CHAPTER TWENTY

CHAPTER TWENTY

That evening, Eli lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling while playing his fingers through his mate’s hair. She’d crashed hard, just as he’d expected she would.

After the minks had slinked away—they hadn’t tripped any alarms, proving there really wasn’t a way to mink-proof your territory—and the dead cougars were disposed of, the Phoenix Pack members left and then everyone headed to their respective lodges.

Eli and Casey had taken a long shower before sliding into bed. He’d fucked her soft and slow before rolling onto his back and hauling her close. No sooner had she pillowed her head on his chest than she slipped into a deep sleep.

Although he was dog tired, Eli found himself wide-awake. The day’s events just kept replaying in his head over and over and over. He couldn’t relax. Couldn’t unwind. Not even with the feel of his mate pressed against him, safe and healed and sound asleep.

At least he didn’t have to worry that his mental restlessness would wake her. No, she was out cold. The soccer game had taken a lot out of her. Dueling with Sherryl straight after the game had all but exhausted her. It was only the adrenaline and worry for his pack mates that kept her alert throughout the whole Ignacio mess.

Pride trickled through him. His mate was fearless. Never backed down or showed weakness. She stood her ground, and she gave no quarter. There was no denying that Casey Frost was tough as hell. Which was a damn good thing, because if she’d needed him today to boost her strength through their bond while she dueled, he’d have been fucking useless to her.

He couldn’t understand why their mating bond hadn’t yet fully formed. It made no sense to him. None.

She’d struggled to believe she was his priority at first, but that was no longer the case. They were both fully open to one another. They had no doubts about mating, kept no secrets, and had complete trust in each other. And fuck if she wasn’t wrapped around his heart. He knew she loved him just as deeply; he felt it. He couldn’t possibly doubt the depth of her commitment—she’d moved to his fucking pack, for Christ’s sake.

They were tight. Solid. Happy. There was nothing he wanted more than to be fully bound to her. He knew she wanted the exact same thing just as badly. And yet, their bond remained incomplete—something that pained him and his wolf every day.

He just didn’t fucking get it.

Eli was missing something for sure. What he needed was an outsider’s perspective. He was too close to the situation. And, since sleep eluded him, there was no time like the present to go talk to someone. So, leaving Casey to rest, he headed back to the main lodge.

He knew his brother would be awake, relaxing on the porch swing. Nick always did it after a battle, as if some part of him was paranoid that the family or allies of their intruders would come for revenge.

Using the heel of his foot to still the swing, Nick tipped his chin in greeting. “Thought you’d be in bed with your mate.”

Eli sat on the swing beside him. “Shaya and the girls okay?”

“Fine. How’s Casey?”

“Exhausted. She went out like a light.”

“I’m not surprised, given how eventful her day has been. The adrenaline crash will have hit her hard, too.” Nick eyed him curiously. “So, why are you here instead of lying beside your mate?”

“You’re one of the most perceptive people I’ve ever met. You know me better than anyone except Casey. If I …” Eli trailed off, struggling to put his thoughts into words.

“You don’t understand why your mating bond hasn’t fully formed yet,” Nick guessed.

“I’ve looked at it from every angle. I can’t work it out.”

“Neither can I,” Nick grumbled. “Your bond with Casey might not be complete yet, but it’s damn strong. It’s easy to see just how much you two care for each other. You meshed your lives so easily. Connected so well. Honestly, I don’t think any couple here became so solid so fast—it’s probably because neither of you held back.

“Initially, I thought your bond would snap fully into place very quickly. I truly don’t get what could be standing in the way. One of you must be blocking it on a subconscious level. Do you fear the fact that it’s completely irrevocable? That there’s no way out that doesn’t involve one or both of you potentially turning rogue?”

Eli shook his head. “Not at all. And neither does she—I know that for certain. I know her.”

“Maybe it’s not fear, then. Maybe it’s just hard for her to trust that you won’t betray or hurt her the way others did before you.”

“I see why your thoughts have taken you in that direction, considering her family let her down so badly, but it’s not that. She trusts me one hundred percent. I know that all the way down to my bones. She wouldn’t hold back from this; she wants what her grandparents had—a mating that’s strong and true.”

Nick shrugged. “Then I don’t get it, E. I wish I did. Look, the bond will fully form in time. You just have to be patient. I know that’s easy for me to say. I know this must be killing you and your wolf. But it’ll be worth the wait—trust me on that.”

Hinges creaked as the door swung open. Kathy stepped onto the porch and gave them both a tentative smile. Knowing his mother as well as he did, Eli had no doubt she’d done a little eavesdropping.

“Sorry to interrupt,” she said. “Willow had a nightmare. Shaya’s checking on her, but Willow’s asking to see you as well, Nick.”

His brother rose. “Give me a few minutes, E.” With that, he disappeared inside.

Crossing to the swing, Kathy slowly settled onto the spot that Nick had vacated. “How are you doing?”

“I’m good,” replied Eli. “You?”

“Better now that Ignacio no longer walks the Earth. How’s Casey? She was covered in blood earlier, so I’m guessing her duel with Sherryl was brutal.”

“Her team’s healer took care of her wounds before we came here—we just didn’t take time to wash away the blood. She’s okay. Just tired.”

“Must have been hard for you to see her so hurt.” Kathy looked off into the distance. “Your father fought alongside his Alpha many times. He’d come home covered in wounds—there’s not a lot worse than seeing someone you love injured and in pain. Of course, losing them definitely beats all. That’s an agony like no other. An agony every shifter is terrified they’ll one day feel. It’s one of the main issues that block mating bonds.”

Eli’s forehead wrinkled. “If you think I haven’t bonded with Casey because I’m holding back out of fear that I’ll lose her—”

“That’s not what I think at all. I know you, Eli. You wouldn’t hold back from your mate to protect yourself. That’s not who you are.”

Mollified, Eli nodded.

“It’s your father’s birthday next week, you know,” she said, fingering the necklace her mate had once given her.

“I know.”

“I miss him every day. But you know, even if a Seer had told me long before I met your father that I’d lose him, I’d still have mated with him. I don’t regret it, never have.”

“Not even when you were at your lowest?”

She raised a brow. “Would you ever regret mating with Casey?”

“Never,” he said without hesitation.

“Then you understand. And although losing him is something I’ll never recover from, I have never once wished I’d let myself die along with him. I’m not unhappy, Eli. My three children are now all mated, and I have grandchildren to spoil—hopefully, I’ll have more of them soon. It is a pleasure and a privilege to see.

“What I do regret is that he and I didn’t always make the most of what time we had together. Sometimes we let life get in the way, or we took it for granted that we’d have forever together. It doesn’t always work that way.” Kathy gave him a quivery smile. “Make the most of every single moment you have with Casey. Never let her doubt how special she is to you. Celebrate the small things, not just the big things.”

“So you’ve fully accepted her, then?”

“I was worried at first. You might not be a born alpha, but you’re so close to it that you could easily lead your own pack. You need someone who won’t crumble under the weight of your personality. Take Shaya, for example. She’s a submissive wolf, but she has the inner strength to push back when Nick pushes too hard. I should have trusted that fate would give you what you needed, but I still worried—that’s what it is to be a mother.”

“Casey’s exactly what I need.”

Kathy nodded. “She suits you. She’s strong, focused, and has her shit together. She’s not afraid to give you all of her or to show others just how much you mean to her, which takes a whole other type of strength. There’s only one thing that can break a person so resilient, and that’s the loss of a mate. But you already know that, don’t you? And it scares the life out of you.”

His mother twisted to fully face him. “I meant what I said before—you’d never hold back from Casey to protect yourself. But I believe you’d do it to protect her.” Kathy rested her hand on top of his. “We can’t dictate how the future will go, but we can damn well enjoy the present. So let that fear go. Shove all that negativity aside. Live and laugh and be happy. That’s all any of us can do.”

She patted his hand, pushed to her feet, and then retreated into the lodge, leaving Eli alone with his thoughts.

Feeling like he’d been hit by a two-by-four, he could only sit limply in his seat. Shit, fuck, shit, his mother was right. She’d seen what he himself had been unable to see. The truth was really very simple. Deep inside, Eli worried that fully bonding with Casey meant—should he ever die, causing the mating bond to shatter—he might one day inadvertently kill her.

No, it wasn’t a worry. It was a fear. A cold, stomach-churning fear.

People had more chance of surviving the loss of their mate if they only shared a partial bond. The moment Eli dropped that last wall between him and Casey, he could very well be condemning her to death or to the half-life his mother had been living all these years, depending on what the future had in store for them.

It wasn’t rare for a person’s mate to die. Plenty of the cougars had died tonight—many, if not all of them, could have been mated. He didn’t want Casey to experience that loss. He never wanted to cause her any pain. He wanted to protect, cosset, and shield her.

But, really, holding back wouldn’t protect her, would it? It would only eat at them both; would only peck away at their bond and create a tremendous amount of bitterness between them. It might also be pointless, considering there was every chance they could live a long, happy life together … if he’d only let go of this fear.

He wanted to. He did. But he couldn’t. He’d never stop fearing that they’d one day be torn apart. Never.

That was all part and parcel of loving someone, though, wasn’t it? Really, it didn’t seem logical to not fear losing someone you loved. So, no, he couldn’t do what his mother had asked and let said fear go.

But he could do the other things she’d asked of him. He could shove the negativity aside and enjoy the present rather than overthinking what the future might bring. He could treasure the happiness he’d found with Casey and—

A sharp pain slammed into his head and chest, disorienting him. He double-blinked as his vision darkened around the edges. But then the pain faded little by little … and he realized that the mating bond had fully snapped into place.

A smile touched his mouth, and a deep warmth spread through his body. Eli closed his eyes for a moment, relishing the elation and peacefulness that settled over him. His chest felt light … as if a weight had been lifted from it. Inside him, his wolf did a languid stretch, feeling fulfilled all the way from his head to his paws.

Opening his eyes, Eli took a deep, contented breath. He felt Casey so much more strongly now … like his whole being was fully tuned into the metaphysical frequency of hers. He could sense that she was awake, which was no surprise.

Wanting nothing more than to share this moment with her, Eli pushed off the swing and headed back home, breathing easier than he had in what felt like years. Inside their lodge, he went straight to the bedroom and found her sitting on the bed, looking adorably flustered. He had to smile.

Peering up at him through heavy-lidded eyes, she shoved her hair out of her face. “Okay, what happened? I mean, I know the bond snapped into place. It woke me up. I’m just wondering what led to it.”

Eli lay on his side on the mattress and planted his elbow on the pillow. “I had a talk with my mother, and she made me see a few things.” He danced his fingertips along her bare arm. “It was my fault the bond hadn’t fully snapped into place.”

Casey lay down next to him, mirroring his posture. “Your fault how?”

“My mother was in a terrible state after my father died. It was hard to see her that way. I could tell how easy it would have been for her to just slip away. I wouldn’t even have blamed her for it. She was just in so much pain. So depressed and devastated.”

Casey swallowed, all too able to imagine just how hard it had been for Kathy. The woman had been through all nine circles of hell. And it was a hell she’d never leave, because she’d always be without her mate.

“Losing him wrecked her. Changed her. It’s not right that she’ll grow old alone and then die alone.” He combed his fingers through her hair. “I don’t want that for you. One of my biggest fears is that you’ll suffer the same fate as her. Because of that, I subconsciously held back from the bond.”

Getting it, Casey gave a slow nod. Really, she should have guessed that was the issue. “I understand.”

“You’re not pissed at me?”

She snorted. “Why would I be? You didn’t hold back to be an asshole; you weren’t caught up in how you’d feel if the unthinkable happened. You desperately wanted us to be fully bound, but you were so worried about what that might one day do to me that you denied yourself what you needed.” She splayed her hand on his chest. “I’m just glad you’re done with that. My mink is glad.” The animal was curled up in a ball of utter contentment.

“So is my wolf, and so am I.” He pressed a long kiss to her mouth. “Love you, baby.”

“Love you right back,” she whispered, delighted that they were finally fully mated, loving that she could bolster his strength if he needed her to.

It was amazing how much clearer his emotions were to her now. She couldn’t help but wonder if she’d feel his orgasms more strongly now, too. “You tired? Because I have a few ideas for how we can spend the next hour.”

Twisting his mouth, he traced her collarbone with one finger. “I’m not tired, but I can think of a few ways I can tire myself out.”

Her mouth canted up. “It’s like one mind.”