Chapter 13

“ U gh, I actually hate going grocery shopping.” I scrunch my nose up, walking next to Kolt as he pushes the cart. “If I had known this was the plan, I would have made a curbside order.”

Kolt chuckles at me as he leans on the cart, pushing it through the produce section. He’s well aware of my dislike for grocery stores, especially when I didn’t have time to make a list.

“I don’t need much, sweetheart. I plan to eat most of my meals between your thighs.” He winks and holds his hands up for a second before returning them to the cart. “Fine, fine. Let’s just get something that’s easy and doesn’t need many ingredients,” he says gingerly. “How about a few steaks for tomorrow?”

“We still need lunch though,” I say thoughtfully. “I’ll get stuff for grilled cheese.”

“Perfect,” he utters, continuing to push the cart farther into the grocery store.

Prior to curbside pickups, we always went shopping together. He’d pick out things I knew he’d never eat, but he thought they looked cool. I’d sneak them back when he wasn’t looking because, unlike Kolt, I was frugal. Even something as simple as grocery shopping was fun because we did it together.

And then I got lazy and wanted to quickly pull up, pop my trunk, and have someone else load my shit inside. Looking back, I wish we had kept the tradition of going together. Little things are always big things. I just didn’t see it then.

The sound of a child wailing assaults my eardrums, and when we round the corner, I see a toddler on the floor, pounding their fists against the tiles with their father standing over them, trying to talk them down, while the mother looks embarrassed, a tiny baby in a carrier against her chest.

“Henry,” the woman says, keeping her voice calm, looking up at us as her cheeks grow red, “there are other people trying to shop. Your sister is asleep. Please use your words, okay?”

Scooping the boy up, the dad attempts to slide him into the front of the cart, but the child begins kicking.

“No!” he screams, flailing around like an animal.

I glance at Kolt, and we both try not to stare as we sneak by.

“Excuse me,” Kolt mutters, steering the cart around the absolute chaos.

“Sorry,” the dad huffs out. “Missed naptime. And now … well, you see it.”

I flash them a sympathetic smile and shake my head. “No need to apologize. I feel the same way about being in the grocery store right now. I’m just not as cute as him, so I can’t get away with showing it. But trust me, I want to.” I let my eyes float to the baby, who stirs gently against her mom’s chest. “You guys have a beautiful family.”

“Thank you,” she says, attempting to smile, but there’s no missing the look of defeat on her face. “We promise to wait in this aisle for a few minutes to give you two a head start so that you won’t have to listen to meltdown paradise anymore during your shopping.” It’s meant to be lightheaded, but there’s a certain strain in her tone.

“Holy shit,” the dad suddenly whispers once he finally gets the crying kid strapped into the seat. “You’re Kolt Kolburne. I’m a huge Sharks fan.”

From the corner of my eye, I can see Kolt’s body tense, but he gives the man a slight nod. “Awesome, man.”

Even the two words don’t sound like the Kolt I know. It’s obvious he wants to make this dad’s night better, but deep down, he hates the attention.

“Good to see you out and about, Kolt.” He stands in complete shock, staring at him. “Any idea when you’ll be returning?” He cringes. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to go there. I’m just, uh—”

“Fangirling?” the wife deadpans before patting her husband’s shoulder. “It’s okay, babe. I’m sure he’s used to it.”

Kolt claps his hands together and shifts around on his feet. “No big deal.” He chuckles. “I’m not sure yet. We’ll see how the next few weeks go.” He turns to me, jerking his chin toward the other end of the aisle. “Ready to get going?”

“Yep,” I say, smiling at the adorable family, even the very loud one. “Have a great night.”

As we take a few steps, the guy calls behind us, “Good luck on your recovery! It was an honor to meet you, even if my kid is being a Tasmanian devil.”

Pushing the cart, Kolt glances over his shoulder and chuckles. “No worries, man.”

As we get around the corner, my heart does that thing that it always used to when I came into a grocery store and saw all the people with their kids. I guess, subconsciously, maybe that’s why I stopped coming into places like this. Because it made me bitter and angry.

“Cute baby,” Kolt murmurs, glancing over at me.

I nod. “Crazy brother though.” I force myself to see the humor through the pain. “I think he was part animal, for sure.”

The corner of Kolt’s mouth turns up, but his eyes look lost in thought. “Definitely,” he says softly, and we carry on in mere silence.

Small waves ripple on top of the lake, proving there is a storm coming, just like we heard at the grocery store. One that’s due to bring strong winds and even more rain. I’m beginning to think Paige’s parents knew that too. Because if the power goes out, with no generator and only a woodstove to keep us warm, we will really be forced to face each other.

When I asked her dad if I could bring her here to get away from all the distractions, he immediately said yes. In his eyes, the only memories she and I have here are those he was present for. He doesn’t know about all the times we snuck out here alone. Or the time we took his fishing boat out, and the thing broke down in the middle of the lake, and we had to get towed in. And he certainly doesn’t know that I took his daughter’s virginity in this cabin on Thanksgiving night. We’d told them we were going to see friends, and instead, we’d snuck here.

I told her I loved her that same night, and I meant it back then too. But I had loved her before I said the words. I had just been too fucking scared to say it out loud.

“It’s cold in there,” she says from behind me. “Even colder out here.”

As she walks beside me and looks out at the lake, she smiles. “It’s so beautiful here this time of year. I haven’t been here in two years.”

I think back to the last time I was here and realize it’s been two years too. Which means the last time we were both here … was together.

Unzipping the top of my three-quarter zip, I pull it over my head and turn to face her. “Here,” I say, raising it over her head. “Take this.”

“But then you’ll be cold,” she whispers, her eyes twinkling in the moonlight.

Tugging it over her head, I pull it down over her body as she puts her arms through the holes. “I’ll be fine,” I murmur, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Better?”

She nods slowly, biting gently on her bottom lip nervously. “Thank you.”

Her gaze shifts behind me, and she jerks her chin up slightly. “Looks like that storm really is coming, huh?”

I crane my neck to look up at the sky. “Supposed to rain all night. I’ll stoke the fireplace in case we lose power.”

A lot of cabins probably don’t have power. I know my dad’s didn’t; it was used strictly for hunting, and I think he only took me and Klay out there twice—thank fuck. But the Hendrixes’ cabin is far from slumming it and is nicer than my actual childhood house was by a long shot.

That same thick tension that’s been there since she moved back in builds between us again. We’re here, all alone, for the entire weekend. It doesn’t matter that we did what we did inside that classroom a few hours ago. The look in her eyes and the feeling in my bones prove we’re ready again. But why would it not be this way? For so long, we were deprived of each other.

She shrugs her shoulders and takes a step back. “Looks like we still have a little time before it starts. I think I’m going to go in the hot tub.”

Though it’s subtle, there’s a hint of mischief in her voice. She packed to stay the night at her parents’ house. And her parents’ house doesn’t have a hot tub. So, unless she has a secret stash of swimsuits here, I know damn well she doesn’t have one to wear.

I know exactly what she’s doing. And that’s avoiding the deep conversations we need to have. I’ll let her—for now. But only tonight. And then it’s time to face our fucking issues.

Backing away from me, she turns and heads inside. I watch her walk into the house and into the front bedroom, which is hers. The light comes on in the huge window that takes up the entire room. She walks to the bed and pulls off my sweatshirt, followed by her shirt and bra. Even from out here on the porch, I can see her pretty nipples are pebbled, begging to be licked. And when she bends down to tug her jeans and thong off, her eyes catch mine, and she gives me a playful look. Standing there, she gives me a complete view of her perfect body, making me bite down on my bottom lip to stop a hiss.

As much as I want to bury myself inside of my wife, saving our marriage means more to me than that. I know she’s about to get pissed, but I don’t care. I pull in a breath and then head up the stairs to the porch.

Not to fuck her though. But to force her to talk to me.

At least, that’s what I tell myself. But when I round the corner and am met with the vision of her, naked, in the hot tub, I have to remind myself to stay the course. Even in the water, her tits are hardly covered.

When I take a seat in the chair across from the hot tub instead of stripping off and getting in, she pokes her lip out. She’s not used to not getting her way when it comes to me—this I know.

“You coming in or what, superstar?” She moves around, sitting up a little higher so her tits are now fully visible, water dripping down them, only for a second, but long enough to have my cock standing up straight. “The water feels so nice. You should try it.”

“Nah, I’m good,” I drawl. “See, I know exactly what you’re doing. And while I appreciate how much that sweet little pussy wants my dick, I came to this cabin for one thing only. To fucking talk out our shit.” Running my palm over where my cock stands tall under my jeans, I smirk. “See, if you cooperate, this is all yours, baby. Every inch. And every ounce of cum. But not before you talk to me.” Sitting back, I put my hands behind my head lazily. “It’s your call how long this drags out.”

She’s full-on glowering now. “Oh, so now, you’re playing hard to get?” She smirks angrily, shifting her body to lean forward against the side of the spa. “It’s funny you finally want to talk when, for so long, I tried to talk, and you’d just get drunk and ignore me.”

“Yeah, well, that’s in the past now,” I snap, not meaning to, but tired of going in fucking circles. That’s exactly what this feels like though. Circles. “So, let it stay in the fucking past, and let’s move the hell on.”

Standing quickly, she steps out of the hot tub, her body dripping. I know what she’s going to do before she even fucking does it—and when she straddles my lap, grinding her soaked pussy against my hard cock, I curse inwardly at myself.

She presses her tits against my face, working her nipple against my lips, but I do nothing. It fucking kills me, but I hold still and try my best to remain unfazed. There’s no hiding that her body is beginning to shiver as the cold air hits her wet skin.

“This isn’t fixing anything, Paige,” I growl, gripping her hips and pushing her off of me so that she’s standing. “This isn’t what we need to be doing right now. Before I finger-fucked you, you’d just run away. Now? You want to fucking hide behind sex. I want us. I want you. But, Christ almighty, we’ve got to actually talk about our shit.”

Standing up myself, I walk over to the hot tub and grab her a towel before draping it around her. Lifting her up, I toss her over my shoulder and head inside the house. I drop her onto the couch in front of the fireplace. It’s warmed up enough in here now since we turned the heat on, but if we lose power once the wind picks up and the rain starts, I’ll need to start a fire.

Crouching down beside the couch, I run my hand over her head.

“Stop trying to fix everything by doing all the right things. Or saying the most promising words, Kolt. In the past, that might have worked, but that was before we became”—she waves her hand between us, motioning from herself to me—“this. The worst version of ourselves.”

“You can’t actually think that,” I say, dipping my head down. “That’s not fucking true.”

Sitting up straighter, she pulls the towel tighter around her body. “You know what? You want to talk so badly? Let’s see how well you can listen.” She spews the words. “I want you to sit there and be quiet. Our problems aren’t small. And they also aren’t going away because you’ve finally realized you want me.”

I open my mouth to speak, but she holds her finger out, pressing it against my lips.

“No. Don’t fucking talk. It’s my turn to talk.” Standing quickly, she begins pacing in front of me. “I’m not naive enough to think everything was your fault, Kolt. It wasn’t. For a long time before things went to shit, I know I wasn’t exactly making it easy to love me.” Her voice breaks, and she wrings her hands together as she continues to pace. “I pushed you to become the husband that you were those last few months. I know that.”

I start to get up because … fuck that. She did nothing wrong; she has to know that, but she stops me.

“Don’t try to make anything better right now, Kolt. Just listen.” Her face relaxes. “Please. Listen.”

Exhaling, I take a seat on the couch and wait.

“I got so focused on having a baby,” she croaks out, sending my heart through a shredder. “Every month was like a whole new world of disappointment. Little by little, I felt like I was losing myself. And I knew better than to get my hopes up after each cycle. I promised you and everyone else that I wouldn’t. Yet you didn’t realize that after I ovulated and we tried … I’d start buying pregnancy tests. I’m not kidding—I’d go through at least a dozen each month.” She laughs sadly, not fighting the huge tears welling in her eyes. “My mind would actually make me believe that the first ten were likely wrong, so just in case, I’d take a few more. My boobs would hurt, and I’d feel moody, so I’d swear it was my time to finally get those two lines.” She rocks slowly, tucking her hands under her armpits.

It’s killing me not to rush to her and pull her toward me. I can tell how much sharing this is gutting her, and yet something inside tells me just to let her talk and leave her be.

“I became so fixated on what I thought our family should be. I guess—no, I know—I took for granted the family we already had.” Her eyes lift to mine, and her lip quivers. “ We are a family, Kolt. Well, we were. Somewhere, in the midst of trying to become a mom and making you a dad, I lost sight of that.” She shrugs weakly. “It took me a long time to stop blaming you for pulling away from me. But the truth is, I know I pushed you to do it. So, no matter what I say, I’m angrier with myself than I will ever be with you.” She covers her face, her shoulders shuddering from her cries. “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you a baby, Kolt. I’m so sorry my body is broken.”

It all clicks. The reason why she’s fought us talking so much. It’s because of this right here. She has been scared to open up to me about it all. And I hate that, but then again, I did the same thing.

I can’t take it anymore, and I rush toward her.

“Baby.” The word comes from my mouth as a strangled plea as I cradle her to my chest. “No, baby. You have it all wrong.”

“No, I don’t.” She shakes her head. “It’s the truth. I’ve known it for a while, and it’s time I was honest with you too.” She peeks up at me through tear-soaked lashes. “I don’t blame you for pushing me out the door, Kolt. I wasn’t the Paige you had fallen in love with anymore. I don’t know how to get back to her either.”

I cup her face, bringing my lips to hers. “You are exactly who I fell in love with. You’re my wife.” I feel sick to my stomach, knowing that tonight is the night I have to be honest with her and I’m not sure if we’ll ever come back from it. “But I don’t think you’re going to want to be after I tell you what I’ve wanted to for so long. If you hate me, I’ll understand. But promise me something: once you hear the truth, you’ll stop carrying the guilt of everything that’s happened between us. Say you promise,” I rasp.

She looks so scared and unsure. But because she trusts me somewhere deep inside, she nods. “I promise.”

“You aren’t the reason why we didn’t get pregnant, Paige.” The words come from my mouth low and so tortured, causing even worse pain in my chest than my heart attack did.

I’m about to change everything. I’m about to rip her apart.

I stare down at her with what I need to say stuck in my throat.

“If I’m going to break your heart, I need a drink first,” I say, dropping my hands and walking into the kitchen.

The entire downstairs is open, so as I pull out a bottle of vodka from under the sink and take a swig from it, I see Paige making her way toward me.

When she holds her hand out, I pass her the bottle, and she takes a long drink before passing it back. I take one more shot and set it down on the counter.

I wave my hand toward the barstool and cringe. “I think you should sit down for this.”

Her eyes widen, but slowly, she sinks down onto the stool and waits for me to talk.

“A few months before you left me, I went to the doctor. Just for my regular physical shit.” I pause, leaning my palms against the countertop. “When I was there, I mentioned to the doctor that we had been trying to get pregnant for a long time, but with no luck.” With every word that spills from my lips, I feel fucking sicker to my stomach. “He offered to do a test. One that would analyze my sperm.”

The color visibly drains from her face. Hell, even her usually red lips look lighter as she waits to hear what I have to say next. She’s felt guilty for not getting pregnant for years. The whole time though, it was my fault, and I knew it and never told her the truth. I let her carry that burden when I could have freed her from it. I did everything so wrong.

I made such a fucking mess of us and the life we’d built together. She’ll never trust me again. How could she after this?

“A few months before you left, I found out it wasn’t your fault that you weren’t getting pregnant.” I scrub my eyes with the back of my hand. “It was mine.”

“What?” She breathes the word out, putting a hand over her mouth. “You went to the doctor and found that out months before I asked for a divorce, and you never told me?” Her mouth curves down in pure devastation. “You kept something that big from me, Kolt? All this time?”

I grimace but work up a weak nod. “That’s why I pushed you away for those two months. Because you’ve always talked about wanting kids, Paige. I knew—I fucking knew—if I told you the truth about that appointment, you’d lie and tell me everything was going to be fine. And that you’d get over it.” I look down, my head hanging. “But you shouldn’t have to do that—ever. And eventually, you would have resented me down the road.”

My throat burns from every poisonous word that just came from my mouth. Because now, it’s all out there. No going back.

As I take a few steps around the kitchen, she backs further away, and when I try to catch up to her, she holds her hand out and shakes her head quickly. “No. No. You don’t get to come near me right now, Kolt. Not after what you just told me.”

Her entire face crumples, and her shoulders sag as she turns away from me. And then she starts running. She doesn’t run into a room though. This time, she bolts outside.

With the storm coming, I don’t give a fuck if she thinks she needs space from me. Right now, she’s not getting it. Especially not in a fucking towel.

Charging after her, I catch the door before it closes and run down the stairs as she gets to the bottom. She heads down the driveway as the rain starts to come down. At first, it’s subtle. Within seconds, it’s fucking pouring.

“Paige, cut the shit!” I yell out, forcing my legs to carry me in front of her.

She tries to dart around me, but I throw my arm around her waist and pull her against me.

“If you want to go inside the cabin and lock yourself in a room, be my fucking guest! But this storm is going to be rolling through all night. The temperature’s going to drop, and the wind is going to pick up. So, for once in your life, just fucking listen and go inside,” I yell desperately, wanting to keep her safe. “Trust me, I understand why you don’t want to be near me. I fucking get it more than you’ll ever know. But for the love of fuck, stop.”

She shoves at my arm like a caged animal, so I drop it down, and she stumbles back, looking at me. Her hair is soaked now, sticking to her forehead as beads of water roll down her face.

“Do you want to know the stupidest part of this entire thing?” she screams. “Do you want to know what is just so fucking stupid about this fight?” she cries yet laughs at the same time, though her laugh is haunted. “You think I’m mad at you that you couldn’t give me a baby,” she says, her fists balled at her sides. “Don’t you?”

“I mean, I know I fucked up, Paige. I know I acted like an ass.” I run my hand over the top of my wet hair. “But, yeah, I think a lot of your anger is from that. And I don’t blame you.”

“And that’s why we’ll never work, Kolt,” she sobs, pounding one fist against her chest. “Because if you really think that, then you don’t know me. You don’t know me at all.” Her neck muscles strain as she cries harder. “If you did, you’d know that I would never be mad that you might not be able to have kids. I’m fucking pissed that instead of just talking to me”—she pounds her chest again—“ your wife —you chose to push me away. You chose to be the demise of our relationship instead of talking to me.” She looks at me with pure disgust. “You are a coward, Kolt.”

She wraps her arms around herself, crying hysterically. “You’re my person. You’ve always been my person. Yet when you found something like that out, instead of confiding in me and letting me help you through it, you sabotaged us.” She sniffles. “That’s proof that what I already thought is true. I’ve always loved you more.”

I feel like she just punched me in the fucking face as my head snaps back. “That is the furthest thing from the truth, and you know it!” I say quickly. “All I’ve ever wanted is to give you the world, Paige,” my voice rasps loudly into the rainy night. “When I knew I couldn’t do that, I knew I couldn’t keep you.”

“Yet you won’t sign the divorce papers,” she bites back. “Don’t try to act like everything you do is for me. Good fucking God.”

Grabbing her hands in mine, I squeeze them so that she can’t pull out of my hold.

“I was going to sign them when they came. I planned to,” I tell her honestly. “But one night, I told Logan everything. About my doctor’s appointment. About what I’d learned. Everything. He told me I had been a dumbass for treating you the way that I did and an even bigger one to let you leave.” I pull her body closer to mine, looking down at her. “When I went to tell you that … I thought you had moved on. Selfishly, even though I had let you go, I didn’t want you to become another man’s wife.” I look at her, ashamed. “I wanted you to keep my last name for as long as I could get away with it. I’m so sorry, Paige. For everything.”

“As much as I wanted a baby with you,” she sobs, “I wanted us more.”

There’s nothing for me to say in this moment. Looking back, I know there were so many mistakes we both made to get us here, to right now. But the ball is in her court. If I’ve hurt her beyond repair, I’ll have to sign the papers and walk away from her.

Leave it better than you found it , is what I’ve always been told. But if I leave now, she’ll not be better than I found her. I’ll be leaving her broken.

“Nine days, baby.” I move my palms to her soaked cheeks. “In nine days, if you can’t forgive me enough to stay, I’ll sign the papers, if that’s what you really want. Even though it’ll wreck me, I will do it if it makes you happy.”

Her head falls against my chest for a second before she tilts her face up to mine. “We need to stop hurting each other. Whether that means together … or apart.” She drapes her arms around me, digging her fingertips into my sides. “I love you so fucking much. But this isn’t normal, Kolt. It isn’t healthy, either.”

“I know,” I rasp, because she’s right. Even so, this marriage is all I want.

Wrapping my arms around her, I lift her body against mine, and her legs snake around my waist. It isn’t sexual, but something deeper this time. As I walk us back toward the cabin in the pouring rain, her sad, lost eyes bore into mine.

She doesn’t have to speak for me to know what she’s thinking. Because I’m thinking the same thing …

Where the fuck do we go from here?