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25. Winter

TWENTY-FIVE

WINTER

I take two days off this week to get my mind straight. As soon as I got in the car back to my apartment, I scheduled an emergency session with Genevieve.

"Adam is still in prison, though. Right, Winter?" She looks at me with concern. She's usually calm and impassive for our sessions, but her brows are creased this time. She's worried about me.

"Yes, I'm sure that he's in prison. He's up for parole, but there's no way they will grant it. My lawyers said so." I've bitten all my nails down to the quick at this point, so I move over to the cuticle. Gross.

"Do you think you actually saw him, Winter?"

I don't know.

"It's logically impossible for him to have been there. So, no. I don't think I saw him. I think I'm going through a lot of stress and change right now, and it's triggering my nervous system."

"What's got you so stressed then, Winter?"

I blow out a breath and motion for Kitty to jump in my lap from where he lays on top of my bare feet .

"I met someone," I say softly. I bury the lower half of my face into Kitty's neck, looking up at the screen.

Her eyebrows surge up. "Oh? How long have you been seeing this person?"

I bite the inside of my cheek. How long has it been?

"I've known him for a few months, but things didn't get serious until about two weeks ago."

"I see," Genevieve says sagely.

She does that irritatingly effective thing of waiting for me to add more to the conversation, so I do.

"It's…we've…gotten more physical than I thought I'd be comfortable with," I add.

I turn to face my apartment window. It's snowing today. We got a foot of snow overnight, but now it's just flurries.

I always have found flurries to be so peaceful. Their trek to the earth is more of a lazy release of precipitation into the atmosphere. It feels like a happy accident from the heavens.

She waits in my silence for a few more seconds before saying, "Say more on that, Winter. What did you think you'd be the most uncomfortable with?"

"We haven't had sex," yet, "but we have done a lot of other stuff. Almost everything but sex."

She nods. "And how does that level of intimacy make you feel?"

Scared. Exhilarated. Like I'm flying. Like I'm in love.

"Confused," is what I ultimately say.

"That's understandable. And maybe a little fearful?" she inquires.

I nod in response.

"It makes sense that your nervous system is messing with you," she says. "Plus, Veronica's getting pretty advanced in her pregnancy, right? I imagine that's also got you feeling…"

She offers me the opportunity to finish the sentence. "Emotional. I feel very emotional about her baby." I'm whispering now .

"And that makes sense," Genevieve says just as softly.

"When will this stop being so hard? Stop being so impossible?" I'm annoyed when I feel tears fall toward my lap, landing on Kitty's back. I don't want to cry. And yet, here I am.

Genevieve adjusts in her seat. "You are in transition. You've gone through several life-changing events, and it's taken you time—necessary time—to pick up the pieces. To find a sort of equilibrium in your new normal. But now you're in another life shift. You're doing the tough thing of looking life in the face and saying, ‘I want more.' You're facing your monsters, and with each step, you're turning them into mice. Do you know how incredible that is? You're not weak. You're brave."

I'm crying openly now and reply, "But I feel so scared, Genevieve."

"Bravery isn't doing things without fear. It's feeling the fear and moving forward anyway."

I let that settle into my spirit. Into my soul.

"I receive that," I reply. And I do.

I push down my awkwardness as I walk through the front door of Amelia Manor. I feel like all eyes are on me—that everyone knows I'm boning the owner of the house. I feel like even Rio gave me a sly smile when he picked me and Kitty up in front of my apartment building this morning.

"Hey there, stranger." Ella calls over to me, and I square my shoulders when I see her bounding down the stairs.

"Ella, I'm so sorry you had to see me behaving so unprofess—" I startle when she lunges at me. But instead of socking me in the face, she wraps me in a tight hug.

"Oh, my God, stop that right now!" She pulls back from me and smiles. Her lips have a slight red tinge to them. She pops a half-eaten candy cane into her mouth. "Plus, you and my brother? I ship it," she says, winking.

I blush. "Thank you?" I'm completely mortified.

She loops her arm through mine and walks me up the stairs toward August's game room. As we ascend the stairs, I take in the giant Christmas tree in the middle of the foyer. There are boxes underneath it. I wonder if the boxes are for decoration or if there are actual presents inside.

"Augie is in here," she says when we're standing outside the game room door. "He's been asking about you for the last few days."

"Oh?" I reply. "What exactly has he been asking?" I'm so worried that I've added another layer of drama to his already stressful life.

"He's just been asking when you're coming back. If you're coming back. He seems okay," she replies.

I nod and make a mental note to let him know if I ever take time off or deviate from the schedule. I don't want him ever to think I've abandoned him.

Ella leaves me at the door to the game room, heading down the hallway. I see the back of August's head when I open the door. He sits in front of the television, controller in his hand. Kitty makes his way to his dog bed, sighing happily.

"Hey, August," I say, sitting in the chair beside him.

He doesn't acknowledge my presence. A few minutes later, after he's killed a few zombies, he turns to me, putting his tablet close to his face.

"Where were you?"

He puts the tablet down and turns to look at the television screen. The game is paused, his character bouncing from side to side.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you I would be gone for a few days. I need ed some time to…rest after everything that happened at the grocery store."

He doesn't say anything, but his jaw clenches and unclenches, just like his father's.

He picks his tablet up and puts it down a few times. It's like he wants to say something but is unsure how or what to say. Finally, he picks the tablet up again and says, "That was weird what happened at the grocery store."

I smile. "Yes, I'm sorry if it upset you."

"Why did you freak out like that?" he asks.

I consider what to share with him. How much is appropriate.

Don't you think you're a little past propriety, little miss "I'm-Gonna-Sit-On-My-Client's-Dad's-Face"?

"I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder," I say. "For the longest time, I couldn't go anywhere. I couldn't leave my house. That was years ago when I was that impacted, and I'm so happy that I can get out and go places now."

He doesn't pick up his tablet to respond, so I continue speaking. "Sometimes, I have panic attacks. A lot of the time, they come out of nowhere. Sometimes, they're caused by stress. I saw something in the store that caught me off guard and sent me into overload."

He nods sharply once.

"I'm sorry you had to see that, August."

He taps his cheek several times with his index finger.

"It is okay. I kind of understand. My body goes into overload sometimes too. I want to stop it from doing whatever it's doing, but it does what it does. I feel out of control."

I nod back at him. "Exactly."

He taps his cheek again. "So Hunter did not do anything to upset you? To hurt you?"

I tilt my head, looking at him. "What makes you think your dad would hurt me? "

Tap-tap-tap.

"He hurts people," August says simply. I don't say anything.

"He hurt my mom," he adds.

I process that statement. "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean," he begins, "he broke her heart. She would tell me so all the time."

I nod. "I understand how that can happen. How did you feel hearing that?"

He's silent. "It made me hate him. My mom was so sad. When she started getting back into drugs, she would talk about him all the time. I realized that he ruins people," he finishes.

"I get that too," I say softly.

He starts tapping his face vigorously, then he finally says, "Hunter said you two are dating. Is that true?"

He jumps up and starts pacing near the corner of the room. I watch him stim and wait patiently to see if he will return to his seat. Plus, it gives me time to think. He had to have seen us hugging outside the car. Once he does sit back down, I reply, "We are seeing each other. Does that make you uncomfortable? Would you rather we didn't?"

August sits, rocking back and forth in his gamer chair. After a moment, he says, "He seems different with you than I thought he would be."

I try not to look too deeply into that statement.

"Will you still work with me if you date him?" August asks.

I smile at him. "I'll be here for as long as you want me to be, August. I promise you'll still have the same confidentiality we've always had. Anything you share with me will stay here unless you want me to tell anyone else."

His body stills, and then he relaxes back into his chair.

"Play with me." August says. He puts his tablet on his lap and pi cks up both controllers. He hands one to me, and I say, "I hope you're ready to lose."

He looks at me out of the corner of his eye and says, "Not a chance."

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