3. Kennedy

As I stepinto Dr. Demetria Torres” office, the cool, serene atmosphere contrasts sharply with the chaotic emotions I”ve been wrestling with. The faint aroma of lavender fills the air, offering a subtle promise of calm although I’m not sure that shit really works, but I’m willing to try anything at this point.

With her kind eyes and calming demeanor, Dr. Torres greets me with a warm smile. She’s been my therapist ever since my senior year of high school. Back then, the visits were mandatory, a requirement of my parents if they were going to entertain the possibility of me moving across the country for college. Now, the sessions are far and few between and always virtual now that I attend school in Nevada, but today, she’s made an exception and fit me in since I’m in town. Today, I need this more than I think I’ve ever needed her guidance before.

“Kennedy, it”s been a while,” she says as she motions for me to sit on the plush sofa.

”Yes, it has.”

I sit in the same spot on the sofa that I always did, in the right-hand corner, by the green velvet pillow.

“You look good, Kennedy. I love the skirt.”

“Thank you.”

We sit quietly for a moment. It’s how Dr. D starts every session, first with pleasantries, and then she waits.

I smile uncomfortably in the polite way I’ve been taught since childhood, but she still waits, crossing her legs, still wearing a soft smile.

“I appreciate you fitting me in today,” I finally say. “I fly back to Nevada next week.”

“I’m glad there was room in my schedule.”

“So… a lot has happened since my arrival home,” I tell her, my voice a mix of exhaustion and frustration. I take a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts. ”I don’t even know where to start.”

”Why not start with what’s most pressing on your mind right now?” Dr. Torres suggests, her pen ready over her notepad.

My mind immediately jumps to Shane.

God help me, but it always jumps to him.

“It’s Shane... and his mom... and my dad. They’re getting married, and Shane... well.” I stop myself there, thinking of the kiss in my room. Imagining what he could have talked me into doing if he had pushed further. “I’m just so confused.”

Dr. Torres nods understandingly. “So your father’s relationship with his girlfriend has moved to the next step.”

“Yes, completely blindsiding me!”

I’ve talked to Dr. Torres over the last two years about many things, including my parents’ divorce. She’s the one person who understands how I feel about it without passing any judgment. Well, I guess not passing judgment is what she gets paid to do.

“They’ve been dating since your freshman year at VCU, correct?”

“Yes.”

“And your father never discussed the possibility of marrying his girlfriend with you?”

“Living with her, yes, but marriage? Never.”

“But you had an idea it was serious?”

“I admit I didn’t think so at first but now I see they are. They were going to move in with each other when I first found out about them but then changed their minds, so I thought there was a chance you know? Of the whole thing fizzling out.”

Dr. Torres doesn’t respond but quietly writes a few notes in her book.

“It sounds like you’re dealing with many conflicting emotions, Kennedy. On one hand, there’s your father’s engagement, which changes the dynamics at home, and on the other, there’s Shane, who now plays a much more complicated role in your life.”

”I just... I feel betrayed in a way.”

“How so?”

“I never believed that my parents were going to get back together, but the fact that my father is moving on and with Shane’s mother is just a lot to swallow. It”s like I”m losing ground under my feet.”

“I know that stability is important to you.”

“Yes.”

“That feeling of instability is natural, Kennedy. The new family dynamics of your parents’ divorce can disrupt your sense of normalcy.”

“Don’t get me wrong, Dr. Torres. I don’t feel as anxious as I once did when I left for college. Families change. I understand that,” I tell her, not wanting her to think I’m still whining about the divorce. “They separated over two years ago. I’m not by any means over it, but I’m also not spinning out over it anymore either.”

“Good, then perhaps we should talk more about Shane.”

I shift in my seat.

“You’ve told me very little about him in past sessions, except that he’s the son of your father’s girlfriend and that you have a very complicated connection with him at school. Can you tell me more about that?”

“This connection, if that’s what we’re calling it, was unexpected,” I sigh, feeling my cheeks warm with a blush. ”I met him before I knew my Dad met Kate. I’m not sure why I haven’t discussed him with you before. I guess I didn’t feel it was important enough to talk about.”

“And now?”

I’m stuck on what to say, or maybe it hurts too much to express my thoughts, so I remain quiet momentarily, pulling a tissue from the dispenser on the table in front of me.

Dr. Torres writes something down before looking back at me.

“It”s not uncommon to develop feelings for someone who is always around, especially in intense situations. It”s also possible that your emotions are more complex because of the family changes.”

“It might be a bit more complicated than that.”

“How so?”

“The two of us had kind of a false start.”

“What kind of a false start?”

“When we first met, I thought, for a moment, that something could happen between us. We’re such opposites. I’d never met anyone like him. It was easy, and honestly, being with him was fun.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And around him I feel…pretty.”

“You’re attracted to each other.”

“Very much so, but of course, this was all before I found out about his mother, the interloper.”

I don’t know why; it’s not as if anyone can hear me, but I say that last comment in almost a whisper-low voice.

“And after you learned about them?”

“It may have been a little difficult just to turn off those feelings, those desires, but it could have been much easier if he had been a gentleman about it.”

“Did he hurt you, Kennedy?”

“No, nothing like that. It’s just that we had an understanding. There were rules. He keeps breaking them.”

“Purposely?”

“You’ve got to understand who this kid is. He gets sick satisfaction from playing games and doesn’t want to make anything easy for me.”

“And what would make this situation easier for you, Kennedy?”

“If my dad would dump Shane’s mother and they’d both vanish from our lives forever.”

“You know what I’m thinking, don’t you?” Dr. Torres crosses her legs, tapping the pen against her chin.

“Yes, I know, I haven’t set a realistic expectation for the situation.”

“Exactly.” She offers me a small smile of approval. “Have you talked to Shane about how you feel?”

“Share my innermost feelings with Shane?” I respond, mortified by the question. “Hell no!”

”Kennedy, families are complex, and so are feelings. It’s important to acknowledge your emotions rather than suppress them. But it’s also crucial to set boundaries that you are comfortable with.”

“What boundaries are left? They’ve already been crossed. I want to spread my legs for a guy who will be my stepbrother, Dr. Torres. In any family, any culture, that shit is wrong. And what’s worse is I know that he kissed me the other day to prove some point.”

“What point is that?”

“The one he’s been trying to make since the day that we met.”

“Why don’t you tell me more about that.”