat.

My sister does a shite job of suppressing a grin.

“What?” I throw my hands in the air.

“I should’ve known. I see the way you’ve been looking at her.”

I roll my eyes so hard, I hope it offends my only sibling. It does not.

“There’s nothing to know. Goodbye, Saoirse.” I lean my head into the car. “Bye, girls.”

Saoirse slams the door shut and backs out of my driveway, shaking her head as she goes.

Everything is a disaster.

The quiet of the cottage pushes against my eardrums. How am I going to get this all done?

My mobile buzzes, and I whip it out of my back pocket, hoping it’s Maddie.

But it’s Ian, and he’s calling, not texting.

“Morning, Ian. Alright?” I head back to the kitchen, clicking the oven off and swiping a finger full of icing from the half-empty dish of cinnamon rolls.

“Patrick. It’s Maddie.”

I freeze in place and icy dread wraps itself around my heart.

“She was in a bike accident.”

The air disappears from the room, leaving an eerie ringing sound in my ears.

“Is she okay?” My voice sounds distant, all garbled and muted like I’m underwater. I rake my hand into my hair and pull.

“They’re on their way to the hospital. My ex called. She was one of the paramedics on the scene and made the connection because I’d told her about the American tourist last time I dropped off the kids.”

“Ian. Is. She. Okay?” I repeat the question, noting that he didn’t answer the first time.

He’s quiet and I shove my fist against my mouth to keep the scream in my throat from escaping. I bite down on my knuckles until it stings.

“She wasn’t conscious at that moment,” he finally says. “Her helmet slipped, and she hit her head on a rock.”

It’s my fault. I should’ve bought her a new helmet. I knew the one she used on our bike ride was too big. Yet I still left it for her. I will never forgive myself for this. Not ever.

“She’s at Dingle Regional?” I’m not sure I even ask the question out loud, but Ian answers.

“Yes.”

“Call me if you hear anything more.” I end the call without waiting for an answer and dash out the door, swiping my keys and nothing else, all worries about the brewery and the pub suddenly insignificant.

None of it matters because Maddie was in an accident, and she’s in the hospital.

My car doesn’t move fast enough. My stomach turns over and over.

What if she... if she was okay, wouldn’t Ian’s ex have told him? If she wasn’t okay, would she have told him?

Panic threatens to take over my body and I force myself to breathe deeply as I navigate through Dingle. The hospital isn’t far from the center of town, so they would’ve been able to get her there fast.

I scream into the empty car. I haven’t felt this out of control... ever. Not when I found out Cara was cheating on me. Not even when I found out about Dad’s stroke.

Black spots linger on the edge of my vision. Saoirse had called me that day. Dad had been at the brewery. Sean was with him and called Mam after he’d called the ambulance. They were all there when I arrived at the hospital.

That drive from O’Brien’s to Dingle Regional had been torture, but at least then I knew Dad was conscious and talking to my family. I knew something .

I pull into the emergency room parking lot and try to dash inside, but my legs are heavy and it feels like I’m in a nightmare, trying to run but hardly moving.

All that matters is Maddie. I need to see her.

“Patrick McNulty?” a doctor calls into the waiting room. I spring up, ignoring the pulsing in my head.

“Is she okay?” I wring my hands together and rush to the doctor. He nods his head to follow him, and I do.

“She’s going to be fine,” he says as he ducks into a dark room, flicking on a switch and instantly blinding me with bright white lights. “She’s awake and asking for you.”

Profound relief washes over me, and I close my eyes for a beat to let the adrenaline in my veins slow.

It doesn’t.

“She wasn’t conscious when they picked her up but woke up soon after. She’s got a mild concussion from hitting her head on a boulder on the side of the road. Her helmet slipped. It saved her from a worse head injury, but she still made contact. She’s also got some broken skin and concrete rash from sliding on the asphalt.”

Some of the relief fades away. That all sounds awful.

“What happened?”

“Apparently, she swerved to avoid a flock of sheep that was blocking the road.”

My jaw drops open.

“Jaysus.”

“She shouldn’t have been riding a bike in these conditions, but tourists always do this. Take risks.”

I flinch at him calling her a tourist.

“She really shouldn’t be alone for more than a couple of hours for a few days. Are you her...” He leaves the question dangling.

What am I to her?

“She can stay with me.” I’m not leaving Maddie alone in her flat. I can take care of her at the cottage. What if something happens and she doesn’t have anyone to yell to? Or what if she just needs a cup of coffee? I could do that. I can at least be that to her.

“Right. Good. She can go home soon. You can see her now. Room five.”

I nod and swallow the lump in my throat that won’t dissipate. The doctor leaves me and I head in the direction he pointed.

With each step I take toward room five, my heart pounds harder, louder, like a drumbeat. I clench and unclench my fists. Fear grows in me like a crescendo. Fear of what? She’s fine. The doctor said so. What am I so damn afraid of?

I rest my hand against the doorframe of Maddie’s room and can barely bring myself to knock on the open door.

Panic attack. I’m having a panic attack.

“Come in,” Maddie calls. I step into view. “Patrick. You’re here.”

And she smiles at me. It’s everything. She’s in the hospital bed, her arm wrapped up in a bandage, looking like she got beat up.

My heart practically explodes in my chest. Words are stuck in my throat, and I stop at the bottom of the bed. I’m afraid if I open my mouth to talk, I’ll cry, or scream, or melt down.

“Are you okay?” Her forehead creases. “Come sit with me?” She nods to the empty seat next to her.

There’s a buzzing in my ears as I get closer to her and slip into the chair.

I knew I’d break this relationship, like I always do. I knew I’d ruin it. But I didn’t think I’d be responsible for physically breaking Maddie.

She reaches for my hand. I take it and never want to let go.

“I’m sorry I never responded to your text message.” Her voice is far away, that buzzing sound getting louder, the inexplicable terror seeping into every part of my body.

“What happened?” I whisper.

She looks at me with great concern. “Patrick. Are you sure you’re okay? You’re so pale. And you’re sweating.”

I nod my head, but she doesn’t look convinced.

“It was so stupid.” She sighs. “I got distracted, and it was wet, and a fucking herd of sheep were standing in the middle of the road.”

A ghost of a smile crosses her face, but I can’t even catch a breath.

What if she had... I gasp for air and my vision fades.

“Hey.” She sits up and pulls my hand to her chest, splaying it against the bare skin above her breasts, just like I did that night I busted into the flat and scared her. “I’m okay. I’m okay, Patrick.”

Her heart pounds under my hand and the steady beating slowly reassures me that she’s alive. My vision begins to clear.

“Do you feel me?” Her voice is closer now. “I’m here.”

She’s okay. She’s here.

Nothing else matters.

Only Maddie.

“Patrick?”

I nod, still unable to speak.

Feck.

Oh no.

Oh, shite.

I’m in love with this woman.

“Maddie.”

She smiles. “Yes. You okay?”

And I am. My heart is slowing, the adrenaline easing off, leaving me weak.

“I’m okay now that I know you are.” My voice works again, thank feck. “And my apology yesterday was shite. I should’ve done it in person.”

“Saoirse told me you had the girls.”

“I did. But this morning... I wish I’d called you to come over. Maybe you wouldn’t have...” I glance at her bandaged hand.

“I feel like this sheep thing is something I’m going to get made fun of for.”

“Eventually. It’s too soon.” My mouth quirks.

“I have a vague memory of one of them, like, nibbling on my hair. I think they felt bad and wandered over to make sure I was okay. I couldn’t just barrel into them! So I swerved. Into a rock. Bad luck, really, as there was soft green grass all around it.”

I stare at her face, her chocolate brown eyes, her gorgeous, plump lips. “I’m so very sorry I was an arse last week. Nothing that happened was your fault. It was my fault. All mine. I’ve been distracted lately, and so busy. Things keep slipping through the cracks.”

“Because of me. Distracting you.” She states it as fact.

I take a minute, but nod.

“You’d be better off if I weren’t here.”

“No. I’d be much worse off without you.”

I love this woman. I tug a strand of her long hair and lean forward to kiss her gently, my hand still on her warm skin, ensuring her heart still beats.

“You’re coming home with me. You can stay at my cottage.”

“You’re gonna take care of me?”

“Aye. Maddie.”

“In your house?”

I nod, and I’m sure she understands what a big deal this is.

“You called me Maddie, so that means you’re going to kiss me again.”

And I do, sliding the hand I have on her chest around to the back of her neck, leaning forward and pressing my lips to hers. With that kiss, I open my whole heart to Maddie Hart.

I feel so much worse than I ever have before.

When I pull back, she’s staring at me with a look I can’t read. I’d give anything to know what she’s thinking.

Anything except ask her.

Because the thing is, I can’t tell her I love her. I don’t think I could handle it if she doesn’t feel the same way. Or, if she does, what the hell would we do about it? It’s not worth the risk.

She’s going back to New Jersey to start her new life. I’m staying here in Dingle.

There’s no hope for us.