Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

I was sitting on my favorite rock near the river, the sun on my face and children’s laughter ringing out over the sound of the running water. I knew I was dreaming. Consciousness in my dreams was a weird quirk that had been happening lately. All I could hope was that I’d keep having these dreams once I left.

This land, the pack territory, was the only place I’d ever felt peaceful in my adult life. Even when I’d lived in California with my mother, by the time I went to New York, all that my old home held for me was haunted memories of sickness and death. Even now I couldn’t think of California without remembering my mother’s life fading away.

I picked up a scent on the air that was different, human. I turned and Widow Herbert was walking unnoticed through the pack, coming to sit beside me. It wasn’t surprising that I’d conjure her up for this dream.

She laid a hand on my arm, smiling. “We don’t have long to speak before you wake,” she said. “See that?” She pointed to a wolf with dark gray hair and yellow eyes staring at us from across the river.

“What is that? Is that Kicks?” It wasn’t the form he took when he shifted, but this was a dream. Maybe my subconscious saw him differently, more wolflike, less beast.

“That’s not Kicks, but you need to befriend it. Learn to tame it.”

“It doesn’t look very friendly.”

“If you treat it like he’s against you, battle him, he will just grow stronger and angrier.”

Knocking woke me from where I’d been asleep on the couch the next afternoon, my foot propped up.

Evangeline was already in the cabin when I looked up. She didn’t used to knock at all. It was just another change in our relationship that happened as the result of how many I’d killed, and maybe more importantly, how easily I’d killed them. There were only three people I was sure I didn’t scare: Kicks, Charlie, and Rastin. Even Buddie seemed a little leery that my talents might go haywire at some point and take him out by accident.

“Hey,” she said. “Brought you some brownies.” She put the plate on the table in front of me.

“Thanks.” I didn’t hesitate to dig in. I needed all the endorphin hits I could get right now.

“I wanted to stop by and see how you were feeling.”

“It looks worse than it is with this cast, but it’s not hurting anymore.”

The words were all normal, but the exchange had the feeling of an obligatory meeting between two people who were on the outs. Except we weren’t, as far as I knew.

“Kicks told me you’re leaving soon to take care of some loose ends. He said he wasn’t sure how long you’d be gone. I wanted to just check in before you did.”

Loose ends? I guessed that was somewhat accurate. Plus it omitted all the ugly details.

“Thanks.” I finished one brownie but decided I should probably get some things said before I had another. “You’ve been really good to me, and I want you to know I realize that. I also feel as if I shouldn’t ask you for anything else, but if you could keep an eye on Charlie while I’m gone, I’d appreciate it. He’s got the guys, but sometimes I wonder if they’re a little too tough at times. If he’s upset, I don’t know if Charlie will feel comfortable telling them things. I’m afraid he’ll put on a show for them.”

Her lips parted and she sat there quiet for a second. We’d hit a rough patch, but she was always so warm and welcoming with Charlie that it didn’t seem that much of an ask. Was I wrong?

“Do you feel comfortable with my stepping into that role?” she asked, looking like she was going to well up with tears.

“Of course—I mean, as long as it’s not too much on you.”

She shifted closer. “I just didn’t think you’d want me to. Lately, it’s been feeling like you’ve been looking for more space.”

“I guess after everything that’s happened, I have, but it’s never been about you. It’s because of my history and things feeling unsettled. You’ve always been amazing to me.” All this time, I’d thought she’d been pulling back for her own reasons. “I’m sorry if I’ve been distant.”

“It’s okay. Just know that we all hope you come back soon. You might not be a shifter, but you’re pack. You’re family.” She perched on the couch I was on, hugging me.

“Thanks.” She didn’t realize how much it meant that she’d willingly touch me at all, let alone hug me.

Kicks walked in, and the satellite phone in his hand began to ring.

“I’ll see you before you leave, okay?” she said.

“Definitely. Thanks again, for the brownies and everything.”

Kicks walked around the cabin talking to someone about travel plans. As soon as he hung up, another call came in. I didn’t try to listen in. I didn’t want to. When I thought about it, it made me want to bang my casted leg onto the table. In the process of trying to buy myself some space from him, I was now going to be even closer than ever. I couldn’t walk without crutches. He’d have to carry me everywhere.

Kicks’ brow furrowed. “Is that the only option you know of?” He paused, looking over at me. “Okay, thanks.”

He hung up the phone, tossing it onto the chair, then stared at it for a second, as if the device were partially to blame for the news he’d heard. He sat on the other couch, ran his hands through his hair, and sighed.

“Well? How bad is it?” Considering there was no more mass transit and we were an ocean away, it couldn’t be good.

“There’s no way we can fly. There’s already been a few crashes, and there haven’t been that many flights. It’s hard to find both a pilot willing to fly, and a mechanic to make sure the plane is ready. Looks like the safest bet is going to be by boat.”

Across the Atlantic? That didn’t sound very good either. It was one thing when I was leaving New York on a boat hugging the coast, always having a shoreline in view. This was the Atlantic we were talking about.

Still, when you considered dropping out of the sky, a leisurely trip on a boat didn’t sound so bad. Well, as long as we didn’t capsize. I was suddenly regretting the week I binge-watched Deadliest Catch , with all those fishermen getting tossed around by waves.

“How big of a boat do you think we’ll need?”

It wasn’t lost on me that I’d gone from telling him he shouldn’t come to asking for details. The problem was, I couldn’t drive a boat by myself. Maybe a little dinghy, but that wasn’t going to cut it. The boats on Deadliest Catch had been pretty big and were still tossed around like rubber duckies on some rapids.

“There’s a place on the Georgia coast. A guy named Captain Rod is running people across the Atlantic. He was captain of a huge cargo ship before this. His reputation is good, and word is he has a solid crew with an engineer on board. I think he’s the best option.”

“Captain Rod.” Almost sounded like a caricature. And Georgia? I glanced at the cast on my leg. This was going to be a pain in the ass, but it was what it was. If I had to go like this, then I’d do it. Hopefully Death would get past her snit before we left.

Kicks walked over, leaning on the back of the couch, looking down at me. “We don’t have to leave this minute. If she wanted you to go badly enough, she’d heal you.”

Little did he know that she was using this to guarantee he’d be with me. Why help me when she could torture me and get her way?

I wasn’t willing to wait. Knowing what was at stake, it wasn’t an option. I wanted my debt to be done, if possible. I was tired of this hanging over my head.

“I don’t want to wait. It doesn’t matter what her timeline is. I want this done. Whatever I have to do, I’ll deal with it to get this over with.”

Whatever I have to do. If that wasn’t a ridiculous way to phrase the death spree I was about to go on…

In truth, I didn’t even care about taking out her targets. They’d killed most of the world. If anyone deserved death, it was them. What bothered me was living on her timeline with her plan that I didn’t get to know. I wanted a life. I wanted to know if I’d be capable of having a human existence after this or if the darkness inside me would grow out of control with the next killing spree.

Kicks was still staring at me but not saying a word.

“I’ll never make it on my own now anyway. Why would you want me to postpone it to when I’d be able to go alone?” Was he having second thoughts? I wouldn’t blame him for a second.

He leaned down over the couch. “Because I don’t want you to go at all.”

“That’s not an option.” I wasn’t breaking this deal, not with the stakes at hand.

“I think it is,” he said, ignoring that his life was on the line.

“It’s not.” I turned away, refusing to look at him.

He moved in front of the couch, leaning on the arm beside my head. “Except it is. You can decide not to go. You can stay here with Charlie.” He wasn’t budging from in front of me.

I couldn’t walk away. There was no avoiding this conversation, and it was my least favorite subject, maybe ever.

“I do that and she’ll kill you. You know that,” I said.

“Then the deal would be over, wouldn’t it?” His stare was deadly serious. “I should be dead. I would’ve died if not for this bargain that I never wanted.”

“Well, I wanted it.” There was no way I’d ever put his existence in jeopardy, ever. Not Kicks. There wasn’t a world for me that didn’t have him in it.

“Why is it that you’re willing to trade your life for mine and yet you can’t push me away fast enough?” he asked.

If I gave him even an inch, we’d be entwined on the couch in seconds. It would be heaven, and yet to then do what I had to do would be hell.

“This has nothing to do with protecting you. I made a deal.”

He shook his head, as if my lie disappointed him. But he straightened and moved a few feet away. He had no idea how difficult it was to keep my distance from him, to not succumb to the urges he drove in me.

“The people I’m going to kill deserve it. This isn’t iffy. They do, and there isn’t a person alive today that would disagree. So what would you have me do? Sacrifice your life for theirs and break my word?”

He shook his head but walked over and dropped into the chair, accepting the inevitable.

“When do you want to leave?” he said.

“As soon as possible.” I’d rather jump off the cliff and hope to survive than prolong the torture of thinking about what lay ahead.

I had to leave Charlie now, while he seemed okay with it. If he started to waver, so might I. I just needed this all over with.