Chapter Sixteen

ChapterSixteen

The Story of the Mashed Potatoes (the final)

Okay, that ‘the end’ I gave you earlier has ended. I can’t really say once upon a time though, because to do so would be to invite absolute horror to a story that begins/continues with “I was pinching my man’s right nipple, fucking him into a table full of mashed potatoes, and an evil witch appeared suddenly in front of us.”

You see what I mean?

You know what’s happening though, so let’s begin our cautionary tale.

Wait no, that’s not right either. It can’t be a cautionary tale unless this is something you’re considering doing in your life.

I must advise strongly against that.

It was such a romantic evening. Even better than that one time I took myself on a date in Hell, and I laid under an actual meteor shower and came home full of scalding, blistering burns. I really know how to treat myself. I was planning on giving myself an enema just to round out the night, but I forgot that I lent my supplies to a friend.

What can I say? I’m a generous friend as well as lover.

Back to the table full of mashed potatoes.

Just the right hint of garlic wafted through the air, and the creamy squish of the potatoes against my lover’s abdomen helped keep him in place while I pummeled into him. I simply had to thoroughly show him my appreciation for all the work he did for this special evening.

I’ll never know exactly what called me to that specific nipple, or what inspired me to suddenly play with nipples at all when I’m usually more of a belly button man (we demons don’t have them), but catastrophe came for both of us. As we both came for each other.

I was just about to scoop up some of the cum-infused mashed potatoes so I could deposit them into my tummy, when a window nearby shattered.

My first thought was that my orgasm must have been crazy intense but then I realized there was a red headed woman in a purple tutu standing near us, fuming.

A moment of clarity hit my lover as he scrambled to protect me, to explain to this woman that we were only having a little consensual fun and that he forgot to tell me to stay clear of his right nipple. That it was an honest accident and he’d be willing to throw in rights to the freckle on his ass cheek (left, in case you were wondering) but she committed the unholiest of sins instead.

She looked at the beautiful art piece my lover had made us out of potatoes, and she vaporized them (and the table as well, but that feels like the lesser of the two very real evils) and began to screech at my lover. She began to insist she loved him and that he was a lying, cheating asshole (he was surprised to find out she thought they were in a monogamous relationship) and so rescinded all of her protections and claims on him.

We weren’t sure what all the screeching really meant until we woke up some time later (spoiler alert, she knocked us unconscious with her dirty witch magic), on the grounds of a magical academy.

She said that because my lover broke her heart so entirely, she would make sure her bloodline continued to watch over the curse she was about to enact, but only the females in her line, because she definitely hated men after this experience. Weirdly, that was seen as an affront, that the males wouldn’t have to protect this decades long curse.

Bada bing, bada boom, he became a gargoyle and was put into place to guard this academy from absolutely nothing, left with only a slight consciousness so that he’d be aware of time’s passing.

The other part of the curse was that he couldn’t ever fully reveal what happened if he was somehow fixed, because she took most of his memories; all he’d remember was something about the mashed potatoes and the anal plug that she ripped from his body (and weirdly saved in a cloth for some reason), but nothing of me. He would remember only being a gargoyle when he woke, his entire identity assuming the properties of any other gargoyle in existence.

I, on the other hand, would be as equally stuck near this campus unless I wished to remain in Hell. Down there I’m free to roam about but cannot easily contact anyone earthside; most of my correspondence must go through a third party, so I’ve gotten really friendly with the local squirrel population.

I don’t like the option of remaining in Hell just to be free, because Hell just isn’t the same fun and games with a broken heart; if I came topside and took my perch, my lover would be free to roam briefly and interact once more. Well, if he happened to meet his fated mate. True love really does trump all other magics.

We aren’t permitted to be awake at the same time though and it took many, many years to come to some sort of solution.

When I told my father about what had happened, he laughed so hard that his intestines liquified (this is actually a high honor to witness). In his own way, I do believe that he cares for me slightly more than that moldy chunk of bread he always kisses goodnight, because when one of our brother realms got taken over by some super-hot goddess topside (The Night never once remembered to wish me a happy soul possession day so good riddance I say), my father, Lucie, aka Lucifer, aka the devil incarnate, went about seeking out my happiness the only way he knew how.

He threatened to decimate parts of the earth and take it over (which apparently wasn't received very well) unless this super-hot goddess that I previously mentioned agreed to join her next offspring with his.

I rather wish he hadn’t done this because now there’s this whole expectation thing around whether or not she’ll be enamored with me, but as the years passed, something strange happened.

I began to stalk her early on (as is my right) and I noticed that she wasn’t actually...awful. In fact, she reminded me much of the human lover I had spent so much time with and still yearned for, and I found myself anxious to see more of her.

In a twist of fate, the goddess on high (whom my father always remembers to send a fruit basket to on the annual day of friendship) granted me a mating bond with this offspring, basically blessing the match my father had machinated for. He wants to take all the credit for how our story will end but I feel as if that’s selling the goddess short.

Because of this bond, we are drawn together; on my end in the form of obsession and stalking every small chance I’m given, and on her end, moving to the campus where me and my lover were both stuck.

The goddess must have not liked the angry witch that cursed us much because she also granted a mating bond between the boob-filled love of my life and the nipple-is-no-longer-off-limits love of my life, and then granted the former the means with which to save us both.

Normally I’m just in the form of a regular old pine tree, but my bark is a bit nicer than those around me. I’m in sight of my lover which is torturous, but that means I’ve been able to see some naughty things transpire between him and our big breasted mate, and I am more than ready for the games to begin.

Of course I had to give her the most exquisite ring I could think of to seal the betrothal that my father convinced her parents we needed (I’m not sure he actually had the energy to invade earth, but let’s keep that between us for now), but that’s just icing on the sewage rat because I already know her heart and am addicted to it. If that hasn’t become abundantly obvious by now.

She might be angry with me when she comes upon the realization that I made sure our nuptials would have to occur, but once she understands that is only a small part of our relationship, I’m confident that she’ll begin to tolerate me and one day might even let me touch her again. How exciting!

The only problem I foresee is that there are still descendants from that evil witch hanging around campus and are quite determined (spite is a heavy drug, my friend) to ensure that Delaney the cunt-blessed does not succeed in bringing her gargoyle lover back to life permanently.

So, when I get a few minutes a day to walk about on two legs, I make sure to spread around as much as information I can so my lady love might take note of me and recognize me faster once we are reunited. I even told her what I have been able to find in order to get Leo and his mighty dick (which is much transformed and even more lovely somehow) into a form that can be free for the rest of his life.

Once cursed this way, such a thing cannot take root again. If anyone shall try, the spell will backfire and curse the caster instead. So once freed, Leo cannot be cursed again.

You want to hear something hilarious?

I have spent many years and cashed in many favors to hide that bit of information while simultaneously tempting that evil witch’s descendants to take the bait and acquire the knowledge of renewing Leo’s curse in hopes that they’ll turn themselves into a stone masterpiece that birds shit on daily.

Hey, what comes around goes around.