4. Chapter Four Abby

Chapter Four: Abby

I needed to get a fucking pregnancy test.

After we’d explained everything to Lily and made a sad attempt at dinner, we all tried to sleep…but sleep was fleeting, and I tossed and turned all night. I woke up at dawn and threw up again, and that’s when I knew I wasn’t being paranoid.

Something was wrong. Not just nerves.

And if I was pregnant…well, this would be the exact wrong time for that.

The sun was just beginning to claw its way above the San Francisco skyline, casting long shadows across the tinted windows of my former prison. My mind churned with what ifs and maybes, each possibility heavier than the last.

"Hey," I said as I walked out of the master suite, scraping my fingers through my wet hair. I’d taken a shower, if only to try to cover over the smell of vomit. "I'm gonna head out for a bit, let you guys…uh, I just need some air."

Justin and Lily were already up and sitting on the couch, Bao purring away in Justin’s lap–and based on the way they looked, I didn’t think they’d slept a wink. Derek was in the kitchen, fixing them breakfast and coffee. Lily's eyes, so much like Nathan's, searched mine with a silent question. She had spent the night in her brother’s arms, crying on and off about Evelyn.

They had asked me for more information, but I didn’t have any.

All I knew was that their mother was dead.

"Take your time, Abby," Justin replied, his voice steady despite the night's events still hanging heavy between us.

"Thanks. I just need to clear my head." I forced a smile, hoping it looked more convincing than it felt.

"Everything okay?" Lily asked.

I stared at her.

“Stupid question,” she said. “I mean, nothing is okay. Everything is terrible. Fuck. But I meant your wound.”

"Fine, really. Just might swing by the drugstore for some painkillers," I lied smoothly, each word carefully measured. "That fight at your brother's…" I trailed off, allowing the unspoken statement to linger. Because of course, it wasn’t just the fight at Justin’s place. It was Nathan’s arrest, our escape, Evelyn’s death…

We were really, truly fucked.

"Be safe, Abby," Justin said.

I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. "Back soon," I promised, turning away before they could see the fear I was fighting to keep at bay.

The sleek black car Nathan had gifted me hummed as I drove to the store, its purr a welcome distraction from the roiling thoughts in my head. I couldn’t be there and mourn with his siblings when some of this felt like it was my responsibility. If I wasn’t part of Nathan’s life, maybe everything wouldn’t be so messed up.

Of course…he’d taken me, I guessed.

We were both to blame.

The fluorescent lights of the store were a harsh welcome as I entered. They did nothing to soothe my anxiety, each step feeling heavier than the last. I kept my movements controlled, barely able to maintain the calm exterior I'd perfected over these past weeks. My fingers brushed over the items I needed, the mundane task of grocery shopping now laden with a significance I wasn't ready to face.

At the checkout, I avoided the cashier's eyes, offering a polite nod as I paid for the groceries. Beneath the loaf of bread and quart of milk lay the pregnancy tests–several, of course. And their very existence in my basket were a sign to the impossible situation I found myself in. The weight of them was oppressive, dragging me down into a reality where my IUD had betrayed me, where my carefully plotted life as an undercover FBI agent was threatening to unravel.

As if it hadn’t unraveled enough already.

I walked out of the store quickly and with my head down, the San Francisco morning air doing little to clear the fog of dread. My mind raced with implications, each more daunting than the last. A child–a symbol of life and hope under normal circumstances–now felt like an anchor, one that could drag Nathan and me under the dark waters we navigated daily.

"It’s going to be fine," I whispered to myself as I stowed the bags in the passenger seat. I needed clarity, but all I found was the specter of a future brimming with danger and uncertainty.

"Drive. Think later," I instructed myself, sliding behind the wheel. The leather seat felt cold beneath me. As I started the engine, I realized there was no running from the truth waiting to be unveiled by those small plastic tests hidden amongst my groceries. And my car…it seemed to be closing in on me.

Miraculously, San Francisco was empty. I wasn’t contending with traffic, which was strange. I maneuvered through the desolate streets, my knuckles white as I gripped the steering wheel. The silence of the city was disconcerting; it mirrored the quiet turmoil churning inside me.

Each turn brought me closer to Erika's place, my old apartment that now seemed like a relic from another life. I didn’t want to go back to 118 California yet–not when I had all these pregnancy tests in my bag. The last thing I wanted was to worry Justin, Derek, and Lily…so I went to the only other safe place I knew. Erika would talk me through it; I could trust her.

Stay safe, I typed out to Lily as soon as I parked. I might be a little longer, but stay put. All of you. Okay?

I knew full well the kind of monsters we were up against. Her response, a simple thumbs-up emoji, did little to ease the weight on my shoulders. I tossed the phone onto the passenger seat and focused on the road ahead, willing the painkillers to work faster.

I took my car out of gear, gathered the bag full of pregnancy tests, and made my way inside.

Silence greeted me as I unlocked the door to Erika's apartment with the key I’d never returned, my training allowing me to move like a shadow through the familiar space, and made my way to the bathroom. She was almost certainly still asleep–she worked late hours as a waitress–and maybe I wouldn’t run into her at all.

Yeah, maybe it was weird that I was stealth peeing in her apartment…but it wasn’t the weirdest thing I’d done in the past few months. I sat down on the toilet, read the instructions several times, and then took the first test.

And the wait… fuck .

Five minutes felt like five hours. I paced back and forth, not looking at the result until my timer went off. It was agony. Especially being here without Nathan, for something that should have been exciting.

In those five minutes, it became clear that I wanted this. Maybe it made me crazy, but I wanted a baby with Nathan. I wanted to see the smile on his face when I told him. I wanted to see what a scary-protective father he would be.

My phone went off with an alarm and I gulped, swallowing my fear. Squinting like it would make the impact less, I peered down at the test…

…and there was the result.

Pregnant.

I processed the shock, breathed through it. Or at least I thought I did–only to look at my phone and see that maybe another minute had passed, and then I spiraled all over again. My thoughts were racing…my IUD had failed? When? How was I supposed to get prenatal care when everything was this bad?

I needed Nathan. I needed my dad. I needed…

…I needed to take another test, just to be sure.

But the tests—one after another—confirmed what I already suspected. Positive. The word was a bullet, each test firing another round of shock through my system.

I left the bathroom, barely aware that I’d picked up the pregnancy tests and was carrying them into the kitchen. The sound of a door creaking open jerked me out of my head. Erika, withtousled hair and sleepy eyes, stepped into the living room, rubbing at her face as she yawned. I stood there frozen, the evidence of my turmoil scattered on the counter for her to see.

“Abby?” she asked. “What are you doing here?”

"Erika, I…" My voice trailed off as her gaze landed on the pregnancy tests. Her confusion morphed into concern in an instant, and I could feel the weight of her stare like a physical touch.

"Abby, what's going on?" Her voice was soft but laced with anxiety.

I swallowed hard, feeling the walls I had carefully built around my double life begin to crumble with each heartbeat. "I'm pregnant," I said simply, the truth heavy on my tongue.

She processed that for a few seconds, stepping closer and peering down at the tests. It was like a royal flush of bad decisions, and I blushed bright red, suddenly embarrassed. “I mean, I can see that…”

“Right. I was going to throw these away.”

"No, wait…" Erika intercepted me, her gaze softening as she took in my disheveled state. "Abby, talk to me."

Still, I reached past her and threw the tests in the kitchen’s trash can. “Well, I can talk to you without holding those. I don’t need a souvenir.”

“Sure.”

“I just…I should go.”

Erika gently grabbed my wrist, meeting my eyes. “Abby, seriously. Sit down. I’ll put on the kettle.”

***

Ten minutes later, we were both seated in her living room, steaming mugs of tea in our hands. Erika had put on some music to break up the silence, but the Top 40 wasn’t doing much to ease the tension. “So…” she started. “First off, why are you here?”

There was no way I could answer that question– well, Nathan’s house isn’t safe and also he’s in jail and maybe his dad wants to kill me so I’ve been hunkered down in the apartment where he kept me prisoner –so I shrugged. “Just needed somewhere to go.”

She bit her lip, frowning. “Did Nathan…did he hurt you?”

“No,” I shook my head, though my answer was a lie. “But someone else has been trying and this being Nathan’s baby…it makes it really complicated.”

“I feel like I’m missing something here.”

I laughed. "There's a lot you don't know about me, Erika."

"Tell me," she urged.

I took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. It was now or never. “What I’m about to say doesn’t leave this room,” I said.

“Okay,” she nodded. “My lips are sealed.”

I shifted and took a sip of tea, and the flavor reminded me of sitting in the tea room with Evelyn a lifetime ago. I wondered if I was dooming Erika to the same fate–but I needed to get this out. "I'm not just some art history grad trying to make it in the city. I'm an FBI agent, undercover. My family…we've always been in law enforcement. I've been trained to handle myself, with a gun, in a fight…"

My words tumbled out, a dam broken, as I watched her face shift from shock to something resembling awe.

"Undercover?" Erika echoed, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Since day one at the coffee shop. And Nathan…" I hesitated, the lump in my throat making it hard to continue. "He kidnapped me that night, but it's more complicated than that. I've been in love with him since the beginning. It's messed up, I know."

Tears blurred my vision, and I ducked my head in shame only to feel Erika's arms wrap around me in a comforting embrace. She’d moved over to sit next to me, listening even though I was sure I wasn’t making much sense.

"I need to get him back," I whispered against her shoulder.

"Back from where?" Her question was muffled in my hair.

"From jail. He was arrested for murdering my partner. My, uh, FBI partner. Not like a lover.”

“Oh, cool. Thanks for clarifying,” Erika said.

Once again, I laughed humorlessly. “I know that’s a lot.”

“I’m kind of just…ignoring that part about the murder,” she said. “I don’t really want to be part of that–but I’m here for the girl talk.”

She was so weird, but she’d always rolled with the punches–and in that moment, I was more grateful for that than ever. “I appreciate it.”

"So are you happy about the baby?" Erika pulled back, her eyes searching mine. "Or are you thinking about…options?"

I let out a laugh, though there was nothing funny about it—a reflex to the absurdity I was wading through. "Ecstatic," I confessed. "Under different circumstances. But now? It's a lot to process."

I could see the gears turning in Erika's head as the weight of my situation settled between us. A single tear escaped, trailing down my cheek. The life growing inside me was part of Nathan—a constant reminder of the love and chaos he'd brought into my life.

"Abby," she said softly, "this is huge. All of this—the FBI, the Triad, the risks…Nathan. And now a baby?"

"Yeah." I wiped at my cheek. "It's like walking a tightrope without a safety net."

"God, Abby." She hugged me again, tighter this time. "You're living a double life nobody even knows about. The danger you're in every day…"

"Comes with the territory," I said, trying to sound braver than I felt. "But you're right. If word gets out about the pregnancy, or if my cover's blown…"

"Let's not go there right now," Erika cut in. "Right now, you have me. And I’m glad you told me. Does anyone else know?”

“Only me. And now you.”

“Well, there you go. We got this.”

"Thanks, Erika. That means more than you know."

"Anytime, Abby. Anytime."

Fuck, I was so glad I had her. I was so glad I’d told her. She might not get all of this…but at least I could actually talk to her without any of the baggage that came with talking to a Zhou, no matter how much I loved them.

"Okay," she breathed, her brow furrowed in concentration. "You're saying that Nathan is…what, exactly? Some kind of mob boss?"

"Underboss," I corrected her, my voice low. It was dangerous even to whisper these truths, but Erika deserved to know why my world was on the brink of shattering. "And he's been arrested, which means there's going to be a power struggle within the organization. It's not just me at risk now—it's this baby too. And Nathan’s father…look, I can’t say much about this. Just know that he’s a fucked up person and he absolutely can’t know."

Erika leaned back, absorbing the gravity of my words. Her fingers tapped a staccato rhythm on the table.

"Jesus, Abby." Erika let out a sigh. "I can't even imagine what you're going through. But you've always been strong. I mean…”

“Yeah, well, Dad didn't raise a victim. He raised a fighter."

"And that's why…" Erika paused, her gaze locking onto mine with an intensity that was pure Erika—fierce loyalty mixed with unshakeable belief. "Well, it sounds like if anyone can get him out, it’s you."

Maybe she was right. Maybe I was the one who could navigate this labyrinth of loyalty and betrayal. After all, I had been doing it for months, living a double life that was now woven into my very being.

"Thanks," I said, reaching across the table to squeeze her hand. "But if I'm going to pull this off, I need to be smarter and tougher than ever before."

“Then you’ll do it,” she said simply. “You’re the most badass fucking human I know. Breaking your baby daddy out of jail? Please. You can do that in your sleep.”

Her belief in me made me smile. She was wrong, of course. But she was right about one thing: I needed to get Nathan out, before anything else happened to him.