Chapter 30

THIRTY

I didn’t go straight home from the restaurant. Honestly, the idea of burying myself on the couch or crawling into my little space at the top of the stairs felt more than a little pathetic, and that was exactly what I was trying to escape by leaving.

Part of me wanted to stay. Xavier had so clearly made room for everyone else important to me. I should have been thankful that he was turning out to be the kind of dedicated father I myself had never had. All my fears about him and Sofia proved to be unfounded. It was more than I could have wished for. For her, anyway.

But in a way, it sort of made me feel even worse. It was clear that he could offer Sofia so much more than I ever could. His wealth, of course, made almost anything possible. But on top of that, there was simply the fact that, like the party where we had stumbled into each other, I just didn’t fit into his world. That restaurant was for her—as well it should have been. And it was for the patrons, the ones who could afford to spend hundreds of dollars on the world’s most expensive fish. Or girls like Joni, who loved to flirt with the kind of men who would pay for her meal regardless. Or men like Matthew, sophisticated no matter what, but even more so with someone like Nina at his side.

Me, though. No. It was like I didn’t exist.

And honestly, maybe I shouldn’t.

So I went to a place I always went when I needed a bit of cheering up—a bookstore. And after treating myself to a cup of tea and some Bront?, eventually I found my way back to Red Hook.

It hadn’t quite worked, though. I had wanted to dive into Jane Eyre and get lost in the fantasy of Mr. Rochester along with her. Instead, I kept coming back to the moment St. John finds her on the moor. When she’s lost, fleeing the house so far above her station, where she believed for one fleeting moment she might belong.

Except she didn’t.

The problem, I supposed, was that yet again I was faced with an impossible circumstance and impossible choice. Story of my life.

No one expects to get pregnant out of nowhere. No one expects the father to all but disappear. No one expects for him to show up again and turn out to be a duke of all things like you’re actually living in a Julia Quinn novel.

Then again, no one expects the duke to be sitting on their doorstep either.

Well, not unless you’re a duchess.

Nevertheless, there he was, sitting on my front stoop, elbows balanced on his knees, tuxedo jacket undone, neck freed from the top buttons of his shirt, black tie dangling down his shirtfront. He looked more than worse for wear, tired and tortured. But like a still-life painting, as beautiful as ever.

“Xavier?” I asked.

He jerked up, a few black locks dangling over his forehead. His blue eyes shone with fury and concern.

“Jesus, Francesca. Where the fuck have you been?”

I frowned as I drew my keys from my purse. “What do you mean, where have I been? Why aren’t you at your opening?” I looked around. “Where’s Sofia?”

The question was automatic before I recalled my sister’s offer.

“With Kate,” Xavier confirmed. “You don’t think I would have left her there.”

I swallowed guiltily. Of course, he wouldn’t.

Oddly, it only made me return to that feeling of uselessness. At least five months ago, I had parenthood over him. I knew when she was hungry and when she was tired. I could trust that I’d never forget her places and remember her favorite stuffed animal. My family helped, yes, but no one could ever replace her parent.

Now, what was I good for?

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

Xavier frowned. “Ces, what do you think I’ve been doing? I went out looking for you—fucking everywhere, I might add. Why haven’t you answered your phone?”

I took it out and only then realized it had run out of battery long ago.

He just shook his head. “Had the car take me to every bloody bookshop in Manhattan.”

“I went to one in Brooklyn,” I murmured.

Xavier did not look impressed. “Why?”

I toyed with the keys in my hand.

Xavier didn’t press, but I could feel that insistent blue gaze on me anyway.

Finally, he stood, taking a few short steps toward me on the walk. “Who are you now, then? Which book is it?”

I closed my eyes. How did he always know?

“ Jane Eyre ,” I mumbled, knowing there was no way I’d get out of admitting it.

“ Jane Eyre ,” he repeated. “I’ve heard of it. What’s that one about?”

I looked up incredulously. “You’ve never read Jane Eyre ? Isn’t that required for everyone on your side of the pond?”

“This might shock you, Ces, but when I was in school, I was more interested in watching football and riding motorbikes than reading old books. But I will now if it means that much to you.”

The idea of Xavier curling up by a fire with one of the Bront? sisters was enough to make me laugh.

Well, almost.

“So what happens in it, then?”

I sighed. “It’s the story of a young girl who comes from nothing. She’s brought to the estate of a wealthy man—Mr. Rochester—to care for his ward. Against all odds, she falls in love with him, but on their wedding day, his secret comes to light—that he’s married to a madwoman in the attic, and that Jane has no place as his bride. Heartbroken, she runs away.”

There was more to the plot, of course. But I’d only flipped through it at the shop, skipping to the parts I’d read so many times before, though it certainly spoke to me differently today.

I looked up at him, willing my chin to stop quivering, my eyes to stop watering, my entire body to stop shaking. Could he really not see what must have been written plainly all over my face?

“‘Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless?’” I whispered, reciting from my favorite passage.

Sometimes only another’s words will do.

Xavier blinked. “It’s a quote, isn’t it? You’ve just given me another quote.”

Cheeks pinked, I nodded. “From the book, yeah.”

Two large fingers slid under my chin, tipping it up so I was faced with the blue abyss of his starry eyes.

“I don’t think you’re any of those things.”

“Even little?” I wondered.

One side of his mouth rose slightly but fell right back down again. “Maybe little. But the others? Not at all. Poor and obscure? No. Plain? Try beautiful. Soulless and heartless? Farthest from it.”

I bit my lip. It was hard to believe.

“Why would you think I did? It was a restaurant opening, Ces, not a wedding. And there’s no madwoman in my attic.”

I closed my eyes, despite being held. The intensity there was too much. Xavier was always too much.

“I just felt…don’t get me wrong, Xavi. It was beautiful. You should be so proud, and I know Sofia loved it. Just like she adores you.” I sighed. I loved that she loved him. “I also know that I had no part in it. I didn’t belong there.” I shook my head. “I never thought I would feel that way with my family. Around my own daughter. But I can’t pretend she needs me quite so much when she’s with you. So I thought it would be best if I left. Let you share your victory together. You deserve to have things to share on your own with her. Just like I did for the last four years.”

Xavier blinked silently for a long time as he processed my words.

I sighed. Maybe there was no point in explaining this at all. Maybe it was time I just accepted the inevitable.

“It’s all right,” I whispered. “I won’t get between you two anymore.”

Eyes prickling, my vision wet and blurry, I tried to push past him. A hand on my wrist stopped me.

“Ces.”

I gasped. “Xavi, please let me pass.”

He didn’t, though. Instead, he pulled me back to face him. Standing on the stoop in my heels, I was still nowhere near eye to eye with him. But there wasn’t so far to look either.

“Don’t you understand?” he said, gripping my hand tightly. “You don’t need to worry about getting between us. We need you there, Ces. We don’t work without you.”

“I know,” I said sadly. “I’m the glue. For now. Don’t worry, Xavi. I’ll make sure you catch up. I’ll help you remember the birthdays and the playdates and stuffed animals she likes and her favorite foods. I’ll help you catch up so no matter who she’s with, she’ll always feel at home. But I know she has a family with you now just like she does with me. She deserves that. I won’t stand in the way anymore, that’s all.”

I would too, even if the very idea of sharing her with someone made my skin crawl. I could see it now. Xavier would return to England, and he would go back to his life there, whatever that meant. Dazzling parties like the one he’d just thrown. Sumptuous manor in the Lakes District. The London Season or jet-setting around Europe. He’d take Sofia with him wherever he could, and I wouldn’t be able to deny her, because I knew how much she loved him.

And maybe it would be fine for a while. Until, of course, he found a duchess to join them, someone who would be just as tall and beautiful and charismatic as he was.

I only hoped she would love Sofia too.

Xavier just stared at me for what seemed like hours, brow furrowed as if he was trying to decipher a recipe in a foreign language.

Then, at last, he shook his head emphatically. “No.”

I blinked. “ No ?”

“That’s right,” he said. “No.”

“But—what? What about everything you said to her at Nonna’s? How you were at the restaurant?” My melancholia was quickly evaporating. “Xavi, what the hell? You said you loved her? You told her that!”

“I do love her,” he said emphatically. “Of course I do. But Ces, you’re missing something fucking important. I also love you.”

My mouth dropped open in utter shock.

“Say something,” he prodded.

How could I say anything when I could hardly breathe?

“Xavi,” I whispered. “Don’t.”

Once again, the words from Jane Eyre floated through my mind. He couldn’t really be this cruel, could he? He couldn’t really believe I was so heartless it wouldn’t matter.

“Why?” Xavier demanded, taking my shoulders and shaking them slightly. “Why can’t I say it?”

“Because I can’t take it if it’s not true!” I burst out. “I barely managed to put my heart back together after you broke it before. But now…”

I closed my eyes. But now, all I could see were him and Sofia together. Everything was muddled.

“What, Ces? Don’t hold back on me now.”

“Now, I’d be ruined,” I said softly. “I’d never recover. I’d be that girl, wandering the moor, dying slowly of a shattered heart.”

“Francesca Zola.” His breath was warm and sweet on my face as he clasped my cheeks and nuzzled my nose with his. “ We’re a family,” he said solemnly. “You. Me. Our perfect, beautiful daughter. I adore Sofia for her own sake, yes. But, baby—Francesca—if she is the newest piece of my world, you are the sun we both revolve around.”

I hiccupped a sob. “I can’t—I can’t believe that could possibly be true.”

“Believe it,” Xavier said and set his lips on mine. “Don’t fight it. I love you, Ces. I’ll say it again and again until you believe it. But you can’t stop it. It’s inevitable, just like us.”

He kissed me again, and with every touch of his mouth, every insistent lick of his tongue, I felt my defenses crumble.

Love. Xavier Parker loved me .

Suddenly, I couldn’t get close enough. My arms twisted around his neck, pulling him down so I could devour every bit of him. Tears were rolling down my cheeks, seasoning our kiss with their salty flavor. Love, pain, lust, desire. All of it was mixed together, and the taste was intoxicating. I felt myself lifted off the stoop, then returned to my feet only to be walked backward until my back hit the front door.

“Please,” Xavier mumbled against my mouth before his lips dropped a line of kisses down my neck. “Let me in, Ces. Let me in forever.”