The Legend of the Stinkhorn Mushroom

Claude

“I’M ALIVE! I’M ALIVE!” Jenny screamed.

I smiled against Sonny’s kiss. “It’s back,” I told him before lifting my head and yelling. “Good morning, Jenny! It’s wonderful to have you here again.”

Sonny grinned up at me, watching me talk to the house.

“You saved me! Claude, you saved me!” Even though Jenny didn’t have a face or a mouth, I could tell the house was smiling. I heard it in its voice.

“I did.”

“You figured it out on your own. You’re so smart,” it crooned.

“No, I didn’t, actually. The Earth Bells... showed me. Sonny figured it out on his own, though.”

He trailed his thumb over my jaw.

“Because Sonny is a doctor. He is very, very clever, and handsome, and incredible, and I’m still not sure what the wee-wee obsession is all about, but hey ho. He’s the best.”

“He is,” I agreed, and leaned down to kiss him again. His hand slid over my shoulder and down my back.

My very naked back.

“We should get dressed,” I suggested, suddenly conscious we were both nude in a semi-public field.

Sonny laughed and pushed to his feet. He took the hand towel from the bag of supplies and wiped the cum off his stomach, then he handed it to me.

We pulled our clothes on, occasionally sparing each other smirks and gentle kisses. Sonny only wore two items of clothing, besides his socks and trainers. My PJ pants with the trains printed on them, and his adorable hoodie with the hood up. No underpants. He was dressed in seconds. He turned to me and began buttoning my shirt. His mouth was on mine before he’d made it halfway.

“So, what happened while I was asleep?” Jenny said, not caring I couldn’t, or wouldn’t, answer it. “Hey, why is Sonny here and not with his precious Dr Science-Book?”

I ignored Jenny. Carried on kissing Sonny. Threaded my fingers into his.

The sun had now fully risen, painting the sky with its golden-coral glow. The birds had realised the end wasn’t nigh, and had somewhat toned down their cacophonous cheering. We stood side by side, Sonny’s arm over my shoulder and mine around his waist, and watched the morning roll in. Watched the clouds drift languidly over Stinkhorn Manor. Watched the colours of the sky shift from orange to pink to lilac and eventually to blue. Watched the butterflies and bees and birds gorge themselves silly on the overabundance of wildflowers. The mammals—from tiny mice to majestic deer—visiting the newly created paradise.

“Don’t answer me then, fine!” Jenny huffed several times.

I didn’t. Because I had forever to catch up with the house.

But even forever with Sonny wouldn’t be long enough.

I thought back to the day at the pool when we watched the sunset together—and now we had this incredible sunrise—and how lucky we were to share such beautiful skies.

Or maybe the skies were more beautiful because he was the one sharing them with me.

Maybe everything was better, easier, prettier with Sonny by my side.

“How’s your... down there area?” I pointed to his ass. As much fun as it had been at the time, I understood Sonny had a little more recovering to do than me.

“Squelchy, but fine. Not sore. Are you hungry?”

I laughed at how his mind had immediately connected those two things. My stomach answered his question by groaning loudly.

He rolled the duvet up and wrapped his arms around it, ready to carry it inside. It was damp from the morning dew. In its absence, flowers sprang up like little jack-in-the-boxes. I hooked my arm around Sonny’s waist and we began strolling back to the house, avoiding trampling the flora and fungi as best as we could.

“Weird that all this magic came from my balls,” I said, dodging a baby oak tree I was certain hadn’t been there earlier.

Sonny barked out a laugh. “Not to me. Makes perfect sense to me.”

“Will you be able to write about this in your paper? Fuck! Your paper! What’s going to happen with that?”

“Well, my meeting’s supposed to be this afternoon.” He checked his pocket watch. It was five a.m. “I expect we’ll be sound asleep by then. At least I’m planning to sleep.”

“So, they won’t print your article?”

“It’s unlikely, but it’s okay. This was so much more important. I’ll have other opportunities to publish,” he said.

“But your ideas would have such wide-reaching consequences. You could help heal the Eight and a Half Kingdoms.”

Sonny nodded, his expression sombre. Or, not sombre, but not his usual toothy grinning self. “Now that we know what the magic is, it’s going to be difficult to write about. Not only because of the law rendering us silent, but because it’s just an awkward thing to talk about. Because, I dunno, it feels sort of taboo. And I’d need to do some research to find out if the same glamour would work elsewhere, or if it’s something particular to Stinkhorn Manor. You know stinkhorn mushrooms are known in folklore for being aids to fertility, so it makes sense the ritual would be jsssuuuuuuufffff.” He cleared his throat. “But what would the ritual involve if, say, the shroom fae were elf caps?”

“Well, I’m glad we don’t have to figure that one out,” I offered.

“Right.” He was smiling again, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “And the other thing I need to research is if your...” He avoided saying the word because we both knew he wouldn’t be able to get it out, anyway. “Would have any potency outside of Stinkhorn grounds. So, does it have the potential to help people in the way we think it might? And even if it does, how exactly could we... bottle it”—he gave me an apologetic look—“so that it’s accessible on a mass scale?”

“Yeah, I hadn’t thought about that.” I suddenly understood the devastated expression on Sonny’s face. It wasn’t like I could hook myself up to a milking machine. Well, I could. I was sure I’d enjoy it for a little while, at least. But that would not be a long-term, or even short-term solution. One man couldn’t ejaculate enough to save an entire planet. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’ve witnessed a miracle today. Not just witnessed it, but have been part of it. Basically, the kind of glamour I’ve been dreaming about my whole life. And it’s all thanks to you.”

I kissed him again. Couldn’t help myself. “I love you.”

He didn’t say I love you back. “If … that doesn’t do anything outside of Stinkhorn land, I will simply continue to pioneer local magic through good soil health. Every person has the capability to make minor changes that’ll have a big impact.”

“Pee-bales for everyone!” I said.

Sonny dropped the duvet to the ground and pulled me close, kissing me fiercely.

“Pee-bales for everyone,” he repeated, once we broke apart.

When we got to The Night Cap, it was to find Oggy still cradling a pail and Willow wearing Oggy’s pinny.

“I’m cooking breakfast today,” they said. “So, good luck with that.”

Oggy glanced up from the bucket. “Thank you for saving us all,” she said meekly. “I really didn’t want to go back into the ether. It smells weird, and the food is awful, and we’re not allowed to decorate.”

Before I could even ask what the hecking fuck the ether was, or say anything to either of them, John pulled me into an organ-smushing hug.

“I knew you could do it,” he whispered, grabbing Sonny over my shoulder, and tugging him into the embrace as well. “It’s tradition after the solstice to have a party. In the summer, Angus would usually go nap, and then we’d have a big feast in the evening with all the new fruits and veg.”

“New fruits and veg?” Sonny’s eyes lit up.

“You should check out the kitchen gardens,” John said.

“Oh, my gods, can we?”

“Of course,” I said. “Before or after breakfast?”

Sonny looked at my tummy, which chose that exact moment to rumble like a distant thundercloud. “We’ll go after. I can wait.”

“The Winter Fest feast is better, though,” John continued. “Because the ritual is performed at sundown on the shortest day, and then we party immediately afterwards.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” Sonny said.

My heart slammed itself against my ribcage. Sonny was looking forward to the winter solstice ritual. He was sticking around. Or at the very least, he’d be back. With me. On Winter Fest. A holiday most people spent with their families.

Why was my vision suddenly so cloudy?

Somebody cleared their throat behind me, and I caught the faint whiff of eggs.

I turned, and there stood Mr Dupont, teeny tiny jean shorts around his middle and a sorry-for-himself, puppy-dog expression on his face.

Instinctively, I stepped in front of Sonny, shielding him. I remembered everything Sonny had told me about the kidnapping and the escape. “Listen, I know you’re nine feet tall and a product of actual Hell, but if you harm my boyfriend, I will destroy you.”

Beside me John said, “Nawwww, so sweet.”

“I’m not going to hurt him. I promise,” Mr Dupont began. “I need to say something to Sonny.” He looked over his shoulder to Mrs Ziegler, who stood in the entrance of the guest-house dining room.

She said nothing, not so much as an encouraging nod.

“Uh, I just wanted to say... I forgive you for wasting all the diesel in the rental truck—”

“Jasper!” Mrs Ziegler snapped, her tone bursting with danger.

“Fine, I’m sorry I kidnapped you. And forced you to play twenty questions with me. And made you squeeze through a jagged little hole in a bathroom wall?” He phrased his apology like a question and looked at Mrs Ziegler for confirmation.

Again she said nothing, clearly expecting more.

“And I promise never to kidnap you again, or His Lordship, or interfere with the ritual in any way.”

Sonny side-eyed me, then turned back to Mr Dupont. “I don’t trust you.”

Mrs Ziegler stepped into the room, and everybody’s attention was drawn to her. It was as though the air in the room was being vacuumed out.

“You don’t need to trust him. But I’m asking you to trust me. Jasper... and I have had a chat, and well, it’s my fault. I may have, in the past, asked for things that would affect not only me. That would have a much broader impact...” She looked around the dining room. Her gaze landed on Oggy, and she let out a breath. “I’ve been incredibly selfish. But we’ve made a deal—a soul bond, actually. Jasper and I are now tied as one. If I am destroyed, Jasper will be destroyed along with me.”

Oggy gasped, her eyes bulged. “Woah.”

Sonny’s fingers tightened within mine.

“I get it,” John said. He took out his notepad and scribbled something inside. “Kill the mothership.” Had he had that thing on him the entire time?

Mr Dupont coughed. “Also... pinky promise not to kidnap you.” He held out the baby finger of his right hand.

Sonny peered down at Mr Dupont’s finger as though it were a dead mouse, but eventually he wrapped his own around it. He turned to me and shrugged, and in truth, I could not think of an apter response to the happenings of the past twenty-four hours.

“Grubs up!” Willow came into the room holding two plates aloft. They placed them on our usual table-clothed table. Eggs royale and a vegetarian fry-up. Like Oggy’s, only not as well presented.

Oggy retched. “Sorry. Food smells. I need some air.” Then she got up and left us.

Willow brought out another two plates of food, one for John and one for themselves, and plopped them on the table near ours.

“Jasper Dupont, it’s time for your punishment,” Mrs Ziegler said without a shred of emotion. She turned and waltzed out of the room.

Mr Dupont laughed the dirtiest laugh I’d ever heard and ran after her.

Sonny and I sat down.

“She’s not mad he tried to kill her?” he asked, picking up his fork.

I thought about those two. Everything Mrs Ziegler had said to me. She was an immortal prisoner, stuck in this house for the rest of time.

“Once you have seen as many atrocities as I have, you begin to learn who can recover from their actions and whose soul will be permanently maimed.”

She had been talking about herself. By trying to destroy Stinkhorn Manor, Mr Dupont had offered her the only way out. And now he had tied himself to her.

And I felt strangely sad.

“It’s... complicated, I guess,” I said. In the future, we’d discuss the pair of them at length. But now wasn’t the time.

Sonny nodded. He understood. Of course he did. He was fucking brilliant at everything.

I had an idea. “Hey, Sonny?”

He lifted his eyes to me. Butterflies swirled in my stomach.

“Would you like to create some science cultures from my... magic source?”

He dropped his fork. His eyes went so wide I was worried they’d never stop growing. His cheeks flushed all the way to the tops of his ears. “I would love that. Oh, gods, I would love that so much. Claude, I love you. You would jizz in a cup for me? Hey, I can say jizz if it’s not related to the rriiiiiicccchhhhaaaahhh. Sort of.”

I leant over the table, seized Sonny’s face in both of my hands, and kissed him. “I would jizz on anything for you.”