Chapter 37

THIRTY-SEVEN

brAXTON

M iles never returned from Aella's last night, and I didn't expect him to. Grinning into my coffee cup, I think of how keyed up he'd been when he left. Even after coming and filling my mouth, he needed more. I know he gave Aella one hell of a fucking that I wish I could've seen for myself. But we're going to have nights where we're not all together. It's how this is going to work. We're going to have boundary lines we cannot cross. Or this shit will get messy.

Today is my second appointment with the doctor Aella set me up with, and I know she'll be here. Half of me wants to get out of her what they did, but I think of the boundaries again and realize I can't ask her that.

I've tried to call her this morning to no avail. She took the day off work to be with me, so I don't think she'd miss it. But I also don't think she's ready to tell me or Miles about whatever she's going through. That's fine. There's so much going on lately that I think it just hit her.

While I'm low-key worried, I know there's a Cobra on her and that she's safe.

My nerves are shot when I meet her there because I can't wait for her any longer at the house. So when I'm in front of the good doctor, knee bouncing in anticipation of whatever he's got to tell me, I'm on the fucking edge of sanity.

"How are you today?" he asks.

"Get it over with. Tell me." It's curt, but he laughs anyhow. Likely, he's used to dealing with people with my disposition.

I did all the testing he wanted me to do, including coming here twice this week at night for him to do his invasive prodding into my psyche.

"Rip off the Band-Aid, hm?" he teases.

I nod. "If you wouldn't mind."

I mean, fuck, I've waited my entire life to know why I am how I am. Even if I thought I didn't want to know back then. I think a part of me always has wanted to know.

"My suspicion was correct. You are, in fact, autistic."

I sit back in the comfort of the blue couch in his office, staring at him as the veil of the unknown crashes down. Because now I know.

I'm autistic.

"But I'm pretty normal most of the time, so I don't understand how I could be…" I trail off, looking down at my shoes. I thought I was ready for this revelation. But I also thought she would be with me .

Not having her here is very…. well, frankly, it's dis-regulating. I feel my comfort blanket has been thrust into the washer, and I'm the child watching it spin, hoping it'll be done soon.

How could she leave me to do this on my own?

How could she abandon me?

"I think that autism is highly misunderstood, especially sometimes in mainstream media. There is no such thing as normal, Braxton. Autism isn't an illness. It's more of a social disorder. You see and process the world differently. You have a thought pattern like no one else, and you're not even the same as another autistic person. The spectrum is vast, and the things you struggle with are wholly different from others. Though, some things can be typical amongst those on the spectrum."

The spectrum.

My chest heaves as panic sets into it.

I reach across the cushion and find no comforting hand to hold.

Anger overtakes the moment's shock, and I'm thankful I can instead focus on something else. I'll focus on my rage towards Aella for leaving me to process this alone.

"And the terrible spells?" I choke out.

"More commonly known as meltdowns. They're usual when overstimulation comes into play, though you seem to have found your way to combat them. The white noise, the red lights you like so much…"

I nod as cogs seem to click into place inside me.

As the puzzle of me becomes complete.

I never knew who I was on a cellular level. I never knew why I am who I am or why certain things bother me so.

"An autistic brain differs from a neurotypical brain, but it's also beautiful. People often consider some of the most prolific thinkers and influential individuals to have been autistic. It's not a bad thing to be, Braxton. But it's a lot to process, I know. I'll help you on that journey if you allow me to."

My breathing has picked up, the buzzing lights above adding to the overwhelming heaviness in the room.

I need… I don't know what I need. But she'd know.

It was stupid of me to get so attached to someone else. But this happens: They leave, disappear from my life, and then I have to learn to cope by myself again.

"I have to go," I tell the doctor abruptly and stand to leave the room.

"Braxton, please call if you need to talk. Please do not isolate yourself. It would be best if you relearned yourself. I promise you, once you do, you're going to be the happiest you've ever been!" he shouts after me as I'm looking for escape.

"Sir, are you alright?" the front desk woman asks as I bolt past her and stab a hundred times into the elevator buttons.

Tugging my phone from my pocket, I text Miles.

As the elevator dings, I dial up Blaze and wait for him to answer as I hit the ground-level button.

"Where the fuck have you been?" he shouts as he answers.

"None of your business. "

"It is when we needed you, and your fucking phone was off!"

I'd shut it off so I wouldn't get overwhelmed during the appointment. Yeah, that went well.

"What's wrong? You have me on the phone now, and you're wasting time," I point out.

"Miles is missing, leaving you in charge, and then you were missing. Everyone is in a fucking frenzy looking for the both of you!" he rushes out, and my blood runs cold as the elevator spits me out into a packed lobby of patients waiting. The room is round, the atrium-like glass above spilling the bright sun through its panes down over us, and it feels like the sun's heat is blazing through my body as the news hits my brain.

"What do you mean he's missing?" My voice shakes, and I know it doesn't reassure Blaze, but I can't help it.

"We found his bike off Route 20, man. There's blood and one of his boots. It looks like someone ran him off the road and dragged his body into another vehicle. That's all I know. Didn't you realize he didn't come home last night?"

"No… Well, I thought he was with Aella. He was headed to check on her since she didn't return to the clubhouse. I thought they were together. I didn't expect him back last night."

I feel like a fucking idiot for not realizing it. We have a connection that I thought ran deeper than blood. How did I not feel deep in my bones that something was off?

"Get back here. We have to figure out what the hell is going on! "

"Aella," I manage.

"She's fine. Sully is on her now."

Even though I should have been furious that she was fine and didn't come to my appointment, relief washes through me.

After the day I had, I need to dig in, but I can't.

The Cobras need me.

Miles needs me.

That has to be enough to stow my bullshit for now and schedule a breakdown later. It hasn't ever worked out for me in the past, but a man can fucking hope.

The skid marks on the asphalt are hard to swallow. Rain pelts them in heavy, battering droplets, the sound of it the only thing keeping my entire nervous system from ripping itself from the inside out. Even before I got the news about Miles, I felt like clawing my skin apart to decompress. I know I need time alone to hide away from the world and everything within it.

I also know I need her.

But I need him more. He's been part of me since I can remember. There aren't many memories from before. When I was but a disappointment to the man who looked much like me.

"Who do you think did this? Jackals?" Blaze asks, crouching on the rain-soaked highway to run his hand across the marks where Miles's bike disembarked from the highway .

I clench my teeth, emotion nearly choking me to fucking death, to think about the places he could be. "I don't know."

"Well, whoever it is, they're fucking dead when we find them."

The backing up of the tow trucks sounds behind us, and Blaze and I instinctively move out of Kylo's way as he moves in to get Miles's bike off the side of the road.

Kylo hops out, his hood falling off his brown hair, rain soaking it almost instantly. "Man, it's a lot worse in person. Fuck, is that blood?" Kylo treks off the road, shaking his head as he takes in everything Blaze and I have been looking at for the last twenty minutes while we waited for him to come and pick up the wrecked bike.

"Yeah, look, man, just get it cleaned up," I order. I hate being so clipped with them, but I can't be any other way. I'm so fucking overwhelmed I can't focus on anything other than the spinning feeling inside my body.

My instincts are to storm to Aella's house and demand to know where the fuck she's been. Now that I have a reason to speak to her… I scrub my face, rain soaking my palm. I had a reason before, but I didn't take it. It's more than I wanted to give her space.

It was that I'm not used to having anyone want me back. It's going to take some getting used to. I'm used to being too much for people.

"Where are you going?" Blaze asks before I even realize that I'm moving.

"I don't fucking know. I can't just stand here and look at that." I don't turn around. I'm on my borrowed bike from the shop and skidding away before anyone can reply.

I know where I'm headed but won't barge in on her and force myself into her company. No matter how much I want to. I need to ride it out. Then, I need to focus on finding my brother. Bullshit with Aella aside.

Screaming through the rain, I throttle hard. Hard enough, I know the Devil takes a moment to look upwards from his throne to the asphalt I'm flying down.

Too bad he won't come topside. I could use his fucking help.