Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Callie

Have you ever sat back and wondered how the hell your life got to this point? Can you pinpoint the exact moment it all turned to shit, but no matter how hard you try to excuse it, nothing changes? I wish, with everything I have, I could change that one moment; it's my biggest regret. I lost almost everyone who meant anything to me that night, and even though I've tried to make it right, I can't bring him back from the dead. My brother was my everything. He's gone, and it's because of me. People always say, "It's not your fault," but what a load of shit. If he wasn't coming to save me, it wouldn't have happened. The guilt I carry at how he wasn't around for his daughter, or there to support his girlfriend, eats me alive every day.

"Hi, my name is Callie, and I'm an addict. I've been sober for five years. I never thought I had a drug addiction. It started with a few pain pills and my life spiralled from there. My brother died in my arms because of my addiction—the gun was aimed at me. I never believed that before you die, everything happens in slow motion, but it's true—everything happened frame by frame. I stood there, motionless, and watched. Maybe I was just high, but I swear I can still see the bullet leaving the gun and my brother screaming out ‘NO!' as he shielded me with his body. I have nightmares when I remember him in my arms. There was so much blood. I couldn't stop the bleeding."

Someone hands me a tissue; despite the years, my story never gets easier to share. To say I've been the worst daughter, sister, aunt, friend, and mother to my son is an understatement. In the three years leading up to my brother's death, I abused more drugs and alcohol than I can remember. If I'm being honest, I don't remember a single moment from the day my brother was shot until the day I became sober.

I lost custody of my son just after Billy was shot. It became clear to my ex-husband—Beau's father—how bad my drug use truly was. I tried to hide it from everyone before that moment, and I thought I could stop whenever I wanted to and it didn't control me.

But I was wrong. My addiction had me held like a puppet on strings, dictating the direction of my life.

Walking out of the NA meeting, I feel better after talking with my sponsor, Olivia. She is an older lady, in her mid-fifties, with a world of experience hidden behind her eyes. All those years ago when I walked in here, alone and with nowhere left to turn, she took me in her arms and said, "I'm not going to lie to you, baby girl, this road isn't easy, but you have a friend in me. I'll be a set of ears when you need someone to listen, a helping hand when you need a hand up, a loving set of arms when you need someone to hold you, and I'll tell you everything will be okay."

Today's meeting finished a bit earlier than usual, so I head to the little coffee shop just around the corner. I'm meeting my son, Beau, in an hour, so I also buy a newspaper to read while I wait for my coffee.

ROCKER EDDIE DIAMOND FLIPS OUT

The headline for the front cover of today's paper catches my attention. Why do they put this shit on the front cover? Like people care, anyway. Where's the real news? People like him really get under my skin. He has all the money in the world and yet he ends up in newspapers because of a drug binge. Call me a hypocrite, but I didn't come from money, though I wish I did. The number of times I wished I could have afforded rehab... well, that's the excuse I still tell myself. I throw the paper in the trash because I don't need to beat myself up more today.

When the young girl brings out my coffee, I decide to take a walk to clear my mind. Some days are easy, but some are harder, especially the days I see Beau. Seeing him reminds me of what a bad mother I was to him, and of a time when drugs were more important than my own child. I know he still remembers a lot of what happened. He says he's okay now, but I can see how much he holds back. It still plays on his mind, and I don't blame him—I let him down so many times. I remember when, not long after my brother's death, I was placed on suicide watch. After a month-long stay in hospital, you'd think I would have wanted to remain clean; looking my baby in the eyes the day I was released and hugging him should have been enough... but it wasn't. As I walked from the hospital and the feelings and memories hit me hard, I convinced myself I was okay and that I could do it, but I should have known better.

It was worse when, at twenty-nine, I finally admitted I had a problem and wanted help. I needed to live with my sister for a while, and though she told me she didn't blame me for our brother's death, how could she not? Then, on top of that, she took me in and helped me get sober. I wouldn't have blamed her if she'd wiped her hands of me after our brother's death, which happened a few years prior to me asking for her help. I put her through so much over the years, and I owe her my life. If she hadn't helped me, God knows where I'd be today.

Beau and I are meeting at our usual spot in the park across from where he lives with his father. A pang of guilt washes over me at the thought of my poor boy having to deal with the death of his uncle, a man he was so close to, and my problems on top of that. A lone tear slips from my eye as I watch my now-grown son walk towards me. He has turned into an amazing man, and I can't form the words to say how much it means to me that his father raised him so well. I'm even grateful to his stepmother, Tara, who was a mother to him when I wasn't, and whom he also calls mum. At first, I was gutted because I'm his mum, even if I was a shitty one, but when she asked to meet, I could tell why they love her. I'm forever grateful she stepped up to the role when I couldn't get my act together.

"Mum, please don't get upset. We've talked about this. I forgive you and love you," Beau says as he puts his arm around me and kisses me on the top of my head.

"Don't worry about me, I'm being silly. You've just grown up and become a man. What are they feeding you over there? You keep getting taller every time I see you."

Our visit today isn't a long one, but I always stop by when I can and remind myself why I need to stay sober. I know it might seem selfish, but it helps when the small nagging at the back of my mind grows and tells me I'm useless, I'm not strong enough to do this, and it should have been me and not Billy.

We sit on the swings, and Beau tells me about his day. I feel lately he wants to tell me something, but he never does. His best friend, Jaynie, skips towards us, and I've secretly been hoping they would somehow become more than friends.

"When are you two going to realise you are meant for each other?" I ask with a smile. The look he gives me shows he knew I was going to say that.

"When will you stop asking the same question?" he retorts under his breath.

"When you stop pretending."

"It's complicated, Mum. We're more than friends, she's my soulmate," he whispers back, kicking my leg.

"What are you two whispering about?" Jaynie asks.

"Just plotting world domination," Beau says with a smile, and Jaynie laughs. Beau gives me a look which says, keep your mouth shut .

"I'll leave you two to do whatever you do. I need to get home before your aunt sends out a search party."

"Her heart is in the right place," Beau reminds me.

"I know, I'll see you in a few days," I say, blowing Beau a kiss. My son won't ever be too big to get a kiss from me, one way or another.

My sister, Jen, worries about me way too much. I love her, and I know she only has my best interests at heart, but living with her for the last five years hasn't exactly been easy. Since I never truly trusted myself, I've used her as a security blanket over the years. However, now I feel like it's time for me to move on to the next chapter of my life.

The walk to Jen's only takes me half an hour, and as I open the front door, she gives me a look of relief. A small smile crosses my face in return, and I head straight to my room.

I haven't told her about my search for a second job and my own place to live, and I'm not sure how well she will take it. Once I power up my laptop, I scroll through a job site I'm registered with, but nothing new pops up. Though I love my job as a server, it's not my dream job. I'm clueless exactly what is, but if I'm lucky, it will appear out of nowhere.

Social media isn't really my thing, but I like to see all the crazy photos Beau and Jaynie post every day. Distractedly, I open my ACE TV account—they stream live music and have interviews with musicians—load my playlist, and click on the most recently played. My eyes are drawn to the door and know I need to find the courage to talk to Jen about moving out. My subconscious is clucking at me, telling me to stop being a big chicken. Jen is my sister and loves me, but let's hope she remembers how much when I tell her my decision.