Prologue

Bohdi, Baltimore, MD

F ebruary With the sun beaming brightly, warming our faces, the sound of, "Hi, Jace," reverberates along the shoreline. I witness the tulips we placed in the water being carried away by the ripples of the waves.

The waves take them to Jace.

While glancing to my right, I observe people standing and facing the water, their reactions varying from tears to laughter, clearly immersed in their treasured memories of Jace. As I look at Rylee, I can't help but notice the small smile on her tear-streaked face while she peers back at me. I move my gaze toward my brother, his grasp on her firm, his mouth tight as he watches the tulips fade away. I avoid looking at anyone, even the flowers and the sun that remind me of my nephew.

The sand beneath me has lost its golden hue and now appears ashen, the same as everything else in my life. Instead of joy, the beach now evokes a feeling of emptiness, the longing for a hello from someone I'll never hear from again.

The pain of losing someone is significant, but it becomes unbearable when that person is your best friend and nephew. With each passing day, the pain twists like a blunt knife, serving as a persistent reminder of its existence and torment. Gradually, I move away from the crowd, my steel-like legs dragging along the shoreline. As I faintly hear my name, I glance behind me to find Rylee gazing at me, sharing the same pain. Six years she was with Jace, six whole years of being loved by him, and six years of being in our family. Losing my nephew and the aftermath of loss has shattered her entirely. I offer a small smile and nod to reassure her, but my focus shifts back to my brother beyond her. His reddened eyes stare at me. Cash recognizes I need this time to myself. With a subtle nod, he signals to me. And Rylee appears to understand as she turns away and heads back to Cash.

I've been focusing on keeping my family together while disregarding my own pain. The realization that there's no one to share your pain with comes when you return to an empty home at night. It's strange to be consumed by grief. Each day becomes a repetitive blur, devoid of any meaningful experiences, simply a means to get through and start afresh I come across a secluded area of the beach and decide to take a seat in the sand. Eventually, I run my fingers through the chilling sand. The setting sun casts an orange haze over the shimmering waves.

"One year without you, Jace." The seagulls and waves harmonize with my exhale, creating a peaceful atmosphere.

How is it that my nephew was killed a year ago, and now, I am sitting on a beach paying tribute to him by placing a flower in the sea for everyone to remember him? When did life get so fucked?

"I wish you were here, Jace. I would do anything to see that big smile of yours. I miss us shooting the shit. I miss our weekly catch-ups at the bar after work. I miss it all." My voice cracks. Taking a deep inhale, I close my eyes and tilt my head backward. For days, I struggle to move. I barely eat, barely drink when Jace plagues my mind all day. I won't let myself return to that state. I need to focus on the future and keep moving forward.

"Jace, do you think I'm making the right decision by changing jobs and moving states?" Despite talking to myself, uttering his name creates the illusion of his presence. If he were here, he'd be the one taking me to the airport. He would be pushing me on to that flight.

Taking my phone out of my pocket, I quickly glance at the screen. I didn't realize I had been sitting here for so long. In three hours, I will leave Baltimore on my flight. I had decided this morning that I wasn't going, feeling both connected to Jace and held back by it at the same time. But as the day went on, the constant reminders of him around me made it impossible to move forward. So, I changed my mind. I needed to get away, to process everything on my own.

"I'm going, Jace. Even though I'm leaving, I still want to remember you. I need to change things up and clear my head. I'll come back to talk to you again. I promise." I ready myself by inhaling deeply before standing. I pivot on my heels, retracing my steps toward the parking lot, but I steal a glance at the sea, observing the shimmering ripples under the now rising moonlight.

"Goodbye, Jace."