Chapter Thirty-four

Wilder could never sleep after a battle, and together, they discovered it was the same for Thea. They fucked again as the watch changed outside, and then, in the quiet early hours just before a new dawn broke, they talked.

‘Do you ever wonder what the midrealms would look like with all the monsters gone?' she asked him, her fingers tracing the lines of his tattoo.

‘I used to,' he told her. ‘But not for a long while now… Do you?'

‘Sometimes… I wonder what would happen if, after having fought so hard to be a Warsword, the meaning of it changed. What does a Warsword do when there are no more monsters to fight? No more villains to hunt down?'

Wilder drew circles on her bare back, relishing the feel of her skin beneath his touch, marvelling at the intimacy of such a small act. ‘Did you come to a conclusion?'

Thea hummed with contentedness as he stroked the length of her spine. ‘I figured there will always be monsters in this world. And that I'd gladly hunt them with you forever.'

‘Forever is a long time.'

‘Even if I had forever, it would not be enough time with you.'

Wilder stiffened at the reference to the piece of jade resting against her skin. That damn thing was always between them, always reminding them that for all the love they shared, they could not fight fate.

‘Wilder?' Thea said quietly.

‘Hmmm?'

‘I have to talk about it…' Her hand cupped his face and forced his gaze to hers. ‘I have to be able to talk about my death with you. My name day is looming, and I feel like I might burst with all the thoughts churning in my mind. Let me share this with you. Please.'

He had been trying to ignore the milestone approaching. He could feel the resistance in his very bones, the overwhelming bodily need to shove the subject far away, into the distant reaches of his mind. What he felt, he realised, was fear – fear for the pain her absence would cause. He knew it would be unbearable, all-consuming. A world without her in it? He had no interest in that.

But to anticipate the grief so intensely… It meant he loved just as hard, just as fiercely. Wilder knew he was lucky to have experienced a love so great, however quickly it would be ripped from him.

Thea's stormy eyes implored him now, and he remembered his reaction to the death notes she'd written. He'd taken that outlet from her, and so now, he needed to be that support for her.

‘Alright,' he said, his voice cracking.

She sagged against him, her relief palpable. ‘Thank you.'

It hurt. It hurt so deeply to speak the words, but he did it for her. ‘Where do you want to be buried?' he asked.

‘Burn me,' she said, without hesitation. ‘Burn me and cast my ashes out to sea from the cliffs at Thezmarr.'

The image flashed before Wilder: him, standing alone on the rocky ledges beyond the fortress, the dark dust in his palm all that remained of Thea, catching in the wind, leaving him forever.

Not trusting himself to speak, he nodded, his arm around her tightening as though he alone could keep her in the world.

‘I want you to keep an eye on Wren as well,' Thea murmured, like she was running through a list in her head. ‘I'm glad she has Anya now, but —'

‘I'll be there,' Wilder said.

‘And Cal and Kipp —'

‘Everyone you care for will be supported, Thea,' he told her gently.

‘And you?' she asked bluntly. ‘Who will support you? Who will be there through your grief? You have a tendency to shut people out…'

‘Do I?' he said drily.

She slapped his chest lightly. ‘I'm serious.'

Wilder sighed. ‘What do you want me to say, Thea? I don't know how to navigate this any more than you do.'

‘I want you to tell me that you won't close yourself off from those who love you. I want you to talk to people: Malik, Torj, Talemir, Adrienne, Drue… Whoever you need.'

‘I…'

‘Promise me, Wilder.' Thea's voice was firm.

He didn't think he could bear the agony of it. It was worse than any wound he'd suffered in all his years of slaying monsters. But for her? For her he would bleed a thousand times over. For this fraction of a life with her, he'd pay the price of grief – for loving her was a privilege, and that privilege was worth any cost.

‘I promise,' he said at last, the words hoarse.

Thea pressed a tender kiss to his lips. ‘Thank you.'

He was grateful. It gave him the chance to gather himself, to fight back the tears that burned his eyes as her mouth roved over his. When she broke away with a happy hum, he forced a lightness into his tone. ‘Anything else on your mind?'

‘Only you,' she told him. ‘What life might be like beyond all this. We could capture my Tverrian stallion, get me some armour to match yours, roam the midrealms together…'

‘No princess life for you, then?'

Thea scoffed. ‘You know I was never a princess.'

Wilder had wondered what the Embervale sisters intended for their fallen kingdom, had wondered if it would change things between him and Thea. But they hadn't had the chance to talk about it until now, and he still wasn't sure it was the right time —

‘What about you?' Thea interrupted his thoughts. ‘What do you want, should the future not be so bleak?'

Wilder hesitated. It had been a long time since anyone had asked him what he wanted, since anyone was willing to hear his needs and his desires, as though he deserved to have them met.

He encircled Thea's waist with his hands, pulling her on top of him before he spoke the words he hadn't dared to say aloud yet. ‘I want… a life more than existence, more than survival. To experience the world to its fullest, with you at my side.'

The blanket around her shoulders slipped, revealing her round breasts, and the fate stone that rested between them. Thea rolled her hips, the soft heat of her meeting the granite hardness of him, eliciting another carnal moan from deep inside Wilder.

‘Then we'd best start now,' she said.