Chapter 44

Millie

“Everything you need, huh?”

Jamie had thrown me a frantic thumbs up as I was escorted outside, but I couldn’t say a damn thing until we reached the passenger side door of my car. I turned around, ready to have a conversation, so many conversations with Noah, but he had to stare down at me like that.

I don’t know if any man had ever looked at me so intently. Actually, Noah had, back at school. I wanted to talk about that, to confess what my brothers had done, to try to lay those ghosts to rest, but he silenced me with a hand to my cheek. Just a featherlight caress, his eyes followed his fingers’ trail until they came to settle on my lips.

“If you don’t want me to kiss you, I need you to say something now.”

But I didn’t. All thoughts of sensible communication went out the window as he darted closer.

I was going to kick the twins’ arses so damn hard the next time I saw them, I thought dimly, right before his lips landed on mine. We both sucked in breaths, like we were about to drop deep underwater, but instead, we drowned in each other. He smelled smoky and musky, like some kind of feral man, but Noah tasted like himself.

I hadn’t registered that when I kissed him drunk, but I seemed pretty intent on capturing every nuance now. My hands slid up and around his chest, and he let out a low grunt of approval. This felt right in the way anything you’ve waited half your life to experience did, right up until I felt a weight settle against my car beside me.

“You look like you’re having fun.”

Charlie’s eyes glittered as he took the two of us in, but I felt a pang. How the hell did Jamie make this work? Did she discuss everything before she made a move on one of my brothers? Charlie grinned in response.

“Don’t look so stressed.” He pressed a thumb to the line forming between my brows and smoothed it away. “You want to kiss Noah, you keep going. I just wanted to say goodbye and thanks for inviting me.”

Before I could reply he moved in, pressing a gentle kiss to my lips, then turned to Noah.

“No kisses for you.” Noah spluttered in response. “But get our girl home safe, OK?” Charlie winked at me. “And don’t keep her up too late tonight. She needs her sleep.”

And with that he was sauntering off, whistling a jaunty tune as he went.

“Thanks for having us.” Knox didn’t seem to know where to look, his brows drawing down as he shoved his hands in his pockets. “Sorry we were late.” Each word was dragged from him, but not by me. By him, I quickly realised. If I was uncomfortable, he was more so, though he was trying to hide it. “So I’m gonna?—”

I cut him off by grabbing his shirt and hauling him closer, then pressing a kiss to lips that felt hard and tense, right before they melted. Knox didn’t let me take control for long. His hand slid around my waist and he kissed me slowly, thoroughly, before pulling away with a small smile.

“Thank you for coming,” I said, and that smile widened just a little.

“Get home safe.” A sweeter, more chaste kiss was pressed to my forehead before he turned to Noah. “Make sure she does.”

“You got it,” Noah replied, opening my door with a flourish.

“I can drive?—”

“Of course, you can,” Noah said, ushering me in. “And you can also let me do this.”

I got into the car without further complaint, but the air inside felt charged the moment he sat in the driver’s seat. It wasn’t just him having to adjust it backwards to fit his long legs, or the fact he seemed to dominate my little hatchback. My eyes followed his every movement hungrily, because it wasn’t hard to imagine. That we were still kids, that he was dropping me home after school, or maybe going to some place to make out, away from parents’ prying eyes. He caught me staring and shot me a shy sidelong look before turning the key in the ignition.

“Are you tired?” I was until he said those words. “Did you want to go straight home?”

My bed was calling me. Him too, if he was interested. I hadn’t really considered the prospect of having an emotional or sexual relationship with any of the guys, but him telling me he wanted to take me out on a date made clear that he had.

“What did you have in mind?”

That came out lower, huskier, than I had intended and he smiled as a result.

“Somewhere close. Somewhere familiar.”

“School?” He shook his head and eased the car out onto the road. “The park? The beach?”

“You’ll see.”

That’s all he would say, no matter how many possible destinations I came up with, driving down this street and that, until we came to a stop.

“Here?” I looked around me, seeing the open field left empty due to a massive communication tower being built in the middle of it. My door was open and there he was, offering me his hand. “Noah…”

I knew this place by the rusting barbed wire fence, broken down over the years by teenagers jumping over it. No need to do that now, we stepped through a gap and onto the grass. It was kept mown short around the tower, but as we walked further in, the grass grew taller and so did the trees. This place wasn’t that quiet the night of the party. Fire flickered through the trees, luring you closer. Now, our pathway was lit only by the thin beam of light emitted by Noah’s phone.

“If you wanted to take me out here and murder me, you should’ve made sure there were less witnesses.”

He snorted and then came to a stop, what light there was caressing his face. It picked out the stark bone structure, making it even more angular, his hazel eyes dark and mysterious.

There was always something boyish about Noah. It’s what attracted me to him at school. Other guys pimp-rolled down the halls, trying to be a big man, but he was just himself. As he stepped closer, though, it became far more obvious that the boy was gone. His hand was large, strong, as it reached for me. He stroked my hair, then tugged me closer and I came willingly.

“Not murder,” he replied in a low hush of a voice. The breeze playing through the trees threatened to whisk it away before I could hear what he was saying. “Though something has to die.”

“So, saying ominous shit like that to a woman in a dark field is really not OK—” I started to splutter, but he moved forward.

His hands were everywhere, in my hair, sliding down my neck and then dipping to my waist, closing what was left of the gap between us. His lips followed. I could hear him just fine now, the noisy rasp of his breath drowning out the hum of the road and the whistle of the wind. Right now there was him, only him. My lips tingled in anticipation, wanting, needing that kiss.

But it didn’t come.

“The past, Millie.” I blinked, not understanding, and searching his face didn’t get me anywhere. I was staring up at him right now, needing answers, and I got them. “I need the dickhead kid who let your brothers get between him and the one woman he’d ever want to die a miserable death so I can, we can, live.” He traced the lines of my face with his fingertips.

“Only… woman?”

I had my brother’s apology, but I needed this more. My heart was beating too hard, too fast in my chest in anticipation. Surely someone would come stumbling past, shattering this moment like glass and steal him away again, but they didn’t. There was only Noah and me standing here.

“Only woman.” He nodded, tried to smile, but my fingers went up, stopping that self-deprecating expression in its tracks. I watched his brows knit together, then smooth away. “Only you, Millie. I haven’t…” I hated the sound of his voice cracking. His pain was mine, it felt, so my hand shot out, gripping his. Noah hung on like I was a lifeline and then kept going. “There’s never been anyone else.”

I stared, unable to reconcile what he was saying with the man standing before me. He was hot at school, but a big, tall, muscly firefighter? He’d have girls flinging their knickers at him all the time.

“No.” I shook my head as if that would dislodge this thought. “No.”

“Yes, Millie.” The way he stared at me. I could see the mute request that I hear him out through the darkness. “Yes. I… couldn’t. Not with anyone else. No one but you.” He looked away, as if talking to the shadows was easier. “I told myself I’d find you after school. Surely your brothers would have taken a chill pill by then. I didn’t. After that, it was the gym. I had an idea of what I wanted my body to look like, and when I achieved it, I told myself I’d come for you. Then it was getting into the fire service, then after I’d finished probation. I kept moving the goalposts over and over because…”

This couldn’t be true. It couldn’t. He couldn’t have been nursing a crush all that time. My mind fought to process what he was saying, to reconcile it with what I knew of the world, but the two worldviews clashed. There was me, Millie, on the dating apps and occasionally going out with some guy I met at the pub, resigned to the fact it would never go anywhere, because it didn’t. I was ghosted, they flaked, or I was given just enough attention to keep me coming back for more, but nothing like this. Not one of those guys chose me.

Like Noah was saying he did me.

“Because I’m fucking gutless, Millie.” His eyes met mine, staring straight into my soul. “I need you to know that before you make any further decisions. I let your brothers get in the way of us and when they lost interest, I took over.” His hands went to grab at my shoulders, but they hovered there instead. “Wanting was easier than having in my mind. If you stayed up here.” He tapped his forehead. “I’d never have to answer for my mistakes.” A long sigh escaped him. “You’d never reject me.”

“Like you did me.”

I didn’t want to stir up this shit, but that was a naive wish. He was right, the past did have to die. But before it went to its grave, we’d give it a send-off, and that would determine the nature of our relationship going forward.

“Like I did that day in the hall.” He nodded slowly, as if he could see it just as clearly as I did. “I see that moment over and over in my head and it kills me every time. I was a fucking coward. I did the weak thing and backed off when I should’ve stepped up. I should’ve fought for you.”

“You should’ve.” That croaked out from the depths of my soul. “You should’ve, Noah.” I wasn’t sure if it was because I was tired, full, or just unable to hold this shit back anymore. I wanted to move past it, I really, really did. “When you turned your back on me.”

“Millie—”

“When you rejected me in front of everyone.”

“I’m sorry?—”

I shook my head sharply, feeling the tears coming, but forged on.

“You set a blueprint for my life that all other guys followed.” He stopped then, really listening. “I did date, go out and see other guys. I had relationships, hookups.” He flinched at that. “Situationships, you name it, and I’ve done it, but each time they ended the same way.” I pulled back then, unable to bear to be close to him while I said this, but his grip tightened. Instead, I was forced to stare at the dark wall of his chest, breathing in his musky, smoky scent. “They weren’t that into me. They didn’t want to take things further, didn’t see me that way.”

“Millie—”

“They didn’t choose me.”

I snapped that out, surprised at the anger, the fear, the misery in that statement. I didn’t let that shit get to me, did I? Apparently, I had.

“Then they’re fucking idiots, just like me.” His touch was much more tentative now, but he pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. “I was a fucking idiot, and I think I know why. Deep down I knew I was never good enough for you, Millie, and your brothers gave me an out. I’d never break my own heart if I didn’t even try.” He swallowed hard. “Nor yours.”

“What about now?”

It felt weird, demanding answers, but I had to. Having a child, it made everything clearer. I could let myself go on dates with dudes I wasn’t even that interested in, but my child? She or he deserved people in their life that would love them, treat them right, show them the good in the world.

Just like my parents did for me.

“What about now, Noah? No one will tell you that having a kid is easy. Co-parenting seems like a minefield and you want to add dating to the mix? That makes it harder again.” I wasn’t pulling a single punch as I hit him with point after point, daring him to pull back and walk away. “And what if I decide to date all three of you guys?” I clung to that idea, liking it a lot. It felt like I had options, something to fall back on if things went to shit. “What if I want Knox and Charlie too?”

“Then you’ll have them.” His hand shook as he stroked my face. “Anything you want, I’ll make sure you get it, because I’m done being scared. I know I have to prove myself to you. We all do. You’ve been hurt and it fucking kills me that I was the one that started all of that, but…”

He moved closer, his mouth hovering over mine, and for a moment, our breath mingled.

“One thing I’ve learned in my line of work is people fuck shit up all the time, no matter what their intention. All you can do is do better next time. I want to do better, Millie.”

There was a war inside me. One half couldn’t work out what to do if he managed that, the other terrified he’d fail before he even started, and that’s when I began to understand his point of view and even my brothers. Every time I swiped right, every time I started chatting with someone, every time I agreed to go out on a date was an act of bravery. I dared to put myself out there knowing that more times than not someone would be rejected, but I was getting so damn tired. Of trying, hoping, wanting, and failing and that had me stepping away from him.

“I don’t know if I can do this.”

My hands hung limply by my side.

“The three of us?” he asked cautiously.

“No, all of it.” I was like an egg he’d cracked, but instead of a healthy yellow yolk inside, I was greenish grey and rotten. I was oozing over everything, making a mess, but all I could do was look up into his eyes. “What if this doesn’t work out?” Why the hell hadn’t I thought this last night? Because I was too caught up in the relief of finally unburdening myself to see it. Each one of them was a risk, to me, to my child. “What if we don’t like each other?”

“That will never be an issue on my end, Millie.”

He tried to move closer, but I shied away. Part of me felt like this had come too late.

And the other half was just pissed it’d taken him this long.

Where was he? I wanted to snap. Why did it take him so long to find me? And what would’ve happened if there was no fire at The Stafford? Would I have kept skipping from one deadshit guy to the next, while he was out there pining after me?

“You shouldn’t have done this.” I shook my head definitely. “Bringing me back here, it hurts. If you’d just taken me home, I’d have dragged you inside, thrown you in my shower and scrubbed you clean before seeing if we could make the magic of Christmas happen again. It would’ve been so much easier.”

“But not better.” He didn’t let me knock his hands away this time, cradling my face with his, then gazing down at me. “You deserve the best, and this is everything I’ve got. I’ve never touched another woman and I won’t before I die. There will only ever be you for me, Millie. Accept me, reject me, whatever you decide, I’ll respect, and if I’m the father, I’ll make sure I’ll step up, but… part of being a good dad is treating the mother of your child right, and this is me starting to do that now.”

I let out a hopeless little huff of breath. My mind was racing as fast as my heart, trying to provide me with models of how it would go. His future, my future, my baby’s… My hand slid to my stomach, as if I could protect the child within from all of this. But I couldn’t. My situation was messy as fuck. I hadn’t done things the ‘right’ way, and so I was just stumbling around blindly, trying to work out what the hell to do next.

Just like Noah was.

I met his eyes then, searching his dark form for answers.

“What did you think would happen the night of the party?”

I saw him waiting out the front of the fire station in a whole other light now.

“I didn’t think anything.”

“What did you hope would happen?” I pressed.

He swallowed hard, his hands rising and falling before he spoke.

“That you’d see me. Bigger, stronger, competent, I hoped all the bullshit that draws a woman to a firefighter would have you looking my way. I intended to make sure you had a good time and then…” His hands formed fists. “Then I’d make my move. I’d tell you the truth, and if you were still standing there, I’d ask you out.”

“And then what?”

He seemed surprised by my comment, but he forged on.

“Then I’d take you on all the dates I had planned when we were kids. No, better ones. I’d show you in as many ways as I possibly could that I was the guy for you.”

“You know I’m gonna need you to still do that.”

That grin, that fucking grin, appeared in the darkness, as bright as the moon.

“Already had that planned, babe.”

Babe. The little pet name hit so differently coming from him.

“The first thing to go when a woman has a baby is the romance,” I told him. “At least, that’s what the mothers I know say. I don’t want that to happen. I deserve to be wooed.”

“You do.”

The smile faded and something far more intent rose to replace it.

“I should make you do that first. That’s the way it works, right? You fall all over yourself trying to impress me, and then I decide to sleep with you if you’re successful.”

“Looks like we did things out of order.”

His voice was low and raspy, his hands gentle as he tugged me closer. I could resist, pull back if I wanted to, but I didn’t. Nothing about us was by the book, and yet it made a strange kind of sense. That same feeling of connection I’d always felt around him snapped into place the moment our bodies touched. My mind might be madly picking apart the quandary that was us, but this? I knew then what I wanted as I reached up and tugged his head down.

Mine , I thought, weirded out by that possessive thought, but there was something to it. No other woman had touched the sensitive skin at the nape of his neck. No other woman felt the ash crusted in his hair coat her fingertips. Mine , I thought much more deliberately as I went up on tiptoes. He let me brush my lips against his, then took over, his arms locking tightly around me, holding me hard so I’d never get away as he claimed my mouth. I was forced then to surrender to the moment.

To him.

This wasn’t the next logical step, but nothing about us made sense. Without a road map to follow, we’d be forced to work it out together, and suddenly I couldn’t want anything more.

“Show me,” I whispered in his ear. “Show me how it’d be if you were mine and I was yours. Show me that and I’ll decide whether or not to give us a chance.”

“As you wish,” he said, right before he picked me up in his arms.