27. Kennedy

JUNIOR YEAR

“That must have been a difficult time,”Dr. Torres says with an empathetic look on her face.

“It was a really emotional and embarrassing situation but I got over it.”

“You did?”

“Just because I decided to stop sleeping with Shane didn’t mean that I could avoid him altogether. I had to get past it if I was going to live a normal life. We went to the same school, and of course…our parents were still a thing. I didn’t talk to him at all for a few weeks but then I brushed myself off and got my act together.”

“Meaning?”

“I will never give Shane or anyone else at VCU the idea that anything they say can break me. I won’t give them the satisfaction. Giving him the silent treatment would have given everyone the impression that I gave a damn.”

“I see.”

“Shane and I still associate with each other, albeit it’s different now. Each interaction is fueled by a bet, a dare, or something in between the two. That’s how I usually end up at the games or the ice house parties.”

“So you’re more like frenemies?”

“That’s probably a fair description, but I’d say we’re seventy percent enemies and maybe thirty percent friends.”

“That’s a very specific ratio.”

“It’s a curse.” I shrug. “I’m a business major.”

“So, Kennedy, have you dated anyone else since things with Shane cooled?”

“No, I guess I’m damaged goods. No one seems to be interested enough, or maybe I should say brave enough. Apparently, Shane’s been intimidating anyone who dares to take an interest in me.”

“That sounds like red flag behavior.”

“It’s ice mafia behavior,” I jeer.

“Hmm, well, have you confronted Shane about it?”

“In my own way. He knows I know, but he doesn’t care. He enjoys anything that gets under my skin, so I have to pretend as if it doesn’t.”

“All of this posturing has to be exhausting for you.”

“Are you even listening, Dr. Torres? I’m totally fine. I’m good.”

“Well, you talked about this kiss you recently had with Shane. Is that fine? Your attraction to him sounds far from over.”

“Trust me, that kiss was an act of aggression, not affection. The two of us basically hate each other now. I hate that he’s an untrustworthy hockey whore and he hates me for what I imagine are a myriad of reasons.”

“Hate is a strong emotion.”

“It sure is.”

”It”s interesting that you describe your feelings toward Shane as hate, yet you still share intense experiences, like that kiss. Do you think it”s possible that your emotions are more complex than just hate?”

”Maybe. But admitting that feels like I’m giving him power over me, and I can’t do that. Not after everything that’s happened.”

”Kennedy, acknowledging your feelings doesn’t give him power over you. It gives you the power. Understanding your emotions allows you to control them, rather than letting them control you.”

”I just don’t want to feel weak. I’ve worked hard to build up this... this armor around me. Especially at school and with Shane. I need to keep it up, to stay strong.”

”True strength lies in vulnerability, Kennedy. It’s in acknowledging how we truly feel and dealing with those emotions head-on. That doesn’t make you weak; it makes you resilient.”

“That sounds like therapist gobbledygook,” I say, dismissing well-meaning words that are probably meant to help me.

”It’s normal to fear what might happen if you open up. But remember, I”m here to help you through this process. We’ll go at a pace that feels right for you.”

I decide to tell Dr. Torres what I’ve been practicing for weeks.

“Actually, Dr. Torres, I’m thinking that I’ve been seeing you for long enough. I’m ready to bring these sessions to an end. My parents hired you to help me through my senior year of high school, which you did. Now I think I need to stand on my own.”

“That’s completely up to you, Kennedy.” She nods. “This is your journey. I’m just here if you need me.”

“Also, Dr. Torres, I forgot to tell you that I’m going to have a new roommate moving into my place soon.”

“Oh, really? That’s a new development.”

“Her name’s Violet. She’s a little younger than me but went to my high school.”

“Are you looking forward to it? A roommate will be a big step for you.”

“Evidently, my dad hasn’t been totally honest about his money situation. My parents can’t afford to pay my rent, but they want me to stay in the building, so I need a roommate.”

“I see.”

“It’s cool though. Getting her acclimated to campus will probably be fun.”

“Any particular plans?”

“Well, she’s a bit of a study freak. Worse than I was freshman year. So to loosen her up, I took her to a Christmas festival in town…and a hockey game.”

“A hockey game?” Dr. Torres offers up one of those judgemental therapist smiles of hers.

“It’s part of the festival,” I explain. “There’s no escaping it.”

“And Shane was there?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” Dr. Torres closes her notebook. “Well, I’m pleased things are going so well for you, Kennedy.” Dr. Torres checks her desk clock. “But on that note, I’m afraid our time is up for today.”

I stand to shake her hand since it’s probably the last time I’ll ever see her. “Merry Christmas, Dr. Torres. Thank you for everything.”

She looks at me with what feels like sincere affection and not the kind she’s paid to give.

“Merry Christmas, Kennedy. It’s been my pleasure. And don’t forget, you can call me anytime if you need to talk.”