CHAPTER 20

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S he floated through laudanum dreams for fourteen hours before she awoke with a dry mouth and severe anxiety. Pretending to sleep for another thirty minutes, she considered her circumstances and reluctantly concluded that she was backed into a corner. Though it wasn't fair, she was going to be blamed.

" Philadelphia ?" Gilly's soft voice called from the side of the bed. "Are you awake? Here, let me help you sit up."

"Oh!" Pain radiated through her body. Every stiff, sore muscle protested the slightest movement. She must have bruises all over, and her wrist and ankle hurt. Her bottom ached with a dull pain that would remind her for several days of yesterday's ordeal. "May I have my mirror, please? It's on the vanity."

Gilly fetched the mirror, but Philadelphia wasn't sure she had the courage to look. First she sipped a glass of water. Then she smoothed back her hair and explored her swollen left eye with her fingertips.

Finally she raised the mirror and gazed into the glass. A long shudder passed down her spine. Her eyelid was the worst, black and purple and more puffy than her fingertips had told her. A raw gash cut across her forehead from eyebrow to hairline, and a large bruise covered most of her jaw. She hadn't knocked out any teeth, thank heaven, nor had she broken her nose, a possibility that had worried her for several days. She had been very fortunate, but then, she usually was.

Slowly, her pulse calmed. Her injuries were minor and would heal. In the meantime, the cuts, bruises, and her black eye would garner sympathy.

Gilly sat down beside her. "When you feel up to it …" She cleared her throat and studied her hands.

"Everyone wants to speak to you."

"I'd like to wash my teeth and brush my hair."

"While you're seeing to your toilette, I'll bring you coffee. Or would you prefer chocolate? You can have toast but no other solid food until the day after tomorrow. I made some chicken broth yesterday. Should I bring you—"

"Just the hot chocolate." Sudden hope flared. The way Gilly prattled on made Philadelphia wonder if perhaps Dr. Pope had not betrayed her after all. "The baby died," she said, testing the waters as Gilly stood.

"Yes. Here's your hairbrush and your tooth powder."

That didn't tell her much. "What did the doctor say? About the baby?"

At the door Gilly looked back, and there was no sympathy in her gaze. "You had a seven-month miscarriage yesterday. The baby you lost was not fathered by Max," she said coolly, shutting the door behind her.

The air went out of Philadelphia 's body, and her hands clamped into fists. The worst had happened.

Exactly as she had feared, the doctor had been her undoing.

What she hated most was the realization that she might as well have spared herself the fall down the staircase, since everyone had found out anyway. Lifting the mirror, she studied the cut on her forehead.

Possibly it would leave a scar.

On the positive side, she could toss away the shapeless sacks she'd been forced to wear. Best of all, the gossips who were speculating about her hasty marriage to Wally would see her in town as soon as she could get up and about, and they would see her as slender as ever. Whispers might circulate that she'd lost a baby, but no one really listened to cowboy gossip. The whispers would fall silent when she showed herself in the Ladies' Emporium.

She brushed her hair but didn't pin it up. Instead, she arranged a long golden curl over one shoulder. It made her look younger, more fragile.

Beginning to feel anxious again, she wondered who would appear first. When the rap came on the door, her nerves twitched and she thrust the mirror beneath the covers. "Come in."

Max opened the door, but he didn't step into the room. Morning light turned his face haggard, illuminating dark circles beneath his eyes and washing the color from his lips. Still, he had the power to stir her in ways no other man ever had.

"One word." His voice was low and hoarse. "Why?"

This wasn't a question she had anticipated since the answer was obvious. "Everything that happened is your fault, Max. I implored you not to leave me alone all summer. I begged you to stay, but you wouldn't listen. Even after I gave myself to you, you wouldn't do as I asked." Surely he understood the reason she had surrendered her innocence was to induce him to stay in Fort Houser . It had stunned her when he left anyway.

"I was hurt and lonely. Shocked that you would disregard my wishes and use me so badly. In July the son of an acquaintance of Father's stayed with us for two weeks." Accusation gleamed in her eyes."He paid attention to me."

She waited for Max to say something. But he didn't comment, didn't mention the cuts and bruises on her face. He stared as if she were a puzzling stranger who touched nothing inside him.

If she'd been standing, she would have stamped her foot. "I was angry, Max. You deserted me to go live with a grubby passel of prospectors. I missed all the engagement parties people would have hosted for us if you'd stayed here. Luis understood that. He said he would never have behaved so thoughtlessly or so selfishly toward his future wife!"

As she watched his eyes and his expression harden, she sensed that discussing Luis might be unwise.

She also sensed that her explanation was going badly, but she didn't know why.

She fluttered her fingers in a dismissive gesture, tilted her head, and gave him a sad, brave little smile.

"That's behind us now. I forgive you. All in all, everything worked out for the best. The baby just complicated everything. Now it's simpler. Now there's no rush, no time constraints. We can dissolve marriages we don't want and start over. It can be the way we both want it to be."

Max stared as if he didn't grasp anything she'd said. His behavior was beginning to annoy her.

"Max?"

Without a word, he turned on his heel. A moment later she heard his boots on the staircase.

Well, he needed time, that's all. Very likely he hadn't accepted responsibility for driving her into Luis's arms. But he would. Max was fair, and doing the right thing was important to him. By the time she regained her health, he would have considered everything she'd said and he'd be ready to apologize and they would pick up their lives together.

Before her next visitor, she had a moment to rest and enjoy the pleasure of flattening her palms on her stomach. In no time at all she would have her figure back.

"Mrs. Weaver sent you a pot of chocolate," her father said, entering without knocking. He placed a tray on her bedside table and the aroma of toast and hot chocolate wafted toward her.

"Would you pour me a cup? Please, Daddy?" she asked in a little-girl voice.

Like Max, her father appeared to have spent a sleepless and difficult night. He wore the same clothing he'd worn yesterday, and he hadn't shaved, leading her to guess that he hadn't gone home last night but had stayed here at the McCord ranch.

He gave her a cup of chocolate, then sat heavily on the chair Gilly had vacated. "I don't know where to begin."

"I wanted to confide in you, but I just couldn't." That's what would hurt him most. She hadn't come to him with her problems.

"It was Luis Delacroix," he stated flatly. "That son of a bitch was a guest in my home. I've known his father for twenty years."

"He overpowered me, Daddy." Tears wet her eyes. She saw Luis in her memory, imagined the scene so vividly it could have been true. "I resisted, but—"

"Really?" A chill hardened his tired gaze. "You didn't cry out? Told no one afterward? I'm willing to accept that Delacroix seduced you, but I won't accept that he did so against your will. You'd already been with one man; you knew what was happening. I remember watching you flirt with him, Philadelphia . I remember thinking you were too innocent to understand what you were doing." He made a sound of disgust deep in his throat.

"Please don't blame me." Tears spilled out of her swollen eye. "It was only once. An accident. Afterward I felt so ashamed, so frightened. I didn't know what to do."

"You've hurt so many people." He rubbed the salt-and-pepper stubble on his jaw, then straightened against the back of the chair. "I've apologized to Max and his wife. Naturally I'll end the restrictions against any hands they hire. When I return to the bank, I'll mark Max's mortgage paid and return his note.

I've told him if he needs a loan to buy more cattle, he can name his own terms. Maybe that will make up in some small way for … " He lifted a hand and let it fall back to his lap.

"You apologized? To Max and that creature?" She couldn't believe it. "He may not have been the one who … but he jilted me!"

"I wouldn't blame Wally if he decides to divorce you."

She gasped and stared. Divorce would be her decision, not Wally's.

"If he divorces you, I'll buy you a small house in Denver ."

"I don't want to go to Denver ! I want to stay in Fort Houser . This is my home!"

He shook his head. "You're my only child, Philadelphia , and I don't intend our estrangement to be permanent. But I don't want to see or speak to you for a long while. Perhaps we'll correspond from time to time." He rose to his feet. "If I'm not present to solve your problems, maybe you'll have a better chance to grow and grow up."

Stunned and speechless, she watched with her mouth opened in disbelief as he left the room. An estrangement? He was banishing her? But why? Truly, she didn't understand.

Before she could reach any conclusions, Wally entered the room and came to her bedside. "How are you feeling?"

Finally, someone thought to ask about her. "I'm sore and weak." Gingerly, she touched her black eye.

"I'll come right to the point." Wally pulled the chair closer and reached for her hand. "Your father has made a very generous offer. He's proposed that I open a new bank in Santa Fe."

"Oh please, Wally. I don't want to hear about business."

"Just listen. Your father will pay moving expenses. He'll build us a suitable house near the town square.

I'll receive a handsome salary plus stock bonuses. Eventually, I'll own the bank."

Us? Could he or her father really believe she would move a thousand miles away from her home? With Wally?

"Or," he said, meeting her gaze, "since I entered into this marriage based on a false premise, I can divorce you. Your father made it clear that the offer in Santa Fe is firm whether or not you and I remain married."

She would speak to her father aboutthat.

"Everyone seems to believe that I should divorce you. But I've thought about it, and that isn't what I want. I think you and I can make a fresh start. I think we could learn to love each other. But you may not agree; you may wish to regain your freedom. Therefore, I leave the choice to you. If you prefer a divorce, I won't object if you go to Wyoming and begin proceedings. You can claim that I've deserted you. Or you can come to Santa Fe with me, and we'll start over."

Of course it was her choice. And she had already decided what she and Max would do.

"If you choose to come to Santa Fe , then we need to set down some ground rules. We will never discuss this period of our lives again. I don't want to know who the man was or why you became pregnant by him. That's behind us and forgotten."

He looked down at his thumb stroking the back of her hand. "We will not have separate bedrooms. We will always dine together. We will visit your father and my family twice a year, and they will always be welcome in my home. That includes my brother and his wife, whom you will treat with respect."

"Do you have other demands?" she asked coldly.

"Very likely I will. If you can't abide by a few simple rules or if you can't take no for an answer, then go to Wyoming ." He shrugged and gazed at her. "You're selfish and self-centered, Philadelphia . Capable of cunning and deceit if it serves your purpose. I don't know why I think I could love you or why I find you challenging. But I do."

"No one speaks to me like that!"

Standing, he gazed down at her. "I don't expect you to make up your mind immediately. I won't be leaving for Santa Fe until the end of the month. You have until then to decide what you want to do."

"I can tell you right now!"

"I don't want to hear it now. I want you to think about everything, and be sure. Seems to me that you need to choose between making our marriage a real one, or facing the scandal of a divorce."

The word "scandal" gave her pause. He was right, of course. A divorce would finish her if she wasn't ruined already. Clearly, she could not remain in Fort Houser . But that didn't matter. She and Max would start over in some place new and fresh.

No one came to sit with her after Wally left. If she listened hard, she could hear faint sounds of conversation drifting from the kitchen, but the distance was too great to make out words. They were probably talking about her. Criticizing her. Making it sound like everything that had happened was her fault.

A genuine tear trickled down her cheek, followed by another. There hadn't been a choice. Anyone would have done what she did.

Max would understand. He just needed a little time.