Chapter 17

“ T hanks again for watching Amy at the last minute,” Logan says as I walk him toward the door.

About twenty minutes ago, he brought her over. But instead of leaving right away, he hung around to make sure she was settled in because that’s the type of dad Logan is.

“No worries at all,” I say, leaning against the wall.

“I wish I could get out of this stupid interview tonight, but you know how that goes. But I do feel bad, knowing you’re recovering. I asked Walker and Poppy first, but they are visiting Walker’s sister, Briar.” He glances back toward the hallway that leads to the living room, where Paige and Amelia are, and sighs. “I don’t usually just dump her off at random places, I swear.”

“Dude, stop. It’s not like this is a crackhead shack or something. Also, I’m a little offended you asked James before me,” I say, smacking his arm. “But seriously, it’s our honor. I don’t like a lot of kids—you know this. But I love Amy. We both do. So, really, you’re doing Paige a favor because, now, she won’t be stuck hanging out with me, solo, all night.”

Logan nods. “Thanks, man. I really appreciate it. So much so that I’ll spare you a dad joke—this one time.” He stops, concern growing on his face. “It’s just … I don’t ever want to put you or Paige in a position where something hurts you or you feel uncomfortable.” He jerks his chin toward the living room. “I hope having Amelia around isn’t too hard on you guys. I never really thought of it till now, and I feel like a shithead.”

Logan is one of the few people who knows the truth about our infertility struggles. And leave it to him to be thoughtful enough to worry about our feelings when it comes to watching his kid.

“Cut it out,” I utter, shaking my head. “We are fine. We’re figuring our shit out, and we can’t hide from kids just because we’ve struggled to have kids of our own. Besides, I love Amelia like family. And even though Paige hasn’t been around her much in a while, she loves her too. The Sharks are a family, Sterns. As sappy as this fucking sounds and even though it’s off-brand as fuck, coming from me … you and Amelia are the glue. We’re happy to help.”

He stares at me for a beat before throwing an arm out and pulling me to him in true lover-of-all Logan Sterns form. “Fuck, man, you’re getting me choked up. Talking all this emotional shit.” He pats me on the shoulder. “I’m happy for you and Paige for finding your way back to each other. I mean, it sucks that it took you almost dying to do it, but at least it’s happened now.”

“Thanks,” I say, tensing. “We’re not out of the woods yet though. We have a lot to figure out.”

“Yeah, but you will.” He sounds so confident about that, and I wish I could believe him. “Marriage, I imagine, is a lot like having kids. You gotta figure that shit out as you go. I know I did.” He winces. “If you don’t believe me, you should have seen me figuring out how to put a diaper on her. Or how to put ponytails in her hair so that it wasn’t in her face.” He chuckles, clapping his hands together. “Trust that it’s all going to be okay, Kolburne. She might have come here at first because you needed her. But you look pretty healthy to me, and she’s still here. That should tell you everything you need to know.”

Pushing the door open, he looks at the hallway again and sighs. “Bye, baby,” he calls out. “I’ll see you in a little bit. Be good for Uncle Kolty and Paige.”

“I will, Daddy! I love you!” she calls back, and there’s something about it that sends a stab to my chest, as I imagine how much pride he must feel when she says that.

“See you later.” I force the words out.

“Call if you need anything,” he says before heading outside.

I walk back down the hallway and into the living room, and my chest swells as I watch my wife put on a puppet show for Amelia. Even though I know it hurts her, she’s doing it anyway.

Because that’s who she is.

“Daddy said you and Uncle Kolty are married,” Amelia says, sprinkling some more cheese onto the mountain that’s already piled high on her heart-shaped pizza. “I wish I could have been the flower girl.”

I snort, unable to help myself, as she gives me the most bummed, unimpressed look before going back to her pizza. I have to admit, I admire how neat she is with her pizza-making skills. Most three-year-olds would have sauce and cheese everywhere—at least, I imagine they would. But not her. Heck, she made less of a mess than Kolt did before he threw his together and then ran out to the mailbox.

“Sorry, sweetie,” I apologize, genuinely feeling bad because it’s obvious she’s disappointed over it. “We eloped. So, we didn’t have a flower girl. And it was also a long time before you were born.”

“Loped? What does that mean?” She scrunches her nose up before pushing her pizza toward me. “Done!”

“Wow,” I say, admiring her pizza before taking it from her and sliding it into the oven, next to the others. “It means that we got married alone—with just us there. Well, us and the guy who married us.”

“Why would you want to do that?” She sounds sincerely offended now. “And what about the dance party after?”

Setting the timer on the oven, I lean against the counter, facing her. “Nope. Not even a dance party. But that would have been fun, wouldn’t it?”

I think back to the day we got married. I know it broke my mom’s heart that we never had a ceremony or a reception. After all, I’m an only child, so of course, my mom expected us to have a huge-ass wedding. We promised her we would let her plan one someday, but it never happened.

“Are you and Kolty going to have a baby, like Walker and Poppy?” Her eyes widen. “They are having a boy though. So, I wish you would have a girl, and then I could do her hair because I’m an expert at hair-doing.”

You have to love kids. They can rip your heart to shreds and stomp on it and have no idea they’re doing it, meaning absolutely no harm, all while looking cute.

I can’t give her an answer. Because even if I do stay, there’s no guarantee that we will ever have kids. Whether we do or not, that isn’t why I haven’t given Kolt an answer yet.

“Maybe one day,” I say, trying my best to smile because she’s three and she doesn’t understand the reality of everything going on with Kolt and me.

“Good,” she says, sounding content. “Uncle Kolty would make a good daddy. He would buy his baby so many stuffed animals!”

It’s crazy how words can warm your chest while hurting your heart at the exact same time. But that’s what happens the moment they leave her adorable lips. She’s right though. That man would make the very best dad.

“He sure would.” The words luckily come out smoother than I assumed they would.

Suddenly, Kolt appears in the archway, heading into the kitchen toward me. The look on his face tells me he heard at least some of the conversation, and that makes it hurt worse because I know it’s already been such a huge burden on him.

“There’re my two favorite girls,” he drawls, trying to sound lighthearted before he starts toward us.

He leans in, and his stubble brushes against my cheek. He doesn’t say anything about the discussion because he doesn’t need to. We both understand the weight of it all, and yet neither of us wants to lead on to Amelia that we’re hurting.

Maybe it’s messed up, but knowing Kolt understands the pain … it somehow brings me comfort. Not because I want to see him hurt, but because I feel less alone.

“Having fun?” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to my temple.

“Mmhmm,” I whisper, leaning my cheek into him and breathing him in. “The pizzas will be done soon. I think Amelia’s pizza is probably the best-looking of all three.”

“So, you’re not just an artist, but a chef too?” Kolt boasts before stepping away from me and opening the oven to peek inside. “Wow. Paige wasn’t kidding, Amy. That’s like … art on a pizza. Angelo’s Pizza downtown had better watch out; you’re fixing to show them up.”

I love watching him interact with her; it comes so easily to him. When I left, she wasn’t even two years old. He’d buy her stuff and spoil her back then, but she didn’t have as much of a personality, and they weren’t as close as they are now. I love seeing how tight they are, but I’m also mad at myself for missing so much of it.

I guess the silver lining in Kolt’s injury is that it forced me back here. It forced us to finally be honest with each other and get everything out in the open.

One thing is for sure: coming back here has given me a lot of clarity on how much I’ve missed everyone.

“Hey, when we went to the store, I got you a coloring book,” Kolt tells her, grabbing the bag he came out of Walgreens with earlier. “Want to color while we wait for our pizzas to cook?”

Amelia’s face lights up, and she nods quickly. “I’d love that, Uncle Kolty.”

As he sits in the seat beside her, he takes out all the coloring supplies, and they start to color, my heart doesn’t hurt right now …

In fact, my heart feels more whole than it has in a very long time.